


Weathering a Counterfeit Alliance

by myobsessionisshowing



Series: Counterfeit Alliance 'Verse [2]
Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Academy Era, Angst, Anxiety, Best Friends, Destruction of Vulcan, Enterprise crew getting to know each other, Friends to Lovers, Friendship, Lack of Communication, Lovers to Friends, M/M, Marriage of Convenience, Secret Marriage, Slow Build, Smoldering Burn, Starfleet Academy, Trust Issues, mentions of Tarsus IV, mentions of past non-con, narada - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-10-09
Updated: 2019-06-05
Packaged: 2019-07-28 17:17:46
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 104,694
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16246238
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/myobsessionisshowing/pseuds/myobsessionisshowing
Summary: Jim and Bones got married for legal reasons, but they found themselves having to confront the emotions underlying their decision.  They're forced to keep the marriage a secret from Starfleet, and once they return to the Academy, secrecy and duty threaten to destroy the fragile union and their friendship.This story will cover the third year at Starfleet Academy and the events of the first Star Trek (2009) movie.





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> You will want to read Trading on a Counterfeit Alliance first. This is a continuation of that story. 
> 
> I have added Stardates to help keep track of the passing of time and the flashbacks. See the end notes for pertinent dates from the first story.

 

**Stardate 2258.21 (Thursday, January 21, 2258)**

 

Len smiled and kissed the top of the blonde head resting against his chest.  He moved slowly, sliding out of the bed and leaving the occupant sleeping. 

 

Len ran one hand over the foggy mirror, clearing a spot so that he could see to shave.  He ran the sonic razor over his chin as he mentally organized his surgical notes for the day.  He started slightly when he felt hands sliding across his chest, he gave a low warning growl, but reveled in the feel of the warm breasts pressed to his back as he finished his shave. 

He set the razor down and turned to gather the woman into his arms.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you.  He bent down and gave her a kiss.”

“I know how you can make it up to me.”

She smiled and ran one finger down the center of his chest and followed the trail of hair to the towel loosely fastened at his waist.  He caught her hand before she reached her target.

“Ah, ah, ah.  I have an early class, then I have to be at the hospital.”

“Just my luck.  You never want to play doctor with me.”

“I’ll see you in surgery, Nurse, and we’ll play doctor to your heart’s content.”

He appreciated the view as she walked away.  “You better put somethin’ on, you’ll catch a chill.”

“Oh, now you want to play doctor.” 

 

Len was just about to pull his black t-shirt over his head, when there was a knock at the door.  He stalked shirtless into the living area and palmed the control panel.  The door slid open as he greeted the visitor in his usual gruff tone, “Yeah?”  He was momentarily taken aback.  “Uh, Captain Pike, Sir.  Sorry.” He quickly started to pull the shirt over his head. 

“Is that the way you usually answer the door, Cadet?”

“I haven’t had any complaints yet.  Sir.”  He added belatedly.  One of these days his smart mouth was going to get him into serious trouble, but today Pike seemed willing to ignore the insolence in his tone.

“I’m here to see Cadet Kirk.” 

Pike inclined his head towards the bedroom where he could hear the sound of the shower shutting off and the bathroom door opening, but pulled up short when a woman’s voice called from the bedroom, “Len, do you know where my sweater is?”

Len moved to the bedroom door and spoke quietly before closing it.

He turned back to Pike, ignoring his questioning look.  “He’s not in at the moment.”

Len pulled on the jacket to his reds, grabbed his bag and ushered Pike ahead of him into the hallway as the door slid closed behind them.

Pike looked at him like he was trying to puzzle something out and Len refused to offer any further information.   He looked like he was doing a fine job jumping to his own conclusions.

“Thank you kindly for droppin’ by Captain.  I’ll be sure to tell Jim you called.”

“No, I think I’d rather tell him in person.”  He tilted his head towards the closed door, “Does Kirk still live here?”

“Technically,” Len kept his expression blank.

Pike was getting frustrated.  “Well, do you know where I can find him?”

“Seddins Hall.  Room 437.”

“Seddins Hall.”

Len shrugged.  “Last I knew.  Jim Kirk doesn’t see fit to keep me informed of his comings and goings.”

“Since when?”

“With all due respect, Captain, you’re goin' to have to ask him that.”

Pike didn’t think he was imagining the hard look in McCoy’s eye.   The man was angry.  Not at Kirk, at him.  Was this somehow his fault?  This duty assignment fiasco was getting out of hand.  If his prize cadet flamed out because of it, it _would_ be his fault.

“Thank you.  Good day, Cadet.” 

“You too, Sir.”  Len waited until the lift doors closed behind Pike then headed in the opposite direction.

 

The pounding continued unabated.

“Yeah, yeah, yeah, I’m coming!” 

The door slid open as Jim ran one hand through his hair while zipping his jeans, “You better have a damn good reason for waking me up!  Oh, Captain Pike.  Sorry, Sir.”

“I’m sure you are…,” he leaned back and looked at the name plate beside the door, “Cadet Marlena Moreau.”

Jim winced as Pike moved around him and into the small room, taking it all in slowly.

“There a reason you’ve basically moved out of a graduate apartment and back into the plebe dorms?”  He delicately picked up a skimpy thong from the corner of the dresser, dangling it on one finger. 

“Self-explanatory, Sir,” Jim said as he grabbed the article of clothing and tossed it behind the couch.

“Indeed.”

“Is there a problem, Sir?” Jim was wondering why Pike was here.

“No. I'm just surprised, I guess.  I stopped by your room,” he walked around the room looking at photos and knick knacks and continued absently as he examined a stack of textbook PADDs, “McCoy gave me your new address.”  Then he turned to meet Jim’s gaze, “Seems he had a guest as well.”

Jim shifted uncomfortably, “Yeah, well.  Life goes on, huh?”

Why was Kirk living with a second year astrophysics student?  What the hell had happened in the time he had been gone to drive a wedge between these two cadets?   Because clearly something had driven a wedge between Kirk and McCoy, they had been damn near inseparable for the better part of three years and now they were barely speaking.  What had he missed while he had been distracted overseeing the outfitting of his new ship? 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have added Stardates to help with flashbacks. The major events in Trading on a Counterfeit Alliance fall on the following dates:
> 
> 2257.156 (Friday, June 5, 2257) - Len resigns  
> 2257.159 (Monday, June 8, 2257) - Len and Jim get married  
> 2257.243 (Monday, August 31, 2257) - First day of Fall Semester, Third year  
> 2257.268 (Friday, September 25, 2257) - Len takes Jim to the cabin


	2. Chapter One

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The section in italics at the beginning is an excerpt from Chapter Nine of Trading on a Counterfeit Alliance.
> 
> Warning - there are mentions of past non-con.

**Stardate 2257.268 (Friday, September 25, 2257) – Cabin**

_Bones ran that long fingered hand through his hair, “I just, don’t know how to answer your questions.  I want this, I really do, but I gotta be honest.  I’m not sure what it’s gonna mean tomorrow, next week, next month.”  He looked at Jim and shrugged, “I think maybe we should just take it one day at a time.  We don’t need to make any of this public, maybe we keep it between ourselves so there’s no outside pressure from anyone else.  We see how we feel, see if it works or not.  I don’t know.”  He huffed a small laugh, “Everything with us always seems twice as complicated and ass-backwards.”_

_“It’s just fucking ironic that the rule against married spouses with children serving together was instituted after the Kelvin.  It’s like it’s my fault.”_

_Len knew that Jim was referring the fact that Starfleet didn’t want married spouses with children serving together, because if something happened the children would be orphaned._

_“With Jo in the picture, they would force us to take different assignments.  If you do plan on requesting Enterprise, then we have to keep our marriage a secret anyway….”_

_When Len woke late in the night, he was surprised to find Jim gone.  He rubbed at his eyes before he noticed Jim standing at the window staring up at the clear, starry sky._

_“Come back to bed, Jim.”_

_When he did, Len wrapped him in his arms and held him close.  “Don’t worry, Jim.  Whatever happens out there, we’ll handle it.  Together.”_

 

oOo

**Stardate 2257.270 (Sunday, September 27, 2257)**

Jim tossed his bag on his bunk.

“Guess we can push the beds back together now.  I’ve missed the larger bed,” Len commented.

Jim stood looking at the two narrow bunks on opposite walls. 

Reluctantly he answered, “I don’t know if that would be a good idea.  What if someone drops in and sees them pushed together?”

Len considered this and had to grudgingly admit that it was a possibility, plenty of people visited their room.   That’s what he got for rooming with a social butterfly like Jim.  He sighed.  It was a damn shame.  Together they would be a hell of a lot more comfortable than two grown men sharing a twin.  “Maybe we could keep the bedroom door closed, and locked?”

“Yeah, that wouldn’t look suspicious at all.  What if someone wanted to use the bathroom?”  It was only accessible through the bedroom.

Len frowned, “So, let me get this straight, we’re sharing a twin.”

“I don’t mind.”

“Course you don’t, you’re an octopus that sleeps on top of me anyway.”

“You just make a good pillow, and your argument is invalid.  We don’t need the extra space if I’m already sleeping on top of you.  Are you complaining?”

“Yes.  No.  It would just be a hell of a lot more comfortable if we could spread out a little.”

Jim looked like he was dreading the response before he stated, “We could sleep in our own bunks, I suppose.”

Bones relented, “Yeah, well, maybe sometimes.  I guess I can get used to you clingin’ to me like a barnacle.”  He moved around the room putting his things away.  “Remind me again why I asked you to move in here?”

“Because we’re married?”

“That’s just a technicality.”

“Oh, and now you get the added side benefit of sex.”

“Yeah, well we’re gonna have to be creative with so little space.”

“Wow, you’re grumpy tonight.”

“What do you expect at this time of night and me without a drink in my hand?”

“I can fix that.”

“I sure as hell hope so.  Gotta be some reason I keep you around,” he grumbled.

Bones settled in front of the holovid center while Jim moved to the kitchenette to fetch the bottle of bourbon Bones kept stashed under the sink.  He poured two fingers into a clean glass (that took some digging to find) and returned to the living area.  He handed the glass to Bones, “Please refer again to the aforementioned sex, Bones.”

“Yeah, well that’s a real new addition to the myriad benefits of having Jim Kirk as my best friend.  God help me, I just hope it’s worth all the damn trouble that’s sure to come with it.”

“Oh, believe me, I will make it worth your while.”

“Will you now?  What exactly did you have in mind, Cadet?”  Bones was spread out in the armchair.  His legs wide and inviting.

A shiver worked its way up Jim’s spine at the note of command in Bones’ voice. 

When they fucked, it was hot, hard and fast, just the way Jim liked it, and Bones turned out to be one creative son-of-a-bitch.  By unspoken mutual agreement neither man strayed from the safe territory of fucking into the soft intimate lovemaking they had indulged in in the secluded privacy of the cabin.

Never the less, Jim was having trouble separating the two in his mind.  Sex with Bones was different than anything he had experienced before and he was confused.  Were they boyfriends?  Friends with benefits?  Or just plain married?  There were differences between the three.   It felt like friends with benefits and that was where Jim was most comfortable, but he was worried what Bones thought this was.  He knew neither of them believed they were “married”, but maybe Bones thought they were boyfriends?

 

oOo

**Stardate 2257.274 (October 1, 2257)**

A few nights later, Jim made dinner.  He was a self-taught cook and he was pretty good.  He placed Len’s plate of chicken fried steak, a southern staple Jim had learned just for him, in front of Len while he sat staring at the wrapped package beside it.

Len gave the box an experimental poke.  He looked up at Jim who looked a little shy and embarrassed.

“What’s this?”

“It’s a gift.”

“Why?”  Len looked puzzled.

“Why not?”  Len sat staring the package down like it had personally slighted him.  “Why don’t you open it _before_ you start bitching?”

Len removed the ribbon and opened the box.  He moved the tissue paper (Where the hell had the kid found real tissue paper?) aside and frowned at the bottle of, what?  Cologne?  It sure as hell wasn’t a tiny bottle of liquor.

“What?  You don’t like it?” 

Len shoved Joce out of his mind and focused on Jim, aware of the minefield lying between them.  He wrestled a smile onto his face, “No, I do.  I haven’t splurged on cologne in a long time.  Thank you.”

Jim looked mollified, but despite the flashing red alert in his brain, Len couldn’t stop himself from continuing, “I’m just wondering why.  I’m not a girl, Jim.  You don’t need to buy me perfume.”

“It’s not-,” Jim’s face flamed red, “Look, never mind.  I just thought…”

Maybe Jim thought it was expected?  Len remembered bringing Jocelyn little trinkets and romantic gifts.  Ah, hell.  He needed to nip this in the bud right now.  “Jim, you don’t have to bring me romantic gifts.”

“What?!  No.  I know that.  I just…,” Jim stumbled to a stop at a loss for words.

Len knew he had to tread carefully here, if he teased he could do more damage than good.  “Don’t get me wrong, it’s a nice thought.  I appreciate it.  And I _do_ like this cologne, but I don’t want you thinkin’ you gotta buy me gifts,” he hesitated, “like a boyfriend.”

“If you’re not my boyfriend, then what the hell are we doing here?  ‘Cause I don’t know what you want.”  Jim pushed away from the table, his frustration bordering on anger.

“Whoa.  Hold on,” Len caught his arm and pulled him back to his seat.  “That’s a very valid question.  Maybe we should …” he almost said ‘set some ground rules’, but he was aware that that sounded too much like what they’d done when they’d become roommates, so he changed tack, “... lay out our expectations, so we know what’s expected.”

He knew Jim worked better with boundaries, or guidelines, within which to work.  Didn’t mean he’d honor them, but at least he’d know when he was making a conscious decision to break them rather than wandering into doing something he didn’t know was wrong.  Jim had told him how Frank had enjoyed catching him up, always making up the rules after he violated them without knowing just to find reasons to punish him.  He didn’t want Jim always wondering if he was doing something wrong.  Jim nodded, looking a little relieved.  But Len was still curious.

“First though, why the gift?”

“I don’t know, I just thought I should.”

Len tried to look at this from Jim’s point of view.  Lately, he’d been acting like a teenager with his first crush, which was ridiculous, right?  Only was it?  Had Jim ever had a steady girlfriend or boyfriend before?  Len couldn’t remember him ever mentioning one.  Maybe that was just another one of the quintessential experiences of youth that he had missed out on.  He had a feeling Jim was trying to act the way he thought Len expected.

“You courtin’ me, Jim?  ‘Cause you know, you don’t need to.  What happened at the cabin?  That wasn’t about cornerin’ you into a relationship.”

 

The conversation continued after dinner.

“Ok, so what now?”

“Now we just take things slow, see where this goes.”

“I know where I want this to go,” Jim's hand snaked into Bones’ lap.

“You’re such a romantic, Jim.”

“I thought you didn’t want all that romantic crap.”

“I may not be a woman, but don’t think you’re just gonna fuck an’ run.  You make damn sure it’s me you want to be with tonight.  If not, fine, go, but if you’re stayin’, you’re stayin’.” 

“What?  You think I’m going to have my evil way with you then jump up and go home?  I’m already home.” 

“Damn right you are, and don’t you forget it.”

A warm feeling suffused Jim’s chest and it had nothing to do with the hand slowly working its way into his pants. 

“So, what’s it gonna be, Jim?”

“I’m staying,” he managed to choke out.

“Good boy.”  And Bones rewarded him by sucking his brains out through his dick.

 

But over breakfast the next morning Jim was back to questioning.

“Seriously, Bones.  What now?”

“I don’t have the answers for you Jim.  You have to decide what you want first.”

“What do you want, Bones?”

“I want you to leave me the fuck alone until I’ve had my coffee.”

Jim smiled, but let Bones eat his meal in peace while he tried to figure out what he wanted out of this new dynamic in their relationship.  The answer right now was easy because everything was new and the sex was incredible, but he was pretty sure that when Bones had said he didn’t know where this was going, he was talking about something more than just sex.  He was talking more long term.  And that was a scary thought.

oOo

Jim had never been in a real, let alone serious, relationship and it didn’t take long for him to feel trapped.  When he thought about the things they had done, the things they had shared, he started to panic.

Bones was his best friend and Jim couldn’t deny the physical attraction he felt for him.  Jim hadn’t really allowed himself to consider being attracted to men because of his past.  Then he’d met Bones and having a friend was such a new experience that he’d tried for a long time to pretend what he felt for him was platonic.

This new dimension in his relationship with Bones was confusing.  Jim had had a lot of sex, but it had always been strictly recreational.  There were no deep feelings involved and he usually didn’t see the person again.  It was almost exclusively heterosexual and the few times he had strayed into homosexual liaisons, be it a hand job or quick blow job (Jim knew his way around a cock), it had never included penetration.  That was where he had drawn the line.  He hadn’t done that since Tarsus. 

It was easier to just say no.  No muss, no fuss.  Well, ok, let’s be honest, lots of muss, Jim was an enthusiastic lover.  But there was no fuss, no one misunderstood that Jim meant anything more than a backroom blow or one night stand.  And that was the way he liked it.  If no one had any expectations, he couldn’t let them down.   And they couldn’t let him down.

Bones had expectations.   And there were new variables he didn’t know how to account for with Bones, like tenderness and emotion and he didn’t know what to do with that, especially now that they were back in the bright, cold halls of the academy, not the privacy of the secluded cabin.

Jim had had his love rejected too many times by people who were supposed to love him unconditionally.  Things like that affected a kid and he’d learned early that it was better to not rely on anyone but himself, because others just let you down.  They leave.  And now, here he was becoming dependent on someone else who was probably going to leave.  Would leave. 

What the fuck was he thinking?  He fucking _knew_ better!

In short, Jim was finding it all very overwhelming.  He wasn’t used to having someone so embedded in his life.  He was having a hard time handling the feelings of vulnerability and dependence that enveloped him when he was with Bones.  The first time in the cabin had scared the shit out of him.  So, Jim found himself holding something back. 

Somehow Bones had wormed his way right into the center of Jim’s insecurity and vulnerability.  It was only a matter of time before everything he was unraveled before this man and his secrets were exposed.  And _that_ scared him shitless.  There were things in his past he didn’t expect anyone would ever understand, or excuse. 

He knew he wouldn’t be able to handle being rejected by Bones.  

So, it was so much easier to force Bones to push him away now on his own terms. 

 

oOo

**Stardate 2257.301 (Wednesday, October 28, 2257)**

It was all brought to a head one day after a long study session which inevitably turned into sex.  Without the gravity or symbolism of the first time they had made love, their subsequent encounters had taken on either a more playful tone or, more often, a darker, more deliberate kind of intensity.  And it had all been in fun.  Until today.

What was different this time?  This was the first time Jim couldn’t see Bones’ face.  Jim needed to see Bones’ face, because if he felt the panic starting to take root all he had to do was open his eyes and look into the face and eyes of the man he trusted implicitly.  That usually allowed him to get his head back in the game.

But tonight Bones had other plans and Jim had been helpless to resist and that was bringing back the memories.  And the panic.

 

Bones was pressed to Jim’s back.  He could feel the heat and weight of him pressing him into the mattress with each slow thrust.

Bones ran his fingers down his side and over the scar that snaked along his ribs and Jim couldn’t help the ingrained response to guard that area.   A phantom pain flashed along his nerve endings.  He could feel it, the way he could every single time Bones insisted on going there.  He had learned to breathe through the discomfort, but tonight, with the hand on the back of his neck keeping him pinned, face down, he couldn’t fight it. 

Suddenly he was back there.  The dorm room fell away and Jim was pressed to the cold concrete floor.   He went slack and silent, refusing to give him the responses he wanted.

+

Len was used to Jim’s instinct to tense up when he touched the scar, but this was something different.  He had tensed up and tamped down on his physical and verbal responses.  Len didn’t understand the sudden silence, but he knew something was wrong.

“Everything ok, Jim?”  Len paused then moved into Jim’s line of sight.  Jim’s eyes were unfocused and empty.  He completely disengaged himself from Jim, breaking all contact. “Jim?”  He pressed his fingers to the wrist of the hand that was twisted in a white-knuckled grip in the sheets   His heart was racing.  “Jim.”  It seemed to take him a long moment to respond and when he did he sounded distant.

“Yeah, fine.”  Jim turned his face into the pillow and away from Len.

Jim was no longer aroused and that cooled Len’s libido as well. 

“You want somethin’ else?”  

Jim seemed to give this some real consideration, but seemed reluctant to speak.  

Len flopped down on his back and stared at the ceiling for several minutes before he turned onto his side to face Jim.  “You know you can talk to me.”

He tentatively reached out one hand and ran his fingers reassuringly up and down Jim’s arm.

+

No, he really couldn’t.  He couldn’t talk to anyone, except maybe Gaila.  She was the only one who understood the extents to which someone could be pushed to survive.  She never judged him.

“You need to relax, Jim.  Please, just let me take care of you.” 

God, he wanted that, but he couldn’t let his guard down.  He pushed Bones away. 

“I can’t, I gotta go.” He knew from experience that the only way to erase _this_ memory was with alcohol.  Lots of it.  Or maybe sex, with a woman, not Bones.  Definitely not Bones.

 

Len watched baffled as Jim quickly dressed, made some distracted apology and left.

What the fuck? 

He toyed with the idea of going after him, but decided he probably just needed some time alone.

Len got up and pulled his sweats pants on.  He got himself a drink and settled onto the sofa to wait.  While he waited he sorted through his recollections of the times he and Jim had been intimate.  The way he’d acted tonight, if Len looked at it from a clinical perspective, was typical of someone who had been sexually assaulted.   That possibility made him a little nauseous as he thought about their recent interactions.

It hadn’t escaped his notice that Jim liked it when Len used a heavy hand.  He seemed to like having his control taken away and Len was more than happy to oblige.  He’d seen the intensity of Jim’s responses when they’d flirted with D/s, and he had taken advantage of that.  But this was something different.  Somehow he had overstepped some unknown boundary and he was left wondering, not for the first time, about Jim’s past experiences. 

He was clearly too close to this situation, but what kind of doctor was he that he hadn’t seen what was happening right in front of his own eyes? 

That brought back extremely uncomfortable memories of the disintegration of his marriage.  But that had been different, hadn’t it?  Jocelyn had been keeping secrets. 

Well, hell.  

Jim was one big fucking secret. 

They had been friends for years, but there were still great chunks of Jim’s history that Len just didn’t know.  Jim rarely talked about his past and Len had respected that, hadn’t asked questions.  He’d always figured that if Jim wanted to talk about it he would. 

Len was frustrated.  Sometimes he felt like there were multiple layers to Jim’s dysfunction and he’d only scratched the surface. 

 

Jim walked and tried to outpace his racing thoughts.

It scared him how submissive he wanted to be to Bones.  After the few times he had allowed himself to indulge that fantasy, when his head had cleared and the body fluids had cooled, he had fought an overwhelming wave of fear and shame. 

He’d spent his entire life trying to take control of situations where he’d had none, where he’d been forced to do things against his will.  And now he wanted Bones to take away his control, to bend him to his will. 

What the fuck? 

That might be the biggest problem he had accepting this new dynamic in their relationship.  As friends they were equals.  In a sexual relationship, Jim felt subordinate.  After what he had experienced in his past, Jim thought there had to be something wrong with him for wanting this.  He was definitely fucked up. 

How could this be what he liked?  What he wanted? 

He’d been abused as a child.  On Tarsus, he’d allowed himself to be used to survive and he hated himself for that.  He had done what he’d needed to do to survive, but he had always felt he shared the blame because he’d used sex as a bargaining tool to get what he wanted.  The ‘fleet appointed therapist had told him it wasn’t his fault.  The first time, maybe, but what about all of the times after that?  All the times he traded his body for food, or clothes, or medical supplies?  He could have survived without the supplies, but he was responsible for so many others.  Surely that was his fault. 

No amount of counseling had ever been able to shake his sense of self-hatred.  It went to the heart of why he never felt he was good enough, for Starfleet, for Bones, for anything. 

And, until now, Jim had managed to keep a tight lid on desires he associated with Tarsus.  He’d learned to stuff them down deep, but just being with Bones brought it all too close to the surface again.  Jim couldn’t help the flashbacks and memories that seemed to be triggered by acts he hadn’t participated in since he was an adolescent. 

He’d fought hard to keep thoughts of Bones from getting mixed up with memories of his past.   When they intruded it affected his mood.  He didn’t know if he would ever get to the point where this wouldn’t be a recurring issue.  He thought he’d been doing well.  At first sex with Bones had been so different, so gentle that it hadn’t triggered the flashbacks.  But as they got to know each other better the sex had gotten rougher.  This time, when he couldn’t see Bones, it brought it all rushing back.

 

Jim continued walking lost in thought and without a destination.  He just knew he needed something he wouldn’t find at home.  He eventually found a small bar a couple of miles from the campus where the faces were unfamiliar, tonight he didn’t want anyone to know his name.  Jim drank until the memories, his surroundings and his ethics blurred.  It was then only a matter of a seductive smile and a few well-placed compliments and he found himself buried in a soft welcoming red head.  

 

Jim was too far gone to miss the rasp of stubble against his bare skin.  He was too lost in soft curves and warm wet heat to notice until later, breasts pillowing his head as he caught his breath.  His inability to breathe only partly caused by their vigorous activity and partly by the memory of the trusting man waiting for him at home.  He had succeeded in banishing his memories of the past, but he had also forgotten his present.

That thought set him on another downward spiral which ended in him driving his fist into the nearest wall.  The alcohol in his system deadened the pain, for now.  He looked down in self-satisfaction at the damage he had inflicted and felt it was nothing less than he deserved.

What he hadn’t been thinking clearly about was how he was going to hide this from Bones.  But part of him just said, “Fuck it.”  Bones might as well start dealing with the fact that Jim was a royal fuck up and nothing he could do could change that.

Jim headed home. 

 

He walked through the door and ignored Bones who was sitting on the sofa, just walked by and closed himself in the bathroom.  It wasn’t the first time he had had cause to curse the fact that none of the bathroom doors in the dorms had locks on them.  Fucking Academy.  Afraid some depressed cadet might lock themselves in and do something stupid.  Yeah.  Well, ok.  Maybe they had a point, but it was sure as fuck inconvenient when Bones followed him in. 

Jim continued undressing and stepped into the shower, ignoring the man behind him.

+

Len braced himself on the counter’s edge and schooled his expression before he turned to face Jim as he came out of the stall.

Jim just moved past him and started to towel off.

Were they both really going to pretend nothing had happened?  It looked like it. 

He could do this.  He could stand here and examine Jim and pretend nothing had happened, like he hadn’t spent the last four hours sitting on the couch staring at the door waiting for him to return and coming to unsettling conclusions.  He could manage to keep it together until he was alone.

There were scratch marks on Jim’s back.  Two hands, drawn down his back, long nails dug in.  He had smelled her on him before he got into the shower stall.  Jim wouldn’t let him touch his back so he turned his attention to his right hand instead.  Jim’s knuckles had been broken on something much less yielding than human flesh. 

+

Bones gently cleaned and debrided the lacerations while Jim sat stone-faced and still.  He didn’t deserve Bones’ care.  When Bones pulled out the dermal regenerator he pulled his hand away and finally spoke up, “Don’t.” 

“I have to fix it.”

“You can’t fix everything.”  Those words were layered with meaning.

“I can fix this.”

“You really can’t.” 

“Just let me regen the fractures, that’s all.”

Jim reluctantly let Bones run the regen over the breaks, but only for the minimum amount of time before he stood and just walked away leaving Len standing in the small bathroom alone.

The fractures were sealed, they would still take time to heal properly, but there was no way he was going to get Jim to cooperate for any longer.  Not in the mood he was in.  He had self-inflicted injuries, and for once Bones kept his opinions to himself.

Jim did allow Bones to give him something to help him sleep.   He knew from past experience that sleep would be hard to find naturally.  He savored the pain as he flexed his hand and dressed, then climbed into his bed, turned his face to the wall and slept like the dead.

 

Len wouldn’t be able to sleep tonight so he gathered his PADD and moved back to the sofa.  He fiddled absently with the PADD, his eyes traveling over Jim’s sleeping form every few minutes as he scrolled through Jim’s patient files looking for answers.  For anything he might have missed that would explain Jim’s behavior and give Len a way to help him.

 

As he read through his notes in Jim’s file, he thought back to the first time Jim had come into medical.

 

**2255.242 (August 30, 2255)**

**Induction Physical and Inoculations**

 

“Look, I don’t want the damn shots.”

McCoy stepped out of the examination room while the engineering cadet dressed.  He was headed towards the nurse’s station to enter his notes in the cadet’s file when his attention was drawn to the commotion occurring in a room further down the hall.  He approached the room curious about the ongoing crisis and wondering if he could lend a hand.   The other doctor on clinic duty this morning was a first-year intern who had been assigned routine physicals to oversee.  McCoy, as the senior doctor on shift, hadn’t been notified of any emergency cases, but the shouting indicated otherwise.  He had just turned in that direction when Nurse Anderson came flying out of the door, her searching gaze landing on McCoy with a look of relief, “Doctor!”  But McCoy was already running in her direction.

He quickly took in the scene before him, assessing the situation as he ran, his eyes riveted on the cadet on the bed.  What he noticed first were the hands clutched around his throat, second were the harsh straining gasps as he tried unsuccessfully to fill his lungs, the cords in his neck standing out in stark relief, his lips already suffused with a distinct bluish cast.  McCoy’s eyes darted from those familiar lips to the brilliant blue eyes that were pleading with him for help. 

 _Damn._  

The kid from the shuttle again, Jim Kirk.  _This kid must have the world’s worst luck,_ he thought absently as he pushed his way to the biobed, shouting, “Get me 10mg Theophylline” 

He could see Jim trying to reach for him, his hand only managing a weak glancing grab at his sleeve and understood immediately, “Belay that order!” 

McCoy didn’t miss the look of panic in the cadet’s eyes.  “Get me this cadet’s file, stat!” 

He had a sneaking suspicion which was soon confirmed as he quickly flipped thorough Kirk’s allergy list, he was allergic to that medication as well.  It only took him a moment to find a counteractive medication that Kirk wasn’t allergic to, but Kirk had already succumbed to unconsciousness, no longer breathing, the biobed alarms blaring.  McCoy remained calm, “Get me 10mg of Promethezine and get set up for a tracheostomy, just in case.”

McCoy accepted the hypospray from the nurse and injected it into the dense muscle of Kirk’s thigh, then waited, the time ticking by too slowly for his liking on the biobed monitors.  He was starting to worry that the drug was going to be ineffective when sixty seconds had ticked agonizingly by, so McCoy started prepping for the tracheostomy.  There wasn’t any more time to waste, if he didn’t get oxygen to Kirk’s brain within three minutes there could be lasting brain damage.  The nurse at his side had cut away Kirk’s jacket and shirt and was swabbing the superasternal notch where the trach tube would need to be inserted.  McCoy gloved up, grabbed the laser scalpel from the tray and ran his fingers across Kirk’s throat planning his incision.  He paused with the scalpel lightly pressed to the skin at Kirk’s throat to scan the monitors one last time when the biosensors indicated a slight rise in respiration. 

“Come on, come on, Jim.  You can do it, dammit,” he muttered under his breath.  He held his fingers at Kirk’s throat, the scalpel at the ready as he felt Kirk draw a shallow shaky breath and he watched the oxygen saturation numbers begin to climb slowly, but steadily. 

McCoy threw the scalpel back onto the tray and grabbed an oxygen mask instead, quickly spun the valve to full open and placed it over Kirk’s nose and mouth.  He continued watching the numbers climb until they reached the low end of an acceptable range which meant his patient was out of danger for the moment before he yanked his gloves off and turned on the intern who had been hovering at his elbow the entire time. 

“What the hell happened here, Davidson?  Did you even bother to review his allergy list before administering any drugs?”

The intern was immediately on the defensive.  “This was just a basic inoculation.  I’ve done dozens of them with no problems.  He was being difficult and I…”

“You were tired of doing boring physicals and you were in a hurry to get to lunch.  You were too wrapped up in your own goddamn power trip to listen to the patient.  Maybe this cadet was being difficult because he was tryin’ to tell you not to kill him, but you weren’t listenin’.”

After Len was finished dressing down the negligent intern he settled into the chair beside Kirk’s bed to start on the endless amount of paperwork reporting this incident was going to require.  No one ever told him in med school that the majority of his job was going to be paperwork.  Maybe if they had, he would have chosen a different profession.  He looked up from the PADD to see Kirk’s eyes blink open.  Nah, he was right where he needed to be.

 

The next time he saw Jim he was in Emergency.

**2255.254 (September 11, 2255)**

**Anterior Luxation, Right Shoulder**

 

McCoy was reviewing his surgery schedule and making notes as he walked through the hospital headed for the elevator, grumbling over his tight schedule when one of the nurses from intake stopped him.

“Doctor McCoy, I’m glad to see you.  There’s a cadet in Room 4 who refuses to see anyone but you.”

“What’s he in for?”

“Dislocated shoulder.”

“Can’t Bradley take him?  I’m kinda busy at the moment.  I’ve got a surgical shift -”

“I tried sir.  He absolutely refuses and says he’ll wait however long it takes to see you.”

Len frowned.  A dislocated shoulder meant that cadet must be in a considerable amount of pain.  Would be until it was reduced.  “What is this cadet’s name?”

“Kirk, sir.  Jim Kirk.”

Len gave a resigned sighed and took the chart from the nurse’s hands.  “Well that explains it.  Yeah, I guess he’s mine.”  The kid had attached himself to Len after he had dragged him to the clinic their first day on campus and regenerated the lacerations on his face and hands.

“Kirk, we have to stop meeting like this.”

“It seems to be the only way I can get your attention.”  He laughed a little self-consciously, perhaps revealing just a little too much truth.

“So, want to tell me what happened?”

“Just your basic hand-to-hand injury.” 

Kirk looked away and refused to meet McCoy’s gaze.  The doctor was sure there was more to it than that, but he really didn’t need to press for any further information.

“Well, let’s take a look.” 

Kirk already had is jacket off, so Leonard helped him remove the regulation black undershirt, careful not to jostle the damaged joint.  Jim winced as McCoy’s fingers gently prodded as he examined his right shoulder.

“Yup, it’s dislocated alright.”

Jim snorted, “I already told ya that.  It’s not the first time.”

“So, you know what we gotta do to reseat the ball in the glenoid fossa.”

“ _Fuck_.” Jim breathed, “Yeah.  I know.”

“Ok, then.”  Leonard extended Jim’s right arm, grasping Jim’s right elbow with his hand and braced it against his right hip.  He placed his left hand at Jim’s shoulder.  “Ok, on the count of three.” 

McCoy waited until Jim took a deep breath and he started to count. “One.  Two.”  On ‘two’, McCoy levered Jim’s arm up sharply with his right hand and roughly shoved the joint back into alignment with his left.  Jim cried out in surprise and pain, taking great gasping breaths. 

“I thought you were going on three,” he gasped out. 

“Yeah, well, I like an element of surprise.  Doesn’t give you time to panic.”

“I don’t panic,” Jim said indignantly.

Len gave him a skeptical look and Jim amended, “Usually,” with a slight smile turning up of the corners of his mouth.

“Better?”

Jim rotated the shoulder carefully, “Yeah, thanks, Doc.”

McCoy felt like he needed to address the elephant in the room. 

“I can understand why you might be a little hesitant to trust the clinic staff after the last fuck-up, but all doctors aren’t as negligent as that idiot.”

“Hey, look at it this way, I don’t discriminate.  I hate all doctors, equally.”  Kirk shrugged his one good shoulder, “I’ve been the recipient of a lot of fuck-ups.”

McCoy paused for a moment struck by the obvious truth in that statement.  If Jim had suffered through an anaphylactic reaction before due to the carelessness of supposed medical professionals, he didn’t blame the kid one damn bit for his distrust and it only served to increase his determination to ensure it didn’t happen again.  If that meant he took him on personally as a patient and memorized his whole damn file, then so be it. 

“Look if you’re going to keep coming in here and refusing to see anyone but me, maybe we better make this relationship official.”  McCoy watched curiously as Jim blushed slightly, covering a snicker at the unintended innuendo.  “Yeah, well, you can fill out the request form to have me listed as your primary physician.”  McCoy hastened to add, “Now that doesn’t mean that you won’t ever need to see anyone else, but I’ll have access to your files…” he watched as a shadow passed over Kirk’s face, but seemed to clear as quickly as it came, “…and I would oversee any medications or treatments administered.”  He waited while Kirk seemed lost in thought.

“Yeah.  Uh, thanks, I’ll…I’ll look into that.”

McCoy couldn’t help wondering at the hesitancy in his reply when moments earlier Kirk had seemed eager for the arrangement.  Oh, well, it was the kid’s decision, he’d done all that he could.  It was up to him now.

 

The next time Len had the pleasure of Jim’s company had been for an Academy mandated follow-up screening of his allergies. 

 

**2255.299 (October 26, 2255)**

**Allergy Testing**

 

This was the third appointment that had been made by Kirk’s academic advisor and the only one he had bothered to show up for, but not willingly if the security officer lingering around the waiting room was any indication.  Pike must have gotten tired of McCoy’s scathing rants about one of his cadets wasting his valuable time. 

Kirk was here to complete what he had been avoiding, a more complete medical history and allergy work up.  McCoy had informed Pike of Kirk’s incomplete medical records and been told by the Commandant of Students that Kirk’s medical history was as complete as it was likely to get.  He was essentially warned off pushing the issue any further up the chain of command.  McCoy was politically savvy enough to take that advice at face value, but he did insist on updating Kirk’s allergy testing as it was a very real health risk. One that could be fatal.  Pike had grudgingly agreed to have Kirk report to the clinic at Len’s earliest convenience.

“Is this really necessary?”

“It is if you want me to be your doctor.  I don’t want any surprises, kid.”

Jim had sent the request to McCoy’s PADD late one night.  It had taken a considerable amount of alcohol to convince himself and he still wasn’t sure if it had been the right decision.  He had essentially given McCoy unlimited access to his medical records.  He couldn’t put his finger on why he trusted this doctor, but there was something about him that felt … safe.

While Jim’s mind wandered, McCoy continued talking.

“I don’t want a repeat of the first time we met, well, second time.”  He looked up from making notes on the PADD and smiled.  Huh, he wasn’t bad looking when he smiled.   Course he wasn’t bad looking when he scowled either. 

During his examination McCoy noted several recent injuries that probably dated from a few days ago based on the color of the bruises.  He ran a tricorder over them. 

“Uh, do you really have to put that in my record?”

“Why shouldn’t I?”

“There’s a reason I didn’t come in and have them looked at.”

“Avoiding demerits for brawling?”

“Maybe,” Jim was evasive, “but it kind of defeats the purpose if you record it now.”

“Yeah, well, you’re lucky.  Since I didn’t see you at the time of the injury, I couldn’t say for sure how it happened.  I wasn’t the treating physician, so I can’t really make any diagnosis at this point.”

“Thanks, man.”

“Not doing you any favors.  Just the way it works.  But, you can be damned sure if I see any more injuries like these, I will make a note on your psych eval.”

To make his point, McCoy flipped through the “glowing” psych eval from the Academy staff psychiatrist.  The kid had made sure to throw in a few of the expected psychological touchstones so that it wouldn’t read like a complete whitewash, but McCoy saw through that immediately.  Where had he picked up the knowledge to manipulate the results of a psychiatric examination?  Did that indicate psychopathic tendencies?  McCoy would have to look into that further.

He tossed the chart down.  “If I wanted to read a work of fiction, I would have picked up a Clancy novel.  What did you do kid?  Charm him with your smile, or your dick?”  He made a mental note to have a talk with Yardley’s superior.

“What?  You don’t believe in a well-adjusted Starfleet cadet?”

“Sure, I guess some of these overachievers are, but I know you’re not.”

“So, throwing up on me on a shuttle ride makes you an expert?”

“No, two hours of observing you to keep my mind off the shuttle flight and a PhD. in psychology make me an expert.”

“And your expert opinion?”

They were both smart.  McCoy knew Kirk was a manipulative bastard who would show you what you wanted to see while keeping his secrets safe.   He knew he was being baited and he refused to rise to it.

“Nope, only gettin’ paid for one examination today, not givin’ it away for free.”  McCoy settled into the chair beside the biobed and looked directly at Kirk, “Now care to explain to me why there’s a six year gap in your medical history?”

Both stared, waiting for the other to blink.  Kirk finally gave in, or did he?  Was he once again giving McCoy what he expected to hear, while never revealing the full truth?  The story about traveling extensively and being extremely healthy sounded like a line of bullshit, but McCoy had to grudgingly admit it could be true.   McCoy didn’t live in a hole and he did know who Jim Kirk was.  If he hadn’t, the details of his birth were clearly documented in his medical file.  So, McCoy takes what he can get and works with it.  Jim didn’t realize it, but what he didn’t tell McCoy was just as important as what he did.  Sooner or later he would put the pieces together and solve the puzzle of Jim Kirk. 

After the physical he did make a few notes in Kirk’s file.

+

While he was writing, Kirk thought back.  McCoy had shared his flask, asked open ended questions, guided the conversation, never really talking a lot himself, but always managing to keep Kirk talking.  He started to worry about what he had said, what it may have revealed unintentionally.  He hadn’t known he had to keep his guard up.  He was caught uncharacteristically unguarded. 

Sure, they hadn’t talked about anything of any real significance, Kirk had just been trying to keep McCoy’s mind off the flight, but he wondered what the doctor may have gleaned from his stories.  Kirk felt slightly off-kilter, wrong footed around the doctor now.   He had a need to see him again to try and sound him out, or he would have to hack his medical record and see what the good doctor had written. 

+

“So, Bones.  How ‘bout coffee?”

“Hell, no,” McCoy answered emphatically.

“No coffee?”

“No ‘Bones’.  No damn nicknames.  I’ve got a perfectly good name, use it.”

“Leonard?  No.  Not happening,” Kirk was just as emphatic.  “Do you want to know why ‘Bones’?”

“‘Cause I’m a doctor.  Not very original.  I’m not stupid, kid.”

“Kid?  Just how old are you?”

“Old enough to know better than hang around with you.”

“Ouch.  So you get to hang a nickname on me, but I can’t call you Bones?  Which by the way, has nothing to do with your profession.  That’s just a happy accident.”  Kirk posed with an imaginary flask in his hand and saluted McCoy doing a fairly poor impression of his southern twang, “All I got left is m’ bones.”

McCoy cringed inwardly at the hazy memory of his booze induced rant about his ex-wife on the shuttle to the Academy.  He chose to ignore the impression, “Got it in one.  Guess you’re not stupid either.” 

“Genius actually.”

“Yeah.  I read the whitewash you call your psych eval, remember.”

“I’m offended, Bones-”

“Leonard.  Or Len.”  Definitely not Leo.  Never again.

“-that you would think I would falsify an official Starfleet document, _Bones_.”

Bones growled.  He actually growled!  Jim was in heaven.  “This could be the start of a beautiful friendship.”

 

And here it was two years later and Len hadn’t managed to learn much more than he had that first month, and he was stuck with that infernal nickname.  To be fair, he had come to appreciate the name that no one but Jim was allowed to us; Jim’s rule, not his.  It made him feel claimed, like Jim had marked him as his.  What did that say about his own psyche?

Len continued to sift through Jim’s medical records for clues.  Once again he was stopped short by the footnote buried in the diagnostic details of his last recorded physical examination at age fourteen, “Propter cruciatu fuit injuriam.  TIV superstes.”  His Latin was sharp and the meaning was clear.  Jim’s injuries had been a result of torture and he was cataloged as a Tarsus IV survivor.  This wasn’t new information to the doctor, he had thoroughly reviewed Jim’s files when Jim had designated him as his primary physician, but it never failed to turn his stomach. 

Jim had been fourteen years old and the list of injuries was intentionally vague, the diagnostics of a general nature.  This was done by Starfleet to ensure the privacy of the survivor’s identities.  They had been assigned numbers in the official documentation and they didn’t want anyone linking an individual from their medical records to their experiences outlined in the official trial record.  If, as Jim’s doctor, he needed any further medical documentation of any illnesses or injuries suffered during this period, he would have to petition the Federation High Court for access.  And he better have a damn good reason for requesting it, access was rarely granted.

But Len had years of experience working in a large city hospital and he had become adept at reading between the lines of official medical files.  Very little surprised him anymore, he had seen it all.  Or so he had thought before he met Jim Kirk.  If he were so inclined, Jim would make a hell of a case study.  He could probably publish several papers on his psych evals alone.  As a survivor, Jim hadn’t escaped the inevitable endless gauntlet of Starfleet appointed mental health providers.  He had been followed at regular intervals for the next couple of years, until Jim had been old enough to legally say, “Fuck off.”  And he had, very colorfully.  It never failed to bring a needed smile to Len’s face as he read the transcription of _that_ appointment.  He could picture Jim, a scrawny sixteen-year-old drawing himself to his full height and calmly telling the doctor where she could stick her diploma.

What Len did wonder was, where was Winona in all of this?  There was barely any mention of her in the files.  There was one telling remark by one of Jim’s psychiatrists early on in his recovery process.  It wasn’t flattering.  That lack of documentation and Jim’s own unwillingness to discuss her led Len to believe that she hadn’t been available when her son had needed her most.  Winona Kirk sure as hell wasn’t winning any Mother of the Year awards.

As far as Len knew, Jim had never seen another doctor after that.  Which didn’t make sense considering how often he was in the habit of getting himself beaten up.  Whatever he was up to in the years he wandered around alone, he’d taken care of it himself or managed not to have it documented.  So while Len had a pretty complete picture of Jim’s mental health, and that was assuming you thought he told the truth to his counselors, which Len didn’t, he didn’t have a clear understanding of his medical history.  As a doctor, that frustrated him to no end.

Len had done his own psychological assessment of Jim over the years.  He felt no compunction to inform Starfleet as long as Jim wasn’t a danger to himself or others, but he occasionally had to revisit that opinion. 

Jim manifested basic symptoms of survivor’s guilt.  Len would have been suspicious if he didn’t.  It showed up in his self-imposed deprivations and issues with food and insomnia. Then there were the dreams.  He knew Jim thought he was hiding it and it probably wasn’t apparent to anyone but Len, because he knew what to look for.  But he also knew that Jim was hiding more than even Len had guessed at.

Len scrolled further down the file through the Academy mandated psychiatric evaluation to the final notes.

Jim Kirk is highly sexualized and has poor impulse control which results in risky promiscuous behavior.

Jim Kirk has anger management issues which frequently lead to physical altercations.

Both of which were well documented facts.  Neither of which should be a surprise to the doctor who had made those notes in his psych eval and only served to emphasize what Len was really here for.  Why did he put up with Jim’s shit?  Because Jim needed him as much as he needed Jim.

 

oOo

Len waited a few days then tried to get Jim to talk about what had happened that night.

“There’s nothing to talk about, Bones.  I’m good.  Really.”

Sure he was.  Jim hadn’t been sleeping or eating, but he refused to talk about it.  He was keeping himself busy and away from the dorm as much as possible.  Len was helpless to do anything but wait for him to return.  He refused to go chasing him around campus or forcing his company on him if he didn’t want it.  He couldn’t do anything to help Jim if he didn’t want his help.  So he sat back and tried to let Jim figure out what he wanted.  In the mean time, Len had his own ghosts to deal with.

 

oOo

This had been the first time since Georgia that Jim had slept with someone else.  Logically he knew it was different, but it felt like Joce all over again and it cut deep.  He tried like hell to pretend it didn’t bother him, but he wasn’t sure he was successful.  At least Jim didn’t try to insult his intelligence like Joce had.  He didn’t try to act like nothing had happened, but he did insist on acting like nothing unusual had happened, like this was just par for the course. 

He had been with Jim long enough to know that it was par for the course.  He had hoped that things might have changed now that they were, well, whatever they were, but apparently it hadn’t.  Len tried to ignore the small voice that insisted on telling him that he obviously wasn’t enough for Jim, couldn’t be what Jim needed him to be.  He knew Jim had issues he refused to deal with, that nothing would change until he did, but he had hoped that at least this destructive behavior would stop once he had a stable influence in his life.  Fuck.  Jim was probably screwed if Len was his stable influence. 

Len went through the following days trying to remind himself that this wasn’t Joce.  He’d basically given Jim permission to do just this and now he had to live with the consequences.  And it hurt.  But Jim was still here and Len knew if he had demanded anything more, Jim wouldn’t have come back.  Now he had to tell himself to keep breathing, keep putting one foot in front of the other and try not to look like he was trying too hard. 

 

oOo

The first time was the hardest.  It got easier after that, after he went home and realized that Bones was still there.  Jim did make an effort not to be too conspicuous around Bones, but he did refuse to act like this was anything out of the norm.  And he refused to discuss it.  Bones should have known what he was getting into.  That was on him.

So, on the days when Jim didn’t think he could keep _his_ ghosts at bay, he put some distance between himself and Bones.

Bones had said he was free to do what he wanted and Jim was ready to see if he really meant that.

 

oOo

Len knew Jim was testing him.  But that didn’t make it any easier to deal with.  Jim had been testing him since the day they met, but this was different. 

Len had been ready for the push back, and frankly, was surprised that it had taken this long.  Forewarned is forearmed and all that bullshit.  He should have been ready for this, but being shown once again that he just wasn’t enough played against his deepest insecurities.  Jim wasn’t the only one who was insecure.

He was disappointed when Jim seemed to be backing further away, but one thing Len had learned in life was that love alone wasn’t always enough.  Jim had to be willing to meet him half-way, he couldn’t always be the adult in charge, as much as Jim seemed to want him to be. 

 

oOo

They weren’t physical now as often as they had been at first, but they did occasionally come together.  Len knew Jim was seeing other people and he refused to allow Jim into his bed when he was bored or just needed distraction, but he did make exceptions when Jim came to him for comfort or affection.  He couldn’t turn him away.

But the last time, as he watched Jim get up to dress, it felt like Jim was running away, unable to face the emotional consequences of whatever was between them.  Because, yeah, it may be love, but neither one of them had managed to use those words again.  Not since that first night at the cabin. 

Maybe he’d made a mistake.  Len didn’t regret what’d happened, but he was afraid of the consequences.  His own past had made him defensive and reluctant to put his heart out there again, but he had.  Spectacularly.  And it could all go to shit just as spectacularly.  

Len was starting to wonder if maybe it had just been the situation, the atmosphere of the weekend at the secluded cabin that had brought those words out.  Maybe Jim was sorry he’d said it?  Len was feeling a little stupid for having said it himself.  At least Jim had said it first, but then as his Mama always said, “Two wrongs don’t make a right.”  Maybe they had both been wrong and this was all that was left. 

 

oOo

As the holiday break and the deadline for submission of their duty assignment requests approached, Jim became hyper aware of every public interaction he and Bones had.   Jim had submitted his request early in the semester, but Bones had held his until the end because he was going to request to be stationed on the Enterprise knowing that Starfleet had other plans for him.  He was even taking the unusual step of preparing a formal argument to accompany his request, arguing that his inclusion on the crew would not only further his career objectives but his research as well.  He knew Starfleet had a high stake in his potential discoveries and he knew that to be on the flagship, foremost in galactic exploration, and to be present for first contact would increase the potential for medical discoveries.  New species of flora could mean new medications, contact with alien species could potentially add to the medical knowledge base. 

He was betting on Starfleet’s avarice and his argument was persuasive.  One of the many things Bones excelled at was arguing.  If he turned his talents to diplomacy he could be unequaled, but there was that one pesky requirement for civility and Bones was definitely not civil.  He voiced his opinions loudly and vigorously, and most often, colorfully.  That being said, when he set his mind to something, he was a force to be reckoned with. 

 

oOo

**Stardate 2257.329 (Wednesday, November 25, 2257)**

Len pressed the send button on his duty assignment request and shut the terminal down.  He wouldn’t know the result of his request for another couple of months.  He grabbed his bag and headed for the shuttle port to board the shuttle that would take him home to Georgia for Thanksgiving.   He welcomed the distraction of the trip to take his mind off the fact that Jim wasn’t going with him. 

Things had been strained and Len didn’t know how much longer it could go on like this.  He had a decision to make.

 

oOo

**Stardate 2257.330 (Thursday, November 26, 2257) – Thanksgiving**

 “Where’s McCoy?”

“Georgia.”

“Why didn’t you go with him?”

“Too busy.”  Jim was sure that Pike was well aware of his commitments and that he wasn’t that busy.

“I just got McCoy’s request.  Did you know about this?” He tossed the PADD on his desk.

“Yeah, he told me.”  He looked at Pike’s disapproving expression, “He has the right to request whatever assignment he wants.”

“I realize that, Jim, but I explained to you that he didn’t have much hope of a posting on the Enterprise.”

“And why is that, exactly?”

“You know why.”

Jim’s panic flared as he kept his expression neutral.  What did Pike know?  “Well, it’s not because he isn’t good enough.”

“No, it’s not that.  If anything, it’s that he’s _too_ good.  You know Starfleet wants him elsewhere.”

“I’m willing to bet that if you requested him specifically, they might listen.”

“They might.  But I’m not sure I want to do that?”

“Why not?  Because he disobeyed an order?"

“He told you about that, did he?” Pike poured himself a drink from the decanter on the sideboard.  He offered one to Jim who declined.

“Of course he did.  He tells me everything.  You didn’t really expect him to ignore someone in medical need did you?”

“I can’t have my crew disobeying my orders.”

Jim opened his mouth to argue, but snapped it shut.

“Yes, even you, especially you.  Let’s get that clear right now.  I know you’ll want to be the first dumbass on the front line throwing himself headfirst into danger.  You’re no good to your crew if you go getting yourself killed.  You need to start thinking less like a soldier and more like a Captain.  You need to find a way to distance yourself and see the big picture so you can make the command decisions that need to be made.  Can you really do that if you’re too concerned about one crewmembers safety?”

While Jim sat quietly thinking, Pike looked him over speculatively.  “He tells you everything?  Just how close are you two?”

Jim shifted, suddenly uncomfortable with the turn the conversation had taken.

“Why?  Does it matter?”

“It might.  If it interferes with your duty or my chain of command.”

“It wouldn’t.”

“There are strict regulations against fraternization.” 

“Who said anything about fraternization?”  Jim realized he was starting to sound defensive.

“I’m not blind, Jim.  You two have been joined at the hip for the past two years.  Are you really going to sit there and tell me there’s nothing between you two?”

“No, I can’t do that.”  Pike’s eyes flicked up to his as he continued, “Bones is my best friend.  He’s closer to me than my own brother, he’s family.  But that wouldn’t affect our working relationship.”

He should have known that Jim wouldn’t confirm his suspicions, but the documents in desk proved otherwise.  Pike didn’t give a fuck about the fraternization regulations, or the one against posting spouses with children together.  Hell, he could make the argument that, technically, Jim and Len didn’t have children, Len did, and she was living with her mother. 

Pike was unconvinced.  “You can’t make that promise, Jim.  You have no idea what it’s like out in the black, serving with a crew that becomes _closer_ than family.  It’s the Captain’s responsibility to not allow that to affect the mission.

“Tell me this, do you think you could order McCoy to participate in a mission you knew had a high probability of failure resulting in casualties?  Because that will be the kind of decisions you’ll be expected to make.  With impartiality.  Do you think you could be impartial where McCoy is concerned, Jim?  Be honest.”

Jim got up and paced nervously.  Didn’t that question go straight to the heart of his fears?  Damn Pike for putting him on the spot. 

“Honestly, I don’t know.  But you must have found yourself in similar situations, what did you do?”

He took a long draw from the glass in a hand which he worked to hold steady, “I ordered good men and women to their deaths.”  He looked up to Jim, “I wish you’d never have to know what that feels like, but that’s the nature of our job.”

Jim looked away, lost in the memories of other deaths he had already been responsible for.  He didn’t want Bones to be among them.

 

After leaving Pike’s, Jim couldn’t get Bones out of his mind.

“What’re you doin’ here, Jim?” 

Jim was leaning casually against the doorframe holding an apple pie.  “I dunno, was just in the neighborhood, thought I’d drop by and say hi.”  He leaned in and pressed a light kiss to Len’s lips, “So, um, hi.”

Len slowly ran his tongue along his bottom lip and looked at Jim considering.

“You going to invite me in, big guy?”

He sighed, “Sure, what the hell,” he moved aside.

“There’s that Southern hospitality I always hear so much about.”  Jim pushed off the doorframe and pressed close to Len to move around him in the small space of the foyer.  Len didn’t miss the brush of Jim’s hand across his ass and neither did his traitorous cock.

“Down boy,” he whispered under his breath.  “It’s gonna take a lot more than a kiss and a holiday pie to make up for all the shit he’s given us lately.”

 

Eleanora barely glanced up from the pot she was stirring when Jim walked into the kitchen.  “Jim, you’re late.  You better hurry and wash up and get the table set.”

“Yes, Ma’am,” Jim looked in confusion at Len who just shrugged.

“I told her you weren’t comin’, but she persisted in believin’ otherwise.”

“Of course you were coming.  Never heard anything so foolish in all my life, now get a move on boy and set that table.  Dinner is almost ready.  Leo, you go help him.”

“Yes, Ma’am.”

Jim snickered, but both men jumped to obey the order. 

They moved around the dining room in silence until the table had been set.  Len watched as Jim placed the last of the silver on the table before commenting further.  “So, you made it after all.  Your commitment fall through?”

“No.  No, it was just over sooner than I expected.”

“Uh huh,” Len looked skeptical, but Jim didn’t feel like explaining about his conversation with Pike, not before Thanksgiving Dinner.  He also didn’t want to explain what had convinced him to travel to Georgia at the last minute. 

Jim relaxed in the warm accepting atmosphere of the McCoy household.  Here he was Jim, Bones’ husband.  It was the only place where he was actually allowed to be Bones’ husband, but he still didn’t feel like he had the right to act on that.  He and Bones had been dancing around each other for a couple of months now.  Both had stepped back from the relationship and they had started to drift apart.  It felt odd to be here, included in the family gathering when things were strained between them, but Eleanora either didn’t know the current state of affairs, or she was being diplomatic about it all.  Either way, Jim was included as part of the family like he belonged there, and even though he felt like a fraud, he couldn’t help enjoying the feeling of inclusion.

That evening, after a huge meal and helping with the clean up, Jim said his thank-yous and made his good-byes. 

Bones walked Jim to the door where they paused for a moment on the porch alone.

Jim leaned against the railing and looked out over the fields toward the barn while Len took a good look at him.  He looked thinner, despite his mother’s well intentioned attempt to fatten him up, and tired.  Len ran one hand over the light scruff of a beard that he hadn’t shaved in a couple of days.   He crossed his arms over his chest and rocked back on his heels.

 “Shuttles are gonna be packed, what with the holiday and all.  Why don’t you stay here tonight?”

Jim turned to face Bones and settled back against the railing, crossing his feet at the ankles.  He too crossed his arms across his chest.

He found himself really looking at Bones wondering what would be the harm.  Oh, he knew perfectly well what he harm was. It would come when Bones left him.  And he would.  No one could handle him and all of his shit for long.  He always made sure of that.  Even when he’d tried hard to keep himself in check, under control, he managed to drive the people in his life away.

Jim sighed and stood, “I’m not sure that would be the best idea under the circumstances.” 

He approached Bones slowly broadcasting his intent and giving the man plenty of time to refuse.  Instead Bones merely uncrossed his arms and stood his ground.  Jim took him slowly in his arms and the two clung to each other.  Jim could feel the beating of Bones’ heart and he was sure Bones could feel the beat of his own slamming against his ribs.  There were so many things he wanted to say, but he couldn’t find the words.  Instead he gave Len another quick kiss goodbye and released him.

“I’ll see you when you get back.”

“I’ll be home on Saturday.”

Jim nodded and waved as he got into the rental car and headed down the long drive.

Len stood at the door as Jim turned the car towards the city and watched until the lights disappeared in the distance.

 

oOo

**2257.338 (Friday, December 4, 2257)**

So, with the holiday behind them, Jim and Len returned to mutually existing in the same space.  With Len’s formal request now part of the official record, Jim’s paranoia was on full alert. 

It got so bad that he hardly ever touched Len in public anymore.  Gone were the days of comfortable physical touching and comradery.  Len found he missed the flirting touches, the bumped shoulders, the hand on his knee, hell, even the chaste holiday kisses.  Their interactions had taken on a certain sterility, like they had never met, and Len wasn’t the only one to notice. 

Jim had become obsessed with preparing for his coming attempt at the Kobayashi Maru.  He had been working himself to the point of exhaustion, so the following weekend Len relented and allowed Jim to drag him to their usual bar.  He knew the kid needed to blow off some steam and he figured he better go along in case adult supervision was required.  But once they were there he found himself sitting alone until Nyota and Gaila arrived.

“What is wrong between you and your doctor?  Are you fighting?” Gaila asked innocently.

“No.  Everything is fine.”

She looked doubtful and Jim distracted her by pulling her onto the dance floor.  Jim ground his frustrations into Gaila’s ass that night and she let him.  For old time’s sake.

+

“What’d you do to Kirk?” Uhura watched Jim and Gaila moving together in a highly suggestive manner.

“Why?”

“Just curious, wish I could get him to leave me alone like that.”

“I don’t think my method would work for you.”  Uhura raised one well-groomed eyebrow, but didn’t question him further and he refused to elaborate.

 

Jim’s paranoia started to grate on Len’s nerves.  It was starting to feel suspiciously like shame.  Like he was ashamed to be seen in public with him.  Jim was touchy feely by nature, it was one of the first things he had noticed about the kid and it had taken him some time to get used to, but now he missed it.  He hated being treated like a stranger. 

He confronted Jim when they got home and Jim got defensive.

“You were the one that wanted to keep things private.  Now that you’ve formally requested assignment to Enterprise, you know we have to keep this a secret.” 

“I know that Jim.  I just didn’t think it meant you’d barely look at me in public while I’d have to watch you throwin’ yourself at every other cadet in the damn place!”

Jim started to get that trapped look in his eye.  Like a small animal that was looking for a way out, eyes darting around the room, not settling, not looking at Len.

“You said no strings, right?”

“I did!”  Len scrubbed both hands roughly over his face.  “I did.  Is that what this is?”

“No, I just don’t want anyone getting the wrong idea about us.”

“Jim, people have had the wrong idea about us since we met.  You know half the campus thinks we’ve been fuckin’ all along.  Now they just think we’re havin’ a lover’s quarrel.  Besides, that would kinda be the _right_ idea.”

“Well, they may have suspected something was going on before, but they were wrong and that’s all they need to know.  No need to let them know it turned out to be true.”

Jim was ready to bolt.  Len had seen this coming from a mile away, but that didn’t make it any easier.  Jim had made his decision, it was time for Len to make his. 

“I can’t be your fuckbuddy, Jim.  That’s what you’ve got Gaila for.”  Jim just stared at him.  He hadn’t been with Gaila in over a year.  “I can’t live like this Jim.  I can’t be your dirty little secret.  I guess I thought we could at least continue on the way we always had been.” 

“Well, we can’t.  People already wondered about us.  Even Pike has asked.  It looks better if I’m seen with other people.  And this, it’s … no strings, right?”

“Why don’t you remind me one more fuckin’ time?  I think you just want permission.  Go ahead, I ain’t stoppin’ you, but ‘no fuckin’ strings’ goes both ways, Jim.”  And with that he slammed out of the room.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was difficult to write. It was heavily dependent on internal thoughts, and I worried about making it too bleak and heavy. I want to get back to the lighter banter and humor, but I felt it was necessary to finish laying out all of the issues the boys are dealing with at the start of the story. It will require less explanation later to get in the way of the action. I hope you will stay with me and see where this goes. Enjoy!


	3. Chapter Two

**Stardate 2257.343 (Tuesday, December 9, 2257)**

Jim expected to fail the Kobayashi Maru the first time, everyone did.  He’d spent considerable time preparing by analyzing what others had attempted before him and reviewing the outcomes of the tests for the past five years.   Regardless of his extensive research though, he considered this test essentially a fact finding mission for his second attempt, so he hadn’t asked Bones to be there.

He started to doubt that decision the day of the sim as he stood on the bridge before the captain’s chair and surveyed his crew.  He knew them all, but it would have been nice to see one friendly face who he knew was there just for him, not for their own performance reviews.  Jim was allowed to choose his crew, but this time he had chosen from the pools of other cadets who needed the sim evaluation for their respective rates.  Next time he would hand pick his crew.  He wasn’t too sure about how their response times figured into the overall outcome of the sim.  They were basically being evaluated on how they handled orders in a stressful crisis situation, but he was sure that his ability to factor in their responses and change his strategy appropriately would reflect on his performance review.

He sat in the chair and was quickly immersed in the drama playing out around him.  Events evolved quickly and Jim was absorbed in assessing and responding to each threat on the fly, receiving reports and shouting orders.  It was therefore a shock when sim ended suddenly. 

The Kobayashi Maru had been destroyed early in the battle, but Jim had been able to keep his own ship viable and his crew alive much longer than most cadets.  He was attempting a strategic retreat when one well-placed photo torpedo to the weakened aft shields took out his life support systems and ignited a chain reaction of explosions in the munitions bay.  All of the consoles on the bridge screamed an alert simultaneously just seconds before there was a complete power failure and the room was thrust into darkness.  The only light came from the main view screen which flashed the message ‘Ship Destroyed’.  There was silence as the overhead classroom lighting system came on.  Jim stood stone faced in the center of the bridge as the other cadets gathered their things and clapped him on the back in commiseration as they filed out. 

It was a known fact that no one had ever failed Strategic Warfare because of their failure on the Kobayashi Maru, so Jim wasn’t particularly concerned with his evaluation grade.  He knew he had managed to keep his people alive longer than anyone else this year, so he didn’t bother waiting around to consult with the instructor.  He didn’t need a verbal dissection of his flaws, he would read the written version later over a stiff drink.

The biggest problem Jim had faced when he was preparing for this test was the fact that it wasn’t entirely computerized.  There was a live human response that was unquantifiable.  The sim was programmed, but instructors sat at live consoles on the observation deck and changed variables based on the participant’s responses.  It really was designed to be an intense fly by the seat of your pants exercise in chaotic futility to test a cadet’s responses to a fluid unpredictable situation.  Whatever advantage Jim had managed to achieve had been quickly erased.  They’d had an offensive countermeasure to thwart every defense he’d managed to come up with.

For years cadets had been discussing their performance on the exam.  The scenario was basically always the same.  A distress call is received from the Kobayashi Maru and you are ordered to respond.   Why the Maru was in distress changed, but there was almost always an alien force to be dealt with.  Jim had combed the online blogs and discussions about the Maru for the last five years.  What he’d learned was that in the last three years there had been a shift and the sim had become much more complicated, but the outcome was the same as it always had been, a compete slaughter.  No one got out alive. 

So, though he thought he’d been prepared for the failure, Jim found himself walking away with a heavy heart.  Even though it was a sim, it had felt real for the few minutes that it had lasted.  His ship had been destroyed and his crew killed and Jim tried to shake off an unsettling sense of melancholy as he headed back to the dorm. 

 

oOo

Jim drained his glass and placed it on the table.  He picked up his PADD and read his assessment again.

What really galled him was that his failure was expected and accepted.  No one seemed to take this test seriously anymore.  Hell, since it was known to be “unwinnable” no one even really tried to win.  Kirk had gotten high marks for his “forward thinking and unique tactical response” and that grated on him even more.  He was being rewarded for failure. 

What was the fucking point of a test no one tried to pass?  It basically confirmed to him that the instructors didn’t expect anyone to succeed.  Did that mean that it really was unwinnable?  What would happen if someone actually beat their sim? 

They would go down in Academy legend and something about that really appealed to Kirk’s rebellious side.  That and the part of him that just hated to fucking lose. 

 

Len returned to the dorm room to find Jim sitting at the kitchen table with a half-empty bottle of Chivas in front of him, one that he had given him last winter when he had lost a bet.  He should have known that Jim would have no problem showing up to class buck naked, but to be fair he had been thinking with his dick at the time and his brain had been pickled in alcohol, otherwise he wouldn’t have taken such a sucker bet.  However, he had never been happier to lose a bet. 

But tonight didn’t look like a happy occasion.

Jim hadn’t moved since he came in, he was staring out the window at the dark quad, but he spoke as Len picked up the PADD on the table. 

“It’s a load of crap.”

Strategic Warfare Exam Results.  Fuck.  He had forgotten that was today.  Jim had been preparing for it for weeks, but he’d been very tight lipped about it.  He had mentioned the date in passing, but Len had forgotten with his own schedule of exams.  He took another look at Jim.  No need to ask how it went, it went the same for everyone.

“How much of that did you drink?” He gestured toward the bottle of Chivas.

“Don’t worry, Doc, it wasn’t full when I started.”

Len picked up the bottle, capped it and returned it to the kitchen cabinet.  “Either way, I think you’ve had enough.”

“You do, huh?  Well, maybe I don’t.”

“Then you’re going to have to go through me to get it.”

Jim looked at him speculatively, “I think I can handle that.”

“I wouldn’t be so sure if I were you.  Even if you were sober I think I’d have the advantage.”

“Well, maybe we’ll find out some day just who has the advantage.”

“Whatever, Jim.  Why don’t you take your drunk ass to bed?”

“Oh, I plan to.”  Jim stood unsteadily and reached for his leather jacket. 

“Where you goin’?”

“Out.  Don’t wait up.”  With that the door slid shut.

“Never do,” Len muttered under his breath to the empty room.

 

oOo

 “Will that be all?” The female bartender asked.

“Yeah, unless you want to discuss the fluid dynamics of thermonuclear explosions in a vacuum.”

“Cadets,” she said with disgust as she moved to wait on a patron at the other end of the bar.

“What’s your yield?”  Jim turned his attention to the woman on the next barstool.

“75 megatons.”

“Mmm,” she looked him up and down, “I do like them large.”

Jim gave her his best jackass grin, “Well, I aim to please.” 

 

He was talking the girl’s ear off.  “What I don’t get is if we’re dead, we’re dead, did it really matter how long it took us to die?  Just gives you longer to think about it.”

She was good looking and she was listening to him rant.  She deserved a reward.  He signaled the bartender for two more drinks.

Jim had learned that her name was Marlena.  Her specialty was astrophysics but she had a good understanding of weapon physics in deep space.  She had a beautiful mind for the math and she was able to follow the calculations Jim scrawled on bar napkins while he ranted about the physics of shock hydrodynamics and tactical weapon systems.  Tonight, Jim would have found her gorgeous for that fact alone, but she was also beautiful. 

Anyone looking at them would see two beautiful people enjoying a drink and each other’s company, but what it really was was two beautiful minds meeting and dancing in the math. 

Math to Jim was sensual and he was intrigued by Marlena.  She spoke to the analytical part of his brain, his cerebral cortex, which apparently now was on a first name basis with his limbic system if his dick was anything to go by, because it was taking an interest in the math as well.  

“It’s a math boner.  Is that weird?”

“No weirder than my getting wet just thinking about the physics.”

“Think I’d like to do the math.  Why don’t we take this discussion somewhere a little more private?”

 

Jim flopped back on the mattress sweating and panting, trying to catch his breath.  “Wow, you are _really_ good at math.”

“I bet you say that to all the astrophysicists.”

“Hey, I don’t do math with just anybody.”  She looked at him in clearly mocking disbelief.  “Don’t get me wrong, I’ll fuck just about anybody, but math … that’s sacred.”

Jim smiled at her bright infectious laugh.  He couldn’t remember the last time he had had such an intellectually and physically stimulating night.  Well, he could, but he pushed away the handsome scowling face that came to mind and focused on the girl beside him.

So, for a little while Jim tried to forget about the Maru, classes and Bones.

 

oOo

One thing being with Jim had done was remind Len that he really did need companionship.  He had closed that part of himself off after the divorce, but now he found himself looking around the campus with new eyes.  

He had noticed Nurse Christine Chapel when she had transferred to Emergency from Cardiology.  She was beautiful, whip smart, sarcastic and, most importantly, emotionally stable.  And that was exactly what he needed. 

 

“Your coffee.”

“Woman, you are a God send.”

“I didn’t buy it, I just got elected to deliver it.  The orderlies and interns buy it, but they’re too afraid to approach you before you’ve had your caffeine.”

“They should be.  Morons.  Can’t deal with their stupidity ‘til I’ve had my coffee.”

Christine was highly competent and one of the only staff members who didn’t seem intimidated by his surly attitude.  They’d struck up a quick friendship.

“Should I get the extraction kit ready, Doctor?” 

Chris finally had Len’s attention.  He looked up from his paperwork confused, because he didn’t think he had any patients waiting.  “What the hell are you goin’ on about?” 

“So we can go in after whatever crawled up your ass and died.”

Len couldn’t help the snort of unbecoming laughter.  “Christine Marie Chapel, I am appalled at your language.”

“Am I offending your delicate Southern sensibilities?”

“Damn straight.  It’s what I like best about you.  You’re not afraid to say what’s on your mind.”

“Oh, I’d really make you blush if I did that.”

It was that remark that started him thinking.

 

Despite their banter, Christine was a consummate professional in front of others.  Her sass only appeared when they were alone.  It intrigued Len and he found himself managing to be alone with her as much as their schedules allowed. 

 

He also found himself noticing who Chapel hung around with.  There was always an active grapevine in hospitals and even though he never participated in gossip, he wasn’t above listening in.  He was able to glean a few tidbits here and there regarding Chapel and her social life.  Luckily for him, she seemed to be unattached at the moment and she didn’t seem to be looking for anything serious.

 

oOo

It had been a busy day in the clinic and Len had finally managed to steal a few minutes in a quiet corner to update his patient files.   It was promising to be a long night as well and he wasn’t looking forward to the spectacle he had to attend that evening.  He knew Jim would be there, working the room at Pike’s side, schmoozing the Admirals, flirting with the wives and courting the daughters.  It was the last thing he wanted to put himself through, but his attendance was mandatory.   His presence was required to represent “Starfleet Medical’s Commitment to Innovation and Cutting-Edge Research.”  God help him, he was as much Medical’s poster boy as Jim was Command’s.  And it galled him. 

So, tonight he was once again facing a night of smiling and socializing and pretending that being ignored by his best friend wasn’t tearing him apart. 

He looked over absently lost in thought as Christine Chapel walked past, her arms full of medical supplies as she continued restocking the clinic’s emergency supply station.  He watched as she bent down to reach the bottom shelf and startled when she said, “Stop staring at my ass, McCoy.”

He blushed guiltily and wondered how she knew, as she had addressed her comment to the bandages she was stocking and hadn’t looked in his direction.  He glanced around.  They were alone.  No harm then in responding.

“You wish, Chapel.”

“Can’t say I’d mind.”  She straightened up and gave him a saucy smile. 

“That so?  Well, it just so happens that I was merely supervising your work.”

“Uh huh.  Is that what you call it now?”

“I have a reputation for accuracy to uphold.  I take it very seriously.”

“Well then Doctor, maybe you could come and show me the proper placement of these,” and she dangled a set of light duty medical restraints from one hand. 

Len contemplated his response and hoped he wasn’t reading her wrong.  If he was, this could be a horrible mistake.  Last thing he needed was a harassment charge in his file. 

Fuck it.  He wasn’t wrong.

+

McCoy wandered over and took the restraints from her hand.  “These restraints are helpful when one requires a light restraint and it’s necessary to make sure the patient is properly restrained without restricting blood flow.”  He tested their strength, “These are nice, but I personally prefer something a little more rugged, something that requires a stronger hand.”  He set the light weight straps in their designated place and instead selected a set of heavier cuffs.  “Now these have come in very handy in the past.”

Holy fuck! 

Every damn nurse in this facility had tried to get Leonard McCoy to flirt to no avail.  Christine could scarcely believe they were having this conversation, because there was no way to misinterpret his comments.  The way he had moved into her personal space, the raised brow, the smirk. 

Fuck! 

Dr. Leonard McCoy was flirting with her! 

Christine snapped her gaping mouth closed and answered as nonchalantly as she could, “I bet they have.” 

 

This time it was Christine who managed to have duties to attend to that caused her to cross paths with Len several more times that day.   So, by the end of the day Len had made up his mind.

Len looked at Christine out of the corner of his eye while he entered some data into a patient’s PADD.

“Hey, Chris.  You got any plans for tonight?”

She looked up surprised, looked him up and down.  “Looks like I do now.”

“Seriously.  I have this thing I gotta go to and I’d rather not go alone.  You game?”

“As long as it’s not a wedding or a funeral, I’m game.”  She could barely contain her excitement.  It was taking all of her control to remain aloof, but she was pretty sure any overt display would scare the good doctor off.  So she played it cool.

“Yeah, I’ve heard that about you.”

“What!?  From who?”

Len chuckled as he walked away. 

“McCoy.  McCoy!”

 _Yeah, the night’s lookin’ up._  

Len realized he was smiling when one of the interns stopped to stare at him.  _Can’t have that now._  

“You need somethin’ to do, Taylor?  Be happy to find you somethin’ if you got nothin’ better to do than stand in the hall and stare,” he snapped.  He had to suppress a second smile as the intimidated first-year intern looked about frantically before fleeing. 

Yup.  Night was lookin’ up.

 

oOo

This reception was a practical exercise in political diplomacy and Pike insisted on taking every opportunity to expose Jim to the type of people who could help further his career.  Jim was here out of loyalty to Chris.

Christopher Pike had taken Jim under his wing and they had a closer relationship than student and advisor would suggest.  Chris was the reason he was here.  He had made it his job to see that Jim fulfilled his vow to graduate in three instead of four years.  Without Chris’ mentorship that would have been nearly impossible.  Jim had earned his place with his own hard work and determination, but Pike was Jim’s advocate with the admiralty.  Not everyone wanted to see him succeed but Chris never doubted that he would.  He seemed to take an almost paternal interest in Jim’s success and Jim felt an unexpected desire to make him proud.   

 

Jim saw them arrive together.  He was half-listening to Pike regale Admiral Winston with some tale from his time as First Officer of the _Intrepid_ , but he had one eye on the door watching for Bones.

He saw Bones walk in looking handsome in his dress grays and was surprised to see that he had one of his nurses on his arm.  Chapel, he remembered her from one of his visits to the clinic, and she was dressed in a becoming sapphire blue dress.  They made a good looking couple, but in all their time at the academy Jim had never actually seen Bones with anyone.  It was disconcerting.

Jim found his eyes searching the room for Bones, tracking his movements.  He watched him laughing with Chris, his hand on the small of her back and he swallowed the sour taste of jealousy.  If this was how Bones felt watching him flirt with other women then he owed him an apology.

Bones moved easily through the crowd and Jim was reminded that he was no new comer to politics.  He had years of experience in the medical sector.  He exuded a confident authority that never failed to affect Jim.  Jim had a practiced sexuality that he donned like his reds, it was a conscious act to entice.  Bones didn’t know he was doing it.  He was completely unaware of his own sexuality and that’s what made it so much more attractive.  Jim had seen it in the privacy of their room, but to see it here, in public and directed at someone else, was maddening. 

“Cadet Kirk?” 

“Hmm?”  Jim was forced to turn his attention back to Pike and Admiral Beecher, “I’m sorry, Sir.”

“I was just asking if you had any thoughts on the latest reports from the Salarian survey.”

 Jim tuned back into the conversation and lost track of Bones and Christine, so he was taken off guard when Admiral Beecher addressed Bones, “What about you, Doctor McCoy, do you concur with Cadet Kirk’s assessment of the importance of the recent anomaly?” 

Jim moved aside to allow Bones’ inclusion in the group.

“Well now, Admiral, I’m just a humble country doctor.  I don’t know that my opinion would be as informed as Jim’s.”  But Bones proceeded to contribute to the esoteric conversation highlighting just how well informed he pretended not to be. 

Jim was reminded once again of the vast amounts of knowledge that Bones seemed to absorb and how agile his mind was and couldn’t help the feeling of pride that filled his chest.  He couldn’t take any credit for Bones, but he sure as hell had a possessive pride in him.  Chris or no Chris, here Bones was his and he reinforced that claim by placing himself firmly at Bones’ side.

+

Len didn’t miss the move, Jim aligning himself with him, and he had to swallow a small smile.  It felt good to be here beside Jim, but it only lasted precisely as long as the conversation did. 

The officers moved off to speak to others and Jim lingered a moment with Bones.  “Having fun?”

“‘Bout as much as a rectal exam.” 

“Giving or getting?”

“Either.”

Jim took a sip of his drink and looked around the room, his eyes lighting on Christine.

“So, Chapel, huh?” 

The fleeting sense of belonging fled as Len was reminded that he wasn’t here with Jim, but at least he wasn’t alone this time. 

“I just couldn’t face another one of these nights alone.” 

+

And that small unintentional remark dug deep and caused an ache in the vague vicinity of his heart.   Jim never meant to ignore Bones during these functions, but he had an obligation to Pike. 

Bones continued, unaware of the affect of his words, “Guess I better go rescue Chris from Dr. Boyce.”

Jim looked over to see Christine laughing at something the older man had said, resting her hand on his arm.

“Yeah, you better hurry up or Phil might be the one taking her home tonight.”

“Like hell,” Bones growled.

Jim forced a smile as Bones made his way through the crowd to Chris’ side.

 

Pike had no idea what the relationship was between Kirk and his doctor, McCoy.  At first they had just seemed like good friends, wingmen even.  But things seemed to shift at some point and he would almost have sworn they were romantically involved, except he knew for a fact that Jim was a regular on the dorm circuit. 

There was that time he had seen Kirk with McCoy’s kid, but he supposed that could be easily explained away since McCoy was out of commission.  But he had heard the girl call Jim ‘Daddy’ and it had made him curious enough to do a little digging into McCoy’s sudden resignation.  What he’d found was a public record of Joanna McCoy’s guardianship.  Clay Treadway’s petition to adopt had been rejected and custody had been awarded to Leonard Kirk-McCoy.  That had sent him combing the Georgia marriage records where he’d found an entry for James Kirk and Leonard Kirk-McCoy dated one day before the custody hearing.  The obvious conclusion was that they had married for legal leverage to get McCoy custody of his daughter.  But was there more to it than that? 

He had seen how possessive Jim had gotten when McCoy had been injured.  He had personally taken the brunt of his anger.  They were fiercely protective of each other and it really did seem like the two of them relied on each other.  He knew that feeling and it could be a double edged sword. 

That kind of dependency could be a liability in a command structure.   But it could also be an asset if Jim had someone he trusted to support him.  Pike knew the kid didn’t trust easily.  He had reason to hold himself apart, but he had taken McCoy in almost from the start.  Pike wouldn’t always be there to watch over the kid, but it sure looked like McCoy intended to be if his persuasive argument for assignment to the Enterprise was any indication.  Maybe he had been looking at this all wrong, filtering it through his own experiences.  It wasn’t fair to the two young men to transfer his disappointments and failures onto them.  Maybe what hadn’t worked for him could work for them.

Their relationship really wasn’t any of his business, but he had more than just a passing interest in anything that could jeopardize Jim’s future.  The kid was going to do great things in the name of the Federation, of that he was certain.  So, while whatever Kirk and McCoy got up to in the privacy of their room was none of his business, if it started to affect either of their grades or graduation, he would make it his business. 

He just wished he knew what exactly he was dealing with because these two were all over the place.  Tonight it seemed like McCoy had taken a page from Kirk’s book and found other company. 

Well, if there was anything between them, it might do them both some good to put It behind them and move on.  Academy romances never worked out.  He should know.  Pike’s gaze fell wistfully on the silver haired head of Medical as he chatted with McCoy and his date.

 

Pike waited until Phil Boyce was alone before he approached him. 

“Hey, Phil.”

“Hey, Chris, enjoying the night?”

“’Bout the same as usual, same shit, different day.  I saw you talking with McCoy.”

“He’s got some interesting new ideas.  I’m constantly amazed by how that man’s mind works.  He doesn’t limit his approach by preconceived assumptions like most of the medical industry.  He’s not afraid to attack a problem from unconventional angles.  I think that and his sheer tenacity is why he’s so much more successful than most researchers these days.” 

“He’s a hell of a doctor too, from what I’ve seen.”

“He is.  I’d say it’s been a pleasure having him on staff, but his expertise comes with one hell of an attitude.  Luckily he’s got the talent to back up his reputation, because frankly, he scares the hell out of my staff.  I sure as hell wouldn’t want to get on his bad side.”

Pike chuckled, “Yeah.  I’ve had the pleasure.”

“I did get that vibe when you’re name came up in conversation.  What did you do to piss the good doctor off?  I only ask because I don’t want to make the same mistake.”

“Other than the medical mission that went sideways?”  Pike looked at Boyce with a serious look, “This is just between you and me, right Phil?”

Boyce looked offended, “You don’t even have to ask Chris.  You know that.”

Pike sighed deeply, “I’ve got a problem and I was hoping you might be able to help me with it.”

“With McCoy?”

“Yeah.  He’s requested Enterprise.”

Boyce looked up in surprise, “Really?  He requested a deep space assignment?  That doesn’t sound like the McCoy I know.  He hates flying and he’s very vocal about it.”

“I know.  But there’s something he cares about more than he hates flying.”

Pike tilted his head and directed his eyes to a point across the room.  Boyce followed his eyes and looked back at Pike, “Kirk?”

Pike nodded and took another drink.

“I knew they were friends, but…are you saying it’s something more?”

“Honestly, I don’t know.  Neither of them are very forth coming.  Before tonight I would have sworn there was something more there, but it looks like McCoy brought a date.” 

Phil nodded, “Christine Chapel.  She’s one of the nurses on his team.  Damn fine nurse.  I thought they were just friends,” Boyce frowned, “but, I may have to reassign her if they’re dating.  Can’t have the appearance of impropriety.” 

“Chapel?”

“You know her?”

“No, but I know the name.  Pretty sure she’s requested Enterprise as well.”

“Looks like you've got a mess on your hands, Chris.  I don’t envy you.”

“What do you think the odds are that The Powers That Be would allow McCoy to be posted on Enterprise?”

“Normally I’d say slim to none.  But that’s why you’re talking to me isn’t it?”

“What?  No, this is just a friendly conversation between colleagues.”

“Is that all we are now,” Boyce asked quietly, “colleagues?”

Pike turned toward Boyce, putting his back to the room to give them some semblance of privacy.  “Never, Phil.  You know that.  Any time you decide you’ve had enough of all this, we’re out of here.” 

“Ah, but they’re giving you a shiny new ship.  I can’t compete with that.”  He sighed, “We missed our chance a long time ago, Chris.”

“We aren’t dead yet.  You say the word and they can find Enterprise a new Captain.”

“I would never do that to you.  I know you’re salivating at the chance to command her.  Maybe we give it a few more years?” 

“Sure.”

It was a well-worn promise.  There was always tomorrow, but tomorrow never seemed to come for them.  Pike cleared his throat and turned back to the room, effectively ending the private conversation.  “So, about McCoy.”

“Why are you taking such a personal interest?  He’s not the first cadet to be denied his first choice of assignment.”

“Besides the incredible potential both men have, I guess they remind me of two other misguided cadets.”  Pike shrugged, “Maybe they could benefit from our mistakes.”

“You want Kirk and McCoy on Enterprise together.” 

“Against my better judgement, yes.  We never got that chance.  I’m not sure if it would bring them together, or tear them apart, but I wish we’d been given that opportunity.  Maybe things would be different now.”

“Well, I don’t know what I can do, but if you forward me his request, maybe I can add a recommendation.”

“Thanks, Phil.”

 

Pike wandered over to Kirk who was still trying with varying amounts of success to pretend he wasn’t watching McCoy and Chapel.

McCoy was helping Chapel into her coat.  He brushed her hair aside and let his hand linger at the nape of her neck.  He didn’t realize that Jim was watching. 

“Looks like your room will be occupied tonight.  You’re welcome to stay at my place.”

Jim just nodded, “Thanks, Chris.”  He watched Bones guide Christine out and tried very hard not to imagine what they would be doing next.

“I don’t know what’s going on with you two kid, but I’m headed to Riverside in the morning and you’re free to use my place while I’m away.”  Jim just nodded lost in thought.

Before leaving Pike stopped to impart one last bit of wisdom, “Talk to him.”

“Yeah.”

 

oOo

Len pushed Christine back, putting a couple of inches of space between them so that he could catch his breath and really look at her.

“Look Chris, I like you – a lot, but I gotta be honest, I’m not lookin’ for a relationship right now.”

“Good, cuz if you were, I’d have to leave.”  She leaned back in and ran her tongue playfully across his bottom lip and smiled coyly, “No strings, McCoy.”

He froze at her choice of words.  Her hands had moved to his belt and found himself stopping her.

He took a deep breath.

“I’m sorry Chris, I just don’t know if I’m ready for this.  I thought I was, but…,” he shook his head in exasperation, rubbed one hand along his jaw and around to the base of his skull where he tried to knead the tension from his neck.  He was tense, he couldn’t relax.  He felt like Jim might walk in at any minute and he was extremely aware of the positions of their bodies and the state of their clothes and how it might look to him. 

He couldn’t do this.  Not now, not here.

God he felt like such an idiot.  Here he was with a beautiful woman promising him an exciting night and he couldn’t get past his damn roommate.  So much for deciding to move on. 

Christine seemed to take pity on him, “Hey, I get it.  It’s ok, I think I’ll just head home then.  Maybe another time."

Fuck.  Maybe he could still salvage this evening.  He didn’t want it ending on a sour note.  He really did like her.

“How ‘bout I walk you home?” 

“You don’t have to.  It’s not far.”

“My mama would have my hide, she raised me better than that.  She taught me that a gentleman always sees a lady home.   It may be old fashioned, but it’s just plain good manners.”

“Well, then.  Thank you kindly, sir,” Christine giggled as Len helped her on with her coat. 

 

At her door Len gave Christine a gentle kiss goodnight.  He felt he owed her some type of explanation, even if he couldn’t get into specifics.

“I really am sorry, Chris.  It has nothin’ to do with you, I think you are incredible.”

Christine contemplated him seriously for several moments before she wrapped her hand in the front of his coat and pulled him backwards into her room.  “Why don’t you come in for a while and we’ll continue our _conversation_.” 

Len groaned, “Chris, what about your roommate?” 

“Carol’s not here tonight.” 

He caught her implication as he stumbled in after her, his interest renewed.  “Well, maybe for a few minutes.”   

“Just a few minutes?  Now, that _would_ be disappointing.”

“Oh, I promise, you will definitely not be disappointed.”  Christine noticed the shift in Len’s demeanor.  There was no mistaking his intent.

Chris flushed, “God, I hope you can back up that promise.”

“Oh, D-,” he caught himself and quickly moved to safer waters, “Honey, you have no idea.” 

 _No.  No Darlin’, no Sugar._   Those were reserved for Jim.  He’d seen how those words affected him and he had no intention of using them for anyone else. 

Christine could feel his hesitation, all bantering aside, there was something weighing on Len’s mind.  Something or someone.  “When was the last time you did this?” 

Clearly not as long as she thought and Len wasn’t sure how to answer. 

“How long since Jocelyn?”  

Oh.  “Almost three years,” he answered honestly.

“Really.  And in all that time you never …?”

Len moved quickly to keep her from finishing that thought.  He leaned in and kissed her then pulled back just enough to whisper, “A gentleman doesn’t kiss and tell.”

Christine blushed, “Well, then I guess my secrets will be safe.”

“That they will.”

“Well I like a challenge, and I think I can promise to make you forget that ex-wife of yours.”

Len felt guilty that he had let Christine think he was fretting about Jocelyn.  He owed her all of his attention, so he put that smiling, blue-eyed bastard out of his mind and set himself to making sure Christine thoroughly enjoyed herself.

Christine had other ideas.  She had taken it into her head that she needed to be the one to make sure Len enjoyed himself and she made him lay back on her bed as she set about making him forget his own name. 

If he closed his eyes he could imagine… his eyes snapped open.  Definitely needed to keep them open.  He dug his fingers into her long blonde hair as she swallowed his cock.  Hell, she could give Jim a run for his money, but as a man, Jim had a different understanding of the sensations involved.  He knew just how to make him lose it with just the lightest brush of his tongue or teeth, swallowing around the head of his cock, working his throat muscles.  Christine took him almost as deep, there was less finesse to her technique, but what she lacked in technique, she made up for in enthusiasm.  Len just couldn’t seem to put Jim out of his mind so he pulled Chris off of his cock.  The surest way to forget about Jim was to focus on what made Christine different.  Len pushed her back on the bed and placed himself between her thighs.

He sank into her wet heat.  He closed his eyes and savored the sensation.  This.  This was different.  Not better, just different and he _had_ missed it.  He turned his focus to pleasuring Christine.

 

She lay panting, trying to catch her breath.  "Damn, McCoy.  Wow.  Roger would never have….," Len knew from their long talks that Roger Korby, Christine’s ex-fiancé, had been a narcissistic asshole and a selfish lover.

“Yeah, well Korby was a fool.”

Christine looked at him gratefully. 

How could she have such low self-esteem?  He would love to kick Korby’s ass.  Someone as wonderful as Christine deserved so much better.  That thought gave him a guilty twinge. 

What the fuck was he doing here?  He didn’t want to play with her emotions.  He liked Chris.  A lot.  He enjoyed being with her, it was easy and fun and there was less emotional baggage involved, but Chris did deserve better.  He knew he couldn’t commit to her and he couldn’t take advantage of her like this.  She deserved the truth.  

 

Christine laughed. 

She fucking laughed.  But Len was having a hard time scraping up any hurt because she continued on, “If anything, I’m the one taking advantage of you.  I don’t want anything serious.  I did serious for five years.  I’m done with serious for now.

“Do you think you can handle that McCoy?  If not, there’s the door. 

“Close your mouth, you’ll catch flies.”

Len closed his mouth and tried to engage his brain.  His cock was definitely on board, but his brain was having a hard time catching up with the twist the conversation had taken.  He had started out trying to explain why this was a bad idea, but had found himself being told he was only wanted for his sexual services.  _Could_ he handle that?  He should be able to handle that.  Any man would kill for what was being offered to him. 

“You’re sweet Len, but I’m not ready for another relationship either.  Right now I’m really only looking for a little fun and I think that’s exactly what you need too.  It’s been long enough.  It’s time to stop pining for your ex-wife.  It’s ok to want this.

“Sex is a natural function, Doctor.  You have to stop getting it all tangled up with emotions.  Sometimes you need to just enjoy the physical.” 

And that is how he found himself in a hypocritical relationship with his nurse.  This was exactly what Jim did and exactly what he had told Jim he didn’t do. 

 

Being with Chris was light and fun.  The sex was good, sure it wasn’t like what he’d had with Jim, but right now he needed someone who wasn’t Jim.  Jim was exhausting to be with, emotionally trying.  It turned out that Christine was just what the Doctor had ordered. 

Len started spending more time with Christine.  With them working together and dating, Chris was spending more time with him than Jim ever had.

 

oOo

It felt like there was no room left for Jim.  Bones didn’t really need him anymore – Chris brought him his lunch, made his coffee, all the little things Jim had taken it on himself to do when Bones had late shifts.  He no longer felt comfortable dropping into the clinic at odd hours to visit since he usually found Bones with Christine.  When he was off duty, Chris occupied what was left of his free time. 

It left Jim looking for something to fill the empty space Bones had created by giving him a taste of something he hadn’t known he was missing.  Damn him!  Jim could have lived happily oblivious of what he’d been missing.    

In the past when he’d felt this emptiness and couldn’t put a name to it he’d tried to fill it with fighting and drinking and random fucking, but now it had a name, Bones.  And now that he knew what it was he was missing and what was possible, it left him feeling adrift and somewhat disconnected.  

He didn’t know any way to make those feelings go away so he found a substitute.

One late night he got to wondering if he settled down with one woman, someone he could have a relationship with, build some intimacy with, if he could find that feeling he’d had with Bones again.  Maybe there was more to monogamy than met the eye. 

So he found himself dialing Marlena’s comm.

Marlena was everything he thought he had been looking for before he met Bones.  Hell, up to the point he’d married Bones, she was the type of woman he’d pictured himself with, building a life with, having a family with, not a cranky, divorced man six years his senior with a five year old child.  How the hell had Bones managed to turn Jim’s world completely on end? 

 

oOo

Len caught Jim one day as he was leaving the dorm with some of his things.  It had been more than a week since he'd seen him.

“Where have you been staying?”

“With a friend.”

“Where did you meet her?”  Len knew he was making an assumption, but was hoping he was right.  Somehow the idea of Jim with another man was more distressing than the thought of him with a woman.

“At a bar.  Where else?”

“And you’re already living with her?” 

Jim shrugged, “I guess, kinda.  I was staying at Pike’s for a while, but he’s back now.  She has a single, so it just made sense.  That way we’re not bothering you and Chapel.”

Len bristled at that.  He hadn’t been bringing Chris back to their dorm room and he wasn’t sure how he felt about Jim clearing the way for him to move his girlfriend in.  He wasn’t looking to displace Jim, or God forbid, replace him. 

“This is your room too Jim, you don’t need to leave.  We’re both adults here.  I don’t want you to feel like you’re not welcome in your own space.  I’m sure we can come to some amicable arrangement.”

Jim ducked his head and seemed to search for words, “Yeah, no.  It’s not that, I just think I want to see where this is going, you know?”  He looked up at Len and gave him that false smile he usually saved for bullshitting his professors.  “Like you said, I’m an adult, maybe it’s time for me to grow up and have a mature relationship.”

Len couldn’t say anything to that.  After all, he was the one who had, on more than one occasion, told Jim to grow the fuck up.  Figured he would go and do that without him.

He had mixed feelings as he watched Jim pack his things and leave the room.  He wanted him to stay, but he knew he didn’t have the right to ask him to.  Not when he was seeing someone else as well. 

 

oOo

**Stardate 2257.358 (Tuesday, December 24, 2257)**

As Christmas had approached, Len had tried to get in contact with Jim.  He wasn’t returning his calls or his texts and he couldn’t help the feeling that Jim was angry with him.  The only reason he could think of was Christine and that just fucking pissed him off.  How dare he be a fucking hypocrite?  If he couldn’t handle the fact that Len had someone else in his life, well fuck him.

So, Len headed home for Christmas alone.  As he boarded the shuttle home he shut off his comm and slid it into his bag. 

 

Jim knew Bones was headed home for Christmas.  He had gotten the text. 

Jim sat staring at his comm.  He had four missed calls and six messages.  He glanced at the chrono, December 24, 1624hrs.  Bones would be on a shuttle somewhere over the western states.  He put the comm aside and went back to making changes on the code scrolling across his screen.  That morning he had decided to do something special for Joanna and he only had a few more hours to get it finished. 

Hopefully he could get a hold of Bones at Eleanora’s later.

 

Jim tapped nervously on the console as he waited for the call to connect.  _Come on.  Come on, pick up._   He straightened as Bones’ face appeared on the screen in front of him. 

“Jim?” 

“Hey, Bones.” 

“What’s up?  It’s late here.  You ok?”

Damn, he had forgotten the time difference.

“Yeah.  Sorry.  I just, um, I just wanted to say hi to Joanna.”

Bones frowned, “It’s late Jim.  She’s already in bed.” 

Jim’s face fell.  He wasn’t able to hide his disappointment.

Bones relented, “Hold on.  Maybe she’s still awake.  Let me check.”

Jim nodded and watched as Bones left the room.  He could hear him talking to Jo in the next room.  He couldn’t make out the words, but there was no mistaking the squeal of delight or the small blur of energy that ran into the room and threw itself at the comm console.

“Daddy Jim!!  Daddy Jim!!  I knew you would call.  Daddy said you couldn’t ‘cause you were on a space mission.” 

Jim looked at Bones standing in the background, his arms crossed over his chest.  He must have made up a story for Jo.  Jim felt like shit for making him to lie to his little girl about why he hadn’t shown up for Christmas as planned.  He’d go along with whatever Bones had told her, he owed him that much.

“Yeah, I’m sorry Jo-bug that I’m not able to be there for Christmas this year.  But I wanted to say hi.”

“Where are you Daddy Jim?” Jim looked around the empty shuttle.  “Are you in space?”

“That’s right Jo.  And I wanted to show you something.”  Jim powered up the shuttle sim and started the program he had written just for the little girl.  “I’m out here by the moon tracking the path of a comet that’s passing close to Earth’s atmosphere, when I noticed...,” Jim brought the display up behind him which showed a star scape with the Earth visible in the center, “… something strange.”  He narrowed in on a disturbance in space which looked like the debris trail from the tail of a comet.  Joanna leaned close to the comm screen and Jim noticed Bones had moved a little closer as well.  “I thought it was a comet tail, but when I looked closer it looked suspiciously like a sleigh and there was someone in it.”  

Jim increased the zoom and resolution until Jo could just make out…

“Santa!  Daddy, it’s Santa!”  Jo bounced in excitement until Bones scooped her up and sat with her in his lap.  Len was studying the screen which did indeed show a tiny sleigh, pulled by what looked like flying reindeer and driven by a chubby humanoid in a red suit.

“That’s right!  I’ve plotted his trajectory and he should be directly over the Federated States and, unless I miss my guess, he should be in Georgia soon.  So, Missy, you better be getting back to bed.”

Joanna looked up at Jim with pleading eyes, “Will you be here tomorrow to watch me open my presents?”

“No, I’m sorry honey.  I can’t be there this time, but maybe Daddy will let you call me tomorrow and show me what you got.  How ‘bout that?”  Jim looked to Bones as Joanna turned in his lap and threw her arms around his neck.  “Can I Daddy?”

“Course you can, Sugar.  Now say good night to Daddy Jim.  It’s time for all good girls to be in bed if they want Santa to come.”

“Good night, Daddy Jim!  Thank you.  I miss you.”  Joanna leaned in and kissed the screen.  Jim ran his fingers along the glass of his screen. 

“Night, Jojo.  And Merry Christmas, Sweetie.”

“Merry Christmas, Daddy Jim!”  And with that the small girl launched herself off Bones’ lap and scurried off towards her room.

“I’ll be in in a second to tuck you in, Jo.”

Jim shut the sim down while Bones just sat and watched.  “Thank you, Jim.  You really made her day.”

“Yeah, well, I owed her.  And you.  I’m sorry you had to lie to her.”

“It was easier than trying to explain everything.  She’s too young to understand anyway.  Not that I really understand either.”  He watched for a couple of more minutes, “You should be here, Jim.   Everyone is asking after you.  I told them you had an assignment over Christmas break, but I’m not sure they believed me.”

“Look, I’m sorry Bones.  I’ll…I’ll call tomorrow and talk to everybody.  I don’t know that the shuttle sim would fool ‘m but I’m willing to run it.”

“Nah, just call and let everyone know that we’re still speaking.  Mama’s got it in her head that I’ve done something horrible and you aren’t speaking to me.”

Jim threw his head back and laughed.  “Yeah, well, I’ll be happy to let her know it was all me.”

“Don’t do that.”

Jim sobered at Bones’ serious tone, “Do what?”

“Take all the blame.  You know there’s enough blame to go around.  ‘Sides, they don’t need all the gory details.  I just want to shut Mama up.  I’m gettin’ damn tired of her givin’ me the evil eye.”

“Yeah.  I can do that.  Merry Christmas, Bones,” he added quietly.

“Merry Christmas, Jim.”  He looked Jim over concerned, “You aren’t spendin’ the week alone, are you? You’re always welcome here, Jim.  No matter what.”

“Thanks, Bones.  But don’t worry, I’m good.”

“Ok,” he didn’t look convinced, but he was going to have to take Jim at his word.  “Good night, Jim.”

“Night, Bones.”  The comm went dark.  Yeah, he was just fine.  Sure he was.

Jim sat for a few more minutes staring at the blank screen, a hollow ache in his chest, until his comm chimed.  He looked down to see a new message from Bones.

< I mean it Jim.  You’re always welcome here.  You’re family. >

Jim flipped the comm closed and popped the sim chip from the system drive and headed home.

Home.  Well, Pike’s home.  Not his.  Marlena had gone home to her family for the holidays and Jim could go back to the dorm since Bones was in Georgia, but instead he headed to the closest bar, intending to get good and shit faced before going back to Pike’s empty apartment to his empty bed. 

 

Jim kept his promise and commed Eleanora bright and early Christmas morning.  He knew Joanna would have had them up at the crack of dawn to open presents and she would want to tell him all about it. 

Jim chose to use a terminal in one of the empty labs in the Engineering building.  This time he hoped it would look to Joanna like Jim was calling from a science lab on a ship.  He powered up the computers and equipment and set out a few objects on the counter behind him.  He hated continuing the charade, but he owed it to Bones. 

 

“That boy is still at the Academy isn’t he?”  Of course it didn’t fool Eleanora.

Len knew better than to continue the lie now that he had been caught out, “Yes, ma’am.”

“I wasn’t born yesterday, young man.  I could see the reflection of the campus tower in the screen behind Jim.  Do you want to tell me what’s going on?”

Len just shrugged helplessly, “I would if I understood it myself, Ma.  Jim didn’t want to come and, the way things have been lately, I kinda just wanted to get away for a while.”

Eleanor set a strong cup of coffee in front of Len and settled next to him.  “Why don’t you tell me all about it and then I’ll go kick his ass if necessary.  Or yours, I’m not playing favorites.”

Len laughed in what felt like the first time in weeks.

He did tell Eleanora all about it.  Leaving out personal details to respect Jim’s and his privacy, but he was sure his mother was reading between the lines.  Once he was done, he sat staring into his now cold coffee.

“Well.  You’ve gone and got yourself into quite a pickle haven’t you?”

“Yes, ma’am.” 

“You know that boy loves you, right?”

“I guess.  But, I’m just afraid that’s not going to be enough.  Again.”

“Oh, I could kick Jocelyn seven was to Sunday for how she screwed you up, but you’re a grown man, Leo.  You are going to have to figure your way outta this one now that you’ve gone and brought someone else smack dab into the middle of it.  But I want you to know that I think Jim will come around eventually.  You just need to have patience with him.”

“I’m sure you’re right, Mama, but I just don’t know how long I can wait.”

“You’ll wait as long as you can stand and then you’ll do something. That’s always been the way you work.  I don’t know what that will be, but I pity that poor boy if he doesn’t get his head out of his ass soon enough to suit you.”

Len laughed again, a little quieter this time.

“Just don’t give up on him, Leo.  Not yet.”

“No ma’am.” 

“That’s my boy,” she patted his hand reassuringly.  “Now.  Let’s see what that holy terror of a daughter of yours has gotten herself into!”

 

That night, as Len lay in bed his comm chirped.

<Merry Christmas, Len.  Can’t wait until you get back.  Night shift just isn’t the same without you.>

<You miss my sparkling personality, don’t you?>

<It’s never boring when you’re around.>

<Well, I’ll be back before New Year’s.  Wouldn’t want to miss the annual New Year’s Eve medical bash.>

<I can hear the sarcasm, but seriously, I don’t want to go without you.  People keep asking me about us.  They don’t believe that you can actually be fun.>

<Dammit, Chris, you are going to single handedly ruin the reputation I have so diligently built up.>

<Well, I’m sure you can mercilessly restore it afterwards.>

<And I will, God help them.  See you soon.  Miss you.>

<Miss you too.  Merry Christmas.>

<Merry Christmas.>

As an afterthought he typed a quick message.

<Merry Christmas, Jim.>

His comm chirped again before he could set it back on the nightstand.

<Merry Christmas, Bones.  Give Jo a hug for me.>

Jim didn’t say much, but he knew the way directly to Len’s heart.

<Always do.>

 

oOo

**Stardate 2258.3 (Thursday, January 3, 2258)**

Len looked down at his comm to confirm that he had the right room number, then looked around the empty hallway.  Jim was living in an underclassman dorm?  What the hell?  Maybe Uhura had gotten the wrong hall?  He shook his head, if anyone knew where Jim was hiding out, other than him, it was Gaila and she had given Nyota the room number.

Len tucked the comm into his pocket and knocked on the door.  The nameplate said Marlena Moreau.  He wracked his brain, but didn’t remember meeting a cadet by that name.  The woman who opened the door on the second knock was drop dead gorgeous.  Yeah, this was the right room.  She had long shining black hair and the most beautiful green eyes Len had seen in a long time. Part of his mind couldn’t help picturing her with Jim, they would be a beautiful couple.  Better than some old man like him. 

“Yes?”

He shook away the stray thought and cleared his throat.  “Hi, I’m Leonard McCoy, I’m looking for Jim Kirk and I was told he might be here.”

Marlena looked him over curiously at the mention of his name.  “Leonard.  Bones,” she said significantly and damn if it didn’t raise Len’s hackles to hear that name come from her, or anyone other than Jim for that matter.

“Leonard,” he said emphatically, “and yeah.  I’m a friend of Jim’s and I really need to speak to him.  Would you know where I could find him?”

Her face darkened.  “Well, I kind of figured he’d be with you.”

“Why’s that now?”

“He got mad and stormed out of here earlier, said he had a standing appointment with a friend.  The way he said it, I guess it seemed like something he’d had scheduled for a while and couldn’t get out of.  At least that was his excuse.”

“Excuse me?”  She seemed willing to ramble, who was Len to stop her.  This was the most information he’d had on Jim in weeks.

“You know it’s his birthday, right?”

“Yeah.”  The whole fucking Federation knew it was Jim’s birthday.  That was why he was here talking to one of the last people he wanted to deal with.

“Well, I thought we could do something to celebrate.”  Len cringed.  She really didn’t know Jim that well, did she?  

“We were supposed to go out with friends tonight and he just left.”  Her green eyes flashed with anger and indignation, but Len had a hard time mustering up the proper amount of sympathy for her cancelled plans.  Jim would never have agreed to what sounded like a party, not today.  This girl must be completely oblivious, had she even considered the fact that this was a national day of mourning and more than that, a very personal day of mourning for her boyfriend? 

Len had no patience left and his response was unintentionally sharp.  “Sorry to hear that.  Look, just tell Jim I stopped by.”

Marlena seemed unimpressed, “Yeah, sure,” and closed the door.

Jim had said he had a standing appointment with a friend.  Jim didn’t make plans with friends on his birthday.  Len turned decisively toward the exit and headed across campus.

Len entered the secluded corner of the library.  He doubted most students even knew it was here.  But Jim was a frequent visitor to the Starfleet Academy Special Collections.  Len paused before pushing the door open, not at all surprised to find it unlocked.

His eyes adjusted to the dim lighting and he could just make out Jim’s silhouette in the far corner slumped at the base of the glass cases containing the last remaining bits of the Kelvin and his father.  George Kirk didn’t have a grave.  No headstone to visit.  Sure there were statues and memorials scattered about, but Jim shunned those as public and tacky, made for the masses to mourn.  He preferred these small thoughtful exhibits, to him they were more personal. 

“Old lady Beeman let you in again?”

“Yeah.”  Jim looked up just realizing for the first time that Bones was standing there.  “Hey, how’d you get in?”

“Frederickson, the night guard.  Let’s just say he had a little situation last month and now he owes me one.”

“The perks of being a doctor.”

“If you call that a perk, I’m hangin’ up my stethoscope.”

Jim laughed, “Like you even know how to use a stethoscope.”

Len settled next to him.  “I’ll have you know that I actually own one.  It was my Great-Grandaddy’s, and yes, I know how to use it.  I may rely on tech, but my Daddy insisted I learn the old ways too.”

Len moved quickly to quash the glint of piqued interest in Jim’s eye, “For medical purposes only.”  Jim blushed and looked away.  He stood and Len followed as he started to run his finger along the glass case. 

Len had seen the artifacts before, Jim had brought him here their first year, but he knew that if Jim needed to talk, he would listen, even if he had heard it all before. 

The largest item in the case was a heat shield tile, one from the front of the saucer section, which still carried the dark scoring from phaser fire.  It was one of the only bits recovered of the Kelvin’s hull, the rest having been scattered to the galactic winds.  Jim was particularly drawn to that piece, imagining that it was a fraction of the hull that shielded the bridge. 

There was a letter of commendation from Starfleet sent to Jim’s mother, Winona, praising George’s sacrifice and offering condolences.

There was a copy of George Kirk’s official ‘fleet portrait of him in his dress grey uniform with a serious look on his face.  He did look a lot like Jim.  If Jim were dressed in the same uniform it might be hard to tell the two apart. 

Beside the holo, in a red velvet case, was the United Federation of Planets highest award, the Medal of Honor, which had been awarded posthumously. 

The most poignant item in the case though, was the last.  It was a standard issue emergency blanket made of thin heat-reflective plastic sheeting.  Its significance was ambiguous unless you studied the holo beside it showing Winona Kirk being carried from a Kelvin medical shuttle with a tiny baby wrapped in that same blanket.  All that was visible of Jim was one tiny hand gripping its edge.  The first time Len had seen the display it had finally put it all into perspective for him, what the Kelvin’s destruction meant to Jim personally.  It left him speechless and all he could do was grab the man and hold him close.

Len felt his throat tighten at the memory and was very aware of Jim at his side, tracing lazily at the glass above the medal like he longed to touch.

Len remained silent. 

+

What was best about having Bones here, other than the fact that he hadn’t had to ask him to come, hadn’t even had to tell him where he would be, was that he seemed to know instinctively what Jim needed.  He didn’t bother with questions or small talk.  He didn’t try to get Jim to “open up”.  He just stayed close and offered his physical and emotional support, and that was all that Jim could handle today. 

Bones seemed to read his mind and he slung one arm around Jim and pulled him to his side.  Jim rested his head on Bones’ shoulder as they continued to stare at the few small pieces that were left to represent his father’s life.  He knew that Bones would argue that Jim himself and his brother were the real proof that George Kirk had lived.  But it was too daunting a responsibility to have to be the one that carried on his legacy.  If Sam hadn’t even been able to handle carrying his name, insisting on being called by his middle name, Samuel, instead, how was Jim going to live up to being designated as the heir apparent to George’s legacy of bravery and sacrifice?  It was a hell of a responsibility to hang on that tiny baby wrapped in that emergency blanket and it had only gotten harder as he’d gotten older.  Most of his life Jim had been running from exactly that.  And here he was, getting ready to graduate from Starfleet Academy and follow in his father’s footsteps, after all those years of pretending he didn’t want to.  He gave the glass above the medal one last solemn pat and turned into Bones’ arms and held on as tightly as he could.  He couldn’t stop the tears from falling and he didn’t try.  This one day of the year he was allowed. 

 

Later, sitting in a quiet corner of the library over the pizza and beers Len had picked up and brought back, he started fishing a little.

“So, Marlena.  Isn’t she a little young for you?”

Jim shook his head and licked some sauce from his bottom lip.  Len averted his eyes and focused on his slice instead of Jim’s mouth.

“I’m only four years older than her.”

“That’s not what I meant.  It’s not the years, it’s the life experience.”  Len tossed his pizza back into the box, his appetite waning.

“If you go by that I’m too old for you old man.”

Len considered that statement.  It said a lot in only a few teasing words.  “Don’t I know it,” he muttered.

They kept the rest of the conversation light until they parted for the night with the promise of getting together again soon. 

No matter what was happening in their personal lives, Len would always be there when he needed him.

 

oOo

Jim and Marlena usually hung out with her friends in bars he knew Bones didn’t frequent, but tonight his luck had run out.  Len and Chris and a group of medical cadets were camped out near the front of the bar. 

Jim was aware that Marlena was watching his reaction to the doctor and his friends, so he turned on the old Kirk charm and ruthlessly shoved his gut reactions down into a small locked box as he introduced her around.

“Bones, this is Marlena.”  Jim had never actually introduced them, so he went through the formality.  It was the first time they had all been in one place together.

“We’ve had the pleasure.  Hello again, Marlena.”

“Hello Leonard.” 

Bones turned to introduce Marlena to Christine and Jim found himself distracted by a hearty slap to the back.

“Hey!  Jim!  Long time no see.  Where the hell you been hiding yourself?”  That came from Ammerman, one of the night orderlies that Jim had seen on his frequent visits to medical.

 “Hey, Jack!  Man, it’s been awhile.”  Jim and Ammerman shook hands.

“Classes keeping you too busy to get your pretty face beat in, or would that be the beautiful girl on your arm?  Lord knows McCoy couldn’t keep you on the straight and narrow.”

Jim laughed, “Not like he didn’t try.  Marlena here is just much more … persuasive.”  Jim hated himself as he threw out the innuendo.  It was expected, it’s what he did.  “And she’s a hell of a lot better looking.”  Ammerman laughed as expected and Jim chanced a quick glance at Bones.  He was talking to Marlena and he wasn’t sure if he had heard or not.  Hopefully not. 

While Jim’s attention was diverted, Marlena asked, “So why exactly 'Bones'?  Jim has never explained it.”

“What can I say?  Kid likes dumbass nicknames.”

“Well, that’s our Jim.”  She said with a proprietary smile.

“Yeah.  That’s our Jim.”  Len repeated slowly before draining his glass.

 

The rest of the night passed like nightmares usually do, confused and vaguely unsettling.

Marlena, whether she sensed some distance on his part or just the general tension in the atmosphere, insisted on marking her territory.  While she was always obvious with Jim in public, tonight she staked her claim by touching and kissing more than usual and staying firmly at his side.  Jim was starting to chafe under her attentions which were becoming too cloying.  He found himself almost pushing her away at one point when she made a show if it in front of Bones, but relented and turned his attention to her when he caught sight of Chapel. 

Jim did manage to break away to speak to Bones briefly.

“Sorry, Jim, I didn’t know you’d be here tonight.” 

“Don’t be stupid.  You don’t need to avoid me.”

Bones frowned, “Wasn’t sure, you’ve made yourself pretty scarce these days,”

“Yeah, well I’ve been really busy.  I’m sure you have too.”

“I have, but I could make time.”

“Yeah?  Well, maybe we’ll have to do something, I’ll give you a call.”

“Sure.”  Bones watched Jim move away. 

Why did he get the distinct feeling that they were both making empty promises?

 

At some point during the evening, one of Marlena’s friends had picked up Jim’s comm and taken a holo of them.  It wasn’t until the next day when Jim was looking through his messages that he really looked at it.  In the background the holocam had captured a candid moment between Bones and Christine and Jim found himself overanalyzing every pixel.  From the small smile on Bones’ lips to the way Chris was leaning into his side, her head tilted towards the hand that Bones was using to brush the hair back behind her ear.

 

With no idea how to fix what he’d broken he chose instead to plow all of his restless energy back into his studies and focused on beating the Kobayashi Maru.

 

oOo

It was a couple of weeks later that Len ran into Jim in the campus coffee shop.  They got their coffees and found a table near the front window. 

It was first time they had spent any real time alone together other than Jim’s birthday, since they had both started seeing someone and it was awkward.  Len really wanted to get back to the easy friendship they had shared, but some topics were now taboo.  Mainly anything related to relationships, sex, marriage, futures, assignments, so, yeah, just about everything.  Which, after they exhausted the usual academy and class subjects, left them with precious little to talk about. 

God, Len hated small talk.  But he hated it even more with Jim.  It was painfully awkward.  Each long protracted silence an indication of just how far off the rails their friendship had gone. 

+

Bones was getting twitchy and making those small overtures that meant he was intending to take his leave soon.  Jim didn’t know what to do anymore, but this situation was completely unacceptable.  He was supposed to be some kind of diplomacy wunderkind and if he couldn’t even fix one strained friendship, how the fuck was he ever going to command an entire starship filled with human and alien relationships?

“I’m sorry.”  It seemed to be the safest thing to say.  The best way to open a dialogue.

“Sorry for what?”

“Everything.  I’m sorry for everything.”

+

“I want to say there ain’t nothin’ to be sorry for, but we both know that’s not true.  We both also know there’s enough blame to go ‘round.”  Len sighed, “It’s not all your fault.  I’m just as responsible as you.”

“So how do we fix it?  How do we fix this?”  Jim waved a hand around encompassing everything between the two of them.

Len remained silent.

“Or, maybe, you don’t want to fix it.”

“Come on, you know that’s not true.  Stop tryin’ to make things worse than they already are.”

“Is that even possible?”

“Yeah, believe me, it’s possible.”

“I don’t think so.”  Jim said in a very small, quiet voice.  And fuck if he didn’t sound like a small child.  It wrenched Len’s heart to hear him sounding like that. 

“I’m still here, Jim.”  Jim didn’t look up and Len knew he shouldn’t touch him, so he ducked his head to get Jim to meet his eyes.

“I ain’t goin’ anywhere.”

Jim just shrugged and continued picking at a loose thread on his sleeve.  “So, is it serious with you and Chapel?”

Len avoided answering by turning the question back on Jim, “Is it serious with you and Marlena?" 

Len regretted the passive aggressive response as soon as it left his mouth.  He paused trying to figure out how best to answer Jim’s loaded question when he wasn’t sure of the answer himself.  So, he decided to be honest.  “It’s just a bit of fun, Jim,” but his words sounded hollow. 

Len clasped his hands to keep from reaching out toward Jim.  God, he wanted to touch him, wrap him in his arms and tell him everything was going to be ok, but he couldn’t really make that promise could he?   And he couldn’t lie to Jim. 

When Jim didn’t respond he continued.  “Did you think I’d just be waitin’ around for you to pay attention to me?”  And here he couldn’t help the anger that leeched into his words, “Hell, you couldn’t get out of our bed quick enough to find someone else.  How do you think that made me feel?”

Jim flinched a little at Len’s sharp tone and it forced him to take a deep breath and get his temper back under control before he continued.  He was aware that they were in public and besides, he didn’t want to do any more damage than had already been done, that would defeat the purpose of trying to mend their friendship.

 So he asked again, more calmly this time, “Did you really think I would just be waitin’, pining for you?”

+

Jim was feeling guilty that that was exactly what he’d thought, or had hoped and he couldn’t get past something Bones had said in the past. 

“I thought you didn’t do casual.”

“I can, just not with you.  With you, there’s no such thing as casual.”

Jim fiddled with his comm and turned it so Bones could see the screen.  Jim showed him a holo of him and Marlena, in the background the holocam had also caught Len and Christine in an unguarded moment.  He was pushing the hair back behind her ear and he had a smile on his face, she had his full attention.  He understood what Jim was saying.

“That was one moment in time, Jim.  You can’t judge by that.”  He slowly reached over broadcasting his intent and deleted the photo. 

Jim insisted on asking again, “Are you serious about her?”

“Right now I’m just enjoying being with Chris.  She’s good people.   I care about her.”

Jim noted that he didn’t use the “L” word, not even close.

Len shifted awkwardly, “Look, Jim –.”

Jim rushed to cut off whatever Bones had planned to say next, “Yeah, I get it.  I’m happy for you, really.”  And he really tried to be.  He went to stand, but Len grabbed his sleeve and held him in place and fixed his eyes on Jim’s. 

“I’m still here.” 

That was really all Jim could ask for at this point, but it wasn’t the way Jim wanted him to be, the way he needed him to be. 

Len sighed, “Can’t put the cat back in the bag, Jim.  So, we gotta figure out a way to go forward.”

 

So, they ended up getting together again a few days later and watching a game over beer and pizza.  They managed to keep the conversation light.  And at the end of the night Len had to admit, “I’ve missed this.  I’ve missed you, Jim.”

“Yeah, me too, old man.”

 

It took several more superficial get-togethers over the course of several weeks, but they did finally managed to get to the point where they could joke around together again. 

It was a small triumph when they reinstated their weekly night out for Chinese food.

Jim had been running late and Len was already seated at their usual table.  Well, their old usual table, from back when things were good.  Maybe their new usual table now that they were getting back on track.

Jim gave Bones’ shoulder a quick squeeze as he sat down, “Thanks for meeting me.  I’ve really missed this place.”

“Yeah, I’ve been lookin’ forward to it.  I don’t think I’ve had Dim Sum since we were here last time.  We should’ve done this sooner.  Haven’t seen much of you this week.”

“Been busy cramming four years into three and all.  How ‘bout you?  You been working yourself to death at the clinic?”

“They do seem to be taking advantage of me lately.  I think they just want their money’s worth before I graduate.  I swear my surgical rotation has doubled.”  Jim saw the hint of a bashful smile, “Can’t complain too much though, it’s why I became a doctor in the first place.  The classes are a grind, but I’m enjoyin’ bein’ the head surgical resident.  That and the research make it bearable.”

“How’s the research going?”  Jim thought back to the projects he had kept going while Bones had been away on a mission. 

So, they spent the next hour talking about Bones’ findings and the paper he was preparing for publication.  Jim loved watching Bones talk about something he was so passionate about.  His face lit up and the dimples on either side of his smile showed.  God, he’d missed him.

Len became aware of Jim’s staring and stumbled to a self-conscious halt.  He cleared his throat embarrassed.  “Sorry, Jim.  There I go runnin’ off at the mouth again.”

“Nah.  I asked.  I like hearing about what you’ve been up to.” 

“Yeah, me too.  I miss hearin’ you go on at length about whatever engineering or tactical problem is spinnin’ around that brain of yours even if I can’t understand a word of it.” 

Jim knew that was just false modesty.  Bones was brilliant in his own right and had never failed to provide Jim with a unique perspective on a problem he was dissecting.  He really did miss their intellectual interaction.  He had some of that with Marlena.  She was smart, but she wasn’t in Bones’ league.  Few people were in Jim’s and Bones’ league and it had just made his loss all the more poignant. 

As they settled the bill, Jim finally got up his nerve to ask the question he had invited Bones out to ask, “So, hey, uh, would you crew for me when I take the Maru again?”

Len looked at him in surprise, “I barely passed flight qualifications, you don’t want me there, you want someone who’s good at the job.”

“I need you for tactical and monitoring the environmental controls.  Besides, it’s not a test of the crew’s skills, just mine.  All you need to do is follow my orders and the computer prompts.  It’s simple.” 

“I don’t know,” Bones sounded doubtful.

“Come on.  Please say yes.  It will help to have a friendly face there this time.  You don’t have any idea how brutal Uhura can be.”

“Why did you ask her to crew then?”

“Because I want her front and center when I beat this thing.”

“Jim, I know you know no one has ever beaten the Kobayashi Maru.  Why don’t you just let it go and move on?  No one’s ever been failed for not passin’ the Maru.  It’s expected.”

“I don’t like fulfilling expectations, I like to be unpredictable.”

Len tossed a fortune cookie at him, “Ain’t that the truth.”

“So, will you?”

Len threw his hands up in the air, “Yeah, fine.  If that’s what you want.”

“Great!” 

Jim slapped him on the back and Len pretended to be put out while secretly savoring the small spark of joy at Jim wanting him there, because in the end, beside Jim was where he wanted to be, one way or the other. 

Overall, it had been a good night and Len felt more optimistic about his relationship with Jim than he had in quite some time.  Maybe now, without the pressure of a sexual relationship, they’d finally be able to get back to the friendship they’d had before.  He sure as hell hoped so.

 


	4. Chapter Three

As the date for his second attempt at the Kobayashi Maru grew closer, Jim did extensive research to prepare.  He poured over ship’s schematics, battlefield tactical maneuvers, and brushed up on battlefield psychology.  He researched weapons technologies and capabilities.  He even looked into alternate uses of standard ship’s equipment and systems.

He researched well known battles and their strategies and outcomes throughout history from Marcus Cassius Scaeva of Earth’s ancient Rome to Kahless of Klingon and even Nero the Romulan’s assault on the Kelvin.  He researched the psychology of the Federation’s alien enemies. 

He looked for any advantage he might have over an enemy.  What were the capabilities of their ships, their command structure, their religious beliefs, their anatomical strengths and weaknesses?  He knew this battle could be won, but it would only be won by thinking outside the box.  Something he excelled at because he was a street fighter at heart and he had no problem fighting dirty.  He was willing to do whatever it took to win. 

Jim was feeling fairly confident about his second attempt at the Maru.  He had done his research and he was fairly certain that he had come up with a possible approach no one else had ever attempted.  The test was never the same twice but the basic overarching elements remained the same.  You are the captain of a starship.  You are outnumbered and overwhelmed.  You ship has suffered irreparable damage.  Your crew’s lives are at stake.  What do you do? 

A favorable outcome to the instructors would include the defeat and surrender of the enemy ships.  But there were other definitions of success on the battlefield.  Sometimes it was necessary to sacrifice one’s self and lose the battle to win the war.  The first time he took the test he had attempted to save the crew _and_ win the fight, but Jim favored a no-holds-barred approach.  There would be no retreat this time.  He would face his enemy head on. 

 

oOo

Early in their final semester Len found himself summoned to Commander Philip Boyce’s office.  Boyce was his medical advisor, but he was also head of Starfleet Medical here at the Academy.

Len was starting to feel uncomfortable as Boyce sat behind his desk reading from one of the many PADDs that cluttered the surface.   He hadn’t looked up since he had directed Len to sit in the chair across from him.  A couple of more minutes passed before he set the PADD aside. “Captain Pike tells me you’ve requested Enterprise.”  He looked Len over critically, “I have to say I was surprised.  That’s pretty far outside your comfort zone, Len.  Are you sure that’s what you really want?” 

Len rubbed the back of his neck.  “I’m sure.”

Boyce tapped the PADD on his desk.  “You have diagnosed Aviophobia.” 

“Had.  I have it under control.” 

“Under control enough to want to subject yourself to living on a starship in deep space where you might only see land a handful of times a year?”

He could feel the anxiety starting to prickle at the backs of his hands.  Here it was.  Phil was trying to let him down easily.  He was going to tell him he had been stationed planet side.  He should have known that there was just too much stacked against him.  His phobia, the demand for his skills, his personal relationship with Jim. 

“What are you getting at Phil?” Len asked nervously.

“Now calm down.  I’m not judging you and I’m not trying to talk you out of it.”

“Do you know something I don’t?”

“No.  I don’t.  As far as I know the final assignments haven’t been made yet.”

“Then what is this?”

“Chris brought it up at the reception a couple of weeks ago, said you’d requested Enterprise and I wanted to hear it from you.  I’m curious as to why you’re requesting a deep space posting when you could have your choice of medical postings anywhere in the Alpha quadrant.”

Len tried to remain calm, “This wouldn’t be an issue if I really could have my choice of postings, we both know that.  Starfleet’s going to send me wherever they want me regardless of my wishes.” 

“They will take your request into consideration,” but Boyce’s reassurance sounded half-hearted.

“Right before they deny it.”  Len shifted uncomfortably, unsure of how much to share with Boyce.  “Look, I know Pike’s not my greatest fan, but he can’t deny my request for Enterprise for personal reasons can he?”

Boyce looked surprised, “What makes you think he would do that?”

“We’ve had a contentious relationship at best.  It just seems we’re always butting heads over something.” Len tried hard to hide his frustration but knew he was probably unsuccessful.

Boyce tried to suppress a smile, “I would expect nothing less with two high achieving Alpha male personality types.”  He took pity on him, “But Len, Chris has never had a bad word to say about you.”  He took in McCoy’s disbelieving look.  “Honestly.

“We’re just having this friendly little conversation because Starfleet asks my recommendations on where my medical cadets could best be utilized.”  He stood and came around to perch on the desk in front of Len, “And I have to say, I’ve found myself in several spirited debates with Admirals who are lobbying for your services.  You definitely have a way of stirring up strong emotions.”

“So, the fact that we’re having this conversation at all, does that mean you’re willing to recommend me for Enterprise?”  Phil Boyce’s recommendation would carry some weight with the Academy board, and if Phil was to be believed and Pike hadn’t blackballed him to begin with, maybe he had a chance.

“It’s all very unofficial at this point so I’m not at liberty to address specifics, but I know you’re in high demand.  As you should be, you’re my best cadet.  I’ve read your argument on why you want to be stationed on Enterprise and it’s very persuasive.  I don’t have a problem supporting your request, but just keep in mind that it’s a board decision, my input only plays a small part.”

“I’m sure it can’t hurt.  Thank you, sir.”

“Now, that just leaves one item that we need to address.”  Len was immediately back on his guard.

“What’s up with you and Chapel?”  Phil asked offhand. 

“Sir?”

“Don’t play dumb, McCoy, it doesn’t suit you.  I’ve seen how chummy you two have gotten and I need to know if duty assignments need to be adjusted accordingly.”

Len had to be truthful, he couldn’t risk the appearance of impropriety, not when he was trying his damnedest to get assigned to Enterprise.  It was in his best interest to have Christine assigned to a different medical team because of their relationship. 

“Christine and I have started dating.  It would probably be wise to move her to Hannigan’s team for the duration.”

Boyce seemed satisfied, “Very wise decision, Doctor.”

It did start to nag at Len that Christine’s assignment request could interfere with his if they weren’t careful.  Starfleet didn’t take kindly to its senior officers fraternizing with direct subordinates. 

Boyce moved back around the desk and seated himself while still watching McCoy.  The silence was drawing out and Len wondered where this was going next, if he was going to bring up the fraternization issue with Christine.

“Your time here at the Academy is something that you’ll look back on fondly in the years to come.”  Boyce’s voice had taken on a nostalgic tinge and Len wondered if he was thinking of his own years here before he graduated.  “It has an almost surreal quality when contrasted with what awaits you _out there_.” 

Len’s stomach twisted a little as he realized Phil was referring to space.  He still hadn’t fully wrapped his mind around the ramifications of his assignment request other than it being the necessary expedient to keep him with Jim. 

Boyce had continued, “Everyone has that one person they connect with while they’re here, but Academy romances don’t usually survive graduation.”  He looked pointedly at McCoy.  Len opened his mouth to respond, but Boyce cut him off, “I know you aren’t the typical cadet.  You’re older, you have more life experience, but there’s something about the isolation here that kind of suspends reality.  It allows you to indulge in areas you wouldn’t normally.  It’s different after graduation, when you’re stationed on a starship together.”

McCoy didn’t know what to do with this fatherly advice.  He knew Boyce meant well, but he was confused.  Was he warning him about Chapel?

“Well, this, it’s really not that serious.” 

“Really?  She seems like just your type.” Phil seemed to be leading him, guiding the conversation to a point McCoy still hadn’t grasped. 

“Maybe.  Don’t get me wrong, Christine is great.  But…” he hesitated.

“But there’s someone else.”  Boyce was watching him closely.

Ah, the point.  Len was now on full alert.

“I didn’t say that.”

“You didn’t have to.”

Phil fiddled with his PADDs stacking them neatly and straightening his desk.  Len could sense his self-conscious hesitation and was curious about where this was all leading.

“Maybe it’s none of my business, but I know what it’s like to have to watch from afar and there’s something to be said for maintaining a safe distance.”  He sat back and looked at Len seriously, “Being a ship’s surgeon is a difficult position to be in, Len.  You don’t have the luxury of refusing to treat a patient for personal reasons.  You’ll have to treat people you’ve formed relationships with.  Close relationships.  It’s _damn_ hard medicine and your professionalism will be put to the test on a daily basis.  Have you taken that into consideration?”  

“What are you saying, Phil?” 

“Me?  I’m not saying anything.  I’m just trying to give you a little friendly advice from my long years of experience.  You might be happier with a safe buffer zone between you and the Enterprise.  I know I am.  Think about it.”

After he left Boyce’s office, he was unable to think of anything else. 

He knew it would be hard.  The hardest person to treat under adverse circumstances would be Jim.  He dreaded the thought of him being critically injured.  What if he did his best and Jim died?  What if he made a mistake?  That was why doctors didn’t treat family, they were too emotionally attached.  Their judgement could be clouded and they would have to live with the consequences.  But what haunted him most was the thought of _not_ being the one to treat him, having to live with the knowledge that he could have saved him when someone else didn’t. 

One thing Len was sure of, whatever the consequences, whether it was on his watch or not, if Jim died, Len’s life would become a colorless imitation of what it was now.  He needed Jim Kirk alive somewhere in the galaxy, even if they weren’t together, even if they weren’t friends anymore.  As long as he knew he was alive Len knew he would be alright.  If Jim was gone, nothing else really mattered.  He would go on, he would make his best effort to live his life well for Joanna, for himself, for Jim’s memory, but it would never be the same. 

It all came down to the fact that he couldn’t trust anyone else to keep Jim alive.  So, there really was no other option for him.  As painful as it might turn out to be, he had to be on Enterprise. 

 

oOo

Where did that leave his relationship with Christine?  They both knew graduation was coming soon.  This thing they were doing probably wouldn’t survive after that, especially if they were both assigned to different postings. 

The fact that they had both requested Enterprise raised its own share of problems, but since neither of them had been interested in a serious relationship it hadn’t been an issue. 

At this point, it was just something that nagged at the back of Len’s mind.  What if they were all stationed on Enterprise?  How would he and Chris handle that?  It might also become necessary at some point to tell Chris about Jim and he wasn’t sure how Chris would react if she found out he had lied to her.  He hadn’t meant to deceive her, but he had twisted his semantics again and allowed her to believe he was thinking of Jocelyn, not Jim.  He had sworn he wouldn’t do that again after the fallout between him and Jim about Clay.                                         

Len was torturing himself with the what-ifs for no better reason than torturing himself.  Kind of his own self-imposed punishment and because he was torturing himself with the what-ifs he decided to broach the subject of graduation with Christine.

“Chris, what happens if we both end up on Enterprise?”

“What do you mean?”

“You know in a small department like that we wouldn’t be able to keep on dating.  Here it’s easy to maintain distance since I’m not your direct supervisor, but on a ship I would be your boss.  It violates the fraternization rules.”  Just like a relationship with Jim would, but he put that out of mind for now.

“You mean my plan to screw the boss for favors like better duty shifts isn’t going to work?”

“No.”

She ran a hand up his thigh.  “Not even a few sexual favors here and there?”

“Chris, I’m serious.”

She sat up.  “Alright, Len.  Yes, I know this couldn’t continue.  We both knew that when we started this.”

“I know.  I just want to be sure that we could still work together because you’re one hell of a nurse, and if I am on Enterprise I want you on my team.”

“I don’t think that’s going to be a problem.  I can maintain a professional working relationship and I know you can too.  Am I going to say I won’t be sorry when it’s late and I’m lonely and you are right there on the ship?  I can’t promise that.  I like you Len.  I’m going to miss this when it ends.”

“Yeah, me too, Chris.” 

“So, let’s enjoy it while we can.”

It was all very adult.  And very deluded.  Len knew it wouldn’t be that easy or clean, it never was, but there was no sense in worrying about something that might never happen.  No sense borrowing trouble.

 

oOo

Jim had found himself sitting in front of a vidscreen for his weekly advising session with Pike who was sitting on the empty bridge of the Enterprise which was still in dry dock in Riverside.  Jim was greedily taking in every detail of the area surrounding the Captain’s chair when his attention was pulled back.

“I’m going to be blunt,” was all the warning Jim got.  They had been discussing his second scheduled run at the Kobayashi Maru.

“Please tell me you’ve come up with something better than a suicide run.”

What the fuck?

“There’s something that’s come to be known around there as the Kelvin Effect.  You think you’re something special, just ‘cause your name’s Kirk?  I get at least three cadets every semester that pull the sacrifice card.  Your father taught a generation about the glory of choosing death.  Hell, the Klingons have even built a memorial to him.  Why don’t you try to come up with something original, because a Kirk committing sacrificial suicide has been done before.”

 

It had been fucking brutal.  But maybe Pike was right.  He’d allowed himself to fall in to the same fucking trap everyone else did when faced with the Maru.  It was “unwinnable”, so you didn’t try, you just went out in blaze of fucking glory. 

Well, despite what most seemed to think, Jim Kirk hadn’t joined the ‘fleet for glory.  Of course, he was never one to shy away from the limelight, but he didn’t do the things he did expecting praise or reward. 

So here he was, night before the Maru, tearing up his plan and starting over.  He was going to go in there armed to the teeth with information and hoped that his knowledge trumped the programmer’s somewhere along the way.  They couldn’t have planned for every possible scenario.  Sure there were live unscripted responses to his actions, but those were only as good as the person manning the console. 

 

oOo

Len looked around the small group of people gathered around the instructor on the simulation deck.  He was the only medical student present, most were command and engineers.  Then there was Uhura who was looking decidedly put-out.  Len made his way over to stand next to her. 

“Nyota, how’d Jim manage to rope you into this?”

“Ugh!  Don’t even get me started on how he relentlessly badgered me into being here.” But one corner of her mouth lifted in a sinister half-smile. 

“Let me guess, you’re hoping for a front row seat at his second failure.” 

Uhura looked repentant, “Well, I have to admit, it will probably be the best show in town.  I hear his first attempt was a sight to behold, that he fought tooth and nail to save his ship and crew and that it was almost a shame to see him lose.  I kind of felt bad for him after that.  He takes every loss so personally.  He really needs remember it’s just a simulation.” 

Len looked away, a little disturbed at Uhura’s depiction of Jim’s first attempt at the Maru.  Jim did tend to lose perspective sometimes.  He knew that to everyone else it was just a simulation, but to Jim, it was an indictment of his worthiness to command.  He’d dealt with loss before, he knew what was real and what wasn’t, but to Jim, if he couldn’t succeed in the sim, he didn’t deserve to be in command in reality.  

 

The Maru was a test that was required of Command cadets.  Len wasn’t required to participate, but because of Jim pushing him to get his fight rating, he was eligible to man the console.

As Len listened to the crew briefing he had his misgivings, but he would rather be there to support Jim, than not.  He needed to be here because he knew that Jim would take a second loss harder than the first.  He hadn’t expected to win that time and Len knew how much research time he’d put into planning for this attempt.

“The sim needs to be as realistic as possible to judge Cadet Kirk’s performance.  If the computer at your station designates you as injured or killed, you will act as such.”

Len felt stupid sitting at the helm in his God awful sim jumpsuit.  The idiot who had chosen these had to be sending some kind of message to the cadets.  It was like the academy was trying to make them feel off-kilter before the sim even began by controlling every aspect of the experience even down to the comfort of their clothing.

The set lights came up indicating that the sim was about to get under way.  Len pulled at the uncomfortable scratchy collar one last time before turning his attention to the data beginning to stream across his station.

+

Jim settled stiffly into the captain’s chair.  He looked his bridge crew over.  He had Uhura on communications.  He had Bones on helm.  Neither one needed this exam for their rating, so this wasn’t a test of their skills.  It was a test of Jim’s grasp of strategic warfare and his command skills, his ability to keep his head under duress.  Having Bones here would help.

The sim advanced much more quickly than it had previously, perhaps compensating for his increased level of experience, and he soon found his ship surrounded by Romulan birds of prey.  Jim threw every tactic he had in his arsenal at the sim, but he couldn’t seem to make any headway.   The Kobayashi Maru had been boarded and her crew captured.  Jim’s ship was surrounded and heavily damaged.  The only way out seemed to be through.  Either surrender or take as many of these bastards with him as possible.

Pike anticipated his next move, could see it coming from a mile away and that was all he needed, “Shut him down.”

+

The view screens flared white and they all shielded their eyes as the Romulan ships fired.

Len stared down at the one word flashing red in the middle of his screen.  DEAD.  DEAD.  DEAD. 

_Fuck!_

The set rocked again and he allowed the momentum to throw him forward across the console.  He let his body go slack and shut his eyes, shutting out the sight of the chaos going on around him as Jim continued to shout orders. 

Others were acting out their injuries and deaths a little more dramatically and the level of noise, the shouting, the explosions and the screams of the “dying and injured” began to sound too real.  He started to sweat, his chest constricted and he found it getting harder to breathe.  Hell, this was a fucking inconvenient time to be having an anxiety attack.  He had told Boyce he had his aviophobia under control, it wouldn’t look good to lose it now, so Len concentrated on regulating his breathing and focused on Jim’s voice.

+

Jim’s ship rocked beneath his feet.  Everything was going to hell and he could feel the sweat breaking out on his forehead, the jumpsuit was getting uncomfortably hot.  There was smoke obscuring the bridge and sparks were arcing from the surrounding consoles.  All around them the view screens showed the enemy ships closing in.  Jim could feel the eyes of the observers boring into his back.  He swore he could feel Pike’s disappointment through the one way glass.

It was his last thought before the set went silent. 

Len blinked his eyes open to see Jim’s haunted blues locked on his before he turned away.

 

Pike watched the end of the sim unfold below, the glass superimposing his own reflection on top of the scene.  He watched Jim standing in the center of the bridge staring at McCoy as the lights came up.  As soon as McCoy began to move again Jim turned and walked from the room, not speaking to, or waiting for the Doctor.

He turned away from the viewing window.  Kirk had handled himself admirably, but the result of the exam still remained to be seen, If Kirk could walk away and accept his failure gracefully.  Most cadets accepted the painful lesson and moved on, but so far Kirk hadn’t shown that he had grasped that nuance of the test.  It also looked like he’d inadvertently gotten a small taste of the hazards of serving with friends.

 

When the overhead lights came on Len stood up and straightened his clothes and ran a hand through his hair pushing back his errant bangs.  He looked around for Jim, but he’d already made a hasty escape.  Try as he might, he couldn’t seem to get the look in Jim’s eyes out of his mind for the rest of the day.

Len didn’t see Jim after that and, as concerned as he was about his reaction to failing the Maru, Len and the rest of the hospital staff found themselves kept busy with a viral outbreak among several of the alien species on campus.  It didn’t pose much of a threat to the human population who made up the majority of the student body, but it kept him from checking on Jim.

 

oOo

Len would have been pissed if he saw Jim. 

Bones’ “death” had sent him on a downward spiral that had resulted in him rehashing the results of the test at the exclusion of everyone and everything else.  He became laser focused on finding a way to defeat the Maru.

Jim knew he had been too cocky about the test.  He had truly believed that if he was smart enough he could win because he had never met a situation where winning wasn’t an option.  There was no such thing as a no-win scenario, so he must not have tried hard enough, hadn’t been good enough.

In the last moments of the exam Jim had been preparing for one last ditch attempt at success, but the sim had ended before he could make that last move and he felt utterly betrayed when he hadn’t been able to save Bones. 

 

It was an epiphany when Jim realized it _was_ a betrayal. 

The real enemy of the sim wasn’t the simulated Klingons and Romulans, as he’d been led to believe, it was the programmer and the coder who has taken unfair advantage.  He suspected that they had actually created a game that was incapable of being won.  And _that_ rubbed against Jim’s basic moral code of right and wrong. 

If that were the case, then the only way to win would be to find a way to circumvent the programming.  He could rewrite the sim, enter his own subroutine into the master program, much like he had on the shuttle sim he created for Joanna for Christmas.

To say that Jim became obsessed with the Maru would be an understatement.  Even Marlena started to lose patience with him.

 

oOo

**Stardate 2258.21 (January 21, 2258) <Back to present day - Picks up at Prologue>**

The pounding continued unabated.

“Yeah, yeah, yeah, I’m coming!” 

The door slid open as Jim ran one hand through his hair while zipping his jeans, “You better have a damn good reason for waking me up!  Oh, Captain Pike.  Sorry, Sir.”

“I’m sure you are…,” he leaned back and looked at the name plate beside the door, “Cadet Marlena Moreau.”

Jim winced as Pike moved around him and into the small room, taking it all in slowly.

“There a reason you’ve basically moved out of a graduate apartment and back into the plebe dorms?”  He delicately picked up a skimpy thong from the corner of the dresser, dangling it on one finger. 

“Self-explanatory, Sir,” Jim said as he grabbed the article of clothing and tossed it behind the couch.

“Indeed.”

“Is there a problem, Sir?” Jim was wondering why Pike was here.

“No.  I’m just surprised, I guess.  I stopped by your room,” he walked around the room looking at photos and knick knacks and continued absently as he examined a stack of textbook PADDS, “McCoy gave me your new address.”  Then he turned to meet Jim’s gaze, “Seems he had a guest as well.”

Jim shifted uncomfortably, “Yeah, well.  Life goes on, huh?”

Why was Kirk living with a second year astrophysics student?  What the hell had happened in the time he had been gone to drive a wedge between these two cadets?   Because clearly something had driven a wedge between Kirk and McCoy, they had been damn near inseparable for the better part of three years and now they were barely speaking.  What had he missed while he had been distracted overseeing the outfitting of his new ship? 

Pike looked closely at Kirk.  He looked ragged around the edges, tired.  He knew the kid had taken his failures on the Kobayashi Maru hard.  He’d just received notice that Kirk had requested to retake the exam for a third time.  It was almost unheard of for anyone to request a retake and Kirk was the first cadet to ever want to submit himself to a punishing third round.  Most cadets just accepted the inevitable failure and moved on, but not, it seemed, James Kirk. 

“With all due respect, Sir, what are you doing here?  I’m sure you have better things to do with your time than worry about my social life.”

Actually, he didn’t, but he wasn’t going to argue the point.  He knew well enough that if Jim Kirk didn’t want to talk, there was nothing that was going to make him.  Best to get on with why he had come.

“I came to show you this.”

Jim eyed the PADD Pike extended to him warily before accepting it.  “You came all the way over here to give me something you could have forwarded to my comm?” 

“Now that would be ridiculous, wouldn’t it?”

Jim looked at the PADD again, closer this time. 

“Obviously, there must be a reason I couldn’t send it to you.”

This was one of Pike’s robustly encrypted ‘fleet PADDs, even Jim would have had trouble cracking it, not that he couldn’t if given enough time.  Pike reached over and slid his palm across the scanner and the device signaled its acceptance of his security clearance.

Jim continued looking at Pike’s placid expression before tearing his eyes away to focus on the screen.

He read silently, his palms growing sweaty.  He had to shift the PADD to avoid dropping it as it grew slippery in his grasp.  It was a copy of Jim’s official orders to report to Enterprise as a member of the command crew.  He was to report to Captain Christopher Pike on Stardate 2258.179.  Pending graduation of course.

He moved to scroll down the crew list, but paused, looking to Pike for permission.  He received one short nod.  With a shaking hand he scrolled down the screen, his eidetic memory quickly recording the names of his crewmates as he searched for medical personnel.  He reached the bottom of the list without finding Leonard McCoy’s name.  He stood still.  The room was still, Pike was silent.  It was difficult to breathe.  He was brought back to himself when he felt Pike take the PADD gently, search something then place it back in his hand.  He took a shaky breath and forced himself to focus on the print again.  He read slowly, his lightning quick brain taking much longer than normal to decipher the words and parse their meaning.   Lieutenant Commander Leonard H. McCoy, MD, PhD was ordered to report to the Starfleet research facility on Aldeberan III.  His transport was scheduled to leave on Stardate 2258.193.

 Well, he would have a few weeks of leave to get his things in order and see Joanna.  That was good.  And he would be on a safe planet in the alpha quadrant.  He could find a nice house there.  Jim had visited once, there was good fishing.  Jim couldn’t help the small, mundane thoughts his brain chose to fixate on rather than accept the larger implications. 

Pike took the PADD back and switched it off.  “I’m sorry, Jim.”

“Oh, hey, no.  I’m sure you tried.”  But did he try? “You did try, right?”  Jim’s anger was slowly replacing his shock.  “Bones belongs on the Enterprise.  You know that, right?” 

Pike refused to be drawn into Jim’s recriminations.  He knew he was lashing out out of impotent anger.  “I am sorry, Jim.  I’ll give you time to get used to this, then we’ll talk.”

“What about Bones?  Did you tell him?”

“Now, I couldn’t very well do that now could I?  The list hasn’t been officially released yet.  You’re sworn to secrecy until then.”  He turned back at the door.  “Of course, you don’t have a security clearance, so technically you aren’t under the same restrictions.  But only McCoy.  No one else.”

“Yes, sir.  Thank you, sir.”

Jim’s mind was already spinning out how he was going to tell Bones. 

 

oOo

**Stardate 2258.21 (January 21, 2258)**

 “What’s up McCoy?" 

"Wish I knew Chapel.” 

 “The orderlies tell me you’re being a real bear today.  What’s up, Doc?”

“Maybe they just have too much time on their hands and I need to find somethin’ else for ‘em to do.”

“What did Pike want this morning?”

“Nothin’.”  She watched him silently until he felt he had to continue.  “He was lookin’ for Jim.”

Christine nodded.  “Is that what this is all about?”

“Ain’t nothin’ ‘bout nothin’.  Now if you don’t have enough to do either, Nurse, I’ll be happy to find somethin’ for you to do.”

Christine smirked, “Yeah, I bet you would.  Maybe later, Doc.  Gotta run, I’m due in the OR.” 

Len just chuckled as he got ready to make his rounds.

Once Christine was out of sight, Len put his PADD down.  He sat staring at the screen without seeing the data.  He wondered what Pike had wanted with Jim badly enough that he’d personally come to the dorm looking for him.  In all the time they had been here, Len couldn’t remember Pike coming by the dorms before. 

He pulled the comm from his pocket and fiddled with the cover.  He could just call Jim and ask him.  Couldn’t he?  It wasn’t like they weren’t speaking to each other.  They were getting along better than they had in a while, but he was still hesitant.  Things were better, but he hadn’t seen much of Jim since he had crewed for him for the Maru.  It was almost like he was avoiding him again and he wasn’t sure why.

He quickly typed:

     <Hey, when you get a chance, give me a call.>

He hit send and slid the comm back in his pocket and went about his day. 

 

oOo

Jim opened his comm and read the message before stuffing it back in his pocket. 

He had no intention of talking to Bones any time soon.  He was still trying to shake off the feeling that he had failed him on the Maru and he had no idea how he was going to break the news about his not being assigned to Enterprise.  Bones had always been able to read him, and if he talked to him now, Bones would know he was hiding something.  Jim hoped there was still some way fix all this, he wasn’t willing to accept it.  Not yet. 

So he continued what he had been doing since the sim, driving himself night and day to prepare for his third attempt at the Maru.  He had become obsessed with the test and so focused on his research that he found himself forgetting to eat and he couldn’t sleep, another reason not to talk to Bones.  He was sure that if Bones saw him he would rip him from one end to the other for not taking care of himself. 

Jim sat in Marlena’s room running through the sim for the thousandth time.  It was imperative that he keep his mind occupied because when he kept his mind occupied he could almost forget the sight of Bones laid out across that tactical console, and that was one sight he needed to forget.  It had shared too many disturbing similarities to things he had seen on Tarsus. 

Standing there on the sim bridge surrounded by cadets the room had fallen away and, just for a moment, Jim had been back in the communications hut on Tarsus, surrounded by the dead.  They had all died from phaser blasts to the back or head and were sprawled across their consoles or slumped in their chairs.  They had been taken by surprise and killed where they sat as they attempted to contact any Federation ships in the sector for assistance. 

By sheer force of will he had been able to stave off the flashback in the classroom, but now it came roaring back with all of its sights and sounds and smells.  He was there again. The dorm room atmosphere became close and fetid, his blood pounded in his ears, his heart pounded in his chest, his skin crawled like the maggots on the bodies and his ears buzzed from the flies that circled his head.  He could smell the copper in the blood and taste the sickly sweet scent of decay on his tongue and his stomach roiled.  He pushed himself out of his chair and barely made it to the bathroom where he emptied the contents of his stomach into the toilet.

He didn’t know how long he had been sitting on the floor with his head pressed to the cool porcelain.  At some point the door signaled Marlena’s return so he pushed himself to his feet and washed the sour taste out of his mouth and brushed his teeth.  The minty taste of the toothpaste was barely tolerable but markedly better than vomit.

His stomach was unsettled for the rest of the night.  Just the smell of food set him off.  He knew Marlena was watching so he took a few tentative bites, but it wasn’t long before that came up as well.  He finally decided to call it a night and crawled into bed and tried to get some sleep.

The next couple of days passed in a fever dream of destroyed ships and dead crew.  Jim wasn’t able to keep any food down and Marlena started to worry.

 

oOo

Len rolled over and reached blindly for the comm on the stand beside his bed and flipped it open without checking the display.  Christine stirred beside him, so he spoke quietly hoping not to wake her, “McCoy.”

“Leonard?  This is Marlena.”

“Marlena?”  Len rubbed his eyes and glanced at the chrono which was glowing 0218.  He was instantly awake, “What’s wrong?”

“It’s Jim.”  Of course it was. There was no other reason she would be calling him in the middle of the night.  Or at all for that matter.  “He’s been sick for a couple of days, but earlier when he woke up he wasn’t making any sense and now I can’t get to wake him up.”

Len pushed aside the fact that this was Jim they were talking about and slid into doctor mode, “You said he’s been sick.  What were his symptoms?”

“He had a headache and he was sick to his stomach.  He also had a rash all over his body and now he has a fever.  He’s burning up.”

“Ok, has he taken anything?”

“Not in a while, I tried, but I can’t get him to wake up long enough to take it.”

Len had moved to the bathroom and was questioning Marlena quietly as he dressed.  If Jim was unresponsive they needed to reduce his fever as soon as possible.  He started thinking out loud, “Can you get him in the shower?” 

“I don’t know, I don’t thinks so.  I can’t wake him up for long and he’s too heavy for me to lift.”

“Then strip him down and get some cold wet towels on him,” Len gave instructions as he finished dressing.  “Try to bring his temperature down.  I’m on my way.”  He flipped his comm shut and grabbed his medkit.

He stopped at the door and looked back at Chris lying in bed and decided not to wake her.  He was used to dealing with Jim on his own and he didn’t really need a nurse on this one. 

Plus, if he wanted to be brutally honest, he didn’t want her with him when he was caring for Jim. 

 

Len reached the second year dorm and practically took the stairs at a run.  He found Marlena’s door standing ajar and went in.  As he moved to get his equipment ready, he took in Jim lying on the bed naked and covered in cold wet towels as he’d instructed.  Marlena was wiping his brow with a cool wash cloth as he moved fitfully against the bedding that was damp from his sweat.

His quick visual assessment told him it was worse than he’d thought.  Jim’s skin was flushed and he was sweating and trembling, more than likely chilled because of the cold towels, but a quick scan also showed that his fever was dangerously high, 105.1.  He also noted he was breathing rapidly.

Len moved the towels to check Jim’s chest, arms and legs.  There was a splotchy red rash which ran from his chest, down his abdomen and to his groin, but his skin was pale beneath the rash.  Len ran his fingers lightly across the lesions, but they felt different than the ones Jim usually got from an allergic reaction to something he’d ingested.  These were bright red dots which looked more like bleeding under the skin. 

“Is this the rash he had before the fever?”

“No, that was flatter, not like little bumps.  It’s a lot worse now.”

Len peeled back one eyelid.  The vibrant blue of Jim’s iris was dull and the whites were yellowed.  He swallowed down his emotional response to seeing the blue eyes that were usually so alive now so vacant, aware that Marlena was watching his every move.

He rubbed a knuckle roughly against Jim’s sternum and only received a faint moan in response to the painful stimuli.  Not good. 

Len worked quickly to establish an IV and administer something to reduce Jim’s fever.

“Go over his symptom with me again.  What was he complaining of before the fever?” 

“Well, he had a bad headache, right behind his eyes, and he was tired.  I just figured it was because he hadn’t been sleeping.  He said his stomach hurt and he wasn’t eating.  He was sick, but there just wasn’t anything to bring up and his muscles were sore from the dry heaves.   I haven’t been feeling great either, I just figured we have the flu, right?  There’s always something going around campus.”  Marlena gently brushed back the hair that had fallen in Jim’s eyes.

Len looked away discomfited by the tender gesture and noticed the wastebasket beside the bed.  He nodded towards it, “Did he cut himself?”

“Huh?”  She looked at the wastebasket which contained several bloody tissues, “Oh, no.  He had a nose bleed and it took forever to get it to stop.”

Len checked Jim’s blood pressure, which was high, and kept Marlena talking while he worked, trying not to betray the seriousness of the situation but she was starting to pick up on the tension.

“I’m sorry I bothered you, but I didn’t know what else to do.  He refused to go to medical.”

“That’s our Jim,” he said, grimly echoing her sentiment that night in the bar.  She gave a small uncertain laugh.  “Well now he’s got no damn choice and he’s going by emergency transport.”  She looked upset so he tried to reassure her, “You did the right thing.”

She wrung her hands, “But he made me promise I wouldn’t call _you_ either.”

“Yeah, well don’t you worry about that, I can handle Jim.”  _Idiot._

Len made the call to medical requesting an emergency transport to the hospital emergency room.    

Marlena was really starting to worry now and she wondered aloud, “Maybe I should call his mother?”

“No.  No, you definitely shouldn’t do that,” Len said a little too sharply startling her, but he had to convince her not to contact Winona.

“But shouldn’t his family should be notified?”

“That’s not necessary yet.  I’m sure he’ll be just fine and anyways, I’m his next of kin,” Len said as he worked.  He didn’t see the look of surprise that crossed her face, but he heard it in her reply.

“You are?”

“Yeah,” he glanced up at her, “it’s no big deal.  We’re each other’s next of kin.  Besides, Jim doesn’t have Winona listed as an emergency contact and without his permission it would be a violation of medical confidentiality.”

“And you know all this because you’re his doctor?”  She looked uncertain, like she had never really connected the dots about just who Len was to Jim.  Clearly she had called him as Jim’s doctor.  

Marlena looked on as he slung his med kit over his shoulder and gently gathered Jim against his chest for transport.

“Doctor, roommate, best friend. That’s me.  Jack of all trades.”  _Master of none._

Once he had Jim ready he gave the technician the go ahead to energize and the dorm room and Jim’s girlfriend swirled out of existence (he sighed, if it were only that easy) to be replaced by the familiar sight and sounds of Starfleet Medical. 

As soon as the beam released him he forgot about Marlena and started barking orders to the on-call staff. 

 

It took the better part of the night, but they finally had Jim stabilized and his temperature under control. Of course, Jim had tried his patience with a spiking blood pressure and then daring to threaten respiratory distress.  At one point he had started bleeding from his mucus membranes again and Len was terrified he was looking at some form of hemorrhagic fever, but the bleeding had stopped once they had gotten his blood pressure under control.  Jim was now resting comfortably under a cooling blanket.

Len stood at Jim’s bedside reviewing the biomonitors.  He took that opportunity to slip his left hand into Jim’s.  He wished he didn’t have the latex barrier between them as he rubbed soothing circles on the back of Jim’s hand with his gloved thumb.  Jim’s fingers twitched in his, perhaps on some level Jim was aware of his presence.  He consulted the monitors again scanning his brainwave activity.  He was still deeply asleep. 

Len noticed a small movement out of the corner of his eye, he bent over the bed to administer another medication into Jim’s IV port and slowly released Jim’s hand aware that he was being observed.  He spoke quietly, “I’m here, Jim and I ain’t goin’ anywhere.  I will figure this out.  You just hang in there for me, ok?”  He lifted his eyes to the monitors again for any sign Jim might have heard, but there was none.  He sighed deeply and straightened.  He put his hypo in the breast pocket of his scrubs and turned to see Christine gloving up.

He took a deep breath and steeled himself.  He hadn’t seen her since he left their bed in the middle of the night.

“Why didn’t you wake me?”

He moved aside so she could check Jim’s vitals.  “I didn’t think it was anything serious.  Lord knows I’m used to dealing with Jim’s bullshit.”  He watched as she lifted his blankets to assess Jim’s rash and was uncomfortably aware of the fact that he was naked beneath the gown.  She reached to check his catheter and Len had to turn away. 

“Squeamish, Doctor?” She asked curiously.

“No,” he downplayed his reaction.  “Just not interested in being that up close and personal with him.  I get enough of that as his doctor, don’t need to be his nurse too.  I’ll leave you to it.  Let me know if there are any changes.”

“Sure thing, Doc.” 

Len felt like he was traversing a mine field between maintaining his professional distance from Christine and now having Jim as a patient.  It promised to be an interesting night with both of them there.

 

While Jim slept, Len sat with his feet kicked up at the nurse’s station lazily combing through Jim’s medical records once again while he waited for the lab work to come back. 

They hadn’t been able to identify the virus responsible for Jim’s infection yet, but the reaction was too severe to be the strain of influenza currently making its way through the campus.  Len felt like he had missed something, but there just wasn’t anything in Jim’s file to miss. 

Len looked up, lost in thought and idly tracked one of the Vheteris who was being discharged.  He was the last of the small group of thin, gray skinned humanoids who had been hospitalized after contracting a virus one of their cohort had brought back from their native plant after a holiday visit.  To the Vheteris the virus acted similarly to chicken pox in humans but it could have some nasty side effects, luckily once they were well they were unlikely to catch it again.  

Len sat upright suddenly, slamming his PADD on the table.

It couldn’t be that simple.  Pterminisus was an ADE virus in other species but cross-species transmission was difficult. 

But, if the virus had a mutation …, and the host was susceptible..., and the virus found a compatible host in which to replicate, it was possible that the virus could then spread more easily into the human population.  Hell, they could be looking at a first generation viral emergence. 

Pterminisus would surely present differently in a human and Jim never presented with textbook symptoms of an illness, probably because of the fact that his immune system had been compromised by radiation at birth, which also left him more susceptible to infections.  If he had been exposed before…. but where would he have come into contact with it? 

Then it hit him.  Jim had a thing for aliens.  He had regaled Len often enough with his personal plan for First Contact with alien species when he was taking that damn xenosexuality class first year. 

Fuck. 

“Henderson!  Get me isolation protocols on bed eight!  Stat!”

Henderson hit the nearest biohazard alert panel as Len started shouting orders and making the necessary calls.

“Gowns, gloves and masks people!  I want Cadet Kirk moved to an isolation unit.”

They needed to stop this here and now before anyone else was exposed.  The campus was vulnerable.  So many cadets living so closely to each other, sharing food and beds.  It was one fucking cadet away from an epidemic.  And that Cadet could very easily be the very gregarious Jim Kirk.

He focused on the comm in his hand, “That’s right, Marlena Moreau, 437 Seddins Hall, full containment protocols.  I want her in here and in isolation immediately.  We may be looking at a quarantine situation for that dorm until we can get a crew over there to check everyone out.  Yes, sir.”

He was getting a lot of very influential people out of bed very early in the morning and he’d been told by more than one admiral that he’d better be right about this or his ass was on the line.  That was fine with him, he was willing to take the heat but he wouldn’t ignore his gut instinct.  It hadn’t failed him yet.

 

Once he was dressed in full biohazard gear he let himself into Jim’s atmosphere regulated unit. 

Jim was awake now and looked at him blearily.

“Full body condom?  Really?  Is it that bad?”

Len ignored the attempt at humor.

“Jim, have you ever had Pterminisus before?”  

“Huh?”  He was still slightly out of it, but Len needed his attention.  He leaned over the bed and placed himself squarely into Jim’s field of vision.

“Jim, have you ever had sex with a Vheteran?” He stated slowly and clearly.

“Yeah.  Yeah, once…a long time ago.  But not since…” he trailed off guiltily.

“I don’t care about that.  Listen.  Did you use dermal barrier gel?”

“No, man, I hate that stuff. You know that.  I can’t feel anything.”

“Damn it, Jim!  You need to use it every time you have sex with someone you don’t know.  You can’t take risks like that.”  Jim just stared at him.

Yeah, Len could hear what he was saying and he would kick himself later, but right now he was Jim’s doctor – not his … whatever.

“Did you get sick after?  Like the flu?”

“I don’t remember.  It was so long ago…maybe?  Why?”

“Because I think you have Pterminisus and it’s an ADE, Antibody-Dependent Enhancement virus.  You get sicker each time you’re exposed.  For humans, interspecies transmission is sexual.  With your sketchy medical records I didn’t know you’d had it before, so you weren’t notified when there was an outbreak on campus.” 

“Sorry.”

“No, I’m sorry, Jim.  I’m supposed to prevent shit like this.  Now that we know what we’re dealing with we can treat it, but one of these days your lack of medical documentation is going to really come back to bite you in the ass.”  Len relented, “Look, don’t worry about it.  I know you can’t change the past.  It just means that we need to be more proactive in the future.” 

It also underscored why Len didn’t trust anyone else with Jim’s care.  He had to be with him in the black.  No one else would be as invested in Jim’s health as he was.  And wasn’t that just the problem.  When it came to Jim’s care Len would have to be very careful to maintain his objectivity, or the appearance of objectivity, otherwise he could be removed as Jim’s physician.

Len could see Marlena through the window in the next unit.  She had been brought in a few minutes earlier and was having labs drawn.  Awesome.  Jim’s girlfriend was his next patient.  He couldn’t very well complain without having to explain why he felt he needed to transfer her care to another doctor.  It would just draw attention to the fact that he was probably too emotionally invested to treat Jim as well.  Double awesome. 

He needed a buffer.  Len exited Jim’s room and motioned to the nearest nurse to accompany him before he entered Marlena’s room.  He knew he owed her just as much of his focus as he had given Jim.  He was a professional, he wouldn’t allow his personal feelings to interfere in his ability to care for her.  In fact he should treat her better.  She was important to Jim, therefore she was important to him.

 

They had been lucky with this virus.  It had been caught before it could do much damage.

Fortunately, Jim hadn’t been out spreading his charm around the usual bars while he was contagious and a lot of unsuspecting cadets had dodged a bullet, but Jim was still a very social creature and he had been attending classes, doing research in the library and eating in the mess.  His up close tactile persona had increased the percentage of transmission.

McCoy had been staying in the on-call room refusing to leave medical at least until Jim was out of the woods, but he didn’t actually sleep.  If he wasn’t in Jim’s room or the lab, he was on his terminal reviewing results and conferring remotely with physicians on Vhetera. 

Len tapped his stylus on his PADD momentarily distracted.  Lack of sleep was starting to catch up with him and there would be no climbing into Jim’s bed like Jim had done when Len was in the hospital.  He couldn’t help lamenting the fact that he wasn’t free to express his concern for Jim or care for him the way he wanted to.  He had Marlena for that now. 

Instead, Len focused on trying to decode the virus's genome and find the specific mutation that had allowed transmission and replication.  Once he had identified the specific alleles he created a vaccine.  Starfleet medical expedited the testing protocols and within a week they were performing campus wide inoculations.  In all, 37 other cadets came down with the virus.  They could all be traced back to patient zero – Jim Kirk.  The one fact that gave Len the most comfort was that the only sexually transmitted case was to his girlfriend. 

Jim had been monogamous and he had the proof.  

It wasn’t until much later, when he had crawled more than a little way into a bottle, that he thought to wonder if that was also proof that Jim was really serious about Marlena.  He crawled the rest of the way in and didn’t surface until the next morning with one hell of hangover. 

 

oOo

“How come the only time I ever see you is in a hospital room?” Pike addressed McCoy quietly as he reviewed Jim’s vitals from the night before while he slept.  He had just started his rounds when the Captain had come in.

“Just lucky I guess?”

“Guess I’m lucky it hasn’t been me in the bed.” 

“Always better to be the one on the other side of the IV.”  Pike knew McCoy was speaking from past experience. It led nicely into why Pike had sought him out.

“So, how’s our boy?

McCoy looked at him with one eyebrow cocked, “Our boy?  Our boy is a grown man.”  He reconsidered his response, “You askin’ as his advisor or his surrogate father?”

“I thought that position was taken.”

“I may be his family, but I ain’t his daddy.”

“Good to know.  I have to admit I’ve had occasion to wonder about you two.”

“Well stop wonderin’, just consider me his,” Len waved a hand around, “brother.”  A sudden thought struck him, “Guess that makes you _my_ daddy too.”

“Watch it, McCoy.” 

Len chuckled.

“So how is he?”

“He’s responding well to the vaccine.” 

“I hear you haven’t left the hospital since you brought him in.  You’ve spent every spare minute identifying the virus and formulating a vaccine.” 

“Yeah, well, Jim’s a difficult patient.  Someone’s gotta stay on top of him or things spiral out control real fast.  I just don’t trust anyone else enough to leave.”

“You’re in Starfleet Medical, among the best in the Federation and you can’t trust your colleagues?” 

“Ok, let me rephrase.  I do trust them, they’re fine doctors.  They just don’t have experience with Jim or his wonky immune system.  His responses are extreme and he never progresses as expected.  I just don’t feel comfortable turning his care over to someone else, I know how quickly things can go sideways.  I’m ready for it.  I anticipate it.” 

Pike looked at him with a new understanding, “That’s why you’re so adamant about Enterprise, isn’t it?”

Len blushed.

“I get it.  I do.  I think maybe I appreciate it now more than I did before.”  Pike sighed, “Normally I couldn’t justify assigning a doctor solely based on one crewmember's needs, no matter who that crewmember happens to be, but you’re highly qualified and you’ve submitted a very persuasive request.  You bring an incredible array of skill sets to the table, Doctor.”

“Does that mean you’re willing to reconsider your recommendation?”

“It was never my recommendation that was holding up your assignment.”

“I just thought….”

“What, because you were a pain in my ass on one mission?  Hell, if anything that worked in your favor.  Yes I want a crew that obeys my orders, but I also want officers who will fight for what they think is right.  But you have to realize who’s ultimately in control.  I can’t have you going off on your own.  You have a problem with an order, you bring it to me and we work it out.  You didn’t do that.”

They both stood looking at Jim.

“You know that being on board the same ship with him wouldn’t necessarily be a cake walk for your relationship.  It can drive a wedge between you two.”

“Yeah, well, it couldn’t be any worse than it already is.”  

With that Len left Pike to watch over Jim and he wondered once again what the fuck was up between these two.  Whatever their issues, McCoy’s knowledge of Jim’s health was vital to his care.  He had managed to quickly put puzzle pieces together that someone else night not have seen.  Then he was able to take that diagnosis straight through to a treatment plan and a preventative vaccination ensuring the protection of countless others.  He was one brilliant son-of-a-bitch and he would be an asset to his crew.

 

oOo

Pike went straight from Jim’s hospital room to Admiral Barnett’s office.

“We have to talk Richard.”

“Ah, Chris.  Always a pleasure.  I thought I would be seeing you soon.  Have a seat.”  He indicated one of the leather chairs in front of his desk, but Pike chose to remain standing.

“I want to know why McCoy isn’t on my crew list?”

“Sit, Chris.”  He waited patiently while Pike seated himself stiffly in the chair, maintaining his rigid posture and sighed tiredly, “For all the potential you tout, Kirk is an unproven element.”

“This isn’t about Kirk.”

“Isn’t it?  McCoy is an extremely valuable asset and he’s needed elsewhere.  I can’t spare him just to babysit Kirk.”

“That isn’t it and you know it.”

“Do I?  Anyone who has be around those two for any length of time can see it.”

“I want him on my ship.”

“Get in line, Chris.  Everyone wants him.” 

“Yeah, but he’s requested Enterprise.” 

“I’ve got footprints across my back with all of the people going over my head on this one.  Why now?  What changed?” 

“Let’s just say I have a new understanding of his value.  You’ve been proclaiming the new flagship’s potential on the front line, wanting Enterprise to take point for first contact.  We’ll be out there making discoveries.  You want your best out there.  You’ve seen what McCoy can do from an isolated ‘fleet lab, just think what he could do on the front line of research and discovery.” 

Barnett grudgingly conceded the point.  Pike knew he was wavering.

 

oOo

After a week in the hospital, Jim found himself back to his life and back in Marlena’s bed.  But Jim’s rhythm was off.  He knew how to do this.  It was usually as second nature as breathing.  But tonight he couldn’t seem to find his pace.  He was distracted and it showed.

Marlena pushed him off of her, “What’s up with you tonight?”

Jim sighed.  He sat up and ran his hand through his hair.

“I’m sorry, Babe.  I guess I’m just kinda out of it tonight.”

She sat up beside Jim and snuggled into his side, nuzzling his neck until he put his arm around her.  “That’s ok.  Let’s just get some sleep.”

“Yeah.” They lay down together and Jim turned on his side and pulled her into his body.  She turned and pressed herself back into his chest until they were spooning.  This position never failed to bring to mind sleeping with Bones.  He liked when he was in Marlena’s position and he could sleep with Bones along his back with his cock pressed against his ass.  He usually slept soundly when Bones held him in his arms. 

This was nice too.  He did feel a deeper sense of intimacy with Marlena.  Getting to know her, sharing the things they had in common, but something still felt flat.  Maybe it was him.  Maybe he really wasn’t geared towards long term relationships.  Frankly, his friendship with Bones was the longest relationship he had ever had outside of maybe his brother.  And that hadn’t ended well, either.

As nice as the sex was, Jim still found himself longing to feel large strong hands on him.  What the fuck was wrong with him?  If you were lucky enough to find love you should hang onto it, so why had he pushed it away?  Run from it?  Why was he lying here beside a beautiful woman and thinking about Bones?  This should have been everything he wanted, but it wasn’t.  Jim knew he owed Marlena more than this, but he just didn’t have it to give.  This relationship had been doomed to fail from the start because Jim was holding something back.  Something that belonged only to Bones.

 

oOo

The test itself was a cheat.

Jim had had plenty of time to think lying in his hospital bed.  Bones was notoriously cautious and he’d refused to release him until he was sure Jim wouldn’t relapse.  So he’d focused on the Maru and he’d come to a decision.  He’d decided drastic times required drastic measures. 

There had to be a way to win.  Otherwise what was the fucking point?

He didn’t want any fucking participation medal, he wanted to win and once his decision was made he found himself with a renewed sense of purpose. 

 

oOo

**Stardate 2258.40 (February 9, 2258)**

“Bones, get that thing out of my face.” 

Len ignored him and continued to run the tricorder over Jim.  “I don’t trust you to tell me the truth.”

“Fine,” Jim said clearly irked.

Len read the display.  Jim hadn’t been lying, he had been eating and his vitals were within the norm, albeit the low end of the norm for him.

“You need more protein.”

“That’s all you’re going to say?  No, ‘good job’, or ‘I was wrong, Jim’?”

“You need more vegetables, not sweets.”  Len reached over and took the cookie off of Jim’s tray and replaced it with a salad.  Jim scowled.  Secretly he had missed this, but he wasn’t going to make it easy on Bones, he would be disappointed if Jim didn’t defy him and allow him to go all doctory on him.  He allowed Bones to move ahead of him in line and grabbed a brownie behind his back and hid it under his napkin.

“I saw that.” 

Jim looked up guiltily at Bones’ back, “No you didn’t.”

“Didn’t need to.  Put it back.”

Jim did and Bones never turned around.  He should probably be worried that Bones knew him so well, but it just gave him a warm fuzzy feeling.

When they reached the end of the line Len relented and selected a slice of carrot cake and put it on Jim’s tray.  Maybe something small and not too sweet.  He just frowned at Jim’s huge smile, yeah he was a fucking pushover, but Len was just happy that Jim was healthy and they were able to spend time together as friends again.  He helped himself to a slice of cake as well to celebrate.

They were even able to civilly mention their girlfriends without worrying about hurting the others’ feelings.  It was what it was and it was time they had accepted it.  Would it ever be easy?  Probably not, but he would take it for now.

Jim was brighter than Len had seen him in a long time.

They were coming down the steps to the quad and Len just couldn’t help bringing it up.

He eyed Jim suspiciously, “Why are you so happy?” 

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Jim feigned ignorance.

“No, I don’t suppose you do,” he grumbled.

“Hellllooo, Ladies.” Jim followed the short skirts appreciatively, but tore his eyes away from the gaggle of female cadets to address Bones, “I’m taking the test again.”

“You gotta be kidding.”

“Yeah, tomorrow morning and I want you there.”

“You know, I’ve got better things to do than watch you embarrass yourself for a third time.  I’m a doctor, Jim.  I’m busy.”

“Bones, it doesn’t bother you that no one’s ever passed the test?”

“Jim, it’s the Kobayashi Maru.  No one passes the test.  And no one goes back for seconds, let alone thirds.”

“I gotta study.”  Jim slapped Len’s shoulder and headed off across the quad toward the dorms.

“Study, my ass.” Len grumbled as he headed off toward the clinic.

 

oOo

“What are you doing here, Jim?” Gaila asked curiously when she opened the door to find Jim leaning against the door jam.  He exuded a relaxed sexuality that she could smell on him.

Jim moved past her into the small room noting that her roommate was out.  “Marlena is getting too clingy.  I just don’t think it’s going to work out.”

“That is not what I meant and do not be silly, of course it will not work with her.  What I meant, is why do you not seek out your doctor?”

“Because he’s not as pretty as you are.”

“You are an incorrigible flirt, and of course he is.”  She looked him up and down, “But I am glad you came to me.  I have missed you Jim.”

Her pheromones were wrapping around him and increasing his arousal.  “I’ve missed you too, G.”

 

Jim slid up the Orion’s green body her skin warm and responsive against his.  This was what he needed to settle him, take his mind off of the Maru, Marlena, everything.

Jim was understandably distracted when she said, “I think I love you.” 

He struggled to arrange the words into a meaningful context.  Did Gaila just say what he thought she said?

“That is _so_ weird.”  It _was_ weird to hear it from Gaila, but he probably shouldn’t have said it.  He knew she struggled with understanding human expressions of emotions. 

“Lights!”

Gaila shoved him off of her and he stood baffled by her bed.  His mind was still clouded by pheromones and he was about to respond when the door signaled its opening.  Gaila pushed him down, forcing Jim under the bed and he found himself watching Uhura undress.  Daaammnn.  She was fine.  His eyes traveled up the length of her leg as she pulled off her uniform.

“Klingons …. prison planet…. large Romulan ship.”

Say what?  Jim started listening in again until Uhura realized he was in the room.

Jim shoved her report to the back of his mind as he quickly gathered his clothes and was unceremoniously shoved out into the busy dorm hallway.  Not for the first time, Jim hopped around on one foot trying to get into his reds to the sound of catcalls.  He took his victory bow and headed home with a spring in his step.

Well, there was always Marlena.

Yeah, he was a dog.  Why try to deny it now?

 

oOo

**Stardate 2258.41 (February 10, 2258)**

“We are receiving a distress signal from the U.S.S. Kobayashi Maru.  The ship has lost power and is stranded.  Starfleet Command has ordered us to rescue them.”  Uhura didn’t even try to hide the contempt that was evident by the boredom in her tone.

“Starfleet has ordered us to rescue them – Captain.”  Jim insisted, taking pleasure in provoking her by demanding her use of his honorary title, knowing that here, she had to obey his orders.

Len rolled his eyes then focused on the data on his console.  “Two Klingon vessels have entered the Neutral Zone and are locking weapons on us.”

“That’s okay,” Jim responded blandly.

“That’s okay?”  McCoy raised an eyebrow in confusion and looked back at Jim.

“Yeah, don’t worry about it.” 

Whispers were heard from all corners of the bridge:

   “Did he say ‘Don’t worry about it’?”

   “He’s not taking this seriously!”

   “What’s he doing…?” 

Jim tried to ignore his crew’s whispers, but couldn’t help the brilliant jackass smile at their shock.

Len was more concerned with what was appearing on his screen, “Three more Klingon warbirds decloaking and targeting our ship.”  He turned to look at Jim, “I don’t suppose this is a problem either?”

“They’re firing, Captain.  All of them.”  The cadet manning tactical was no longer amused.

Jim directed Uhura, “Alert medical bay to prepare to receive all crew members from the damaged ship.” 

“And how do you expect us to rescue them when we’re surrounded by Klingons, _Captain_?” Uhura bit out the honorific.

Uhura’s insolent pronunciation of “Captain” gave Len a small thrill of pleasure.  God, he loved that woman.  She knew how to keep Kirk in his place.  Her disdain was evident in her body language and tone.  He was having a hard time keeping his focus on monitoring his console with the show going on behind him.

“ _Alert medical._ ”  Uhura swung back around in disgust, her ponytail describing a wide arc behind her.

Alarms began to sound.  McCoy consulted his instrumentation.

“Our ship’s being hit.  Shields at sixty percent,” he informed dutifully.

“I understand.”  Kirk reached down into chair beside him and retrieved an apple.

“Should we, I dunno,” McCoy looked at Kirk over his right shoulder, “fire back?”  

“No.”  Kirk bit into the apple.

Len had no idea what the hell was happening.  “Of course not,” he muttered.

Suddenly all of the ship’s systems stuttered.  The glitch caused the lights to flash off momentarily before powering up again.  There was general confusion among the cadets on the sim floor and the instructors in the observation booth.  

Len’s eyes travel across his screens as each winked out before correcting themselves.  He looked to Jim who was casually eating his apple as he spun around in the Captain’s chair.

When the systems were back online his only comment was, “Hmm.”  He swung around to face the tactical command console, “Arm photons and prepare to fire on the Klingon warbirds.” 

“Yes, sir.” Tactical cadet responded.

Len gritted his teeth.  That fucking apple was grating on his nerves. 

“Jim, their shields are still up,” he turned and addressed him personally. 

Jim looked at his apple.  “Are they?” He said before taking a huge bite, implying that he knew what was going to happen next.

McCoy turned back to his console.

He couldn’t believe his eyes.  He had to check his readings twice to be certain, but fuck, the attacking ship’s shields were down.  “No, they’re not,” he said in disbelief.

“Fire on all enemy ships,” Jim ordered.  “One photon each should do, let’s not waste ammunition.” 

“Target locked and acquired on all warbirds,” Tactical cadet responded gleefully, “firing.”

Jim made a shooting motion at the forward screen with his fingers while chewing.

Uhura sat dumbfounded at the sight of the exploding Klingon ships. 

“All ships destroyed, Captain.”

“Begin rescue of the stranded crew,” Jim directed to Uhura. 

He pushed himself out of the command chair and started to pace the bridge.  “So.  We’ve managed to eliminate all enemy ships, no one on board was injured, and,” Jim slapped Len on the shoulder as he passed, “the successful rescue of the Kobayashi Maru crew is under way.”  Jim took one more gigantic bite and stood looking smugly up at the observation deck crunching his apple. 

“How the hell did that kid beat your test?”  The course instructor turned to look at the Vulcan behind him.

“I do not know,” Spock answered.

Spock turned to Pike.  “Well you better figure it out, Commander.”  Because it was blatantly obvious that Kirk had done something.

“Yes, Sir.”

Pike watched as the lights on the stage below came up and the crew quietly filed into the hall where they then erupted into cheers. 

It was obvious to everyone present that Kirk had somehow subverted the exam, but they chose instead to celebrate the fact that someone finally beat the fabled Kobayashi Maru.  All that mattered tonight was that one of them had finally triumphed.

 

That night Jim and his “crew” painted the town red.  They started an epic pub crawl that managed to collect half the senior class of the academy.  No one could believe that Kirk had mastered the Kobayashi Maru.  They all wanted to buy him a drink and Jim was quite happy to oblige. 

It was probably the best night Len and Jim had had in a long time.  Jim kept him close and there was a real feeling of comradery that had been missing lately from their relationship.  Len was reluctant to bring it to an end and call it a night, but he could see that Jim had reached his limit.  It was time to get him back to the dorm.  Jim was barely able to walk and Len was having his own difficulties, but somehow they managed to make it back to their room where they collapsed into their bunks.  As Len drifted to sleep he realized it was the first time they had shared the room since before Christmas.

 

oOo

“It wasn’t even subtle, it was one giant ‘Fuck You’ to the Academy,” Barnett barely paused for breath.

Pike stood ramrod straight in front of Barnett’s desk as he dressed him down.  He hated being called on the carpet because of some insolent cadet’s actions.  The fact that it was Jim Kirk was causing him to do a slow burn.

“Do you really think this kid has what it takes to command?  You’ve stuck your neck out for him, Chris.  Hell, he didn’t even bother trying to hide his subroutine and we all know his hacking skills are better than that.  In fact, if we’d ever been able to trace the numerous instances we believe were his work to him, he would’ve been washed out a long time ago.  So I have to ask myself, why did he make such a show of it this time?

“I’ve looked through Kirk’s psych evaluations.  I thought he was past the grandstanding.  He’s proved himself here time and again.  Everyone knows he can do the work, but there are a number of very influential people who don’t like him because of his arrogance.  This type of grandstanding just supports their view that he’s a loose cannon.  If he can’t be controlled here, in this strict environment, how can we control him out there where there’s little real supervision?  Why should we put him in any position of authority?”

Barnett waited and Pike realized he was waiting for an answer this time.

“You aren’t.  You are putting him under my supervision.  I will beat the arrogant out of him if I have to.”

“After this stunt.  He may find himself on a shuttle back to Riverside, not the Enterprise.”

Pike was pissed.  What the fuck had Kirk been thinking?  He wanted nothing more than to kick the kid’s ass back to Riverside himself, but he really didn’t want him thrown out.  Unfortunately he no longer had a say in the matter because Barnett had told him to stand down, that he would handle it personally. 

“You’re dismissed, Captain.”

As Pike was leaving he heard Barnett punch his intercom, “Tell Komack to convene a Board of Inquiry for tomorrow.  Mandatory attendance.”

Well, fuck.

 

oOo

**Stardate 2258.42 (February 11, 2258)**

They had been woken by their comms announcing a campus wide muster that indicated all cadets were to report to the auditorium at 0900hrs, no exceptions. 

“What the fuck!?”

“I don’t know, but you better get your ass outta bed, Princess.”  Len groaned as he rolled out of bed, “I got a feelin’ you’re gonna be the guest of honor.”

“Huh?”  Jim’s memory slowly returned, “Oh, yeah.  Right.  Then I guess I better look my prettiest.”  He batted his big blue eyes at Len.

“I’d settle for cognizant at this point.” Len said as he roughly stabbed Jim with a detox hypo before doing the same to himself.

“Ouch!  Fuck.  Watch it with those damn things.”  Jim rubbed at the sore spot on his neck, “I think you enjoy that too damn much.”

“Oh, yeah, it really makes my day.”  Len threw Jim’s uniform pants at his head, “Don’t be such an infant.” 

They continued bickering as they hurriedly dressed and grabbed coffee on their way out the door.  Just like old times.  Len would have welcomed that feeling if he wasn’t dreading what was coming next.

 

Jim and Len entered the auditorium and surveyed the red sea of cadets “Come on, let’s find a seat.” 

Len followed Jim slowly towards the front of the room where they found two seats together in the middle.  When they were seated he studied the two podiums facing the dais which was set with fourteen chairs and looked suspiciously like a court room.  It looked like an inquest.

“I have a bad feeling about this.”


	5. Chapter Four

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter takes place during the 2009 Star Trek movie.

**Stardate 2258.42 (Thursday, February 11, 2258)**

“This session has been called to resolve a troubling matter.  James T. Kirk step forward.”

Jim met Bones’ eyes as he stood.  They both knew this could go very badly, very quickly.

“Cadet Kirk, evidence has been submitted to this council suggesting that you violated the ethical code of conduct pursuant to regulation 17.43 of the Starfleet code.  Is there anything you care to say before we begin, sir?”

All of Len’s worst fears were confirmed when Barnett basically accused Jim of cheating.  He watched Jim at the podium as he confronted the Vulcan professor as the entire Academy looked on.  They were going to make him an example.  The idiot should have known better.  If it was anyone else it would have been a slap on the wrist, but not James T. Kirk.  Too many people wanted to see him fail to pass up this opportunity.  Too many people were afraid of Jim’s intelligence, of his ambition, of his competition.

“I don’t think you like the fact I beat your test.”

“You failed to divine the purpose of the test.”

“Enlighten me again.”  There was an edge of barely suppressed anger in Jim’s voice. 

Len hoped he kept it under control.  It wouldn’t do to antagonize a Commander in front of the entire Academy Board of Regents.  Len frowned and looked over the dais again, well, not entire, there was one chair empty and the Commandant of Students was noticeably absent.  Had Pike been ordered away or was he so angry he’d chosen to step back?  Either option didn’t bode well for Jim.  Len focused even harder on what was being said, the acoustics in the auditorium were good, but slightly muffled, he didn’t want to miss a word.

“The purpose is to experience fear in the face of certain death, to accept that fear, and maintain control of one’s self and one’s crew.  This is a quality expected in every Starfleet captain.”

If that was what Spock was trying to teach Jim, he’d already learned that lesson.  Len suspected that Jim had faced fear and certain death long before he had attended the Academy.  There wasn’t much more the Vulcan’s simulation could teach Jim about accepting fear and remaining in control. 

Len was curious at what Jim’s reaction would be and he waited like the rest of the room for his response. 

“Excuse me, Sir.” 

The proceeding was interrupted by an aide and Barnett looked over the PADD he’d been handed before addressing the room.

“We have received a distress call from Vulcan.  With our primary fleet engaged in the Laruentian system, I hear by order all Cadets to report to Hangar One immediately.  Dismissed.”

Everyone stood and started to file out of the room as Len made his way to the front and to Jim’s side.

“Who was that pointy-eared bastard?” Jim asked in disgust.

“I don’t know, but I like him.”  Len couldn’t help the sarcastic dig.  Served Jim right for thinking he could get away with something as stupid as cheating.

“Seriously, who the fuck does he think he is?”

“Come on Jim, we gotta go.”  Len pulled Jim along, following the red sea of humanity heading to the shuttle hangars located at the edge of campus.

Jim continued to fume, “Who the fuck is he to lecture me on fear?”

Anger had loosened Jim’s tongue and Len wasn’t about to interrupt him.  Instead he guided him forward and allowed Jim to vent.  Better now than on the bridge of the Enterprise where he suspected they would be seeing the Vulcan again.

When Jim’s invective slowed, Len broached a question of his own.  “What do you think the emergency is?”

Jim wanted to answer sarcastically, but he cast his mind back through his studies.  What _would_ cause Vulcan to issue a distress call on a planet wide level?  They had no weapons, but they were not without their defenses.  Had they been attacked?  Jim’s focus shifted to the rescue mission ahead.  He needed to clear his mind.

They queued up with the other cadets in the hangar and listened as the Officer of the Deck called out their duty stations.

“McCoy, Enterprise.”

His heart thumped hard in his chest.  Enterprise. 

“All right cadets report to your shuttles.  Welcome to Starfleet.  Godspeed.”

“They didn’t call my name.” 

Len turned to see Jim’s confused expression as he headed off after the officer.

Len looked around concerned.  Surely that wasn’t right.  He watched as Jim tagged after the Commander with the assignment PADD, torn between following and heading to his assigned shuttle, they had been told to board immediately.  He decided to follow Jim instead and caught up with him in time to overhear the Commander’s response.

“Kirk, you’re on academic suspension.   That means you’re grounded until the Academy board rules.”

+

Jim was stunned, speechless. He turned slowly in a complete circle, uncertain what to do next.  He felt lost in the middle of the shuttle bay, not registering any of the chaos going on around him. 

What the fuck just happened?  Everything, EVERYTHING, just fucking fell apart. 

His life had just imploded and he was skipping straight over anxiety and sliding quickly into shock.  He couldn’t seem to process what was happening around him.  His only thought was that Bones was going into space without him.  He was startled by Bones speaking at his elbow.

“Jim, the Board will rule in your favor, most likely.  Look Jim, I gotta go.”  Jim turned to face Bones, who looked like he was torn between staying with Jim and doing his duty.  That wouldn’t do.

“Yeah.  Yeah, you go, be safe.” 

+

Jim tried hard to make the smile sincere as they shook hands, but Len could tell he was trying too hard. 

Len turned and walked away but only made it about twenty yards before coming to a stop.  He couldn’t leave with just a handshake.  He wasn’t supposed to be doing this without Jim.  He couldn’t just walk away and leave him behind.  It had always been about Jim, he was the only reason Len was out here in the first damn place and not ensconced in a safe office in medical. 

Even if he wasn’t assigned to Enterprise in the future, he was now and he wasn’t going without Jim, who deserved to be there more than any of them.  Besides, he’d sworn to the man that he would never leave him.  He couldn’t leave him behind.  The psychiatrist part of him recognized that it would be more detrimental to Jim’s mental health than any damned administrative reprimand could ever be. 

“Dammit,” he muttered angrily as he returned to Jim and took him by the arm.  “Come on.”

Jim was startled to suddenly find himself being dragged along beside the doctor to a medical storage facility where Bones donned a medkit and grabbed several hypos. 

“I’m doin’ you a favor.  I couldn’t just leave you there lookin’ all pathetic.” 

Len was aware that they needed to board the shuttle immediately and that it would be a short trip to the ship, he needed something with symptoms that would manifest quickly.  He sorted through the vials until he found one that would work.  Hopefully.  Jim’s damn system never presented as expected, he just hoped it would be enough for his purposes as shot the kid full of chemicals he knew would wreak havoc on Jim’s finicky immune system. 

Jim rubbed his sore neck.  “You call this a favor?”

“Yeah, you owe me one.”

Then he tried to reconcile the “do no harm” ethical standard of his hippocratic oath with the truism that sometimes things had to get worse before they got better and dragged Jim toward the shuttle that was preparing to depart for Enterprise.

The attendant at the door scanned Jim, “Kirk, James T.”  Then addressed McCoy who was sagging under Jim’s full weight.  “He’s not cleared for duty aboard the Enterprise.”

Len yanked Jim upright again and forced the hard edge of authority into his voice, “Medical code states that treatment and transport of a patient is to be determined at the discretion of his attending physician.  Which is me.  So I’m taking Mr. Kirk aboard, or would you like to explain to Captain Pike why the Enterprise warped into a crisis without one of its senior medical officers?”  He paused.

“As you were.”

“As _you_ were.”

“Come on.” Jim staggered and Bones yanked him up straight with one strong arm under his and directed him to the doorway of the last shuttle headed to Enterprise.

Once they were seated, Jim couldn’t help but echo Bones’ first words to him, “I may throw up on you.” 

The irony wasn’t lost on the doctor as he found his eyes drawn to the sight outside of the shuttle view port.  “Look, Jim you gotta look at this.”  Jim was slow to respond.  “Jim, look,” he urged again knowing the younger man wouldn’t want to miss their approach.

“What?” 

He leaned over Bones to look out the port and his symptoms were momentarily forgotten at his first sight of the Enterprise.  “Wow.”  She was beautiful hanging in space dock. 

Len realized how large the ship was as their shuttle was quickly dwarfed by the nacelles as it maneuvered for a landing in the shuttle bay.  Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad.  He could probably pretend he was on a space station or something.

As they exited the shuttle, he looked around the bay at the number of cadets and crew members heading for the turbolifts.  “We need to get you changed.”

“I don’t feel right, I feel like I’m leaking.”

“Look out, there’s that pointy eared bastard,” Len maneuvered Jim around a large cargo container before guiding him through the ship, attempting to avoid any of the other senior officers in the halls, anyone who might recognize him.

 

oOo

All cadets were being directed to the Quartermaster’s office on deck 15 for processing.

Len placed his hand on the bioscanner.

“McCoy, Leonard H., Lieutenant Commander, Medical,” The quartermaster recited as another petty officer replicated the appropriate uniform. 

Len didn’t think he was imagining the shift in the quartermaster’s attitude as he realized the doctor’s rank and he respectfully recited, “You are being issued one duty uniform and a PADD loaded with your shift and housing assignments.  Anything else that you might need will be handled once we’re under way and the mission necessitates.” 

As he pressed his thumb to the receipt PADD Len tilted his head in Jim’s direction where he leaned against the wall beside the counter, pale and sweaty.  “He’s going to need a uniform, too.”

The quartermaster quickly scanned Jim and frowned.  “Kirk, James T., Cadet – he’s not cleared for duty.” 

“It’s not like he’s a damn stowaway,” Len answered angrily.  “He’s a patient in medbay.”

“Then get him a johnny or some scrubs from medical.”  The quartermaster looked past the doctor to address the next cadet in line, but Len didn’t move.

“He needs some damn clothes.  Can’t you just issue him a utility uniform?”

The man sighed and typed in a couple of more inquiries into his computer terminal.

Len tried to hurry the process along.  “The longer this takes the more likely he is to christen your new space for you, if you get my drift.”

Jim took the hint and groaned, “I don’t feel so good, Doc.”

The quartermaster jabbed at the replicator control panel.  “Here.”  He hastily shoved a pile of clothing at Len who sorted through it all, his own duty uniform was there and there was an extra pair of utility pants and a black duty undershirt for Jim, but no gold command tunic.  It would do for now.

“Sign here,” he thrust the PADD into Jim’s shaky hands.  Jim pressed his thumb to the bioscanner and handed it back.  The quartermaster looked disgusted.

“I’d disinfect that if I were you,” Jim added as a parting shot.

“What’s he got, Doc?  Is he contagious?”

“Only if stupid is contagious.”  Len shouldered Jim’s weight and steered him back through the crowd and into the corridor.

 

The turbolift door closed and they were alone for the short ride to deck 6.

“What I wanna know is how come it’s me draggin’ your ass into trouble this time?  This is usually your job.”

Jim swallowed thickly, “Guess I’m rubbing off on you.”  He tried his damnedest to give Len his patented leer, but it just came off looking sickly. 

As the doors slid open, Len gave him an indulgent smile and shook his head, “Come on, Sunshine.”

They passed several empty labs before Len pulled up short.  “Wait, in here.”  Jim stumbled along beside him.  “We need to get you changed.”

Normally Jim would be all for that, but it didn’t sound like Bones meant it in a fun way.  God, he needed to throw up.

Len quickly divested Jim of his reds.  He looked away from the large expanse of bare skin before him and dug around for Jim’s new uniform.

“Why?” Jim asked quietly.

“Why what?”

“Why’d you come back for me?”

“Told you, I couldn’t leave you there lookin’ all pathetic.  ‘Sides, I promised.”  Len manhandled Jim until he was standing, he couldn’t help the groan that escaped at the sudden change of position.

Len sighed, “I’m sorry, Jim.  This was all I could think of.”

“No, I’m good.  Really.”  He was quiet while Bones pulled his shirt over his head, ignoring the fingers that brushed across his bare skin.

“Hang onto me.” 

Len crouched down in front of Jim and held a pant leg steady so Jim could get one leg in before doing the same with the other as Jim clung to his shoulders.  He stood, pulling the pants up with him, trying to ignore the how close his face was to Jim’s crotch.  He pulled the pants up and, ever the gentleman, ran a precautionary hand down into the front of Jim’s pants making sure that he was safely tucked inside before pulling up the zipper.  He had heard too many horror stories in the ER to just yank anyone’s zipper up without checking first. 

Jim still had a death grip on him and he looked up into the electric blue eyes boring into his, conscious that it would be so easy to just lean forward and press his lips to Jim’s.  They were so close.  So temptingly close, but Len was uncomfortably aware that the sheen of sweat on Jim’s upper lip had nothing to do with arousal and was reminded of where they were and what they were doing.

He knew Jim was sick when there was no attempt at flirting or innuendo, but Len couldn’t help the irrational flash of fear that maybe Jim just wasn’t interested anymore.  Jim seemed to read his mind and made a half-hearted attempt at a smirk, but it only ended in an apology.

“Sorry, Bones.  I promise the next time you get me naked I’ll make sure to ask you to fuck me.”

There was the jackass he loved so much.  Len chuckled and refused to examine his relief as the intercom announced:

_All decks, this is Captain Pike, prepare for immediate departure._

 

oOo

As Enterprise cleared space dock Len pulled Jim into medbay, now wearing black utility pants and a duty undershirt while Len was still in reds. 

“Where are we?”

“Medical bay.”  Jim stiffened against him and he was reminded of the kid’s hatred of doctors and hospitals.  “A little suffering’s good for the soul.”  Len winced internally as the thoughtless comment left his lips and was grateful that Jim didn’t seem to register the tactless remark.

Instead, Jim turned in Len’s arms and attempted to follow a pretty nurse who walked by.

“Hi!  How are you - .”  He left the sentence open hoping she would fill in her name. 

Len yanked him back around.  “Come here,” he said gruffly and bit back the ‘dammit’ he wanted to add, aware of where they now were as he dragged Jim to the closest biobed and sat him down.

Jim looked up at him wide eyed and a little loopy.  “My mouth is itchy.  Is that normal?”

“Well, those symptoms won’t last long.  I’m going to give you a mild sedative.”  That was all the warning Jim got before Len stabbed him a little too roughly with a hypo, not proud of the fact that Jim’s somehow managing to flirt with someone else made him pissy.

“I wish I didn’t know you.”  Jim rubbed at his sore neck.

“Don’t be such an infant.”

“How long is it supposed to…,” Jim didn’t finish the sentence as he fell back on the bed unconscious.

Len shook his head, “Unbelievable,” and yanked the privacy curtain around Kirk’s bed.

Christine was standing nearby watching him.

“About time you got here.  What took you so long, or do I really need to ask?”  She gave the curtain a significant look.

“Jim’s not feeling well.”

“I’ll bet.”  She narrowed her eyes at Len, “What are you two up to?”

“Why Nurse Chapel, you are the suspicious sort aren’t you.”

She snorted, “I just know the two of you are usually up to no good.  I was at the hearing, too, you know.”

“Shhh,” Len hushed her and looked around the bay.  “The less said about that right now, the better.”

She just shook her head.  “Well, whatever it is, leave me out of it.”

“Gladly.”  He preferred to keep the Jim parts of his life separate from the Christine parts of his life.  Unfortunately, that might prove difficult to do with all of them on the same ship.

 

Once Jim was settled and his intake paperwork was completed, Len changed into his uniform and went in search of his commanding officer.  He found the stocky, balding man in the supply room.

“Doctor Puri, Lieutenant Commander McCoy reporting for duty, sir.”  He stood at attention. 

“At ease, Doctor.  Glad to have you aboard.  We’re under the gun here, grab a PADD.”  He indicated a stack of PADD’s on a nearby counter.  “We weren’t expecting to see duty until after our christening, so, needless to say, Medbay is at a disadvantage.  We’re not fully stocked and we aren’t anywhere near ready to support a crew the size we have currently and I’m trying to play catch up.” 

They established a comfortable routine with Len reading the items on the shelves and Puri accounting for them on the inventory PADD. 

“I probably could have delegated this task to one of the nurses, but I’m afraid I’m a bit of a control freak.”  He snuck a sideways look at Len perhaps trying to gauge his reaction, “I hear we’re alike in that respect.”

Len acknowledged the comment easily.  “I don’t blame you.  I prefer to establish my own inventory at least the first time, that way there are no unknowns.  Especially when I’m not familiar with the staff yet.” 

“Very prudent, Doctor.”  They worked in tandem for a few more minutes before Puri addressed him again. 

“I’m also glad to have the chance to see what all the ruckus is about first hand.”

“Sir?”

“You, McCoy.  People seem to have some very strong opinions about you.”

“Yes, sir.  I seem to inspire them,” he stated ruefully.

“So I’ve seen.  Care to explain the only patient currently occupying medbay?”

Len was aware that his little stunt could end up prejudicing the ship’s CMO against him.  He was going to have to be careful from here on out and handle everything by the book if he didn’t want this to come back and bite him in the ass.

“Yes, sir.  Cadet Kirk is under my care.  I couldn’t leave him behind.”

 _May I have your attention please, …_  

An announcement came over the ship wide communications channel.

Puri gave him a stern look, “We’ll revisit this later, Doctor.”

“Yes, sir.”  Len breathed a sigh of relief at the timely interruption.  He hated having his medical decisions second guessed in the best of times, but when he was clearly abusing his privileges, it could be a real bitch.

_… at tventy-two hundred hours telemetry detected an anomaly in ze neutral zone, what appeared to be a lightning storm in space.  Soon after, Starfleet received a distress signal from ze Wulcan high command zat zeir planet was experiencing seismic actiwity.  Our mission is to assess ze condition of Wulcan and assist in ewacuations if necessary.  We should be arriving at Wulcan within 3 minutes.  Sank you for your time._

_“… lightning storm in space,” Pike’s voice intoned as he looked around at the dissertation defense committee._

Jim blinked his eyes open and squinted at the bright lights. He stared up, unseeing, at the unfamiliar ceiling and monitors. 

_“… lightning storm in space,” an accented voice stated calmly in the mission briefing._

Jim struggled out of the cobwebs of his dream about the Kelvin and the final recording of his father’s command.  George Kirk’s words melded into Pike’s voice reading his dissertation then into the officer’s voice announcing the storm.

He sat bolt upright on the bed.  Len noticed and started to approach. 

“Lightning storm,” Jim murmured.

“Ah, Jim, you’re awake.  How do you feel?  Good God, man!”

“What?”  He followed Bones’ eyes and looked down.  “Ahh, what the hell’s this!?”  He stared at his grossly swollen hands.

“A reaction to the vaccine, dammit.  Nurse Chapel, I need 50cc’s of cortisone!”

“Yes, Sir!”

Jim stumbled over to the comm terminal and clumsily pressed the touch screen with his oversized finger.  He watched the replay of Chekov’s briefing as Len administered an injection and scanned him.  Frantic he grabbed Len’s face, “We gotta to stop the ship!”

 

Puri addressed Chapel, “Nurse what the hell is going on?”

“It’s Cadet Kirk, Sir, he’s suffering from a severe allergic reaction to a vaccination.” 

“Delusions?”  Puri considered Kirk’s frenzied response as McCoy chased him down and attempted to keep him from leaving medbay.  “Do you think I should request a security back up?”

Christine hesitated, “I don’t think it’s required.  Dr. McCoy has experience dealing with Cadet Kirk.  He should be able to handle him. 

Puri regarded her and weighed her response.  “Please bring me Kirk’s file.”

“Yes, Sir.”

She returned with the PADD and cued up Kirk’s patient file and handed it to Puri who gave it a quick scan.  “Melvaren Mud Fleas?  To what end?” he mumbled as he scanned the sparse entry.  “Nurse, please send McCoy in to see me as soon as he returns and has Kirk sorted out.”

“Yes, sir.”

Puri returned to inventorying the medication supply and Christine was left to wonder what the hell was going on with Kirk now. 

 

oOo

On the bridge Len was trying to mitigate the potential damage as Jim ranted about lightning in space. 

“Captain this man’s under the influence of a severe reaction to a vaccine.”

“Bones!” Jim tried to interrupt.

“He’s completely delusional and I take full responsibility.”

“Bones.”  Jim started to speak over him, “Vulcan is not experiencing a natural disaster. It’s being attacked by Romulans.”

“Romulans.”  Pike’s voice took on a hard edge, “Cadet Kirk I think you’ve had enough attention for one day.  McCoy, take him back to medical.  We’ll have words later.”  

“Aye, Captain.” Len tried to maneuver Jim back towards the corridor, but he pushed past him and into Pike’s space.

“It’s not a rescue mission this means an attack.  We’re warping into an attack. The Romulans will be waiting for us, I _promise_ you that.”

Pike considered Kirk’s explanation and Spock’s concession before calmly taking his seat and ordering, “Shields up.  Red alert.”

“Arrival at Vulcan in five seconds,” Sulu stated.

They braced themselves for whatever lay ahead, but nothing could have prepared them for what they saw when Enterprise dropped out of warp amidst the remnants of the fleet.

There were shouts all over the bridge:

“Emergency evasive.”

“Deflector shields are holding.”

“All stations, Engineer Holson report.”

“Drop us down underneath it, Sulu,” Pike directed as they were faced with the remains of one of their sister ships.  

But all conversation came to an abrupt halt when Enterprise pulled out of its dive to be confronted by the chilling imaged of a monstrous ship.  The ship was a conglomeration of appendages and protrusions that gave it the look of a many tentacled sea creature. 

The bridge was reanimated by Sulu’s next words: “Captain they’re locking torpedoes.”

“Divert auxiliary power from port nacelles to forward shields,” Pike barked as the ship rocked from a direct hit.

“Sulu, staus report.”

“Shields at 32%.  Weapons are powerful, Sir.  We can’t take another hit like that.”

“All power to forward shields, prepare to fire all weapons.”  When suddenly the assault ceased.

Uhura stood from her station, “Captain we’re being hailed.”

All eyes went to the forward view screen.

“Hello.”  The Romulan’s skull tattoo’s gave him a menacing look, but he addressed them with an excess of civility.  Pike didn’t know what to make of it.

“I’m Captain Christopher Pike, to whom am I speaking?”

“Hi Christopher, I’m Nero.”

Len looked at Jim in alarm.  Jim’s grip on the deck rail had gone white knuckled as he realized who they were speaking to.  He cast Len a grim look before focusing on the face that filled the forward screen. 

“You will man a shuttle, come aboard the Narada for negotiations.  That is all.”

After a contentious discussion of the foolhardiness of following Nero’s request, Pike stated, “Chekov you have the conn,” and strode from the bridge with Spock, Kirk and Sulu in tow.

Len followed them out intending to head to medbay knowing that his services would be needed in the wake of the torpedo attack, but he took the opportunity to scan Jim one last time.

Jim was aware of Bones at his shoulder and the annoying, if familiar, sound of the med scanner he was sweeping over him.  Jim paused at the intersection of two main corridors as Pike, Spock and Sulu continued on. 

“I’m fine, Bones.”  Jim gently pushed the scanner away, his fingers closing over Len’s briefly.

“Are you coming, Cadet?”  Pike called from down the right passageway.

“Yes, sir.”

There was no goodbye.  Jim refused to say goodbye to Bones, so he just walked away.  Len watched for only a moment before turning down the other corridor towards medical.

 

“Mr. Spock, I’m leaving you in command of the Enterprise.  If all else fails, fall back and rendezvous with the fleet in the Laurentian system.”  He turned to Jim, “Kirk, I’m promoting you to first officer.” 

“What?”

“Captain, please.  I apologize, the complexities of human pranks escape me.”  Spock felt like a school boy being taken to task by his instructor.

But Pike was deadly serious, “It’s not a prank Spock and I’m not the Captain, you are.” He turned to Sulu and Kirk, “Let’s go,” and entered the turbolift.

Kirk followed him in and took his place beside his mentor, “Sir, after we knock out that drill, what happens to you.”

“Well,” he chanced a glance at Kirk, “I guess you’ll have to come get me.”  He addressed Spock, “Careful with the ship Spock, she’s brand new.” 

The doors slid shut leaving Spock to contemplate Pike’s illogical use of humor during a time of crisis and if he would ever get used to working with humans.

 

oOo

When the ship went to red alert, Puri instructed his staff to stock the beds and prepare to receive the injured.

Christine went to the supply room and scooped up an armful of linens, she juggled the pile and pushed the drawer shut with her hip then shouldered the control panel on the pneumatic door.  Instead of closing behind her, the door blew outwards throwing her forward, and with her hands full, she fell hard into an xray unit and struck her head.  It took her a moment to comprehend what had happened.  In that moment the atmosphere of the medbay went from quiet, bright and ordered to a dark space filled with fumes and debris and the cries of her crewmates.

The initial blast and explosion, centered in the corridor outside of medical, damaged the outer bulkhead and caused a partial ceiling collapse.  It severed conduits, which left the consoles sparking, and destroyed delicate equipment.  The blast was followed quickly by an explosive decompression which sucked anything loose toward the open hull breach threatening to eject it into open space.  Containment shields were diverted to the breach as the ship’s hull plating immediately began to contain the damage by sealing off the affected compartment.

The artificial atmosphere was briefly compromised.  The oxygen being sucked out into space almost extinguished the fires caused by the severed conduits, but as the ship compensated and oxygen flooded back into the compartment, the small fires reignited quickly, flaring back to life, the smoke and fumes again stealing Christine’s breath away.  The fires triggered the suppression system which sprayed the compartment with a fine powder chemical that extinguished the flames.  The response was swift, but the damage had already been done. 

Christine pushed herself to her knees, dazed, and watched in confusion as a drop of blood appeared on the deck below her.  She looked up for the source of the blood and realized it was her own.  Her head throbbed, the warm liquid trickled down from the gash on her temple as she righted herself and went to work.

 

oOo

 _Engineering Response Team required on deck 6_.  Len listened to Uhura’s calm voice over the ship wide channel as he waited impatiently in the turbolift.  Deck 6 was the medical deck.

The turbolift slowed to a stop, but the doors remained shut.  _Access to deck 6 has been restricted,_ the lift announced.

“Medical override 6-Baker-2-Delta-Charlie,” Len snapped at the computer.

 _Override accepted._  

When the turbolift doors finally opened, Len was assaulted with smoke and the toxic gases of burning synthetics.  He covered his nose with his shirt, his eyes stinging in the smoke and made his way along the blocked corridor.  The passageway to the left was closed off because the compartment had sealed itself, but the ragged hole in the hull was visible through the transparent aluminum.  Len swallowed his own fears and moved forward.

He stopped twice to check the pulse on crewmembers who had been too close to the source of the destruction and tried to keep his eyes off of the large temporary patch which was all that was preventing him and everything around him from being sucked into space.  He tried to have faith in the structural integrity of the fleet’s newest flagship as he crawled among the debris looking for survivors.  The only ones here were the unlucky ones, the others must already have been moved.  Len could just make out the damaged bulkhead of medical ahead. 

“You can’t be here Lieutenant Commander,” an engineer informed him.  “It’s not safe.” 

“I’m a doctor, I need to get to medical.”

The engineer looked him over critically.  “Okay then Doc, follow me,” he said as he led Len into the closest Jeffries tube and up a ladder.  “Watch your head.”

Len had to hunch over to follow the engineer as they moved along between decks through several internal passages which weren’t high enough to stand in.  He eventually led Len down another shaft ladder and he was surprised to find himself in an unaffected corridor and facing the rear entrance to medbay.  The passage was quickly filling with injured crew being carried or helped into medical.

“Thank you, Ensign,” he said hastily.

“Barrows, sir.”

“Barrows, thanks again.”

“Sure thing Doc,” he said, his voice already muffled as he headed back up into the Jeffries tube.

 

Len entered to find the medical staff trying to treat their own as injured crew were already being brought in.  Several nurses had been injured and one of the orderlies had been killed.  It was the worst case disaster scenario, having to triage and treat your own.  Luckily there had been no patients in the bay at the time.  The only recorded patient was currently risking his fool ass somewhere over Vulcan at that very moment.

His mind turned briefly to Jim, but all he had time for was a quick prayer for his safety.  Funny how in times of duress his childhood religious training kicked in and he found himself praying to a God he wasn’t sure even existed.  Better to err on the side of safety.  It was his motto for God’s sake.  Yeah, the irony of that expression wasn’t lost on him, he just didn’t have the time to appreciate it.

As Len moved amid the chaos, he heard shouts for him coming from several directions.  There were injured on the beds and others on the floor, more were being brought in through the doors.  Puri was nowhere to be seen, so Len followed his training and went back to basics.  He ordered the staff to set up a triage station by the door, and assigned personnel to each station. 

When he had a passable routine established he looked around again for Doctor Puri.  He was surprised that he hadn’t seen him yet and no one had mentioned his absence.  He called out to Christine, who was recording patient information on a PADD as crew members came through the door.  “Chris, where’s Puri?” 

She just shook her head and inclined it towards the supply room which was now nearly inaccessible.  The room where he had been working with the doctor earlier inventorying the medication supply.  The room where he would have been if he hadn’t chased Jim to the bridge.

Len had a bad feeling as he pushed his way through the damaged compartment already knowing what he would find.  He had to shift aside ceiling debris to reach Puri and it was merely a formality when he bent to search for a nonexistent pulse, but he was required by regulation to confirm that Puri was deceased.  He grabbed a sheet to cover the body.  Dr. Puri deserved better but there wasn’t much Len could do about it right now.  He would have him transferred to the morgue as soon as he had could, but the living came first.

He was passing the comm panel when the hail from the bridge came in.

_Dr. Puri, report._

“It’s McCoy,” he shouted above the background noise.  “Dr. Puri was on deck 6, he’s dead.”

There was the briefest of pauses before Spock responded, _“Then you have just inherited his responsibility as Chief Medical Officer.”_

“Yeah.  Tell me something I don’t know.”  Damn pointy-eared Vulcan always stating the obvious.

_“Report, Dr. McCoy.”_

“Medbay has sustained significant damage.  The hull breach in corridor six has been sealed, but I’ve got fire suppression powder everywhere and half the damn equipment is a total loss.”  He sighed, “We’ve also lost a significant portion of our medication supply.”

_“Casualties?”_

“Four dead, sixteen injured - that I know of.  Probably gonna be more when engineering can get into the blocked corridor.”

_“Acknowledged.”_

Len flipped the comm off and turned back to his work, moving from bed to bed treating the most serious cases. 

As he stripped off his gloves and prepared to move onto the next patient, Len noticed a bandage on Christine’s forehead and how she seemed to be working on autopilot. 

“Chris, Chris stop for a second.”  He had to grab her by the arm to get her to stand still long enough for him to lift the bandage and get a peek at the wound underneath.

She tried to shrug him off.  “I’m fine.”

“Oh good, ‘cause I don’t hear that enough.”

“Works for Kirk.”

“Doesn’t really work for him.”  He looked at her stubborn expression.  “You want me to treat you like Jim?  Fine, get your ass on that bed.”

Christine thought about disobeying him, but his look told her he wasn’t playing.

“Yes, S _ir_ ,” she said tiredly before she complied.

Len read the biobed monitors and checked her pupil responses.  “Congratulations, Nurse, you have a concussion.”

“I don’t have time for a concussion.”

“You are somethin’, you know that?” He shook his head as he administered a pain reliever.  “But unfortunately, I need you here right now, otherwise I would take you off duty.”  Christine hopped off the bed and headed back to work, “But I’m gonna be watchin’ you.  Hear me?”

“Yeah, yeah, I hear you,” she said over her shoulder.  He didn’t see the small smile. 

He took a moment to watch her as she prepared a female crewmember for transport to the temporary ward in Rec Room Three.  She was strong and resilient and that’s what he loved about her. 

Len knew he needed to keep his eyes on his own staff who were working injured, as well as his patients.  It wasn’t an optimal solution, but it was all he had at the moment. 

 

He didn’t know how much time had passed before he lifted his head again and really took a look around.  The number of new cases had slowed and most of the crew still in the medbay had at least been treated initially. 

Len brushed his sweaty bangs back from his forehead, the usually crisp atmosphere had turned warm and humid.  Ventilation had been affected and it was getting more difficult to breathe.  Engineers were crawling all over the damaged areas adding to the chaos, but he had been assured that the environmental control systems were the highest priority.  As a precaution, patients that would require further treatment or observation were being moved to a repurposed rec room down the corridor from the main medbay.  He couldn’t keep anyone here overnight until repairs were completed and the bay was deemed habitable.

 

They were still dealing with the torpedo victims when Medical was notified to prepare to receive survivors. 

Len flicked the comm button, “Survivors?  From the fleet?”

“From Vulcan.”  There was a pause, “Leonard -” Uhura’s voice broke, her usual composure shattered. 

“Ny, honey, what happened?” Len spoke softly.

“Vulcan.  It’s, it’s gone.”

“What do you mean gone?”

“Nero destroyed it, it’s just gone.”  She took a deep breath and managed to pull herself together.  “Doctor McCoy, prepare to receive the Vulcan survivors.”

The connection closed and Len turned to look out across the stunned faces of his staff.  “You heard the woman, we’re gonna get slammed.  Get moving.”

The bay came back to life as the medical staff started clearing beds, stocking what supplies they had and releasing any patients they could to quarters.  Len set to work reinforcing the sterile field he had established around the damaged section of the bay hoping it would hold as long as it was needed.  They were understaffed and ill equipped, but he would be damned if they would turn away anyone in need.  Not on his watch.

He moved around the bay barking orders and when the first victims arrived they were met with a coordinated and organized medical team.  Len was proud of his people and he would be making sure that Starfleet recognized their efforts.

 

Medical was usually the first division to know what was happening to the ship.  Len had been treating the Vulcan survivors for the better part of an hour before Spock made his ship wide announcement.  Len paused to listen and made a mental note to check on the Acting Captain as soon as he feasibly could. 

Jim entered medbay with an elderly Vulcan woman on his arm.  Len had seen Jim come in and he had done a quick visual assessment and, not seeing anything requiring his immediate attention, something in him settled.  He turned his attention back to his work.

+

Jim had been aware of the damage to deck six, but he hadn’t known that Medical had taken the brunt of the attack.  He was relieved to see Bones uninjured and tending to his patients.  He handed the woman off to one of the nurses and turned to head back to the bridge when Christine Chapel stepped in front of him and blocked his path.

“You need to have someone take a look at that, Kirk,” she indicated his left hand which he had tried to discreetly tuck out of sight. 

“It’s nothing, I’m fine.”

“You want me to tell _him_ that?” Chapel tilted her head towards the table where Bones was tending to an elderly Vulcan man.

“No, he hates that.”  Jim sighed resigned, “I’m sure you can handle it.” 

“I’m sure I can,” she said as she led him to a bed.

Jim sat down reluctantly and held his hand out for her.  Christine’s hands were cool and dry, soft where Bones’ were callused.  They were small, but sure, and Jim couldn’t help watching her work.  She was the kind of woman he had known Bones would be attracted to, sarcastic and strong.  He took a deep breath and released it.

“You ok?”

“Yeah, just tired.  How ‘bout you?” he indicated the bandage on her head.

“It’s nothing.  Just a mild concussion.”

“Bet he loved that.” 

“What can I say, he hates seeing the people he cares for injured.”

Jim looked down at his hand in hers, “Yeah, don’t I know it.  Least with you I’m not going to get a lecture.”  Jim thought about adding ‘and you’re easier on the eyes,’ or ‘I’d rather have _your_ hands on me’ or some such sexual innuendo, but it would have been forced.  He really didn’t feel like joking around with Bones’ girlfriend.

“I wouldn’t count on it.”

He looked up surprised.

“You were just going to leave without having this taken care of.  You have two fractures.  You need time under the osteoregen.”

“I really don’t have time for that, can’t you just wrap it for me?”

“If he found out I let you out of here without taking care of this, he’d give me holy hell.  No way, Kirk.  You’re stuck here while I regen that hand for you, at least the minimum.”

“Fine.  You know you’re just as hard to deal with as he is.”

She beamed, “Thank you.  I’ll take that as a compliment.”

Christine set to work making sure the bones in his hand were set straight then ran the osteoregen over them for the minimum amount of time allowed.  She knew she had cowed Kirk into complying, but she had no illusions that he would sit still for long. 

“Ok, that’ll do for now.  I’ll wrap it to stabilize the repair, but you’ll need to come back and have Dr. McCoy take a look at it when you’re off duty.”

“Dr. McCoy.  Right.  Thanks, Chapel.” 

“I mean it.” 

Jim tossed her a wave as he walked out the door. 

 

oOo

Once the survivors had been seen to, Len took a moment to see to his own health.  He suspected airway irritation because of the burning in his throat and the fact that he was short of breath.  He’d thought it was due to the ventilation issues in medbay, but it could have been the smoke and fumes he’d inhaled earlier exacerbated by the fire suppression chemicals.

Len retreated to a quiet corner of medical, one of the unoccupied labs, and took a moment to catch his breath as he leaned against the counter.  When he had his breathing back under control as best he could under the circumstances, he opened the black case he had placed on the countertop and removed the silver cylindrical med scanner.  He powered it up and started to move it slowly across his chest.

“What are you doing?”

Len’s back stiffened and he flicked the scanner off and returned it to its position in the case and surreptitiously moved a filled hypo out of sight behind it before he turned to face Jim.

“Just calibrating some equipment.”  He took in the haunted look in Jim’s eyes and the bandage on his hand.  “How’s the hand?”

“Hand’s fine.” Jim said in a dismissive tone of voice. 

He looked closely at Bones. “So, CMO huh?”  Jim sensed that congratulations would be unwelcome, so he left it at that. 

Len watched as Jim moved to the counter and picked up the med scanner and read the results.  He knew Jim could interpret the results because he had taught him.  Len had made sure that Jim knew just enough to respond to emergency situations competently, but Jim Kirk had always been an overachiever.

Jim retrieved the hypo and read the label, “Budesonide.  Indicated for pulmonary inflammation.”  He raised it to Len’s neck and waited.  Len stood a moment searching Jim’s eyes before he tilted his head to the side exposing the long muscles of his neck and allowed Jim to administer the hypo.  “Would have been more effective in an inhalation suspension.” 

Len’s labored breathing started to ease and he took a deep, satisfying breath.

“You don’t fuck around with airway damage.  You taught me that.” 

Len took the empty hypo from Jim.  “Thank you for the consult, Dr. Kirk.”

“You need to take care of yourself, Bones.  I need to know you’re safe.  How can I go out and do my job if I don’t.”

“Same way I have to do my job when you’re off God knows where doing God knows what.  Goes both ways, Jim.”

“Touché, Doc.”  He stood with his hands on his hips and looked around the small lab before he focused on Bones again unsure of what else to say, so instead he told Bones why he’d come.  “You’re wanted on the bridge.”

 

On the ride up in turbolift Jim tried to lighten the mood.

“You look really good in blue, Bones.  Sorry…, Lieutenant Commander McCoy.”  He snapped a salute. 

Len gave a tired half-smile.  “At ease…,” he paused uncertainly and frowned.  Jim’s rank hadn’t been conferred because he was technically on academic suspension.  “Cadet,” he finished quietly. 

“Hey, enjoy it while you can old man.  I’m sure I’ll out rank you sooner than you think.”  After all, Bones didn’t know Pike had appointed him First Officer.  It was a position, not a rank, but it was a start.

 

“Ah, Doctor McCoy,” Spock greeted him when the lift doors opened on the bridge.

“Don’t know what you need me for,” Len grumbled.  “I’ve got a bay full of patients that need my attention.”

“As a member of the senior staff your input is required in helping us determine our course of action.”

So Len listened while Jim and Spock argued about meeting up with the fleet while Uhura, Sulu and Chekov looked on.  Spock made the point that they were dealing with a technologically advanced threat.

“Such technology could be used to create a tunnel through time.”

“Are you suggesting they’re from the future?” Len was having a hard time wrapping his head around Spock’s argument.

“Then what would an angry, future Romulan want with Captain Pike?” Jim asked challenging Spock’s version of events and questioning Nero’s motivations.

“The very presence of Nero has altered the flow of history beginning with the attack on the Kelvin, culminating in the events of today, thereby creating an entire new chain of incidents that cannot be predicted by either party.”

“An alternate universe?” Uhura postulated.

“Precisely.  Whatever our lives might have been if the time continuum wasn’t disrupted, our destinies have changed.”

The others didn’t have time to examine the ramifications of those words, but Jim knew precisely the impact on his life.  Jim sat down heavily in the Captain’s chair.  “Our next course of action is to go after Nero and get Pike back.” 

As they planned the Enterprise’s next move, Spock and Jim continued to disagree.  Spock wanted to meet up with the primary fleet and then return to mount an attack.  Jim knew that Pike would most likely be dead by then and that Nero had Earth in his sights. 

Jim had sat down because he was tired and sore and genuinely curious about what it would feel like to sit in the chair, but he kept a wary eye on Bones who might get too nosy about his injuries and he wasn’t prepared to deal with them now and not here, definitely not here in front of the bridge crew. 

“Get out of the chair,” Spock said in a measured tone as he paced nearby.

Len gave Jim a warning look, but Jim was too busy thinking around their current situation. 

Until the fleet could be recalled from the Laurentian system, the Enterprise was the only starship in the general vicinity.  The only ship equipped to go after the Narada.  He was sure that if Spock could make contact with Starfleet he would receive orders to follow and contain the threat.  Jim knew that.  He also knew that Spock’s logic didn’t cope well with unknown variables. 

Jim also knew that Bones would err on the side of safety over confrontation.  He wasn’t exactly siding with Spock so much as deferring to his position as Captain because he was afraid of what could happen if they followed Jim’s recommendation.  Deep down, Bones probably realized that Jim was right and he had to be afraid for his family on Earth.  So Jim was aware that Bones _had_ to believe that Spock knew best, because if he didn’t, and Jim was right, then Eleanora and Joanna were in danger. 

It was imperative that Jim make Spock see the urgency in returning to Earth.  Jim stood angrily, “Every second we waste, Nero is getting closer to his next target.”

Spock sat down in the vacated Captain’s chair reinforcing his position, “That is correct.  That is why I am instructing you to accept the fact that I alone am in command.”

Jim’s frustration was apparent, “I will not allow us to go backwards, to run from the problem instead of hunting Nero down.” 

“Jim, he’s the Captain.” Len tried to inject a voice of reason, trying to calm Jim before he found himself in the brig for insubordination.

“Security escort him out.”

“No, Jim!” Len shouted as Jim resisted the security team’s attempt to remove him from the bridge. 

Sulu stood, his loyalty to Jim drove him to his feet, but uncertainty kept him rooted in place.  Uhura looked pleadingly between Spock and Kirk, her morality being tested by her loyalty to Spock.

Len stood by helplessly as Jim fought hard until Spock intervened.  He put one hand to the juncture of Jim’s neck and shoulder and Jim dropped to the deck unconscious.  Len had heard of the Vulcan neck pinch, but he had never seen one executed, and as twisted up as he was inside, Len was grateful that Spock had humanely subdued Jim.  Who knew what would have happened if some twitchy security ensign had pulled a phaser on him.

“Get him off this ship.”

 _What the hell?_  That order was completely unexpected and Len found himself having doubts about Spock’s ability to command rationally. 

Len looked at Sulu and Uhura who were both standing and staring as he knelt at Jim’s side to scan him.

He knew he should hold his tongue but as the ship’s CMO he wouldn’t be doing his job.  “Just where do you think he’s going to go?”

“There’s a Starfleet outpost on Delta Vega.  He will be safe there until he can be recovered.”

Delta Vega was a small unpopulated planet with a harsh atmosphere.  Uhura listened in shock as Spock instructed security to place Kirk in an escape pod and jettison him to the plant surface before the Enterprise continued on to rendezvous with the fleet in the Laurentian system.

“Why not just restrict him to quarters or put him in the brig?” Len pushed.

“As long as Cadet Kirk is on this ship, he will find a way to interfere with my command.”  Well, Len couldn’t argue the logic of that statement.  “Therefore he will be charged with mutiny and exiled to Delta Vega.  Starfleet will be duly informed of the charges and his location.  He will be retrieved in due course.”

“Except we can’t contact Starfleet can we?”  Len saw Uhura’s fearful face in his peripheral vision.  He got the message, he better tread carefully or he may just find himself sharing that pod with Jim. 

“Doctor, please make sure that Cadet Kirk is properly outfitted for the planet’s atmosphere.”  Spock turned to the helm, “Sulu set course for Delta Vega.”

With that dismissal, McCoy found himself following the security team as they carried Jim off the bridge.

Well, it was something at least.  Len was thankful that he would have a chance to make sure Jim would have what he needed to survive.  And he was beginning to suspect that Jim might be safer on Delta Vega than he would be on this ship.

 

oOo

Before leaving the bridge, Len had made Spock promise that he would report Jim’s location for pick-up.

“Of course.  Starfleet will be notified as to his location and I will request expedited extraction.” 

It seemed like a nice gesture, but Len knew perfectly well that it was required by regulation and he suspected any rescue would be delayed due to the ongoing crisis and communication issues.  If Spock really wanted to handle this by the book he would have had Jim placed in the brig, not jettisoned to an inhospitable planet 16 light years (94 trillion miles) from Earth whose environment was considered hazardous. 

Len took a quick detour to the medical division while the security officers got Jim situated in the capsule.  He went to his locker and pulled out his cadet reds and quickly searched the pockets of his pants.  He pulled out the small engineering biomonitor that Jim had tagged him with to keep tabs on him when he was recovering all those months ago.

He pocketed the monitor and grabbed his personal PADD from his jacket pocket before tossing the clothes back in his locker.  He picked up Jim’s pants to throw them back in as well when something small fell out of his pocket and clattered to the floor.  Len stood staring down at a small purple butterfly.  He fingered the matching clip tucked into the collar of his uniform and remembered the last time he had said goodbye to Joanna.  She had clipped one of the bright purple enameled hair clips to his collar and insisted that he take the matching one to Daddy Jim.

He had given it to Jim when he got back to the dorm after Christmas, but he’d had no idea that Jim had been carrying it with him all this time.  He felt a sudden wave of affection for the man that seemed to love his daughter almost as much as he did himself.   Len palmed the clip and rushed out of medical to meet the security detail at the ejection port.

Len had been wearing the same pants from the day before.  God, had it only been yesterday that he had tucked the sensor in his pocket anticipating another bad Maru and that Jim just might try to take off on him?  With them not communicating well, he’d wanted insurance that he would be able to track him if he did take off.  Len wasn’t proud of that, but now he thanked his essentially pessimistic and paranoid personality quirks as he retrieved the sensor and attached it to the base of Jim’s neck, along the trapezius. 

Under cover of scanning him and aware that he was being observed, Len tucked the butterfly clip into Jim’s pants pocket, then zipped him into his survival jacket and made sure that another heavier parka was included in the capsule.

It was difficult to watch as the pod door was sealed and all Len could make out was the outline of Jim’s limp body in the restraints.  When Jim woke he wouldn’t know what had happened.  Len wished he’d included a personal message, but there was no time.  Spock wanted to break orbit as soon as possible, so Len stood at the viewport and watched helplessly as the pod spun away from the ship and fell towards the planet’s frozen surface.  _Be safe Jim._

Len felt jittery and anxious until it was confirmed that the pod was safely on the surface.  As soon as security left and he was alone, Len pulled the sensor program up on his personal PADD.  He was relieved to see Jim’s vital signs spike as he regained consciousness.  Jim was alive and safe for now, but Len had the sinking feeling that all of their hopes had just been jettisoned with the one person who didn’t believe in failure. 

 

oOo

The fact that Spock had exiled Jim wasn’t protocol and it could be a sign that, under the circumstances, he wasn’t really thinking clearly.  Len returned to medbay and carefully closed himself in Puri’s office, his office now, and used his medical access to review Spock’s medical records.  He didn’t have records for most of the cadet crew that had been hastily assigned, but Spock’s were available because he had already accepted the posting to Enterprise as First Officer.  After a cursory read, Len was surprised to find that Spock was only half Vulcan.  In fact, he was the only know Vulcan/Human hybrid in existence.  So behavior that would be considered normal for a Vulcan, just might not be considered normal for Spock.  Despite his attempt to disguise his human ancestry, it was an integral part of his mental and emotional make up.  He was apparently waging an internal fight between his stoic Vulcan side and his emotional human side and if Len didn’t know any better he would have said that Spock’s human side held a grudge against Jim.

 

oOo

On Delta Vega Jim had come to the same conclusion.

“Stardate 2258.42, or uh 4, whatever.  Acting Captain Spock has marooned me on Delta Vega, what I believe to be a violation of security protocol 49.09 governing the treatment of prisoners aboard a starship.”

While he walked he had time to think and his being forced to leave the ship felt a little too familiar.  It seemed like once again Jim had been removed from a ship in a combat situation with the Narada.  It hadn’t ended so well last time and Jim didn’t want to think about losing Pike, or Bones for that matter, like he had his father.

 

But all of that, and his death defying race from an indigenous monster, had been firmly pushed from his mind.  Instead, he was being bombarded with emotion and visions of Vulcan’s destructions interspersed with small slices of lives and relationships not yet lived.

Jim broke away from the mind meld gasping for breath.  He turned to the wall trying to center himself, trying to breathe, trying to understand. 

“Forgive me,” the older version of Spock begged.  “Emotional transference is an effect of the mind meld.”

But that wasn’t it, not entirely.  He had seen things.  He had felt things.

“So you do feel,” Jim managed to gasp.

“Yes.”

He understood now.  “It’s not that way here.  Things are different here.” 

Spock had been left reeling from the meld as well.  He now realized his mistake.  This Jim was clearly not his, in this time his heart belonged to another.

“I am sorry, I realize that now.” 

If the transference worked both ways, Jim worried about what Spock had seen of _his_ strongest emotions.  “Going back in time you changed all our lives.”

“We must go.”

But Jim couldn’t help asking one question, “Where you came from, did I know my father?”

Spock answered truthfully, “Yes, you often spoke of him as being your inspiration for joining Starfleet.  He proudly lived to see you become Captain of the Enterprise.”

“Captain,” Jim just shook his head in disbelief.  The way his life was going in this universe, that was a position he would probably never attain.

“Yes, Captain of the Enterprise.  A ship we must return you to as soon as possible.”

 

oOo

Len found himself summoned to the bridge once again and he was suspicious that Spock was aware of his accessing his medical files. 

“You wanted to see me?”

“Yes, Doctor.  I am aware that James Kirk is a friend of yours.  I recognize that supporting me as you did must have been difficult.” 

He really had no fucking idea.

“Is that a thank you?” Len asked incredulously.

“I am simply acknowledging your difficulties.”

“Permission to speak freely, Sir?” Len asked as respectfully as he could.

“I welcome it.”

“Do you?” Len doubted that, but, “Okay, then.”  He looked around the bridge aware that others might be listening in.  “Are you out of your Vulcan mind?” he hissed.  “Are you making a logical choice sending Kirk away?  Probably.  But the right one?  You know, back home we got a saying, ‘If you’re gonna ride in the Kentucky Derby, you don’t leave your prize stallion in the stable’.”

“A curious metaphor, Doctor, as a stallion must first be broken before it can reach its potential.”

Damn him!  Jim was broken enough.  “My God, man!  You could at least act like it was a hard decision.”

“I intend to assist in the effort to reestablish communication with Starfleet.  However, if crew morale is better served by my roaming the halls weeping, I will gladly defer to your medical expertise.  Excuse me.”

Len looked up to see Sarek enter the bridge and found himself dismissed.

“Green-blooded hobgoblin,” he muttered under his breath. 

 

oOo

Len returned to medbay.  “What the hell does he want from me?” he voiced his frustration as he and Christine worked on fixing one of the damaged pieces of equipment that was obviously beyond repair.  Spock had definitely been sounding him out.  “Now he’s so damned concerned about my loyalties?  Not like I have any damn choice at this point, Jim is gone.  He made sure of that.” 

After trying unsuccessfully to reinitialize the protoplaser, Len picked up the small piece of equipment  and threw it against the wall.  He shoved his tools aside and strode into his office to consult his PADD, checking Jim’s vitals for the sixth time that hour alone.  He heard Christine come up behind him, but when she placed a warm hand on his shoulder he shrugged her off.  He really didn’t want her sympathy, didn’t want her touching him. 

“Chris, please just leave me alone.”

She stepped back and gave him a hurt look, “Fine.  Suit yourself.”  She turned and walked out.

Fuck.  He should probably go after her, but he was too distracted by Jim’s vitals to think about Christine for long, because they were showing alarming anomalies.  He tried recalibrating the sensor.  When that didn’t work he ran a program diagnostic.  All checks showed that the equipment was functioning as designed.  Maybe something was interfering with the transmission?

There was really only one person on the crew he knew well enough to ask for help.  He picked up the PADD and headed for the bridge. 

 

Uhura had noticed the weak low level transmission being received in medical, but she had chosen to say nothing, not wanting to further anger Spock.  She _was_ concerned about Jim, if anything happened to him, Spock would be held accountable, so she had gone against regulations and allowed McCoy’s sensor transmission to go unreported.  Now here he was on the bridge asking her to commit treason by boosting Kirk’s signal. 

But she took one look at Leonard’s face and couldn’t say no. 

“I’ll see what I can do to boost the signal, maybe piggyback it on an _unofficial_ channel,” she whispered.

While they were talking, Jim’s vitals started fluctuating wildly then winked out.  Len grabbed the PADD from Uhura as Jim’s transmission reappeared suddenly showing his systems under extreme stress,  his heart rate and respiratory systems registering levels way above normal. 

The low conversation between the Doctor and Uhura attracted Sulu’s attention.  He stood and walked casually over to the pair.   

“Mr. Spock, I am detecting unauthorized access to a water turbine control board,” Chekov said.

“Bring up the video,” Spock directed as he moved to Chekov’s station.

Sulu took advantage of Spock’s distraction, “It’s Kirk isn’t it?”

McCoy looked over Sulu’s shoulder tracking Spock as he moved about the bridge focused on the security displays.  He was aware that they were all flirting with behavior that could be defined as mutiny should Spock wish to push the issue.

He explained the fluctuations in the sensor transmission to Sulu.  “Could there be some kind of interference?” 

“There are no electromagnetic anomalies at the moment.”  He looked over McCoy’s shoulder, “A med sensor would have been out of range by now.  What am I looking at here?”

“It’s a repurposed engineering sensor.  Something Jim got hold of at the academy,” Len answered quietly.  The last thing he needed was to attract Spock’s attention.

Sulu shook his head, “I don’t know, maybe Chekov could run some type of diagnostic.”

Len looked at the baby-faced ensign speaking with Spock.  He didn’t know Chekov.  “Maybe the less people in on this the better…”  While he was looking at Chekov he noticed the security video playing on the console and the forward view screen.  Maybe it didn’t matter anymore.

The image was fuzzy, but he could tell by the way it moved, he knew every line of Jim’s body by heart.  His heart began to hammer in his chest.  How was it possible?

“Security seal the engineering deck we have intruders in turbine section 3.”  Len’s breath stuttered at the Vulcan’s next words, “Set phasers to stun.” 

Len was a mess of conflicting emotions and racing thoughts.  How had Jim gotten back here?  Who was with him?  Of course Jim would find some damn way to get back on the ship, he should have known better than to count the damn kid out.

Len, Uhura and Sulu watched as Cupcake escorted Jim and another man who was soaking wet onto the bridge.  Ignoring Kirk, Spock confronted the stranger.

“Who are you?”

“I’m with him,” the man dressed in civilian clothes tilted his head towards Jim.

“He’s with me.”

“We are traveling at warp speed.  How did you manage to beam aboard this ship?”

“You’re the genius you figure it out,” Jim answered defiantly.

“As Acting Captain of this vessel, I order you to answer the question.”

“Well I’m not telling A _cting Captain_.  What?  What now, that doesn’t frustrate you does it, my lack of cooperation?”  Jim continued to goad the Vulcan, “That, that doesn’t make you angry, right?”

“Are you a member of Starfleet?” Spock addressed the other man.

“Um, yes.  Can I get a towel?” Len couldn’t be sure, but there was a distinct accent, maybe Scottish.

“Under penalty of courts marshal I order you to explain to me how you were able to beam aboard this ship while moving at warp.”  Spock was starting to lose his patience.

“Well…,” the Scotsman started to speak.

Jim cut him off, “Don’t answer him.”

“You will answer me,” Spock stated harshly.

The Scotsman attempted to bow out of the confrontation, “I’d rather not take sides.”

“What is it with you Spock?  Hmm?  Your planet was just destroyed, your mother murdered.  You’re not even upset.”  Len started to wonder what Jim was up to.  It wasn’t wise to continue to provoke Spock.

“Are you presuming that these experiences in any way impede my ability to command this ship?  You are mistaken.”

“And yet you are the one who said fear is necessary for command.  Did you see his ship?  Did you see what he did?” Jim threw Spock’s words from the hearing back in his face.  Len had seen Jim provoke fights before, he was doing this on purpose, but to what end?  What could he hope to achieve by angering Spock to the point he found himself restricted to the brig? 

“Yes, of course I did.”

“So are you afraid or aren’t you?”

“I will not allow you to lecture me about the merits of emotion.”

“Then why don’t you stop me.”  Len considered stepping in at this point, but things were rapidly spiraling out of control.

“Step away from me, Mr. Kirk.”

“What is it like not to feel anger or heart break or the need to stop at nothing to avenge the death of the woman who gave birth to you?”  Len held his breath waiting for Spock’s reaction.

“Back away from me.” 

“You feel nothing.  It must not even _compute_ for you.” Jim went in for the kill, “You _never_ loved her,” and could see by the look in Spock’s eye that he had hit his target.  Jim felt a momentary flash of satisfaction mingled with guilt as Spock roared in rage and he braced himself for impact as Spock’s fist connected with his jaw.  Lights exploded across his vision as Spock threw him against the helm console.  Jim did his best to react to each blow, to deflect and defend without throwing a punch. 

McCoy and everyone else watched dumbfounded as Spock threw Kirk across the helm and began choking him.  Jim could barely breathe around the unnaturally strong hand clamped around his throat like a vice.  Cupcake was nervously fingering the phaser in his hand, but chose to keep a safe distance.  No one really knew what was happening and they were reluctant to intervene until necessary.

Jim was thinking it was necessary a little sooner than anyone else seemed to think _.  Come on, come on, someone stop this._ Why wasn’t Bones saying anything?He was now seeing black spots at the edges of his vision.  If this went on much longer he ran the risk of losing consciousness and then Spock would proceed with his own plan and they would never be able to save Earth.

Jim fought to keep his thoughts focused and guarded, knowing that Spock could probably read them through the unusual skin to skin contact.  He pushed as much compassion as he could muster for the grieving Vulcan towards him in his mind.  And he was in his mind, there around the edges.  Not as present as Old Spock had been, but there was a hint of the same sensation of not being alone.

He pushed at Spock through the link.   _Stop.  I can’t breathe._  

But Spock was no longer in control of his emotions; his fear, his anger with Kirk, his grief over the loss of his mother.  He wasn’t aware of any rational thought until he felt more than heard one quiet word above Jim’s labored breathing. 

“Spock.”  It came through the paternal bond with his father and he felt Sarek’s disapproval, like a small child being chastised by his parent, and it brought great shame, but it served as the catalyst which allowed him to regain his control.

Spock released his hold on Jim, stood and consciously straightened his uniform before he moved haltingly towards McCoy.  “Doctor, I am no longer fit for duty.  I hereby relinquish my command, based on the fact that I have been emotionally compromised.  Please note the time and date in the ship’s log.”  He then exited the bridge as the crew watched, Sarek following in his wake.

The Scotsman was bouncing on the balls of his feet, trying to take it all in, “I like this ship.  It’s exciting.”

As the bridge doors slid shut Len turned and stared at Jim in shock.

While Len was concerned for Jim, he was more offended by his callous remarks, “Well, congratulations, Jim.  Now we’ve got no Captain, and no goddamn First Officer to replace him.”

Because Len was fully aware of the current status of the command staff: the Captain had been taken prisoner, the First Officer and Acting Captain had resigned as medically compromised, the Chief Engineer had been killed over Vulcan, the Chief Medical Officer had been killed in the attack by the Narada and the primary Helmsman had lungworm.  Who did that leave?  Helm and Communications were currently being manned by cadets who had been pulled into service, the Navigator, the only member of the senior bridge crew who had been appointed to his position, looked to be about twelve and the Acting CMO, the highest ranking officer remaining, technically hadn’t graduated yet. 

Sulu piped up, “Yeah we do.” 

“What?” Len turned to him in confusion.

“Pike made _him_ first officer,” he raised one hand in Jim’s direction where he still rested against the helm console trying to catch his breath.  At Sulu’s statement Jim straightened, walked over and dropped into the Captain’s chair.

“You gotta be kidding me,” Len let the unguarded comment slip and he regretted the words as soon as they were out of his mouth. 

Jim couldn’t help his passive aggressive response, “Thanks for the support.”  That one small thoughtless comment cut deep, but Jim couldn’t deal with that right now.

Uhura addressed Jim as she moved back to her post, “I sure hope you know what you’re doing, _Captain_.” 

Uhura he expected it from, not Bones.  “So do I,” Jim said with a grim expression on his face as he tapped the comm link in the arm of the chair.  “Attention crew of the Enterprise, this is James Kirk.  Spock has resigned his commission and advanced me to Acting Captain.  I know you were all expecting to regroup with the fleet, but I’m ordering a pursuit course of the enemy ship to Earth.  I want all departments at battle station and ready in ten minutes.”  He paused before adding, “Either we’re going down or they are.  Kirk out.”

 

As the senior command officer present, Len stayed on the bridge to contribute what little he could to the brainstorming session, even if it was just moral support.  He wasn’t even sure if Jim would accept it from him at this point, but he wanted him to know that he did support him. 

There was little else for him to do as the CMO.  Nero had disabled the biosensor on Pike shortly after he’d arrived on the Narada, so Len was only able to speculate on his possible condition.  Spock seemed to feel that the fact that it was disabled and didn’t just register Pike’s death was encouraging. 

Jim agreed, “They would keep him alive for information.”

“But he would not talk,” Spock added.

“Not if he had a choice.”  They all turned to look at Jim.  He continued grimly, “There are a lot of ways to make someone talk.”

Len’s mind reeled out the possibilities, most of them unpleasant to say the least. 

“What if they got what they wanted?”  Chekov asked.  “They would kill him, yes?”

“Maybe,” Jim hedged.  “But I’m willing to bet that they’ll keep him alive for bargaining leverage.” 

Sulu looked at Jim, “What do they need to bargain for?  They’re more technologically advanced, they have the advantage we’re the ones out gunned here.”  

Jim looked over at Spock speculatively, “I think they want more than to just destroy the Federation.”

Spock looked calm, on the surface, but Jim detected a slight stiffening of his posture.  “I do believe that Kirk is correct, Nero has some type of personal vendetta with me.  For what reason I do not know.” 

Jim knew and Spock was right, this was personal.  In more ways than one.

 

What it came down to was that destroying Earth was always Nero’s plan and he was headed there, sure that Pike would give up his secrets.  So the Enterprise crew prepared to intercept the Narada, retrieve Captain Pike and destroy Nero’s ship.

Of course to do that, Jim and Spock would have to beam onto the Narada to find Pike.

Jim was headed to the transporter room and Len walked along with him.  They were talking about what condition he might find Pike in if he was still alive.  Jim refused to entertain any other possibility, so Len was trying to prepare him.

“He may not be conscious, he may be disoriented and combative if he can’t distinguish who you are.  You may need to disable him to transport.”

“Dead weight is too hard to carry.  I can handle Pike.”  They came to a stop outside the transporter room and Jim turned to face Bones.

“They’ve probably tortured him,” Len unwillingly added.  “He’ll most likely be experiencing pain.  I could give you something to give him.”

“No,” Jim was adamant.  “Pain can be an incredible motivator.  If we need to get out of there fast, I need him lucid and motivated to move.”  Bones looked at him strangely and Jim mentally checked himself, had he given too much away? 

Jim sounded too familiar with what he was saying for Len’s liking.

They stood looking at each other, Len’s eyes traveled across Jim’s face trying to memorize every line.

“Look Bones.  If this goes sideways-“

“Don’t.” Jim opened his mouth, but Len cut him off, “Just tell me you’re comin’ back,” his deep voice full of gravel from choked back emotion. 

“I’m coming back,” Jim said with quiet force and finality.

Len looked at the sincerity and emotion in his blue eyes and tried to convey what he was feeling with his.  Aware they were in a public corridor, he placed a hand on Jim’s bicep and gave it an tight squeeze before running his hand down Jim’s arm and dropping it back to his side, then he gave one sharp nod and turned and walked away. 

Jim’s hands were clenched in fists to keep from pulling him back, to keep from calling him back he turned and walked into the transporter room.

He wasn’t prepared to find Uhura and Spock in a romantic embrace on the pad.  Jim stepped up and took his place beside Spock and looked anywhere but at the couple beside him and tried to pretend he wasn’t listening in.

“I will be back.”

“You better be.”

Jim shifted, uncomfortable with how their words echoed his conversation with Bones only moments before.

Spock and Uhura’s little PDA on the transporter pad did little to help Jim’s frame of mind.  He would never be able to be open like that with Bones.  He ground his teeth and rocked on his heels as he waited impatiently for them to finish and was at least rewarded with her name, Nyota.  He tucked that away, along with the look in Bones’ eyes, as things he would need to do something about later and ordered Scotty, “Energize.”

 

oOo

Jim’s confrontation with Nero did not go as he’d planned.  Nero was currently straddling him and had his hands wrapped around Jim’s throat.

“James T. Kirk was a considered to be a great man.  He went on to captain the USS Enterprise.  But that was another life.  A life I will deprive you of just like I did your father.” 

Jim was beginning to worry that he wouldn’t be able to keep the promise he’d made to Bones.

This was the man who’d killed his father, had taken Pike, and was going to kill him, too.  There was a kind of symmetry in that.  His thoughts were getting fuzzy from lack of oxygen.  He wished he’d said a proper goodbye to Bones.   

“Captain Nero.  The Vulcan ship has been taken.  The drill has been destroyed.”

“Spock!!” Nero screamed in frustration as he left Jim, forgotten, in pursuit of his Vulcan adversary.

Spock’s timely action may have saved Jim from his father’s fate at Nero’s hand, but left him being hung by Nero’s second-in-command.  He was suspended, Ayel’s hand wrapped around his throat, but this time he was able to gain the advantage.

“I got your gun,” Jim managed to choke out before shooting the startled Romulan with his own phaser.

He fought his way back up onto the platform where he flopped down on his stomach to cough and catch his breath.  “God damn, what is with you people?” he rasped to the empty space.  What was it about him that inspired every being with pointy ears and super human strength to choke him?  He did his best to suppress another painful cough and headed in search of Pike.

As he picked his way through the belly of the Narada, Jim came across an unmanned computer console and accessed the ship’s computer.  After he had ascertained Pike’s exact location, Jim couldn’t help accessing the memory banks. 

And there it was.  It was his life, his life as it should have been.  His service record was all there, but everything was different and it covered years that hadn’t happened yet.  It looked like even though his childhood had been different, his father had lived and his mother had never married Frank, that that Jim Kirk still hadn’t escaped the horrors of Tarsus IV. 

There was a noise and Jim stilled for a moment listening.  When it didn’t repeat, he quickly punched a few more buttons and entered another ID number as familiar as his own and found himself staring at the service record and photo of someone who most definitely was not _his_ Bones.  Maybe there was a slight resemblance, if he squinted.  He ran his eyes down the page and found that that Jim and Bones hadn’t attended the academy together.  They didn’t meet until later in life.  Bones had divorced Jocelyn, but he’d had no further contact with Joanna.

None of it really mattered though, Nero had changed everything.  Maybe for the worse, but maybe for the better.  That still remained to be seen.  He heard someone coming and quickly shut down the connection and hurried to recover Pike.

 

oOo

“Scotty, now!” Kirk commanded as the Narada was rocked by phaser fire from the Jellyfish and Kirk, Pike and Spock materialized on the transporter pad of the Enterprise as the Narada destroyed the Vulcan ship. 

“Nice timing, Scotty.”

Scotty whooped, “I’ve never beamed three people from two targets onto one pad before!”

The transporter room doors slid open and Bones and his medical team rushed in.

“Jim!” 

“Bones!” 

He grabbed Jim’s arm and Jim grabbed his as he transferred Pike to the Doctor’s care.

“I got him.” 

Jim wasn’t just turning over his Captain, he was turning over his mentor.  He couldn’t have been in better hands and Jim took a moment to thank God that Bones was here.

 

oOo

As Jim and Spock ran for the bridge Len was left supporting Christopher Pike.  The man was pale and shaky and barely able to maintain his footing.  The med team closed in and Pike was loaded onto a hover stretcher.

Len had only gotten a quick glimpse of Jim.  What he’d seen had concerned him, but he had bigger problems on his hands, literally. 

“Alright Captain, guess it’s your turn to be on the wrong end of the IV this time,” he said referencing a conversation they’d had weeks ago when Jim was in the hospital.

“You’ve been dying to get me on your table, Doctor.  Do your worst.”

“Always do,” Len said as they strapped him in for the short trip to medical.

 

Len listened in horror as Pike related his torture at the hands of the Romulans, the biobed already screaming in confusion at the multiple life signs being detected.  Len narrowed the scan until he was picking up only the hummingbird fast heartbeat of the Centaurian slug currently wrapped around the base of Pike’s brain stem.  Fucking good thing he was a neurosurgeon because that little fucker was wrapped right around Pike’s spinal cord. 

He ran his fingers over the noticeable lump at the back of the Captain’s neck.  The slug was exerting control over the older man’s bodily functions.  When stressed, the creature tightened its grip and constricted blood flow, driving Pike’s blood pressure and heart rate sky high.  It was also starting to interfere with his body’s ability to regulate his respiratory functions and he was becoming lethargic from lack of oxygen.  They needed to remove it before it killed its host.

The cherry on top of it all was the fact that the parasite was releasing toxins that seemed to force its host to answer any and all questions posed.  In short, it was an efficient if barbaric form of truth serum.  Pike, to his shame, had unwillingly provided Nero with the subspace coordinates of Starfleet’s border protection grids surrounding Earth.

Once the scan was complete Len realized that he would need to immobilize the slug. He didn’t want that damn thing burrowing any deeper into the Captain’s spine before he had a chance to remove it.  Better to immobilize it before they opened him up.  He didn’t know what it would do if it found its warm safe cocoon suddenly destroyed. 

Len prepared a syringe loaded with a paralytic.  He ran one gloved finger lightly over the bulge in the Captain’s neck as he oriented himself with the slug’s position by the sonogram image on the biobed monitor.  He was about to insert the needle when the ship lurched alarmingly.  He calmly lifted the needle away from his patient and waited, breath held, until the deck beneath him stabilized.  He waited a couple of more seconds to make sure the internal gravity would hold before positioning the needle again.  It slowly slipped beneath Pike’s skin and he watched the monitor as it found its target.  He injected the paralytic and discarded the needle and the team watched as the slug convulsed and went still.

 “If, if this goes bad…,” McCoy started to cut him off but Pike refused to be silenced.  “If this goes bad, please tell Phil, I’m sorry.”  Pike swallowed hard and looked away, “Tell him I was a fool.  Tell him I love him.”  He looked back to McCoy, “Promise me, Leonard.”

“Of course, Chris, but you can tell him yourself.”  Len punched some buttons on the monitor and widened the scan to focus on his human patient.  “You’re gonna be fine,” he said as he went about treating the Captain’s other injuries.  When the scanner signaled its completion, he looked at the results and hoped to God that hadn’t just been an empty promise.      

The amount of toxin the slug had released in its distress was now causing the Captain to ramble. 

As McCoy worked, Pike finally allowed himself to relax.  He was aware of the doctor’s impressive credentials and knew that he couldn’t be in better hands.  He was glad Phil wasn’t here to see this or to have to deal with it.  He wasn’t sure how McCoy would handle it if it was Jim here in his stead, but that was their decision to make, not his.  And he was uncomfortably aware that every one of these thoughts were being expressed to the medical team around him.

McCoy was looking at him with one raised eyebrow. 

How did he do that?

“It’s easy, I work with idiots all day long,” he answered.

Pike tried not to focus on the pain wracking his body or the unnatural movements he could feel in his back.  If he thought too hard on those he might lose what was left of his mind.  As it was, he wasn’t entirely in control of his mouth at this point.  The truth was flowing as freely as the blood McCoy was trying to staunch.  If only he could do the same to his mouth. 

McCoy was only half listening as Pike voiced his every thought.

“Gag me”

“Excuse me?”

“Shut me the hell up.  That’s an order, Doctor.”

“Gladly, Captain.”

Len signaled his team to prep the Captain for surgery and fitted a mask over Pike’s nose and mouth, but not soon enough. 

As he slipped under Pike had one last thought, “You know Jim loves you, right?”

Len’s eyes flitted quickly around the room hoping the molded plastic of the respirator mask had sufficiently muffled the Captain’s question, but the uncharacteristic straightness of Christine’s posture as she prepped Pike told him otherwise.  _Fuck._   He really didn’t need this right now.  He gently increased the flow of anesthesia and the Captain’s eyes blinked twice more before, mercifully, he found peace in sleep and Len tried to find peace in the awkward silence.  

 

oOo

The destruction of the Jellyfish and the red matter aboard had created a chain reaction that could only end in another tear in space time.

Jim offered Nero mercy, which he refused.

“Arm phasers, fire everything we’ve got.”

“Yes, Sir.”

They watched as the Enterprise’s phaser fire caused a chain blast effect as the Narada’s onboard torpedoes were ignited lighting up the ship as it began to implode and was sucked into the singularity. 

Then Kirk issued the command they had all been waiting for, “Sulu, let’s go home.”

But when the Enterprise was unable to break free of the gravity well caused by the singularity and was dragged forward towards the black hole, Jim was aware that if they entered that tear in time, they might never find their way home.

He punched the comm link and yelled, “Kirk to Engineering, get us out of here Scotty.”

_“I’m givin’ it all she’s got, Captain.”_

The ship was still moving toward the anomaly.  “All she’s got isn’t good enough.  What else you got?”

_“Um, ok, if we eject the core and detonate, the blast could be enough to push us away.  I cannae promise anything though.”_

The hull started cracking under the strain, stress fractures were forming along the bulkhead surfaces.  The ship was starting to break apart.

“Do it!  Do it!  Do it!” Kirk commanded.

Sirens screamed the red alert and there was a moment of uncertainty as the ship shuddered and groaned as the warp drive was expelled.  As it detonated, the Enterprise was caught in the blast wave and was propelled away from the black hole and out into deep space. 

Once the ship stabilized, there was nervous laughter and an immense sense of relief washed over the bridge crew, until they realized that the ship wasn’t slowing.  With no warp core they were unable to stop their momentum. 

“Sulu, reverse impulse engines.”

“They’re not responding, sir.”

“They are unable to compensate for our speed.  To attempt to do so would overload our systems and leave us adrift with no power,” Spock informed him. 

“If we can’t brake we’re going to have to depend on external forces to slow our forward motion,” Kirk thought out loud.

“Resistance and friction are minimal in space.  If we travel close enough to a large planetary body, the magnetic or gravitational pull could help slow our flight.”  Chekov was already busy calculating course and distance and any objects in their path. 

“We can’t steer without impulse,” Sulu added.

With no options but to ride out the blast wave, the bridge crew waited.  When the Enterprise finally slowed enough that impulse engines could be used to brake she was far from home. 

"Chekov, where are we?” 

“We are currently 73,000,000,000 kilometers from our previous location.”

“At impulse power it will take approximately 13 days, 7 hours and forty-three minutes to reach Earth.”

“Thank you, Mr. Spock, for your approximation,” Kirk said dryly.

Spock raised one peaked brow at Kirk, but didn’t respond.

Kirk sat in the Captain’s chair and looked out at the unfamiliar constellations on the view screen then looked around at his bridge crew, “Well, I hope everybody packed a bag, ‘cause it looks like we’re taking the long way home.”


	6. Chapter Five

**Stardate 2258.43 (Friday, February 12, 2258)**

The scattered laughter died down and Jim found his mind momentarily a complete blank of relief.  The bridge crew were all looking to him, waiting for his next order.  He drew himself up straight in the chair and took a deep breath.  First things first, he needed to know the status of his ship.  His ship.  He shoved that thought down fast, it was Pike’s ship and he was going to do his best to return it to him in the best shape possible under the circumstances. 

He wondered how the Captain was doing, but he figured that no news was good news.  He’d check in with Medical as soon as he could, but he was confident that Bones had the situation under control.

Jim tapped the comm link and opened a shipwide channel.  “Attention crew, we are standing down from general battle stations, but the ship will remain at yellow alert until we’ve had a chance to assess any structural damage.  Captain Pike has been returned to the Enterprise and is currently undergoing surgery.  I will keep you posted on his condition.  The Narada has been defeated and we are no longer in danger.  However, in escaping the gravity well surrounding the black hole Nero created, we had to eject and detonate the warp core.  The resulting blast has left us 73 billion kilometers from Earth.  At impulse speed, the trip home will take us almost two weeks.  Once the ship is secure we will focus on housing arrangements and crew duty assignments.  Acting Captain Kirk, out.”

First priority, ship’s structural integrity and life support systems.  “Lieutenant,” he directed to Uhura, “have all divisions report damage and injuries.”  He chanced a glance at Spock who gave one small nod in confirmation.  Good.  But he didn’t want to show his inexperience by relying on the Vulcan.  He needed to establish who was in charge right from the beginning.  He started running through all of his training in his mind.  It was kind of like when Bones was diagnosing an emergency medical situation only the Enterprise was the patient, there was a predetermined list of priorities and he needed to work thorough each of them in order.  It helped that he had a plan, an outline of what needed to be done, in mind.  He would take the division reports and move on from there. 

Jim stood and walked over to Chekov’s station and leaned down over the ensign.

“Chekov, bring up a ship schematic.”

“Aye, Keptin.”

When the deck plans displayed on the ensign’s terminal he flicked through each deck refreshing his memory of the ship’s layout.  Pike had shared the ship blueprints with him early in his first year at the academy so he had a basic understanding of where things were located, but he didn’t want to look like he didn’t know his way around the ship.  Jim paused momentarily on the bridge deck.  Ah, that was what he was looking for. 

“Thank you, Ensign.”  Jim returned to the chair.

 

He could hear the damage reports being made to Spock who was still manning the First Officer’s station.  He didn’t have any problem with that, in fact, he was happy to have the support, but he wasn’t sure if he was officially allowed to be at that station.  Spock had resigned his commission because he was medically compromised, that meant he’d stepped down as an officer in the ship’s chain of command.  Technically he shouldn’t even be on the bridge at this point, but Jim needed him, he would deal with the legalities of it all later.  He wasn’t even sure if his being appointed captain would be supported by regulations, but desperate times required desperate measures and that’s what he did best.

“Uhura, any progress on making contact with Starfleet?” 

“No, Sir.  The array was damaged and we still have not been able to affect repairs.”

The Enterprise’s communications antenna array had been damaged in the initial attack by the Narada.   Until the array could be repaired, they were completely cut off from Starfleet.  They had had no news or orders from Starfleet since they had dropped out of warp at Vulcan and they had had no opportunity to make any type of report since then.  So, for all Starfleet knew, they may have been destroyed in the confrontation with Nero.  Surely their presence had been recognized over Earth when the drilling platform was destroyed, but once they warped out after the Narada their location would have been harder to track. 

If Starfleet tracked their warp signature as far as the singularity, they would find evidence of the warp core detonation, but no further trace of the ship.  A blast wave had catapulted them into deep space, so there would be no warp trail, not even an ion trail from the impulse engines to lead to their current location.  Hell, they might look at the blast residue and conclude that the ship had been destroyed or pulled into the black hole along with the Narada.  Maybe they weren’t even looking for them anymore.  That chilling thought made communications an extremely high priority. 

If they couldn’t communicate with Starfleet, they couldn’t communicate with anyone.  Jim couldn’t help following that thought down the rabbit trail.  What was Starfleet telling their families?  What did Eleanora think?  What had she told Joanna?  The hand lying on his right thigh felt for the small object in his pants pocket, his fingers worried the small butterfly hair clip through the black material.  Did everyone think they were dead?  What about his own mother and brother?

Jim punched the comm link, “Kirk to Engineering.”

“Scott here, Captain.”

“Scotty, as soon as you’re finished with life support systems, I want communications made the highest priority.”

“Aye, Captain.  We’ll be on it as soon as we can.”

“Captain,” Uhura addressed him and Jim turned his chair to face her station.  “Even if the array is repaired, we’re still too far away from any subspace relay stations to contact Starfleet.”

Jim thought about the implications of Uhura words then turned to the helm.  “Chekov how far are we from the closest relay station?”

“At impulse speed we are approximately six days from ze nearest station.”

The best he could do was to make sure repairs were completed as soon as possible so that they could take advantage of the first relay station they came to.  “Understood.”

By then they will have been out of touch with Starfleet for a week, their families living with the uncertainty.  Normally this wouldn’t rattle Jim quite so much as it did these days, now that he had Joanna to think about.  He had let Bones’ family into his life and everything had changed, people now cared where he was, if he was ok.  He was none too happy about having opened himself up to the added emotion and worry.  If it had just been his own family he wouldn’t have been as concerned.  However, it kept him in touch with the responsibility he had to his crew and their families. 

 

While Engineering tackled the ship’s structural and system’s issues, Jim turned his attention to his crew.

The crew had been on high alert since the Narada disappeared into the singularity.  In fact, they had been on alert since they dropped out of warp into the remnants of the fleet at Vulcan.

He now found himself faced with the hard reality of a disabled ship with insufficient resources for the number of beings aboard for the time it would take to reach Federation space.  The ship was crippled, communications were down, his crew was grieving and resources were stretched beyond their capacity.

The Enterprise was not prepared for a mission of this duration.  The only flight she’d had prior to the distress call from Vulcan had been once around space dock.  She hadn’t even been on a shakedown cruise yet and she hadn’t been fully staffed.  The Enterprise hadn’t been due to see service for another four months, her christening was scheduled to follow the Academy graduation in June.  Hell, her engines and systems were still in the testing/calibration phase and he’d gone and jettisoned the warp core.  Wait till Pike found out.  His last order to Spock had been to not break the ship, she was brand new.

Pike.  God he could use his mentor’s advice.  He checked the chrono, three hours.  “Lieutenant, any word?” 

Uhura didn’t need further clarification, she knew what he was referring to, “No, sir.”

The ship was holding its collective breath waiting for word on its Captain’s condition.

 

oOo

Pike was lying face down on the operating table.  The stasis beam holding him still while Len started the delicate process of removing the parasite currently burrowed into his spinal cord close to the base of his brain.  The slug had been paralyzed to prevent further damage and Len had considered keeping it alive for further study, but when he got the full visual of the horrific damage it had already inflicted, he couldn’t help the force of his hatred.  He knew the slug wasn’t a sentient creature, it was just acting as nature had designed it, but it was a foreign nature that he found repugnant. 

This one small creature may have destroyed the career of a man that Len respected.  A man like Pike represented the best the ‘fleet had to offer, and now he faced the very real possibility that he would never walk again.  Len was going to do his damnedest to make sure that didn’t happen, but first he needed to remove this intruder and he didn’t give a damn whether it lived or died.   If it did manage to live through the extrication, it wouldn’t be alive for long.

Len worked to slowly unwrap the creature and not further damage the myelin sheathing the bundles of spinal nerve fibers.  When it was separated from its host, he grasped it carefully with a set of forceps and gently pulled it away from Pike.  He dropped the parasite into the stasis container Christine held for him then watched for a few seconds as it began to move, the paralytic wearing off.  He nodded to Christine who handed the canister off to one of the other nurses to take to the lab.  He looked forward to dissecting it later.  He never passed up an opportunity that might yield useful information and plenty of medical advances had been made from studying alien organisms. 

He returned to the tedious work of repairing and regenerating the damaged sections of myelin on Pike’s spinal cord.  Damage to the brain stem could affect basic bodily functions like respiration and he wanted to give Pike his best quality of life.  He hoped it would be something better than being confined to a bed and hooked up to a respirator for the rest of his life, because that was no quality of life. 

Len thought he would be able restore all basic functions, but this type of damage to the myelin sheath could slow electrical impulses from the brain and reduce the efficiency of the spinal nerve cells.  That could affect Pike’s motor functions.  He would most likely require extensive therapy and recovery was an unknown.  He might only suffer some minor mobility issues, or he might never walk again. 

The body could regrow damaged nerve fiber, the brain could be retrained to compensate for damaged sections, there was only so much even advanced medicine could do, but miracles occurred every day.  Len had seen them for himself, so he never counted anyone out.  All he could do was provide Pike with the best care possible and make sure he got the support he needed to optimize his recovery.

Whatever the outcome, Pike’s life was about to change dramatically.   

 

oOo

About four hours into the surgery the power in the surgical bay fluctuated.  He motioned for the closest nurse to open a channel to the bridge.  “McCoy to Bridge.”

 

“Bridge here Doctor,” Uhura answered smoothly.  Jim’s ears perked up.

_“Uhura, I’m in the middle of surgery and I’m havin’ power issues down here.  Tell Jim I need full power in medbay.”_

“Yes, Doctor.”  Uhura turned to Jim, “Captain, Medical reports power fluctuations and requests power be increased.”

Jim looked over at Spock. 

“We have had to severely ration all power consumption.  Perhaps we can divert some power from the bridge deck to compensate for the increase to Medical.  There are redundant stations that can be deactivated.”

“Do it,” Kirk ordered.  He didn’t want anything to compromise Pike’s survival.  Whatever Bones needed, he would have.

Jim watched as lights began to blink out around the bridge.  Spock had created a conservation plan to reduce energy consumption shipwide to ration available resources.  They needed to run lean if they wanted to have the power needed to make the two week trip home.  The ship’s lighting had already been reduced by half giving the ship the feel of night operations even though it was 1600 in the afternoon.  He hoped it didn’t cause more injuries with the reduced visibility. 

 

Jim was wrestling with the other shortages caused by their current over staffing and the ship’s being under supplied.

There had only been a skeleton crew initially assigned to the ship, mostly engineers.  When the distress call from Vulcan was received Starfleet Academy had ordered all cadets to report to the ships in space dock.  The Enterprise was the least staffed so she was assigned the most academy cadets. 

The ship was designed to carry a crew of 430 with several guest rooms for transporting dignitaries.  In a pinch she could handle 570 still relatively comfortably.  There were currently 623 beings on board. 

As her acting captain, Jim needed to do what he could to make the duration of this voyage as comfortable as possible, especially for their Vulcan guests.  So, while Scotty and Spock worked to make sure they all wouldn’t all die from an undetected oxygen leak or freeze to death in the vast expanse of space, Jim needed to get a handle on the ship’s stores.  He really needed the latest inventory of the food, water and supplies that had been brought on board and Pike’s calculations of the ship’s daily requirements.  That meant he needed to find the Captain’s working PADD’s.  He’d most likely kept them at his desk in his ready room or in his quarters.

But first he approved a tentative shift duty roster and notified the Quartermaster to make the necessary housing reassignments.  Once that had been completed he stood the ship down from yellow alert and sent crew members on Beta and Gamma shifts off duty.  Alpha shift would cover the first few hours of Beta to allow that shift to eat and rest before their return.  The Mess Manager had been ordered to prepare for the influx of off duty crew.  The night’s meal would consist of little more than field rations, but it was more than most had had since this all began.  Once the crew was fed, the Mess Manager had been ordered to inventory all supplies and devise a rationing schedule.  

 

Now that the adrenaline was no longer masking his pain, Jim was very aware of the abuse he had suffered.  So far he had managed to push the pain aside, but it was getting harder and harder to ignore. 

He had bruising on his neck and his neck and shoulders were stiff and sore.  Correspondingly, his throat was extremely sore and swollen which made swallowing difficult.  His fractured ribs made it impossible to take a deep breath and he was feeling lightheaded and had a pounding headache.  The hand that Chapel had regened and wrapped earlier had been reinjured and there was a red welt that wrapped around his lower left leg that felt like a painful jelly fish sting.

If he sat too long in one position he stiffened up, so Jim stood and paced at intervals throughout the day.  That caused his pant leg to rub irritatingly at the sting.  When he spoke, his voice was hoarse and he found himself fighting the urge to constantly clear it. 

He was aware that Spock was tracking his movements and giving him side glances every so often and he felt the need to get out from under his scrutiny if only for a few minutes. 

Jim stood slowly, pretending to be preoccupied with something on his PADD to cover his slow careful stance.  He stood still and straight, waiting for the deck to stop tilting in his peripheral vision. 

“Uhura, I’ll be in the ready room reviewing the damage reports.”  He managed not to clear his throat, but he couldn’t hide the rasp in his voice as he excused himself to the ready room he had noted on the ship’s schematics.

“Yes, Sir.” 

Huh, she almost sounded respectful that time, like she wasn’t choking it out.

Jim approached the doors at the back of the bridge which slid open for him.  He looked around and realized that he had seen this room before.  Pike had vidcommed him from here on several occasions. 

He walked over to the desk.  Pike’s things were arranged around the room and the desk was covered with PADDs.  He picked one up and powered it on, building schedules and parts lists.  He checked another, upgrade details for the engine systems.  Well, that wasn’t going to do much good now.  _Oh, God.  What was Pike going to say when he found out that they had essentially dumped his brand new engines out in space and blown them sky high?_  

Jim looked at the chrono.  It had been almost five hours since he had returned with the Captain from the Narada.  The only word they had received from medbay had been the request for more power.  He had never been good at waiting and he felt twitchy.

Jim sat down at the desk and cleared a small spot for himself to work, respectfully stacking Pike’s things to one side.  He activated the desktop terminal and started wading through department status reports.

As the full extent of their situation became clearer, Jim felt the weight of the responsibility placed squarely on his shoulders.  The ship had not been fully supplied because it’s christening and maiden voyage had still been weeks away.  What _was_ on board was an inconsistent mix of items, some fully stocked, many only stocked to levels to support the skeleton crew needed to man the ship during her upcoming shakedown cruise when systems testing was to be performed.  There were crates of supplies still sitting in the docking bay that had not even been received.  The only person who had a complete handle on what had already been ordered, what had been delivered and what still awaited unpacking was Captain Pike.  And he was in no way able to report. 

A painful cough caught Jim off guard and he stood, intending to get a glass of water from the replicator.  A sudden wave of lightheadedness left him dizzy and he stood clutching the desk until it passed.  When his world stabilized he made his way across the room to the kitchenette.  He knew replicator energy supplies needed to be rationed, but he really needed the water.  When he punched in his request he found that Spock’s rationing programs required authorization codes and he was reminded once again that his field promotion hadn’t been finalized.  He had no authorization code.  So, on a whim, Jim punched in the access code to Captain Pike’s apartment and was amused when the replicator presented him with a glass of water. 

Jim hesitated, the pain in his neck and throat had been increasing steadily throughout the day.  He raised the glass to his lips and took a small sip and tried to let the cool liquid slide down his abused throat without swallowing, but that only caused him to choke and cough harder.  The pain was worse than he’d even anticipated.

He played with the idea of requesting a pain reliever from the replicator, but he knew the request would be reported to Medical.  Besides, he probably couldn’t take most of what was available.  The last thing he needed right now was to have an allergic reaction.  Bones would kill him.  He also knew that all medications had been restricted by medical due to severe shortages. 

Of course, he could just go to medbay and have his injuries tended to, but Bones was still in surgery with Pike.  He was the only one Jim trusted, so it would have to wait. 

It wasn’t like it was the first time he’d ignored his injuries and he was pretty sure it wouldn’t be the last.  He’d had plenty of experience at mastering his pain.  So he took a moment to clear his mind, taking slow breaths as deeply as he was able, and visualized himself pushing the pain away.   When he felt more centered and he was able to suppress his responses he headed back to his chair to finish his shift.

His neck ached, his throat burned, his chest and head throbbed, but he sat tall and still, his normal hyper activity restrained.  He listened to reports and responded to questions and signed PADDs.  He counted the minutes in his head until the end of his shift and hoped that Medical would notify the bridge that Captain Pike was out of surgery and being moved to recovery. 

When that report finally came, Jim wondered why Bones wasn’t the one making it. 

 

oOo

Len was exhausted.  He had even started to doze off while he was taking a sonic shower after making sure Pike was settled in recovery.  He’d had to sit down on the edge of a biobed to dress and now he found his mind drifting instead of pulling on his socks.  He’d pulled the privacy curtain while he was changing, but Christine let herself in.  She came to stand between his legs and started rubbing his shoulders and he couldn’t help closing his eyes and leaning into her touch.

“You did good, Len.” 

He shook his head, “I did all I could.  I just hope it’s enough.”  They both knew the first 24 hours were critical.

“Well you aren’t going to worry about it anymore for now.  Pike is resting comfortably and he’s being cared for.  Now it’s time for me to take care of you.”

It felt good to have someone who insisted on taking care of _him_ , it had been too long since he’d really had that.  He let his mind go blank as she rubbed his temples. 

“You,” she leaned down and kissed him lightly on the lips, “are going to go to sleep.”

Len automatically kissed back before his sluggish mind remembered where he was.  “ _Chris_ ,” he whispered in warning.

“Oh, hush, everyone is focused on Pike and the curtain is closed.”  She bustled around the small space to the other side of the bed and fluffed the pillow.  “Now, I want you to lay down and rest.”  She guided him back and down onto the biobed while simultaneously silencing the biomonitors.  Len blinked up at her sleepily as she pulled the blanket up from the foot of the bed, covered him and ran an experienced eye over the readouts.

She looked down at him and gently brushed the hair back from his eyes.  “You, Doctor, are getting another nutritional supplement.  When’s the last time you ate any real food?”

He ran one tired hand over his face trying to think and was surprised at how long and rough his beard was.  He picked absently at the hair under his lower lip while he thought.  “I don’t know, this morning I guess, before the hearing?  Or was that just coffee?”  He gave up, “I don’t know, maybe dinner the night before.”

“Dinner the night before?”  She looked concerned.  Why did she look so concerned?  “You know that was two days ago, right?”

“Two days?” 

“The hearing was Thursday morning, it’s 2023hrs, Friday.”

Two days, no wonder he felt so wrung out.  His eyes were already drifting closed when Christine administered the hypo filled with the vitamins, minerals and electrolytes that would help get his system back in balance.  The immediate boost allowed him to focus his thoughts for a minute before exhaustion steam rolled over him.  He still needed to report to Jim and he hadn’t seen him after he’d returned from the Narada.  He needed to check him over, ‘cause no way that damned Vulcan didn’t manage to bruise something.  He yawned involuntarily.

Christine ran a hand over the light beard at his jaw.  “You look good with a beard, ruggedly handsome.” He felt Christine’s lips on his again and wondered when he’d closed his eyes.  “Ok, Len.  Get some sleep.” 

He fought against the fog of exhaustion and tried to find his lost train of thought in vain.

“Well, maybe,” he mumbled.  “Just for a few minutes.”  He prised one eye open and reached out to grab the edge of Chris’ skirt as she turned, “Wake me in twenty.” 

Christine just smiled down at him indulgently, “We’ll see.  You just be a good boy and get some sleep.”

She gently separated his fingers from the fabric of her uniform and tucked his hand beneath the blanket as his breathing evened out.  She pulled the curtain around the bed, but left it open enough to watch the monitors.

 

Christine returned dutifully twenty minutes later and looked the monitors over.  Len had finally managed to reach REM sleep.  If she woke him now he would be even more tired.  For rest to be beneficial he needed at least a few hours, so instead of waking him, she decided to let him sleep.  If she woke him now he’d be crankier than ever, and no one needed to endure that.

She returned to the two nurses working with Pike.  “Doctor McCoy is resting in Biobed 2.  Let’s not wake him unless it’s absolutely necessary.  He hasn’t slept since all of this began.”

“I don’t think any of us really have,” Ensign Rodriguez responded.  She was a dark haired woman, a second-year cadet who had recently passed her nursing qualifications.  Christine knew she was competent, but none of the nurses on this shift were as experienced as she was in critical care.

“Nurse Chapel you should be off duty as well.  I know for a fact that you haven’t had any sleep since this started.”  This was from Lieutenant Carson, a tall red haired nurse, one of the few that was older than Christine.  She knew Carson had prior nursing experience, but she didn’t have much surgical experience.

Considering the critical nature of Captain Pike’s injuries and the possible complications, she had decided to stay on shift for the time being.  It wasn’t that she didn’t trust her colleagues, she just wanted to ensure that no one woke the doctor.  If there were any questions or complications she should be able handle them.

“I plan on staying until Doctor McCoy wakes.  Until then we have work to do.”

“Yes, ma’am.”

Christine wondered for a moment at how the other nurses easily deferred to her.  Maybe it was her experience, or maybe it was the fact that Len seemed to rely on her, maybe it was her naturally pushy personality.  She just hoped it wasn’t because of some inference of her relationship with the CMO.  If that became public knowledge it wouldn’t endear her to her colleagues.  Nurses were very territorial to begin with.  They might think she was trying to use her influence to gain special treatment.  The last thing she wanted was anyone to doubt her ability to do her job, or to jeopardize her career.  Len was right.  She was going to have to be more careful.  She couldn’t let herself get carried away with him while they were here on Enterprise.

She set about directing the other nurses and collecting Pike’s vitals.  Once that was done, she set to work cleaning and organizing what she could salvage of medbay.  When Len did wake up, she was sure that would be his top priority.  No point in waiting, might as well get a head start.

 

oOo

Jim walked into medbay and looked around the dimly lit room.  There was a buzz of activity near a biobed at the back and he was willing to bet that Captain Pike was behind that curtain.  He took several quiet steps in and looked over the other beds.  There were only a few patients still in medbay.  He knew the Vulcans had been relocated to deck 3.  He was about to move further into the room when the patient in a bed to his left caught his eye.  It was the beard that tripped up his tired brain, the split second of lack of recognition causing his heart to slam into his ribs when he realized he was looking at Bones.  _What the hell?_

He was looking around for a nurse to question when Christine Chapel walked out of the door closest to him carrying a box of supplies. 

She took in Jim’s black duty t-shirt but addressed him as his rank required, “Captain.”  Jim waved off the salute, but was instantly reminded of his position and the need for professionalism.  If that’s how she wanted to play it, he was game, besides, it might be easier to deal with her if he treated her as just another member of his crew.

“At ease, Lieutenant.”  God this was awkward.  “Lieutenant, is there something wrong with Dr. McCoy?”

She looked over at the doctor, “Nothing some sleep won’t cure.”  She looked back at Jim and couched her response with her own professional demeanor.  “He’s fine Captain, just completely exhausted.  It was a very difficult surgery.”

As reassuring as that was, Jim still didn’t like seeing Bones in a biobed, at all.  He dragged his eyes away from Bones and focused on Chapel, “I came down for a report on Captain Pike’s condition.” 

“The surgery went well and Captain Pike is resting comfortably.  If you need a more complete briefing I’m going to have to wake Doctor McCoy,” she said reluctantly. 

He looked over one more time at Bones.  “No, don’t do that.  Let him sleep.  I’ll get his report later.” 

Christine set the box down on the nearest counter and picked up a tricorder.  “Your voice is hoarse and you look a little worse for wear.  Would you like me to take a look at that for you?”  She indicated the visible bruising on his neck.  “I could check that hand for you too, make sure you haven’t done any further damage.”

Jim repressed the urge to flex the fingers of his sore hand.  “No need.  I’m fine,” he said and quickly sidestepped the scanner in her hand and headed for the doors. 

As they slid open she called to him, “I’ll tell him you came by.”

“Thank you, Lieutenant,” Jim called back without missing a step, driven by the need to be anywhere else.

 

Jim found himself standing outside the Captain’s quarters.

He had found himself playing catch up with a ship that he’d only studied in the abstract.  Chris had shown him the ship’s schematics and told him stories of its fitting out, but he’d had no hands on experience.  This was Starfleet’s newest ship and was decked out in the latest technology.  What Jim really needed was to get his hands on Chris’ notes, his personal PADDs.

He tried entering the code he’d used on the replicator and wasn’t surprised when he wasn’t granted access.  Jim was getting more than a little annoyed with the ship’s computer which refused to recognize him as the captain.  Apparently Bones hadn’t filed the necessary paperwork before he’d gotten busy with Pike and now Jim was forced to work around a system that insisted he was a non-commissioned Cadet. 

Jim stood there uncertain of what to do next when he had a flash of inspiration.  He punched a code into the panel and smiled when the computer responded, “Medical override accepted.”  He should have thought of that sooner, Bones never changed his codes.  He made a mental note to have a talk with him regarding ship’s security. 

Jim entered the silent empty space.  The lighting was dim and it was eerie being in the empty rooms.  The rest of the ship was a carefully controlled chaos.  There were too many people on board, noise levels were higher than normal, quarters were over assigned, and here was one quiet space.  Jim knew he should see the Quartermaster about moving some of the Vulcan diplomats into the spacious quarters, and he would, but right now, he just needed some time to himself. 

He looked around the living room, it looked like Chris had already moved in most of his belongings, there were only a few boxes left by the door waiting to be unpacked.  It felt wrong to be here.  It felt like trespassing, like an invasion of privacy, but that didn’t keep him from looking around.

Jim moved forward to look at the photos on the desk before wandering around the room and examining the momentos Pike had chosen to decorate his space.  He ended his tour with the alcohol in the liquor cabinet.  He picked up one dusty old bottle and examined the label, Veuve Clicquot 2019, before whistling appreciatively.  He wondered how the Captain had been able to afford that particular vintage.  He couldn’t even begin to calculate how many credits it was worth.  He replaced the bottle gently and closed the cabinet.

He wandered into the bedroom and looked longingly at the large bed.  Jim knew, if asked, Chris would probably willingly allow him use of the rooms, but without that permission, he couldn’t bring himself to stay.  He fingered one of the gold command shirts hanging in the open closet.  He was acting captain now.  He should dress the part.  But since the ship’s computer still didn’t officially recognize his field promotion, the Quartermaster had yet to assign him quarters or replicate his uniforms. 

He knew that he and Chris were about the same size.  He could borrow one shirt and replace it before Chris returned.  After all, it was a requirement, right now he was technically out of uniform.  It didn’t do to have the acting captain derelict in his duties right off the bat.  So, Jim selected a shirt and struggled against the pain in his ribs to pull it on over his regulation black undershirt then headed for the desk where he hoped to find the documentation he had been looking for. 

He caught a glimpse of himself out of the corner of his eye as he passed the head and stopped to look at his reflection.  Bones was going to kill him.  He moved into the bathroom and stood before the mirror.  He turned his head from one side to the other examining the bruises on his throat.  Damn, on second thought maybe he needed to stay the fuck away from McCoy if he didn’t want to end up in a biobed next to Pike.  Bones would overreact, he always did.  Besides, it was fine, it was over now.  It would just take some time to heal, that’s all.

He looked around the small room.  Pike’s toiletries were laid out like in his apartment, he’d obviously been staying aboard.  That explained why he hadn’t been at the hearing.  Jim looked critically at his reflection again.  He really needed a shower.  There would be no hot water to soothe his sore muscles but even a sonic shower would feel good at this point.  Jim felt strange about using Pike’s bathroom, but he had an image to maintain as acting captain.

He struggled out of his clothing and had to rest after the strain of removing both shirts had left him breathless.  Once he had the pain under control again, he stepped naked into the shower stall and stood under the sonics and let the pulse vibrations scrub him clean.  He tried to minimize contact with the flaming welt on his left leg, but couldn’t avoid the painful contact completely.  Conscious of the need to conserve power wherever possible, he kept the shower short.  He dreaded the prospect of redressing, but it couldn’t be helped, he still had work to do.  

Once he was dressed, he looked himself over in the bathroom mirror.  He looked a little better than he had.  He ran his hand over the stubble on his chin.  Even though he had rifled through the Captain’s things and used his shower, he couldn’t bring himself to use his razor.  That felt just a little too intimate for comfort. 

He wished he could run his clothes through the fresher, but that _was_ an unnecessary power consumption, so his own clothes would have to do.  He wouldn’t take anything else from Pike except the tunic.  Hopefully the issue with his advancement would be straightened out soon and he could get a couple of new uniforms.

Jim moved back to Pike’s desk and grabbed the PADD that contained the information relating to the ship’s stores and headed for Engineering where he found Scotty lamenting the current condition of the Enterprise.

 

“Och, Captain, you shoulda seen here before we defiled her.  She was pristine.”

“Scotty, I’m a little disturbed by the visual imagery, but I understand.”  Jim shook his head as they stood looking out over the empty warp core housing.  “Pike’s gonna kill us.”

“Aye, she’s in a sorry state,” Scotty looked almost heartbroken.  “Well, I’m sure ya didnae come here to mourn with me, what can I do for ya Laddy?”

 

oOo

**Stardate 2258.44 (Saturday, February 13, 2258)**

Len startled awake at the sound of a biobed alarm.  It was quickly silenced, but he had always been a light sleeper when he was on duty.  He waited to be called, but the nurses must have had the situation under control, so he lay in the bed and listened to the sounds of the medbay going on around him.  He stretched his stiff muscles and found he felt moderately better until he checked the chrono over the bed.  0011hrs.

He had been asleep for almost four hours!  Why the hell hadn’t Christine woken him?  He’d left specific instructions that she was to wake him in twenty minutes.  He had only meant to take a quick nap before he tracked down Jim to assess his injuries.  Jim’s initial injuries were now well over twenty-four hours old which could make treatment more difficult or less effective. 

He got up and got dressed and went in search of Christine to demand an explanation.

 

“You needed sleep,” she said glaring at him unrepentant with her hands on her hips.

“That wasn’t your call to make,” he hissed.  “I asked you to wake me in twenty minutes.”

He was mad, but when Christine informed him that Jim had stopped by medical while he was sleeping and she had let him leave, he got downright angry.

“You should’ve woken me.  He’s my primary responsibility as CMO.”

Len knew Christine thought he over reacted in regards to Jim and his health, but damn if he wouldn’t exercise that one small bit of control he had over Jim.  In this one area he was allowed to be possessive. 

Besides, Christine had disobeyed a direct order.  There would never have been any confusion about it being an order with anyone other than Christine.  He also remembered the kiss.  Anyone could have walked in on them.  Their relationship had the potential of getting in the way of his authority in _his_ department and he couldn’t have that. 

+

“He said he was fine,” she hedged.

“He’ll always tell you he’s fine, he hides injuries.  He could be on his deathbed and he’d tell you he’s fine, Nurse.”  That stung.  “Since when do we take a patient’s self-assessment at face value?  You should have gotten him on a biobed for a scan.”    

“He refused,” her face was heating and she tried to keep her temper under control.  One of them had to, others were watching.  He was her supervisor and, no matter how it rankled, she had to accept his criticism.  But she didn’t have to like it.   

“Since when has that ever stopped you?”

Truth was she hadn’t wanted to deal with Kirk.  He was becoming a sore spot with her.  Maybe she wasn’t as casual as she’d thought about McCoy.  She’d let her personal feelings get in the way of her professional ethics and she didn’t need him adding to her own anger at herself for allowing it to happen.  For allowing Kirk under her skin. 

 

oOo

After checking on Pike, Len grabbed a medkit and stopped at the terminal near the door.

“Computer, locate Captain Kirk.”

“Cadet Kirk is in Engineering.”

 _Shit._   He hadn’t officially updated the ship’s log.  He quickly made the necessary corrections to the official record and went in search of his wayward friend. 

 

oOo

Len arrived in Engineering and took up a post by the main doors.  From here he could observe Jim helping Scotty and his crew and Jim would have to get past him to get out.  He knew Jim, he liked to get his hands dirty, he was hands on and he knew his shit.  If he hadn’t been command track, he would have been an engineer.  The fact that Jim was sitting and not elbow deep in some console told him all he needed to know.

 

Jim noticed the flash of blue amongst the red from the corner of his eye.  Bones stood near the doors with his arms crossed across his chest, his medkit clutched in one hand.

Scotty looked at the doctor a little worried, “Looks like he’s spoilin’ for a fight.”

Jim gave Bones a quick glance and took in the no nonsense lines of his stance and smiled at Scotty, “Don’t worry, I can handle Doctor McCoy.  He’s just here to present the medical supply report and his latest briefing on Captain Pike’s condition.”

When Jim stood and swayed and Scotty had to reach out and steady him, McCoy swooped in.

“Alright, Captain.  Enough playtime.  You’re comin’ with me.” 

Something solid flopped in Jim’s chest.  That was the first time Bones had addressed him as Captain.

Scotty wasn’t blind, he could see that Jim was struggling physically and he could see the look of determination on the doctor’s face.  Scotty gave Jim an uncertain look and again decided it was best to bow out of the middle of a confrontation he didn’t quite understand.  “Well, I’ll just leave you two to it then.” 

Jim looked at Bones’ scowl and cleared his sore throat, perhaps it would be best if he left the replicator recalibrations to Scotty.  “Scotty, I’ll forward Captain Pike’s calculations to your PADD, you can consult with Spock on the settings for the Mess replicators.”

 “Aye, Captain, I’ll get a crew on it immediately.”

 

oOo

Len had expected a fight, but Jim followed him quietly, his feet dragging.  His compliancy worried him and raised a number of red flags.

 

“Well, I didn’t outrank you for long, Captain.  Couldn’t let me enjoy it could you?  You’re a competitive little shit, you know that?”

Jim chuckled, “Well technically Pike had already appointed me as First Officer, so I kinda already out ranked you.  So, see, I did let you enjoy it, for a little while.”

They were now in medbay.  It was late and the bay was quiet.  Jim walked to the bed at the back.

“How’s he doing, Bones?”

Len took a deep breath and released it before responding.  “He’s doing as well as can be expected at this point.  It was a complicated surgery and it is going to take time.  I won’t know for a while, but the prognosis is hopeful.”

Jim stood watching Pike sleep, his eyes scouring the monitor readings, taking in the vitals. 

“What’s his prognosis?”

Len took Jim by the elbow and directed him away from Pike’s bed and to the other side of the bay.  He never discussed a patient’s condition within hearing range of the patient.  You just never knew what they might hear, even under sedation, and Pike was only sleeping.

He maneuvered Jim into sitting on a biobed and took the chair in front of him.

Len scratched at his head.  “I don’t really know right now.  My _hope_ is that he’ll be able to walk again.”

Jim took one gasping breath like he hadn’t realized that might not have been a possibility. 

“There was a lot of damage to his spinal cord that I had to repair.  Only time’s gonna tell.  With time, and a lot of intensive therapy, I think he’ll recover, but I’m afraid it may not be a complete recovery.”  Jim stared at him.  “He’ll walk, Jim, but I can’t say how well.  If he does come back to command, it won’t be for quite a while.”

Jim got up and moved back to Pike’s side and Len gave him a few minutes to absorb that information.   Now that he had Jim here he didn’t feel so frantic about his condition, but he was itching to scan him. 

After preparing a biobed for Jim, Len walked over and watched Jim watching Chris. 

 

After a couple of minutes Jim followed Bones back to the biobed he had been directed to earlier and resumed his seat.

“You look like shit, Jim.”

“Gee thanks.”  Jim took his first good look at Len in the brighter light of medbay and couldn’t help the quickening of his heart.  “What’s with the beard?” 

There was just something about Bones with a beard.  He rarely ever got to see it, but fuck.  He wouldn’t have thought the man could get anymore handsome, but the beard just added something else, like a hint of danger, that really turned Jim on.

“Just haven’t had time to shave.” he scratched at the hair on his chin.  He was one of those men that had five o’clock shadow by three.  Jim didn’t need to shave as often as Bones did, but he had a light layer of blond stubble that showed he hadn’t had time either and neither of them had brought any suppressors with them, or anything else for that matter. 

Jim tried to sound casual, “I don’t know, looks good on you.  Maybe you should keep it.”

Len was distracted pulling supplies, “Yeah?  I think Christine likes it, too.”

Jim sat very still. 

Len looked up at him with one quirked eyebrow, “Too bad it’s against regs.”

Jim tried to hide his relief as he latched onto Len’s comment.

“Yeah, _regs_ ,” he shrugged.  Thank God for regs. 

Len shook his head, he had given up trying to figure out just what went through the kid’s mind most days.

 

Len helped Jim take off his shirts and lay back on the bed then ran his hands lightly over Jim’s chest.  He gently palpated the bruises on his ribs then ran his sensitive fingers up the column of his throat.  He laid his hand across Jim’s throat fitting his fingers into the bruises.  Len had large hands and long fingers and he had to stretch to reach both sides of the bruising.  He was having all he could do to stifle his outraged response.

Jim had soft tissue damage to this neck and shoulders.  There were three sets of handprints bruised into his neck.  One set of finger prints were low on his trachea where Len had watched as Spock had threatened to crush his windpipe. There was another set tight around his larynx and the last set sat high on his neck, the fingers fitted on either side just below his jaw and dangerously close to the hyoid, almost like Jim had been hung.  He was reminded that each of Jim’s attackers had been physically stronger than a human.  Len didn’t like seeing anyone else’s marks on Jim’s skin and he couldn’t help the wave of pure anger and possessiveness that threatened to overwhelm him. 

Jim eyed him curiously as he turned away to collect himself before continuing with the exam.

Subconjunctival hemorrhaging in Jim’s eyes made them look blood shot, like he had spent the night partying hard.  But there were petechiae, small broken capillaries, in the skin of his mucous membranes, inside his mouth and on his eyelids.  Petechial and subconjunctival hemorrhaging were signs of asphyxia.  Jim had been strangled to the point that he had been denied oxygen. 

His secondary injuries included broken ribs, broken fingers and a welt that showed that something shaped vaguely like a tentacle covered in nematocysts had wrapped itself around the kid’s left leg.  Jim had explained that the creature that had tried to drag him from a cave had had a tongue that was covered in something like stinging nettles.  The hollow hairs had acted like needles and had injected some kind of toxin beneath the skin which caused the stinging rash.  He was damn lucky he hadn’t had a worse reaction considering the lack of medical treatment available on Delta Vega.

But Len really lost his shit when he got to the full scan of the damage to Jim’s neck.  “There’s significant swelling to your primary airway and your hyoid bone has been fractured, you could have experienced respiratory complications.  Or, if your brain was hypoxic long enough, you could suffer neurologic consequences or seizures.”

Jim sat up and reached for his shirt.  “I’m fine, Bones.”

“Dammit Jim!  You coulda died.”  In his distress his accent flared.  Len knew full well that unreported strangulation injuries could lead to delayed death. 

“It’s not that bad, Bones.”

“When you get your medical degree you can render an opinion.  Until then, my opinion is the only one that matters.  Your condition is gonna continue to deteriorate until we can get you into treatment.

“Your airway’s been compromised by more’n one homicidal alien today.  Fuckin’ super strong Vulcan hybrid and those damn Romulans,” he muttered under his breath as he furiously made notes on Jim’s medical record.  He looked up and fixed Jim with a glare, “So, you sit your ass down on that bed and so help me God, if you try to leave, I will kill you.  I will to do what those homicidal bastards couldn’t seem to manage.  You got me?”

Jim made no further attempt to move from where he was sitting on the biobed. 

“Yeah, I got you, Bones.” Jim said quietly. 

His throat _had_ been hurting more as the day had worn on and he was getting more lightheaded.  There was so much swelling that it was hindering his ability to breathe.  In fact, it was starting to feel frighteningly similar to the feeling he had when his airways closed up during an allergic reaction.  Only much more painful.

 

McCoy didn’t really have the necessary medical files for all of the cadets who had been hastily assigned to the Enterprise.  Luckily, he had memorized Jim's allergy list in their second year at the academy.  After scanning Jim, Len did a quick inventory of Jim safe drugs and found them depleted or non-existent.  Either they hadn’t been ordered yet or they had been lost when the supply room had been damaged in the assault. 

Unfortunately, most of the drugs on hand couldn’t be used on Jim.  That meant lengthy painful procedures with no anesthesia and ineffective pain killers.  He realized that Jim’s treatment would have to be curtailed and would have to be done with little pain relief. 

So, under the circumstances, Jim would have to be sedated to be treated.  Not an optimal solution, but the best one at hand.  Before returning to Jim, McCoy made the necessary notification to Commander Spock.

 

“Why did you call him down here? Jim whined when the Vulcan appeared in medbay.  He had been feeling more amicable towards Spock after his time spent with Spock’s older self, but he still didn’t want anyone else down here to witness him at his weakest. 

“I had to Jim, it’s regulation.  You’re gonna to be outta commission for at least twelve hours.  You need to hand over command until then.

“Yeah, well if you want to stick to the regs, he’s not authorized to command,” Jim answered snappishly.

Len knew it was the pain talking.  Jim was becoming more argumentative, luckily Spock seemed to understand.

There _were_ still matters that needed to be resolved regarding Spock’s psychological assessment and reappointment.  There just hadn’t been time.  But Len didn’t doubt that the Vulcan would pass the necessary evaluations.

“I know it’s puttin’ the cart before the horse at this point, but you got a better idea?”

“What about Pike?” Jim genuinely tried to focus on the dilemma at hand.

“Definitely not an option.”

“There is one other option,” Spock calmly announced.

Len looked at the Vulcan suspiciously.

“What option?  And you damn well better not say me.”

“No, Doctor, Lieutenant Commander Scott could assume command temporarily.”

Len looked at Jim for confirmation.

Jim thought it over and had to agree.  “He’s right.  Scotty could command.”

“Good.  Get him in here, ASAP.”

It was an awkward silence while they waited for Scotty to arrive and Len prepped Jim for sedation by placing an IV line.  He was just taping it down to the back of Jim’s uninjured hand when Scott arrived.

 

“Are ya daft?”  Scotty demanded after the situation had been explained.

“You are Chief Engineer now,” Spock answered.

“Aye, but I didnae ken I’d be asked to assume command.  I just got ‘ere.”

“The duration of your service is not an impediment to your promotion.”

Len was getting impatient, “Well, will you do it, or not?”  As if he had a choice.  Jim was going out in two minutes whether he agreed or not.

Scotty looked over at the Captain taking in the pinched look about his eyes and his gray pallor.  “Oh, aye.  I’ll do it.”  He looked at Len seriously, “Just promise me you’ll nae kill ‘im, Doc.  I’d much rather be Chief Engineer than Captain.”

“Yeah, Bones,” Jim chuckled, “don’t kill me.”

“Deal.”  Len directed his comment to Scotty, before addressing Jim’s comment, “Not that I won’t be tempted.” 

The official notification was read into the ship’s record and Len confirmed it with his medical authorization.  As soon as it was accepted he administered the sedative and Jim’s eyes began to blink shut.  “Now, kindly get the hell out of my medbay, I’ve got work to do.”  With that the doctor motioned Spock and Scotty towards the door and directed the medical team to move Kirk into a surgery bay. 

“Acting Captain Scott,” Spock called to the engineer who still stood watching Kirk being wheeled away.  “I shall accompany you to the bridge.”

Scotty was still getting his space legs with this new crew and he was a little perplexed, there seemed to a lot going on underneath the surface with these three.  But, tension aside, it definitely wasn’t boring.  “This ship is very exciting, indeed,” he said to himself as he followed the Vulcan to the bridge.

 

It was a precautionary measure, but Len chose to treat Jim in a surgical suite where he had access to any equipment he might need.  He wasn’t taking any unnecessary chances if things started to go south.   Treatment of the kid’s injuries could lead to respiratory failure and that was a risk he wasn’t willing to take. 

“Chapel, I’ll need you to assist.”  Christine looked surprised but quickly moved to his side. 

Len usually dealt with Jim alone, but Christine was quickly proving to be the best nurse on his staff and Jim’s complicated medical history required his best.  So, Chapel it was.

He might as well get used to working with her on Jim’s care right now, because he was sure the kid would only continue to require medical intervention during the time he served in the black.  If Len wasn’t able to respond, for whatever reason, the next person he could trust with Jim would be Christine.  And didn’t that just make his personal life all that more fucked up?  But none of that mattered here.  In medbay the only thing that mattered was providing the best medical care possible.  And he wouldn’t let his personal life interfere with that.

Christine was nothing but a consummate professional when caring for any patient, Jim Kirk was no exception.  She may have had no patience for his childish behavior at the academy, but she could be counted on to give him the respect he deserved as her captain and the care he deserved as her patient.  

 

“I hate this.”

“I know.  But it’ll be over soon, I promise.”

Len bent over Jim’s bed and pushed the sedative into the IV port.  He watched as Jim blinked sleepily.  “Go to sleep, Jim.”

Jim’s eyes drifted shut, “I _will_ find a way to contact Joanna for you, Bones.” 

“I know you will.”  And it was just one more reason why Jim needed to be healthy.  He brushed his thumb across the back of Jim’s hand where the port was set.  “That’s it.  Don’t fight it.  I’ve got ya.” 

+

Christine was readying the equipment, but stilled and watched silently as Len talked Kirk through the sedation.  She had seen Len working with many different patients in many different situations.  He was always gentle and caring even when he lectured and bitched, which he only did because he cared.  He wasn’t really doing anything different now, but it felt different.  The words felt more personal.

Pike’s earlier words came to mind, _“You know Jim loves you, right?”_

She hadn’t chanced a glance at Len at the time and he hadn’t said anything.  She’d been a nurse long enough to have seen her share of drug induced verbal diarrhea.  Medical personal pretty much learned early to dismiss anything said under the influence.  But Pike had been more affected by the toxins introduced by the Centaurian slug, which were known to have properties similar to truth serum, than the anesthesia.  So, what he’d said had been the truth, or what he believed to be the truth. 

She watched the pair a little closer but didn’t see anything untoward.  Len was just talking to a friend.  It still amazed her that these two very different men had become such close friends.  She was always surprised that the upstanding doctor put up with all of Kirk’s shit.

Christine had to admit that she’d never really gotten the whole Jim Kirk thing.  Sure he was good looking, but he was such an ass that it just never seemed worth pursuing.  Not that there weren’t plenty of women out there that found that attractive, she just wasn’t one of them.  She wanted someone who would treat her well, like Len. 

 

Once Jim was under, Len and Christine started the long process of regenerating his fractures, the slow work of knitting bone back together.  Len had Christine monitor Jim’s vitals and respiration while he started with the osteoregenerator.  He also had her use the dermal regen to treat the rash on Jim’s leg.  Len handled the delicate hyoid fracture first, before moving on to the ribs.

Christine continued to watch Len out of the corner of her eye.  The curious thing about his treating Jim was the extra touches.  She had seen this before with patients who were emotionally compromised. 

Len would respond with more physical contact which they found soothing. He was a very hands on doctor, Christine had worked with plenty that weren’t.  They were very proficient with the equipment and the tech, but very hands off when it came to the patient.  One had even told her, why touch when you could get the same readings with the scanner?  Len was different, he never lost sight of the person.  To him, they weren’t just patients, they were people with feelings and problems and fears and he treated the whole person. 

Christine stopped and watched Len again.  He was quietly explaining what he was doing as he was going along.  Why?  She had thought he was keeping her posted on his progress, but he was directing his comments to Kirk, who was unconscious. 

She looked up to the biobed monitor that tracked brain wave activity.  He seemed calm.  Len caught her looking. 

“Problem?” he looked up to the monitors, too. 

“No, I … it’s nothing.” 

Len took a deep breath, “Watch his brain wave pattern.” 

Christine watched as Len took his free hand from its spot on Kirk’s arm and continued running the regen without speaking this time.  Kirk’s brain waves started to peak, where they had been smooth and calm before. 

“He’s starting to show distress.”

“One thing you need to know about Jim, he’s always alert at some level and he has an ingrained,” he hesitated to use ‘fear,’ “dislike of medical procedures.” 

Christine snorted, “No shit.” That was putting it mildly.  She had seen Kirk fight Len over something as simple as a hypospray. 

Len’s look of disapproval was as good as a reprimand. 

“He copes best if you tell him what’s happening.”

“But he’s sedated.”

Len knew Christine knew all of this already but he explained it anyway.  It never hurt to reinforce theory with practical application. 

“On some level patients may still be aware even when sedated.  Jim is one of those patients, so humor me.”  He handed her the osteoregen and stepped back from the bed. 

Christine moved up to Kirk’s side and started to run the regen over his ribs, keeping one eye on his brainwaves.  They continued to become more disordered. 

“Talk to him Christine.”

She felt kind of stupid with Len watching, “Hey, Jim, it’s Christine.”  The brainwave spiked.  “Len is still here, but I’m going to take over the osteoregen on your ribs.  I know this can be painful and I’ll do my best to make it as painless as possible.”  She looked at Len who was watching the monitor as Jim’s brainwaves started to settle, but not as calmly as before.

“Touch him Chris.”  Len cleared his throat, “He needs to feel the physical contact, too.”

Christine placed her free hand in Kirk’s and clasped his limp fingers.  She was surprised to feel them twitch.  She looked up to the monitor and saw his readings finally settle.

Len stepped to the foot of the bed and examined the regenerated skin of Jim’s lower leg.  He ran his fingertips lightly across the surface as he evaluated the repair.  Christine sneaked a look at the monitor and saw the readings spike.  It was like Kirk knew when it was Len touching him, or maybe he had just been surprised by the touch? 

“All patients are different Chapel,” Len had to move the discussion back to a professional level.  “Kirk would rather live in pain than be treated in medbay.  That’s something that you’ll have to deal with if you’re planning on staying on Enterprise.  He’s had some bad experiences and he’ll do anything he can to avoid hospitals and doctors.”  He smiled indulgently at the sleeping man, “Even me.

“I’ve managed to earn his trust to the point that he’ll allow me to treat him as long as I keep him involved in his own care every step of the way.  His biggest fear is being out of control, so I give him that control whenever I can.”

“Why are you telling me all this?” she asked, curious.

“I need someone else here who understands his care and you’re the best, Chris.”  Len ran his hand absently over Jim’s leg again, “And he deserves the best.”

Len turned away from her and started to gather the wrap they would need to support the rib repairs and she couldn’t help wondering.  She had known they were close, at least they had been, maybe not so much recently, but Len obviously cared for Kirk.  Maybe more than just another patient?

She was startled from her thoughts by the shrill whine of the biobed alarm.  She looked up startled to find that Kirk’s respirations were depressed, his blood pressure had dropped.  _What the fuck?_   She looked around the bed for some possible explanation for the crashing vitals, but none was forthcoming.  There were no medications being administered other than the IV sedative and that shouldn’t have affected him like this.  She looked to Len for direction.

“Dammit, Jim.  Do you have to do this every damn time?  Can’t you give me a break just this once?”  He smoothly administered a stimulant as Christine readied a trach tube just in case.  Len wanted to avoid shoving anything down Jim’s damaged throat if at all possible, but he would do it if he had to.

They waited the tense few moments while Jim, the contrary bastard, decided if he wanted to respond to the medication.  Len had learned not to let his guard down with this particular patient.  Not until he was awake and sassing him back as he walked out of medbay. 

He took a deep breath only when Jim finally did.

“Another thing Chris, he’s always gonna fight you.  You always have to be prepared for the worst possible reactions with Jim.  His medical history is extremely complicated and he always seems to react in the worst possible way.  Remember that.  Oh, and if you’re gonna be treating him, I want you to memorize his allergy list.  It’s extensive.”

“I suppose there will be a quiz,” she tried to lighten the mood after the scare Kirk had given her.

“Damn right there will,” Len muttered.  “Let’s get this finished up.  The sooner I can bring him out of the deep sedation, the happier I’ll be.”

“Yes, Doctor.”

Len looked over at Christine as she finished the regen on Jim’s ribs and smiled.  Not much flustered her.  He knew he could trust her with Jim.

 

He had finally released Christine and sent her to bed.  She needed rest and he had taken her off duty until Beta shift.

While he cleaned Jim up and got him settled in one of the regular beds there was a shipwide announcement. 

_“Attention crew, regular shift rotations will begin with Alpha shift at 0700hrs.  Alpha and Beta are now off duty until their next shifts.  Everyone should have received housing assignments.  Get some rest people.  Acting Captain Montgomery Scott out.”_

Pike was awakened by the announcement.  “Who the hell is Montgomery Scott?  McCoy, McCoy!  Who the hell is Montgomery Scott?  Where is Spock?”

“Oh, Lord,” Len commented to the nurse changing out Jim’s IV fluids. “Just what we need, one more Captain chiming in.”  Not like three wasn’t already enough.  He moved quickly to Pike’s bed, “Now, settle down, Captain.  You shouldn’t be moving around too much.”

“Answer me, McCoy.  Where’s Spock?”  The Captain’s voice was hoarse from disuse, but still held all of its previous authority.

“Knowing that tight ass Vulcan, he’s probably on the bridge supervising Acting Captain Scott.”  Len couldn’t help sassing the man who was doing his damnedest to undo all of Len’s hard work.  He motioned to one of his nurses to help him.

“Who the hell is Scott and why isn’t Spock captain?”

“Stop moving around, dammit!”  Chris finally seemed to focus on the doctor holding him still.  “That’s it.  I need you to calm down.”

Pike let himself relax incrementally and McCoy loosened his hold.  “Answer me, McCoy.”

“It’s a long story, Chris.  Short version is that Spock resigned his commission after Vulcan was destroyed.”

“Then Jim should be captain.  I appointed him First Officer.  Where’s Kirk?”

Len took a step away and drew back the curtain between Pike’s and Kirk’s beds.  “Shh, he’s sleeping.  If you wake him up, I’m gonna be pissed.”

Pike looked from Kirk’s sleep smoothed features to the doctor’s scowl.

“Is he alright?”

“He’s fine, I got it under control.  He just needs rest before he reassumes command.  Spock hasn’t been medically cleared yet, so the next best option was Chief Engineer Scott.”

“Who the hell is Chief Engineer Scott?”  Pike got a horrified look on his face.  “No.  Tell me he’s not that crazy bastard that lost Archer’s beagle.”  McCoy just stared at him blankly and Pike explained.  “He used the beagle in some transporter experiment and lost it.  I heard Archer had Scott exiled to some dusty Starfleet outpost somewhere until he could produce the dog.”

The light dawned.  “Was it Delta Vega?” Len asked.

“Delta Vega?  That ice planet near Vulcan?”  Pike thought about it, “Yeah, that sounds like Archer.  He’s vindictive as hell where those dogs are concerned.  Why?”

“Jim brought Scott back with him from Delta Vega.”

“What was _Jim_ doing there?”

Oh hell no.  Len wasn’t about to open that can of worms, he didn’t get paid enough.  “I told you, Captain, it’s a long story.  One I’m sure Jim would love to tell you when he’s awake.  I wouldn’t want to go spoilin’ his punch line.  You know how he enjoys a good story.”  Pike was starting to yawn.  “Right now, you need to get some sleep, too.  Nurse,” Len turned to Ensign Rodriquez, “I think it’s time for the Captain’s medication.”

“Yes, sir.”

He watched as she administered the pain reliever and Pike drifted to sleep then drew the curtain back around Jim’s bed. 

 

oOo

Jim’s major injuries had been treated and he was sleeping fitfully.  There wasn’t much Len could give Jim for pain relief so he had left him lightly sedated, but he could tell it was causing him to hover in a twilight sleep which was probably exacerbating his usual nightmares.  It was definitely not restful. 

It was late in Gamma shift and the ship’s lighting had been further dimmed to simulate night.  Jim’s therapy was complete, so Len discontinued the sedation and prepped to move him somewhere more comfortable and much more private.  He had been surprised on consulting the ship’s computer to find that Jim hadn’t been assigned quarters.  True he had come aboard as a patient, but he was the captain now, he couldn’t bunk in medbay nor would he want to.

He moved to the biobed and gave Jim an extra nutritional booster which finally woke him.

“Ow!  Why do you have to do that while I’m trying to sleep?”

“Tryin’ was right,” he pocketed the hypospray. “You wanna get outta here?”

Jim rubbed his neck, “That’s a trick question, right?” 

“Nope.”

“You don’t have to ask me twice.”  Jim rushed to sit up and swayed dangerously, his balance off.

Len caught him by the shoulders before he fell, “Whoa, hang on there.  You’re gonna have to take it slower.”

Jim sat down heavily and looked down at himself.  Someone had dressed him in scrubs and he seemed to have a small situation.  Who had changed him?  Had it been one of his nurses?  Oh God, please, not Christine.  “Um, did you…he indicated his clothing.” 

Of course he had.  “No, Nurse Chapel got you cleaned up.”  Len turned away to hide his smile.  “She’s a nurse Jim, you don’t have anything she hasn’t seen before.”

Jim bit back his reply aware that they were talking about Bones’ girlfriend and disconcerted by the fact that she could now compare the two of them.  But again, Bones’ girlfriend.  _Gah!_   Jim’s brain hurt. 

Len tossed a robe into Jim’s lap and he covered himself gratefully, but didn’t know what to say in the ensuing awkward pause.  “Um, you know I didn’t mean…I would never….fuck,” he muttered in frustration. 

As fun as it was to watch Jim flail about trying to apologize Len decided to give the kid a break.  “It’s ok, Jim.  Just a side effect of the medication.  No harm done.”  He watched Jim cycle from confused to relieved.  “Besides, I changed you, not Christine.”  And from relieved to aroused. 

“So, Doc, you gonna help me out here?”

Len snorted, “Okay lover boy, I think you’re hormones are getting all confused.  You ready to get out of here?”  Jim put the robe on and Len led him out into the dark deserted corridor.  “You’re officially off shift until Beta, at which time we’ll get the situation with Scotty and Spock straightened out and get you your command back.”

“Not my command, Pike’s command.”

“I don’t know, Jim.  I didn’t really want to say anything earlier, but I think the Captain’s command days are over.”

Jim looked at him in alarm and he hurried to quiet him, “Now, settle down, he’s gonna be just fine for the most part.  But that slug did a lot of damage to his spinal cord.  I did everything I could, Jim, I just don’t know if it’s gonna be enough.  I _think_ he’ll walk again, but I don’t know how well.  Hopefully, with therapy he’ll be able to get around with maybe only a cane.  Only time will tell.  But I don’t think Starfleet is gonna allow him to return to the Enterprise.”

Jim looked crestfallen. 

“I’m sorry, Jim.  I really am.”

They walked slowly along the curved corridor and Jim sighed, “I know you did your best, Bones.” 

“Yeah, just, sometimes my best just isn’t good enough.”  It was the fear he lived with on a daily basis, that he just wouldn’t be good enough when the time came. 

Jim seemed to follow the trail of his thoughts and reached out to give his shoulder a squeeze.  “Bones, your best is better than anyone else’s.  I’d rather be in your hands than any other doctor any day.  Chris was lucky you were here.” 

“Thanks, Jim, but I think it’s luckier for him that you were here.”

Jim stopped and turned to Len.  “Same thing isn’t it?  ‘Cause I’m only here because of you.”

“Nah, you got that wrong, I’m only here because of you.  If you hadn’t been such a huge pain in the ass and forced me to pass my flight qualifications I’d be in a nice quiet office in Starfleet Medical.”

As they resumed walking, Jim tried to remember what it was Old Spock had said about the Universe trying to heal itself.  Whatever it was, it was just too philosophical, or existential, or something, for him to deal with tonight. 

“You’d be bored out of your skull and you know it.”

“Life is definitely never boring with you, Jimmy Boy.”

“It’s all you’ll ever need.” 

Neither commented, lost in thought until Jim started to wonder where Bones was taking him. 

“Are you taking me to your room?”  Jim looked around the empty corridor suspiciously.

“No, sorry, don’t think my roommate would appreciate my bringing home the Captain.”

Jim’s gut clenched, “Who?  Christine?” 

“Yeah, cause I wanna fuck my career up right from the start.”  He was aware that that went for being with Jim as well as Christine.  Fuck his life.  “No, just some nice unsuspecting science lieutenant.  Last thing he needs is to have you camped out on his couch.  He’s a nice guy, I’m not gonna inflict us on him.  Not when you have a perfectly good room.”

They stopped at a familiar door where Bones entered his medical override code. 

“Are you and Christine still…,” Jim trailed off.

Len didn’t quite know what he was asking.  “She’s my girlfriend, Jim.”

“You’re her supervisor.”

“Don’t worry.  I have no intention of making a public spectacle of myself.”

Was that a dig?  It felt like a dig.

Bones ushered him in, but Jim stopped just inside the door and looked around.  As much as he craved quiet and privacy he didn’t feel comfortable taking Pike’s quarters.

“You’re captain, Jim.  Chris isn’t going to be leaving medbay anytime in the foreseeable future.  There’s no reason for you not to bunk here.”

“What about the Vulcan elders and survivors?” 

“I knew you would ask.  I checked and everyone has been assigned housing.  They prefer to remain in one large group and one of the rec rooms has been repurposed.  It’s important for them to be together right now to help each other through this crisis.  Many have lost all of their bond mates and their familial bonds.  It is going to be a tremendous adjustment for them, they aren’t used to living alone in their own heads, which to them is silent and lonely.  They’re having to form temporary attachments to other survivors for their own mental health.

“Your mental health, however, depends on privacy and quiet.  You need to sleep, Jim.  This whole ship is depending on you to be rested and ready to command, so don’t argue with me on this.”

Probably the only argument Bones could have made that would make him quietly acquiesce was the one about duty and he knew it, but that didn’t keep it from being true.  Too many people were depending on him now and he had to take care of himself for them.

Jim looked at Bones, he looked tired and drawn, the tight lines around his eyes telling Jim that his eyes were bothering him.  If they had been home, Bones would have been wearing his glasses by now, but they, along with everything else they owned, were back at the dorm.  Everyone on the ship, with the exception of the few full-time crew members, were in the same boat.  Something he would have to deal with as soon as he was cleared for duty.  In the meantime he couldn’t let Bones’ condition pass without comment.

“You need to sleep too, Bones.” 

They stood on opposite sides of the bed staring at each other.   Jim looked at him with pleading eyes.  The unspoken plea, ‘please stay’, was deafening in the silent room.  Leonard was torn between his loyalty to Jim and his commitment to Christine, not that he would allow anything to happen with Jim other than sleep.  “Get in, Jim.  You’re still officially off duty until Beta shift.”

Jim did and settled on his side with his back to Len.  Len hesitated a moment longer.  His duty to Jim as his CMO and therefore his duty to the ship clearly took precedence over his obligation to Christine.  Or so he was willing to justify.  Not that this could be strictly defined as part of his duties, but he knew Jim wouldn’t sleep on his own.  If he left now, he knew how it would go.  Jim would toss and turn for a while and then get up and go right back to work.  So setting aside the fact that he really wanted to get into that bed, he needed to.

Len knew they weren’t really free to pursue anything beyond friendship at this point, but right now, this was just what he needed.  It was enough for tonight.  Even if Len could only give Jim a couple of hours, he would be here for him, because it was imperative that Jim get some restful sleep and sedation never helped.  It usually left him more hyper and exhausted afterwards and would be counterproductive under the circumstances.

Jim felt the bed dip and was pleased to feel Bones settle along his back.  He released a long breath he hadn’t realized he was holding. 

Len heard the long exhalation and snugged up closer to Jim and wrapped his arms around him, one cradling his head, his right hand on his chest, the other slung over his hip, his left hand resting low on Jim’s abdomen and focused on matching his breathing with the younger man’s.

All of the tension drained out of Jim as Bones pulled him into his body.  This was the position that made him feel safe.

Len held Jim as he fell asleep.  With his hands placed as they were, Len could feel the rise and fall of Jim’s chest and the heat of him.  It was the two points he used to anchor himself when he felt possessive, protective.  It was different with Christine, with Chis he slept with her tucked up tight under one arm, her head on his chest.  With Jim he preferred to spoon.  Having his cock pressed against the cleft of Jim’s ass gave him the feeling that this was his, that this was where he belonged, that Jim was his.  Len lied to himself a lot, but tonight he’d take what he could get.


	7. Chapter Six

**Stardate 2258.44 (Saturday, February 13, 2258)**

oOo 

Len woke disoriented trying to figure out where he was and what had woken him when the comm in his pocket vibrated again.  He turned his pelvis away from Jim hoping that he hadn’t noticed the vibration and fished the comm out.  He flipped it open and looked at the lit screen.  Christine.  Dammit, how long had he been here?  He looked to the chrono by the bed, 0417hrs.  Only two hour hours of sleep, he could have used more, he knew Jim definitely needed more, so he moved slowly as he scooted back and disentangled himself, carefully shifting Jim’s head to the pillow and trying to restore the circulation in his arm.  Len stood and felt around with one foot until he found his boots.  Instead of sitting on the bed again and risking waking Jim he picked them up and crept from the room.  He sat at the Captain’s desk and pulled his boots on then straightened his uniform.  He thought about leaving Jim a note, but figured he’d catch him in the morning and explain.

Len opened the hallway door and looked guiltily up and down the empty corridor before stepping out.  He wasn’t sure what he would have done if someone had been out there.  He supposed he looked guilty just because of his behavior and felt silly.  Nothing had happened.  He had made a medical call.  It was his job.

 

Jim woke when the door slid shut and blinked into the darkness.  He ran one hand over Bones’ side of the bed which was still warm, but empty.  He looked at the chrono and rubbed his eyes.  The bathroom door was open and the room was dark.  He sat up on the edge of the bed and tried to get his bearings.  The constant underlying thrum of the engines through the deck plates reminded him that he was on the Enterprise and he that he was in Pike’s room.

He couldn’t seem to make any effort to stand and after long minutes of just sitting with his head in his hands, he finally yawned and stood unsteadily.  He had to reach out and press one hand against the wall for support as he moved slowly toward the sitting area, but Bones was nowhere to be found.  He looked around the desk, but there was no note.  Bones used to leave him notes if he got called to medical in the middle of the night.  Jim pressed a button on the terminal on the desk, “Computer, locate Doctor McCoy.”

 _“Doctor McCoy is on deck 6, room 6-103A.”_   Deck 6 was medical, was that his room?

“Who’s assigned to that room?”

 _“Lieutenant Janelle Carver and Lieutenant Christine Chapel.”_  

He got up and went back to Christine. 

Somehow Jim hadn’t realized how much that would fucking hurt. 

Unable to face getting back into Pike’s large, cold bed alone, Jim decided to get dressed and go to work. 

 

There was plenty of work to be done.  He knew Bones would give him hell for going back on shift, but Jim didn’t give a damn right now.  Right now, he needed to keep busy.  He couldn’t lay in that bed, Bones’ side cooling, and think about what whose bed he was warming now, because that would lead to him imagining all sorts of things he was better off not.

Instead, Jim set himself up in the Ready Room and started working his way through the PADDs that detailed the Enterprise’s construction and outfitting.   

 

oOo

Len tried not to feel like he was sneaking around when he basically was as he entered the code to Christine’s door and slipped in before it was barely open enough to admit him.   He really didn’t need anyone seeing him leaving his commanding officer’s room in the middle of the night and going into his nurse’s. 

“Christine?”

He could see light visible under the bathroom door.

“Christine, honey, you ok?”

He heard a groan.  “Dammit, I’m comin’ in.”  The door slid open to reveal Christine lying on the floor wearing just a t-shirt, her pale face pressed to the cool metal deck.  “Chris!”  He knelt beside her and felt for her pulse.  It was rapid and she was covered in a thin sheen of sweat. 

“I got dizzy when I got up to use the bathroom.”  She tried to shake her wrist out of his grip.

“Did you hit your head again?”  Len pulled one eyelid up to check her pupil response.

“No, I just … I have a headache and,” she was a sickly shade of green, “… I’m gonna be sick!”

Len helped lever her up off the floor and held her head as she knelt over the toilet basin.  He brushed her hair back from her sweaty face and gathered it back out of her way.  When she had emptied the contents of her stomach, he got a cold wet cloth and gently held it to her brow.  He opened the small medkit he always carried on his belt, selected a hypo and administered an antimetic/pain reliever and sat with her until she felt well enough to take the cloth and wipe down her face and neck.

“Better?”

“Yeah, better.  Thanks,” she said weakly.

He stood, then crouched down and scooped Christine into his arms.  She gasped at the abrupt change of position.  Len smiled, “Can’t have you spendin’ the night on the floor.”  He carried her to the bed and placed her down gently and covered her, then took hold of her wrist.  Her pulse was slower now.

Len crouched down by the bed, resting his head on his crossed arms on the edge, and looked her over sternly, “I think you over did it today.  You’re off until Beta, try to get some sleep.”

Christine looked up into his concerned hazel eyes, “Can you stay?”  She knew she shouldn’t ask. 

“I can’t Chris.”  They needed to talk, but now was obviously not the time.  He searched for a plausible excuse, “I need to check on Pike.”

And Jim, she thought bitterly.  “I’m sorry I bothered you,” she said quietly.

“You’re never a bother, Sweetheart,” he brushed a stray blonde curl back behind one ear, and smiled.  “Get some rest.”

He gave her a chaste kiss on the forehead and she watched sadly as he let himself out. 

She knew he was right.  They had talked about what would happen if they were both assigned to Enterprise, she just hadn’t expected it to happen like this.  They should have had more time to work out their relationship. 

 

oOo

 Jim had been at it for about an hour when he heard the woosh of the Ready Room doors sliding open.  He looked up to find Spock observing him with one unimpressed eyebrow cocked.  It was early, not yet Alpha shift, but he knew Spock got to work early each day and, needing less sleep than a human, frequently worked other shifts as well.  So, whether Spock was early, or had never left, he couldn’t be sure.

“I’m not here.”

“That is clearly a falsehood.”

“Then pretend I’m not here.”

“That is illogical as you _are_ here.  Captain, you are on medical leave until Beta shift.”

“What?  Are you going to rat me out to, Bones?”

“You are disobeying a medical directive from the Chief Medical Officer.  Doctor McCoy must be informed.”

Jim looked at the stubborn set of the Vulcan’s features.  “Fine,” Jim huffed, “I’ll just take these PADDs back to my quarters.  Is that allowed?”

“I believe that would be permissible, however, Doctor McCoy’s clear intention was that you would sleep.”

“Yeah, well, Doctor McCoy can’t have it all,” Jim muttered as he stood and gathered his PADDs.  “He’ll have to settle for ‘off duty’.”

 

Spock may have chased him out of the Ready Room, but he sure as hell wasn’t going back to his empty quarters for long.  There was too much to be done.  He dropped his PADDs off in the room and headed to the shuttle bay instead.

 

oOo

Len found the medical bay quiet and the lighting dimmed.  He nodded to the nurse on duty at the intake desk, “Anything I need to know Hallard?”

“No, Sir.  Pretty quiet.  We have had a number of crew requesting sleep aids, but nothing too far out of the norm.”

“Well, most of them are probably too exhausted to have a problem sleeping tonight.  But I think we’re going to see those numbers increase dramatically, along with requests for anti-depressants.”  Len ran a tired hand through his hair.  So much to do and so little to do it with.  “How’s Captain Pike?”

“He’s been awake off and on.  When he’s coherent he demands to be briefed.  I keep putting him off, but I think his patience is wearing thin.”

Len sighed, “I’m surprised we managed to put him off this long.  Well, Captain Kirk should be able to sit down with him later today and fill him in on all the gory details.”   Len picked up Pike’s PADD.  “I think I’ll just look in on him.”

“Of course, Doctor.”

Len took a few minutes to check Pike’s vitals then sat in the chair next to his bed and powered the PADD up to review the readings for the last few hours.  It didn’t take long before the words and numbers started to swim and his eyes drifted shut as the quiet atmosphere and the rhythmic beeping of the biomonitors lulled him to sleep.  

 

oOo

The shuttle bay was dark and cold.  Jim had anticipated the lack of lighting and had grabbed a portable light source on his way by engineering.  Scotty wasn’t on shift yet, so he decided to head down to the bay and survey the cargo that was awaiting receiving.  The beam of his flashlight crawled over the shuttles secured to the deck closest to him: Moore, Warrant, Takayama, and at the end of this row, the last shuttle to have landed, the Gilliam, the one Bones had dragged him onto only two short days ago.  It was hard to believe it had only been two days.  Two days and his world had changed drastically, the whole damn Federation had changed drastically.

Jim stood contemplating the shuttlecraft before him.  He would have to ask Scotty to send a team to strip whatever usable items were on the shuttles.  He knew they carried enough emergency rations and medical supplies to sustain a crew of 12 for a week in harsh conditions.  Every little bit of food, fuel, or supplies that could be utilized from the shuttles would help.

Jim used his authorization code, he had one now that he was officially Acting Captain, sort of, of the Enterprise and unlocked the closest shuttle, the Moore.  He dug around the cargo compartments and was pleased to find that the shuttles had been fully stocked.  Those supplies, along with comfort items like blankets and pillows would be a blessing.

 

Jim locked up the shuttle behind him and walked across the bay to the cargo hold.  There he was faced with six large cargo containers, each of which contained numerous boxes.  He unlocked the first and threw back the top of the large plastic container and covered his ears as the noise of the top hitting the opposite side exploded across his senses and reverberated around the large empty space.  _Fuck._   It took several minutes for his ears to stop ringing as he hoisted himself up over the lip of the container and dropped down to the top of the first case.  He wasn’t as graceful as he usually was and landed heavily on one knee.  He rubbed it as he played his light across the boxes that were visible from the top.  This cargo container appeared to have a mix of boxes for Engineering, probably spare parts, and the biomed labs, most likely testing supplies.  They could definitely use the parts, but testing supplies weren’t on his short list of needed items. 

He moved some of the boxes at the top hoping to get a view of the ones beneath.  Bingo, there was one tagged in large red labels, Controlled Substances.  Medications.  Bones was going to be happy.  He would have to get Engineering and Medical to send people down to do the receiving inventory.

He worked his way through the other five containers trying to determine what had been delivered.  These crates had been dropped in the shuttle bay during the emergency preparations for launch.  He hadn’t been able to find any record their contents. 

All said, it looked like he had two pallets of non-perishable food items, some spare parts, medications, medical supplies, laboratory supplies, cleaning supplies, computer components and one box labeled Recreation.  That one turned out to be a mats, various balls, and a weight set for the gym. 

One box placed carefully at the top of one of the containers was merely labeled Captain Pike – personal.  Jim had given it a shake and heard the unmistakable musical sound of bottles clinking and sloshing inside.  The Captain’s private stock.  Well, he was pretty sure that Bones had Pike on a restricted diet, he would have no need for these in medbay.  Jim grabbed a cargo scanner from the supply room and scanned the box then personally delivered it to his quarters.

 

oOo

Len winced at the stiffness in his back and shoulders as he shifted on the hard chair.  He blinked his eyes open and found himself staring into the cool blue ones of Christopher Pike.

“’Bout time you woke up, Sleeping Beauty.”

Len ran one hand self-consciously over the rough beard that was now longer than he had worn since college.

“That’s against regulation by the way.”

“Yeah, like that’s the biggest thing I have to worry about.  Go ahead and write me up, Captain.”  Hell, he might as well start a running list at this point.  “Forgot to pack my razor.” 

Len stood and stretched and tried to work out the kinks while looking over Pike’s monitors. 

“How are you feeling, Captain?”

“Just dandy.  Just been laying here wondering why I can’t move and if my career is over and I’m going to have to buy Phil that retirement house he’s been nagging me about in Nevada.”

“Whoa, one thing at a time.  The reason you can’t move is because I’ve got you in a stasis beam.  I couldn’t have you moving around in your sleep or risk a repeat of yesterday’s fiasco.  You’re damn lucky you didn’t open your incision site.”  Len reached up and pressed a couple of buttons on the biobed control panel and Pike visibly sagged onto the mattress with a loud groan. 

“Oh, that’s better.”  He tentatively flexed his arms but seemed to struggle when he had a harder time getting his legs to respond.  “Len?”

“Relax, Chris, this is to be expected.  That damn bug did a number on your spinal cord and I had all I could do to patch it back together.”  Pike looked like he might be starting to panic.  “I fully expect you to recover close to full range of motion in both of your legs.”

Pike noticed his hesitation, “But?”

“But it’s going to take extensive therapy and it’s going to be a lot of hard work.  It’s a good thing that I know for a fact that you’re not afraid of hard work.  I also know that Phil will kick your ass if you don’t keep up with your therapy.”

“Well, as long as I don’t end up in some damn hover chair.”  Pike looked at Len suspiciously when he didn’t respond.

Len frowned, “I’m afraid that is exactly where you’ll be until you build up enough muscle tone to move on to a walker.  But I have every confidence that you will walk again with minimal assistance.”

“Minimal assistance?”

“You may need a cane to get around, but who knows?  I’ve been wrong before.  And I would love it if you prove me wrong.”

The Captain was looking a little unsettled and Len could see how tired he still was.   He motioned one of his nurses over and indicated that she should administer the next round of antibiotics and pain relievers.  He knew that it took time for a patient to come to terms with unpleasant news.  He would have to give him time to get used to his new physical limitations before they taxed him with any other news regarding the ship.

“I think that’s enough for now, Chris.  You should get some sleep.”

It said a lot that the Captain didn’t press him for any further information and within a matter of minutes was asleep again.

 

oOo

Back in his quarters, Jim set the unopened box on top of the liquor cabinet and went to clean up before heading to medbay.  He finally broke down and used Pike’s razor.  Bones was right after all, it was against regs and he needed to be the example.  Not to mention it was starting to itch. 

A few minutes later, Jim stood outside of the medbay doors and watched Bones talking to a female engineering ensign who was sitting on a biobed holding one arm out for his examination.

He knew he was early.  He wanted to get this over with as soon as possible, but then again, he didn’t want to show up too early and give Bones time to fuss at him.  It was a delicate balancing act, giving Bones enough time to check him over to where he felt satisfied with recertifying him, but not giving him enough time to fret about his lack of sleep and woeful diet.  That never boded well and Jim usually found himself hypoed more than technically necessary.  He didn’t want Bones to worry, but there was a damn limit to his patience with the whole medical thing.  Even from Bones. 

 

“Jim, I wasn’t expecting you in for another hour or so,” Len scowled when the doors opened to admit him.  “Well, since you’re here we might as well get this over with.”

“Always a pleasure to see you too, Bones.”

“Yeah, I’m a delight.”  Len gestured across the room, “Hop up on bed two.  I’ll be with you in a minute.”

Jim got on the bed and took the opportunity to look around.  The repairs on the bay were coming along nicely and the patients from the night before had been discharged.  The only long term resident was Captain Pike, who was still sleeping.  He slept a lot.  Bones had kept him sedated for the first 24 hours.  With his own injuries, Jim hadn’t had a chance to sit down and brief him on the condition of the ship.  Not that Bones had allowed anyone near him just yet.  He knew Bones was afraid of upsetting the Captain, but, unfortunately, Jim was going to have to make that report as soon as he was back on duty.

He turned his attention to Bones as he finished up with the ensign.  He had obviously cleaned up as well since the night before, he was now clean shaven.  As he approached, Jim remembered where Bones had spent the night and why he had probably needed to clean up. 

As Bones positioned himself in front of Jim, and Jim spread his knees to allow him to move closer, he tried hard to hide how unsettled he felt, but Bones was nothing if not observant.

“What’s wrong?” Len looked around the bay then back at Jim.

“Nothing.  Just thought of something I need to do.” 

Jim fidgeted on the high bed that placed him at the same height as the standing doctor. 

“Sit still.  I’m tryin’ to get a clear scan.”

While the scanners recorded his vitals, Bones visually examined the now barely perceptible bruising that was all that remained after the regeneration process.  The scanners beeped their completion and he turned his attention to the readouts.  Jim took advantage of the brief distraction to get himself under control.

Then Bones slid one cool hand up along Jim’s neck, tilting his head to inspect the fading bruises and gently palpated the underlying bone and cartilage with the other.  The fact that Bones preferred to be hands-on could be a problem.  Jim needed to hurry this along.

“Can’t you just sign off?”

“What’s your hurry? Spock and Scotty aren’t even here yet.” 

Jim tracked Chapel as she entered the bay, Len’s hands still at his throat.  “I’ve just got a lot of stuff to do.”  Her eyes scanned the bay and met his before skipping away.

“Swallow for me.”  Jim’s mouth went suddenly dry and he found it difficult to follow that simple order.  He looked at Bones, but his eyes were trained on Jim’s throat.

Bones watched intently and felt the play of muscle as Jim swallowed.

He stepped back and gave Jim a disapproving look, “You know damn well I’m not gonna rush this just ‘cause you’ve got ants in your pants.”

“Really, Bones?  You gotta treat me like I’m twelve?”

“You don’t want me to treat you like a child, stop actin’ like one.”  Bones’ hand was now under his shirt, moving along his ribs.  He looked Jim directly in the eye, “Pediatrics is not my specialty.”

“What is your specialty, Doctor?”  Jim was lost in the hazel eyes and the feel of Bones’ hand moving up his side and couldn’t help the automatic response. 

“You know damn well what my specialties are,” Bones responded, his voice pitched low.

Bones looked away to the monitors.  Jim almost choked on his own saliva and swallowed hard.  Was he literally referring to his medical specialties, or was he responding to Jim’s innuendo?  Did he not know Chapel was _right there_? 

Jim hitched a breath and Bones looked back, “Does that hurt?” 

Hurts like hell.  “No.  Just, you’re hands are cold.  Why are doctor’s hands … always so cold?”  He looked away and trailed off. 

 

Christine tried to busy herself at the nurse’s station, but couldn’t keep her eyes from returning to Biobed 2 and the two men.

She observed the intimate stance, Len between Kirk’s knees, Kirk leaning ever so slightly into the large hand pressed against his throat.  She watched as Len moved his hand along Kirk’s chest beneath his shirts and both men looked directly into each other’s eyes.  The low murmur of words was impossible to make out at this distance, the tone was soft but there was a tension in the air.  The way the two men looked at each other felt almost like a challenge and something passed between them before Len broke the gaze and looked away and it was gone.  Kirk moved back to his insolent slouch and Len crossed his arms across his chest, frowned and stared him down, the commanding CMO once again. 

 

“So?  Am I cleared?

Bones pursed his lips and pushed out a loud breath, “Yeah.  You’re cleared.”   Jim moved to stand, “Under one condition.”  Jim settled again and looked at him annoyed.

“What condition?” he asked warily.

“You need to eat something more substantial than a protein bar.”

“Sure, you got it Doc.”  Jim moved to stand but Bones held him back.

“No, I mean now.  Here.  I want to see you eat something.”

Len caught the fleeting evasive look in Jim’s eye as he tried to think of an excuse of why that wouldn’t happen.  “Your choice Jim.  You eat or you can remain on medical leave.”

Jim knew Bones had him dead to rights.  He hadn’t eaten anything outside of medical other than a few emergency rations.  He was hungry, but the thought of food turned his stomach.  When he tried to eat he got nauseous.  If he managed to choke something down, he had to fight to keep it down.  He was very aware of the number of people on the ship and the limited supplies they had on hand.  Spock had reassured him that with strict rationing, they were in no danger of running out of supplies as long as they were delayed no longer than a day or two on their present course.   But Jim knew what could happen when an expected rescue was unexpectedly delayed.

Len saw the anxiety beginning to manifest and softened his approach.  “Come on, Jim.  I’m not asking you to have a three course meal, just something light, but nutritious.”  When he didn’t answer, but didn’t refuse Len continued, “I’ll order a tray to be sent up.  Once you’ve eaten we’ll get Spock and Scotty in here to exchange command.  Ok?”

Jim nodded reluctantly, “Yeah, ok, Bones.” 

“Make yourself comfortable, I’ll be back in a few.”

Len moved to the nurse’s station.  Christine looked up at his approach.  “I’m gonna duck out for a minute, keep an eye on the Captain and don’t let him leave.”  She looked at Kirk over Len’s shoulder, he was fidgeting on the biobed and looked ready to bolt the minute he had the chance. 

Christine was still smarting from the reprimand the last time she had let Kirk leave medical.  “How do you propose we keep him here if he wants to leave?”

“I’m sure you’ll think of something.”

“Heavy restraints?” She asked hopefully.

Len had to ignore the twitch his cock made at that suggestion.  “I’m sure it won’t come to that.  But you can threaten him all you want.”

“Will do,” she smirked.

True to expectations, as soon as Len was out the door, Jim hopped off the bed.

“Where do you think you’re going?”

“Just have to check in with the Bridge.  Tell McCoy that I’ll stop back a little later.”

“Not on your life, Captain.  Either you sit back down on that bed willingly, or he said we have permission to restrain you.”

“You wouldn’t.”

Christine gave him a stony look, “Try me.”

Jim quickly ran through the possible outcomes, all of which ended with some loss of his dignity and Bones’ wrath.  “Fine,” he huffed.

Jim lay down on the bed and tried not to let his thoughts wander to unwelcome topics.  Like Bones restraining him, like the feel of cuffs around his wrists.  The images were dragging up a complex mixture of painful memory and unwelcome fantasy.  Once again his thoughts started to spiral down into memories he’d tried very hard to repress.  Of a time when he’d had all of his control taken from him and he’d been at the mercy of someone with a tenuous grasp on sanity.  Jim felt the telltale trigger symptoms.  His heart was pounding, he was starting to sweat, his palms were cold and clammy, his fingers and toes were going numb, his chest was getting tight and it was getting harder to breathe. 

He was only dimly aware of Bones’ angry exclamation, “Dammit, Jim!”, as he slapped the biocontrols and the monitors instantly began alarming.  “Alright, kid, look at me.”  Bones face swam into view above him, “That’s it, come on Jim, focus on me.”  There was one large warm hand on his chest, the other had taken Jim’s hand and pressed it to the doctor’s chest.  “I want you to focus on my breathing.”  Jim felt Bones’s chest expand as he took a deep breath and slowly released it.  “Come on, breathe with me.”  So for the next few minutes that was all Jim was aware of, Bones’ broad chest under his hand, his slow breaths in and out, and the warm hand on his chest.  When the room came back into focus, and the monitors slowed, Bones seemed satisfied.

Len had returned to find Jim as white as a sheet.  He’d set the tray down with a thump on the bedside table.  Once Jim had his breathing under control color returned slowly to his face and as he became more aware, his cheeks pinked in embarrassment.  “Sorry, Bones,” Jim whispered.

“What goes on in that damn head of yours?  I can’t leave you alone here for two minutes without you having a panic attack?”

“It…it wasn’t that.”

“Well, what was it then?”

Jim turned a darker shade of red.  “I really don’t want to talk about it.”  His eyes darted around to each person working around the bay, it was a very public area.

Len looked around.  “Yeah, alright.  But we are going to talk about this at some point.”  He ignored the stubborn look Jim gave him and picked up the tray he’d brought back from the mess.  “Here, right now, I want you to eat.”

Jim knew he was off the hook for the moment on the panic attack, but he knew Bones wouldn’t forget about it.  But right now he had to deal with the tray of food.  He sat for several minutes staring it down like he was facing a Klingon in full battle armor. 

Len was losing his patience, “Knock it off, the sooner you eat the sooner you get out of here.”

Well, there was that incentive.  Jim picked up a spoon and picked at the food.  “Pudding?  Really?  Isn’t that a medical cliché?”

“Consider it a reward.  You can eat it if you finish the rest.”

It was chocolate.  Jim’s favorite.

He turned his attention to the bowl of hot soup, tomato, and the half of a grilled cheese sandwich.  Jim was grateful that the portions were small.  He was pretty sure the doctor had requested that.  Their food situation was alarming, but it wasn’t as dire as it personally felt to Jim.  As long as the ship made the voyage to Earth within the two week window, they would have enough.  Nothing fancy mind you, just basic staples, but the meals would be filling and satisfy the nutritional requirements.  Doctor McCoy had seen to that.  He had consulted personally with the Mess Manager and revamped the menu offerings accordingly.

No, Jim’s food issues didn’t have much to do with their reality at the moment.  He was haunted by his past and their current situation had just brought it to all to the surface.  Seemed like this voyage was bound to bring a lot of his issues to the surface.

“Well don’t just pick at it, eat it.  Or do I need to feed you like I used to feed Joanna?”  That threat spurred Jim to move the spoon to his mouth. 

“Oh, hey, that reminds me.”

Len took one of Jim’s hands in his own and placed a small purple butterfly in his palm.  They both looked at it for a moment before Jim curled his fingers tightly around it obscuring it from sight.  He had thought he’d lost it. 

Len indicated his closed fist, “I didn’t know you’d kept that.” 

“Of course I did.”  Jim looked up at Len, his eyes filled with determination, “I will get you back to her, Bones.” 

A small smile lifted the corners of his mouth, “I know you will.  If it weren’t for you, Jim, she wouldn’t be there waiting for me.”  Len cleared his throat, “Now finish your lunch.  I’ll comm Spock and Scotty.”

 

Len watched Jim from the cover of his office as the younger man ate his lunch very slowly, laboring over every bite and chewing each about thirty times before forcefully swallowing it.  It was different from how he usually wolfed his food down while talking a mile a minute.  Len shook his head and turned back to his desk.  

Len might not have any specific information on Jim’s personal experiences on Tarsus, but he wouldn’t be worth his salt if he hadn’t done his research.  When he had become aware that Jim had been present on the doomed colony, he had combed the medical journals for survivor’s stories and the issues they faced reintegrating into society.

Jim exhibited some of the most common symptoms including anxiety surrounding food.  Len was aware that he had some protein bars and other non-perishables hidden around their dorm room.  It seemed that just knowing it was there made him less anxious.  Some survivors struggled with cycles of binging and purging, but Jim’s food insecurities would more often result in denying himself food.  As Jim’s doctor he itched to scan him on a daily basis to see if he had been eating, but as his friend he had learned to respect Jim’s experience and trust his ability to manage his own food intake.  It might not be as much or as varied as Len would like, but the kid had kept himself alive this long and Len doubted he could have done as well under the same circumstances. 

Jim also displayed textbook symptoms of PTSD such as difficulty sleeping, nightmares, flashbacks and panic attacks.  He had made tremendous progress at controlling his anxiety in the years they had been at the academy, but Len knew he had never really dealt with his experiences on Tarsus.  One thing Len’s Ph.D. in Psychology and his own life experience had impressed on him was that if you don’t deal with your demons, they will deal with you, and it’s gonna hurt.  There was only so long Jim was going to be able to outrun his issues before he was forced to deal with them.  

Len never knew when something would trigger an anxiety attack, like today.  He wouldn’t have thought that just leaving Jim alone in medbay would upset him, but there was no error in his diagnosis.  Jim had been headed to a full-blown panic attack if Len hadn’t shown up when he had and talked him down.  And he was pretty sure that Jim experienced more triggered responses than he ever let on.  He wasn’t sure what had set him off this time, but he would try to pry it out of the kid later.

 

While Jim ate, Len had summoned the Acting Captain to the medbay and was surprised to find him on his office doorstep minutes later.

Scotty looked apologetic, “Hope ’m not too early, Doc.  I just really want tae hand the chair back tae the Captain. I’ve go’ enough of my own responsibility without all o’ his too.

Len chuckled at his eager expression.  “Well, we can do this quick, we just need Spock here as a witness.”

“I am here, Doctor.”

Once Spock and Scotty arrived it was a simple matter of reading the order into the ship’s record and attaching his medical authorization to Spock’s recommendation.

 

oOo

Jim’s first official act after reinstatement was to brief Captain Christopher Pike.

Pike looked Jim over as he approached the biobed.  The older man was alert and responsive, but he was still confined to bed, lying flat and still. 

“I was beginning to wonder if you were avoiding me.”

Jim knew it was just bluster.  Bones had kept the Captain apprised of Jim’s status while avoiding any discussions about the mission.  Jim saluted and stood at attention next to the bed.  “Sir, Acting Captain Kirk reporting as ordered.”

“Cut the crap, Kirk and pull up a chair.  This isn’t the time for formalities.  Tell me what’s happened to my ship.  Why are we traveling at impulse and where the hell are we if we haven’t reached Earth yet?”

Jim should have known Pike could deduce the basics of the situation without ever leaving his bed. 

“The ship was damaged in the battle with the Narada and repairs have been ongoing,” Jim hedged.

“Then why are we traveling at impulse and why have you instituted energy conservation protocols?  What did you do to my warp engines, Jim?”

_Damn._

“Answer me, Kirk.”

Pike’s authority wasn’t diminished by his condition.  Jim shifted uncomfortably in the hard chair.  “The engines are gone, sir.”

“The engines are gone,” Pike repeated and waited for Jim to explain.

“When the red matter ignited it caused another tear in space time.  When the Narada was sucked into the anomaly we were caught in the gravity well and the only way we could get clear was to jettison the warp core and detonate it.”

“You jettisoned the warp core.” 

Jim nodded.

“Did I, or did I not, tell you not to break my brand new ship.” 

“Technically, you told Spock.”

“Don’t split hairs with me.  You know damn well that went for you, too.”

Jim wisely kept his smart ass comments to himself and let the Captain process the information.

Pike finally sighed, “Well, that explains the impulse power and power conservation.  A blast that size must have thrown us into the next star system.  How long till we get home?”

“This is day two, we have twelve more days.”

“What are our orders?”  Pike pinned Jim with a look as he started to fidget again, “What aren’t you telling me?”

Jim responded reluctantly, “We lost the communications array in the battle.  We haven’t had any contact with Starfleet since before we dropped out of warp at Vulcan.”

Pike was stunned.  “No communications?”  Then no one knew where they were.

“Scotty has been working around the clock trying to fix the array.  But we’re so far out that even if he manages to jury rig some type of repair, we’re nowhere near a relay station and won’t be for another four days.”

Pike’s face clouded, “Phil.”

Jim nodded knowingly, “They probably think we’re dead.”  His thoughts went once again to Joanna and Eleanora McCoy.  “Our families would have been notified.” 

“So, for the last two days you’ve been essentially flying blind.”

Jim just shrugged. 

“Fill me in.”

So Jim briefed him on the ship’s condition, the status of the survivors and crew, the supply shortages and the ongoing repairs. 

When he was finished Pike gave a low whistle.  “That’s a hell of a lot to deal with with no oversight or direction.” 

“We’ve tried to create a plan instead of moving from crisis to crisis putting out the flames, but sometimes I find myself just reacting to what needs to get done the most.”

“Where is Spock in this whole process?  No offense Jim, you sound like you’re doing a hell of a job considering, but explain to me why Spock isn’t Captain.  McCoy said that he resigned after the destruction of Vulcan.”

Once again Jim was forced to confront his guilt for using Spock’s grief to his own advantage.  He was going to have to do something to make that right.  “Spock was emotionally compromised and he submitted his resignation.”

Pike scrutinized him, “That doesn’t sound like him.  I’ve never known Spock to let his emotions interfere with his duties.”

“I may have forced his hand.”  God, he did not want to go into this.

“What did you do, Jim?”

Jim took a deep breath and let it out, “Spock thought the best plan of action was to rendezvous with the fleet in the Laurentian system before confronting Nero.  I couldn’t let him do that.  If I had, Nero would have destroyed Earth.”

“So Spock just handed over command to you based on a difference of opinion?”

“We came to a compromise.”

“Mm hm.”  Pike knew Jim wasn’t telling him the whole story.  Either to protect himself or Spock he wasn’t sure, so he changed tack.  “Tell me about Delta Vega and Scott.”  That seemed to get a rise out of the younger man.

Fuck.  What did Bones tell him?  Well, Jim hadn’t told Bones the whole story, so Pike couldn’t know much. 

“Well, like you said, Spock and I had a difference of opinion on what our next course of action should be.”

“And he, what?  Sent you to Delta Vega?”

“Ok, look, I may have questioned his authority.  I may even have become a little aggressive, but he was wrong,” Jim was starting to get defensive.

“I know you, Jim, you wouldn’t have willingly left this ship.”

Jim took a moment to compose his thoughts before he continued and decided it was best to keep this brief.  “Spock did what he thought was necessary.  He wasn’t exactly thinking straight at the time.  When I got back on the ship we came to a compromise and he resigned.  I met Mr. Scott at the Starfleet outpost on Delta Vega and, knowing that we were in need of a Chief Engineer, I brought him back to the ship with me.  When Doctor McCoy found it necessary to sedate me to treat my injuries, it was necessary per regulation to transfer command.  Since Doctor McCoy hadn’t had time to perform Spock’s psych eval and recertify him fit for duty, Mr. Scott agreed to take command temporarily.  Now that I’m better I’ve reassumed command and Spock is currently being evaluated.  By this evening he should be reinstated as First Officer.” 

Pike gave him a skeptical look.  He knew Kirk was blowing sunshine up his ass and had glossed over the details, but until he could read the official ship’s record, and who knew how long that would be with his over protective physician keeping an eagle eye on his every twitch, he would have to give Kirk the benefit of the doubt.  The kid _had_ been performing admirably under the circumstances, so he had no reason to doubt that the ship was in good hands. 

“Ok, Jim.  If that’s how you want to play it, we’ll go with that for now.”

Jim breathed a sigh of relief.  He really didn’t want to dwell on the negative aspects of the last few days and he wasn’t sure how much he should say, even to Pike.  For now he was willing to let it slide and deal with the fallout later.  He just hoped he could explain events to Starfleet’s satisfaction without damaging anyone’s future careers.  Because if the full details were read into the official record, there probably wasn’t anyone who would come out unscathed.  He could face charges of mutiny for disobeying Spock, Spock could face censure for assault and ignoring regulations to exile him, Scotty was guilty of disobeying his disciplinary restrictions, and Bones could find himself facing a charge of medical malpractice as well as an official reprimand for bringing him onboard.  He just hoped that Starfleet would agree that the ends had justified the means.

 

oOo

As Christine discreetly kept an eye on the doctor and his patient, she tried to come to terms with the feeling of … what? Jealousy? … that was squirming in her gut.  

She knew she had no real claim on Len.  She also knew that here, in his medbay, she needed to keep things professional.  But they _were_ still in a relationship and she had to be honest, she had gotten accustomed to how well Len treated her.  But as she watched she realized that Len had never looked at her the way he looked at Kirk.  How had she not seen that?  She was also starting to feel a little stupid now that she realized it wasn’t Jocelyn he had been pining over. 

Christine had all of these thoughts as she worked on the crew file project the CMO had assigned his staff.  They were creating medical charts for all of the crew members and guests currently aboard, entering any medical treatment or doctor’s notes, syncing those with housing and shift assignments, recording species specific nutritional requirements and establishing a schedule for required medical appointments. 

When Kirk was finally out of earshot and had gone back to see Pike, Chapel spoke to Len under her breath.  “Do you think you two could tone it down?” 

“The hell you talkin’ about?” Len’s warning was obvious in the menacing drop in the timbre of his voice.

“You know damn well what I’m talking about,” she said quietly.

Len looked around to make sure no one was listening in.

“My office.  _Now_.”

Len waited until Christine had preceded him then followed her in and locked the door behind them.  He sure as fuck hoped this office was sound proofed.  He didn’t need his staff getting an earful.  And of course Jim had to be out there too.  That knowledge just ramped up his anger.

“Now you wanna tell me what’s goin’ on?  ‘Cause I don’t think I like your insinuations.”

Christine bristled, “Oh, like you weren’t with Kirk when I called you last night?  Like you didn’t hurry back to him as soon as you left my room?”

Len was nonplussed, “Where the hell did you get that idea?”

“Go ahead,” she challenged.  “Deny it.”

“I won’t.”  He shook his head and backtracked, “Well, part of it I will.  I _was_ with him before you commed me.  After the regens were finished I moved him to his quarters to recover and I stayed to make sure he got to sleep.”  Jim was a patient, she didn’t need to know the details.  “But after I left your quarters I came here.”

Christine looked dubious.  “You came here.”

“I did.”  He studied her for a beat longer, his eyes searching hers.  “If you’re implyin’ what I think you’re implyin’,” and he sure as hell hoped he was wrong, “the only person I _slept_ with last night was Pike.”

Because it cut too close to the truth, or because he was offended that she would think he would cheat on her, he didn’t examine too closely.  Instead, he looked at her outright disbelief and got angry.  Len crossed his arms over his chest and tried not to look defensive.  “If you don’t believe me, go ahead and ask him.”  Pike had started this, he owed him.

Christine huffed, “He’ll probably just cover for you.”

“I don’t need anyone to ‘cover’ for me!”  Len rolled his shoulders and tried to reign in his anger.  “Ok, this has gone far enough, Chris.  We need to get a few things straight right now.  You and I, this…,” he gestured between them, and took a deep breath before he said something too harsh that he would regret later, “This can’t go on.  Not here.” 

Christine was upset, but deep down Len knew she understood.  

“Here I’m your supervisor, your superior officer, and fraternization is against regulation.  We’re going to have to stick to Doctor and Nurse while we’re on Enterprise.” 

Len was deliberately sidestepping the bigger issue, but they were in his office in the middle of the fucking medbay.  This conversation was highly inappropriate and he hoped like hell she would leave it at that.

But she didn’t.  “What happens when we get back to Earth?”

“Dammit, Chris,” he huffed in frustration.  “I don’t want to have this conversation here, now.”

“I guess that answers my question,” Christine bit out as she hit the lock release on the door and stalked toward the medical labs, completely ignoring Jim as she passed him.

 

Jim saw Chapel storm out of the CMO’s office and wasn’t surprised when Bones came out right after her.

“What’s wrong, Doctor?  Your personal life getting in the way of work?” Jim asked.  He couldn’t help himself.  He was feeling a little petty and vindictive. 

Which of course backfired on him when Bones looked him up and down disgustedly and said, “Yes, Captain, it sure is as hell is,” and stalked away after Chapel.

 

oOo

Jim chewed on that as he headed back up to the bridge.  He had too much on his plate right now, but he still found himself acutely aware of Bones’ presence on the ship, in a way that he hadn’t been at the academy.  Not since he had moved out of their dorm room and in with Marlena.  He had to make sure that didn’t get in the way of _his_ work. 

Jim pushed those thoughts aside as he found his path blocked as he tried to pass the Mess Hall. 

There was a large gathering of crew members in the corridor in front of the double doors leading into the enlisted mess, the primary dining hall for the crew.  The ship had a dedicated officer’s mess, but Jim had ordered that closed to consolidate resources.  He preferred the idea of everyone sharing one space regardless of rank and it was where he chose to eat.  When he ate.  He hadn’t been down this corridor since before Bones had placed him on medical leave.

Jim approached the crowd trying to see over the heads of the people in front of him.  Something had been posted on the interior bulkhead.  As he approached, crew members noting his presence stepped aside and allowed him access.  He came to a stop in front of a large panel on which someone had drawn a make-shift memorial. 

Now that the crisis has been averted the crew was starting to realize what had been lost in what many were calling the Battle of Vulcan.  The ship was out of touch with Starfleet and they had no contact with their families.  Everyone on board had lost someone.  Until they had a casualty list they were living on edge, knowing from what they had witnessed that they were very likely the only survivors of the encounter with Nero, but until they had confirmation and a casualty list, there was hope.  Jim wasn’t going to be the one to destroy that hope, not yet, but it reinforced the urgent need, and Jim’s determination, to reestablish contact with Starfleet Command.

Nine ships had responded to the distress call on Vulcan and each was represented on the wall with the names of some of their crew members filled in beneath, including the Enterprise and her casualties.  Jim watched for a moment with mixed feelings as people took turns filling in the names of friends under the ship’s that they knew they had been assigned to.  The losses weighed heavily on him and seemed to multiply as each name was added.

Jim was a very social creature and he had known a great many of the cadets at the Academy, not just the ones in his year.  He had considered many friends, not on the level of Bones, but something more than just acquaintances, so he knew a number of the names on the wall. 

 

 **USS Enterprise** –Chief Medical Officer Sanjeev Puri, Chief Engineer Heinrik Olson, Ensign Scott Randall, Cadets Jonathan Digby and Keiji Nguyen.  Digby had been an extremely bright engineering student, not on the level of Chekov, but damn close.  Nguyen had been one of Bones’ orderlies and a half decent Parrises Squares player.

 **USS Farragut** –Captain Stephen Garrovick - Jim had served aboard her for a semester in his second year.  He felt this loss keenly because he knew quite a few of the crew.

 **USS Antares** – Cadet Peter Petrovsky - he had been in Jim’s Astrophysics course.

**USS Armstrong**

**USS Hood** – (Her name wasn’t on the wall yet and Jim wasn’t going to be the one to add it, not until he had some type of official confirmation, but he had heard that Marlena has been assigned to the Hood.)

 **USS Mayflower** – Cadet Carol Marcus - Jim had met her one night with Bones, she was Chapel’s roommate.

 **USS Newton** – Cadets Carson Blake and Jennifer Leifer – Carson had been his co-pilot on a few flights and Jennifer had shared her notes in Federation History.

 **USS Odyssey** – Cadets Cynthia Pomoroy and Anthony Counter – Cindy and Tony.  They had planned on getting married right after graduation.  It was a morbid thought, but there was some comfort in the fact that at least they had been together.

**USS Truman**

**USS Wolcott** – Cadet Brian McGrath – Brian had been kind of a competitive asshole, but he had the talent to back it up and Jim had respected that. 

 

Jim watched in pained silence as Uhura took the pen and wrote Gaila’s name on the wall below the Farragut and was startled by Spock’s voice at his elbow. 

“I find the need to publicly display one’s grief illogical, but Nyota assures me that the crew will find it cathartic.”

Jim gave a side look to find Spock beside him, his hands clasped behind his back, his eye’s trained on Uhura.  “I’m sure she’s right.  Did you approve this?”  As First Officer, Spock was in charge of personnel matters.  This would fall firmly under his jurisdiction.

“There was no formal request as it appears to have been an impromptu act.  When it was brought to my attention, I could find no reason to insist on its removal.”  Spock seemed to reconsider his decision and turned to Jim.  “I had not thought to seek your approval, but it is within your authority.  Do you wish its removal, Captain?”

Jim didn’t want to undermine his First Officer’s authority and his personal discomfort wasn’t a valid reason to keep others from expressing themselves.  “No, I just wanted to make sure that you were being consulted in matters regarding the crew.”

“Indeed.   However, I have had several requests that I feel require further discussion.  I am uncertain how to proceed and would like further input before rendering a decision.”

Uhura joined them, her eyes glistening and shifting suspiciously between the two stoic men.  “Captain, I hope you won’t make us take down the memorial.”

“I’ll defer to Commander Spock’s decision.  It probably is a good idea to get people expressing their emotions.  Better than bottling them up.”  He heard the hypocrisy of his words, but this was about his crew, not him.  He was perfectly capable of enforcing what was best for his crew, even if he couldn’t take the advice himself.  “Well, it’s getting late, Mr. Spock.  Why don’t we take up that other matter at tomorrow’s Department meeting?”

“Of course, Captain.”

Jim nodded to Spock and Uhura and continued on his way to the Bridge.

Uhura watched as Kirk entered the turbolift and continued to frown at the closed doors. 

“You are troubled.”

“He was close to Gaila, closer than almost anyone else, but he didn’t seem upset at all.”

“You are letting your own emotions color your perceptions of the Captain.  You yourself have informed me that people process grief differently.”  He took in her stiff posture for a moment before continuing, “I dare speculate that the Captain feels he cannot allow himself a personal display of emotion.  His command position makes it necessary for him to remain in control at all times.  As a human, it is perhaps one of the less pleasant restrictions placed on him by his position.”

Uhura sighed and loosened her stance, “You’re right, as usual.”   She continued to contemplate the closed turbolift doors, “But what a lonely way of life that’s going to be for him.”

“Nyota,” Spock’s tone held a sharp edge of warning, “it is a situation which does not require your intervention.”

She didn’t want to get into an argument, so she just gave him a small smile, “We’ll see.”

 

oOo

Jim continued to stew over Bones’ words while he sat on the bridge, where he spent the rest of Beta in the Captain’s chair.  He had given Spock the remainder of the shift off since he had covered for Jim while he was resting.  They would start Alpha shift fresh tomorrow with a meeting with all of the Department heads to go over all aspects of the ship’s condition. 

He signed off on the last PADD a yeoman had handed him before he handed the conn, and the chair, over to Lieutenant Myers and the Gamma crew.

Jim headed back to his quarters, and locked himself in, intending to bury himself in the communications schematics Scotty had forwarded to his personal PADD earlier that evening.  He welcomed the distraction which would keep his mind occupied.  He had had too much mental down time on the bridge and he’d found his thoughts returning again and again to Bones and Christine, and Marlena. 

He needed to get the communications array functioning as much as anyone else on this ship.  Not only had he promised Bones, but he felt like he was living in some kind of limbo without really knowing if Marlena was dead or alive.  It had been easy to push thoughts of her aside during the ensuing crisis and if he had still been having any doubts, that right there would have told him where his feelings for her stood, because no matter what was happening, Bones was always there somewhere in his thoughts. 

He hoped like hell Marlena had found a way to escape the devastation he had seen Nero inflict on the fleet but he was a realist.  Even so, he just wasn’t ready to write her name on that wall, not without a casualty list.  He knew a lot of his crew was struggling with the same problem.  You knew, but you didn’t know.  And until they had confirmation it was tempting to pretend it just wasn’t true.  It was so horrific that it was hard to wrap your head around, hard to believe it was reality and not just a bad dream. 

He owed it to his crew to find a way to get them the closure they needed.  He was also blazingly aware that he didn’t have the luxury of dwelling on his personal issues, because he couldn’t allow them to get in the way of his duties. 

With that thought Jim settled in at the desk and focused on the complicated technical report that could be their first step towards a solution.

 

oOo

The rest of Beta had been a blur.  Between recertifying Jim for duty, approving the exchange of command and performing Spock’s psych eval, overseeing Pike’s care and maneuvering the minefield Christine had laid, Len was physically and emotionally exhausted.  But before he could log out for Gamma, leaving one of the interns in charge, he had several patients he had to check on in their quarters.  House calls they used to call it, but here, with everyone so close at hand, it was just a natural extension of his daily rounds.  He had left the most difficult case for last.  He wasn’t looking forward to dealing with the crew member the First Officer had informed him had violated his medical directives.

 

The door beeped it’s acceptance of his medical override a scant second before sliding open, giving Jim no prior warning.  He looked up from the work on his desk to see Bones approaching with a no nonsense expression on his face and his heart thumped hard in his chest at the sudden, unexpected confrontation.

“Is that ethical, Doctor?” Jim bit out Len’s title.

Len knew his ethics were fucked where Jim was concerned, but he tried hard to remain professional.  “You need to sleep, Jim.  You didn’t get enough last night.  I was informed that you disregarded my medical directive.”

Damn.  Spock must have seen his authorization code in the shuttle bay and ratted him out to Bones after all. 

Len correctly interpreted the cloud that crossed the younger man’s face, “It’s Spock’s job to keep me informed of crew health issues.”  Len started to ready a hypo, “Gotta say the Hobgoblin is very efficient and not swayed in the least by rank.” 

Jim looked thunderous as Len held up the hypo.

“I don’t need that.” 

“You didn’t sleep last night.”

“Couldn’t sleep after you went back to Christine.”

Len was caught off guard by the accusation and cast around trying to figure out how Jim could have known until he realized Jim had used his authority as the Captain and used the computer to locate him.  He pinned him with a look, “Jim, you cannot track me around the ship.  It’s an invasion of privacy.”

“She’s your subordinate now,” he hissed angrily, like Len could have forgotten that fact.

“I wasn’t sleepin’ with her, she couldn’t sleep.”  The look of vindication in Jim’s eyes just pissed him off even more.  He probably owed his Captain an explanation, but he wouldn’t give Jim the satisfaction.  He was caught between having to juggle Christine’s care and Jim’s and patient confidentiality still applied, Captain, or not. 

Welcome to his special triangular version of hell.

Bones brandished the hypo, but Jim pushed back further out of his reach.  He knew he was being childish, petulant, but right now he just didn’t give a fuck.  “No.”

“You know, I’ve had a shit day, too, Jim.  So, stop actin' like a goddamn infant.  I’ve got other patients to see.”   

“Is that why you’re here?  Responsibility?  Well, fuck you.”  

Jim knew he was being an asshole, but his feelings had been hurt.  “Perhaps you should leave, Doctor.”  He hated that Bones was making him feel like just another responsibility.

“Yeah, perhaps I should,” Len replied quietly.  He hated the fact that he needed to keep Jim at a distance.  It wasn’t what the kid needed right now.  He turned to leave, but before he did he set the loaded hypo on the edge of the desk.  “Use it if you need it, Captain.  You need your sleep.”

Jim watched as Bones walked away, but stopped just short of the spot that would trigger the door.  He didn’t turn around, didn’t look at Jim and addressed his comment to the closed door instead.  “You’ll never be _just_ a patient to me, Jim.”  With that he moved forward and stepped through the now open door.

Jim just watched as it slid shut in his wake.

 

oOo

Len stood in the corridor in indecision before turning and retracing his steps.  He stood in front of the closed door trying to get his thoughts in order before pressing the button to announce his presence.  He wondered briefly if he would be allowed to enter when the door slid open.  He took one step across the threshold into the dim room and waited until the door slid shut at his back granting him privacy before he spoke, “We need to talk.”

Christine looked up from the PADD in her lap.  He knew she had been expecting him.  He had given her time to think after the dust up in the CMO’s office.  Len had followed her to the labs, but they had agreed that what they needed to say couldn’t be said at work. 

“Chris, I can’t do this anymore.  I’m sorry.”

Christine laughed, but it wasn’t her usual sunny laugh, it was a small wounded thing and it hurt Len to hear it.  She sniffed and tried to put on a smile, but it slid away, “Guess I’m just a little slow on the uptake.  I really should have seen what was going on earlier.  The way you get so upset when he’s sick or hurt, the way you blow everything where he’s concerned out of proportion, always worrying.  Huh.”  She looked puzzled, “I must really be some kind of idiot to have thought that you were still hung up on your ex.”  She pinned him with an accusatory look, “And you never put me straight, you let me believe it.  If you really respected me, you would have told me.” 

“Christine, it’s not like that.”

“No?  Because that’s exactly what it looks like.  Do you love him?”

“It’s complicated.”

“Well _un_ -complicate it.  Do you love him or not.”

Len wasn’t going to be drawn into this conversation, not when he hadn’t even had this one with Jim yet.  Instead of lying he remained silent allowing her to draw her own conclusions. 

“I thought so.  But then why were you with me, why weren’t you with him?”

“I really don’t want to talk about this.”

“Well, too fucking bad!  You want to fuck around with my feelings but you don’t respect me enough to tell me the truth.” 

“Chris, we both knew this wasn’t going to be a long term thing.  It can’t continue now that we’re both on the same ship.”  Len knew that extreme conditions could magnify emotions.  It happened all the time with doctors and their patients.  At the academy they had been warned about the phenomena in combat situations as well.  “Be honest with me Chris, do you really think you love me?  Or is all this just a reaction to everything else that’s happened.  It’s normal to look for comfort where it’s familiar.  And I _do_ love you, Hon, just not the way I should.”

“Not like you love him.”  She said the words he obviously wasn’t going to.  “So, what?  I was just a way to pass time until he paid attention to you?”  She got a horrified look on her face and he immediately girded himself for what was coming next, “Were you thinking about him when you were with me?” 

The tears welled in her eyes.  She was ok with no strings, but she couldn’t stand to think about Len thinking of someone else when he was making love to her. 

“No.  Chris, no.”

She felt sadistic and picked at the sore spot just to inflict more pain, “How does that even work?  Two men?  Does it feel the same?” 

“Fuck, Christine, I am really not discussing this with you!  What happens between me and Jim is none of your business.” 

“We’re you fucking him while you were fucking me?” 

“No!  I wouldn’t do that.”

The light dawned in her eyes, “That’s why you’re here.  You want to be with him now and I’m in the way.” 

“Jesus, what the fuck is with you?  Are you makin' this shit up just to hurt me, or to hurt yourself?”  

That observation struck its mark. 

That’s exactly what she had been doing.  She was terrified of being alone.  She had lost so much and now she was going to lose Len.  She choked back a sob.  She tried really hard to hold it all in, but when he reached for her and wrapped her in his strong warm arms she completely fell apart.  She clung to him and sobbed into his chest. 

Len held her tight and rocked her as she cried.  He was reeling from the emotional fallout himself.  His head throbbed and his throat was painfully constricted, but he would take whatever she threw at him.  It was no less than he deserved because he had known better.  He’d let his dick do the thinking, that usually didn’t turn out well.  His dick had its talents, but making good decisions wasn’t one of them.  

He had tried to be as up front with Christine as he could, and he’d thought she’d had a clear understanding of the situation, but he knew from past experience that somehow clear intentions got muddied and twisted up with emotion when sex was involved.  It was never clean or easy.  That was why he didn’t do casual.  There was always fallout.  Len just hoped they could move past this and find a way to work together again.

 

oOo

Jim defiantly ignored the hypo on his desk and instead opted for finishing the engineering report on his screen.  Scotty was getting close to a solution for the communications problem and that was more important than sleep.  When he could no longer make sense of the report and the words were fuzzy around the edges he sat back and rubbed his eyes. 

He stood and picked up the hypo and rolled the cold cylinder around between his fingers before he stripped down to his boxer briefs and climbed into bed.  He tilted his head and braced himself before he depressed the plunger, already anticipating the sharp sting.  He wished that he hadn’t been such an asshole to Bones and had let him administer the sedative.  As the drug circulated through his system and he began to float, he knew that sleep would come at a cost.  No matter how he tried to prepare himself for the dreams, it was never enough.  He was sure tonight would be no different, except that Bones wouldn’t be here to wake him when they became too intense.  

 

oOo

Len knew he was a hypocrite.  He had made Jim go to sleep, but after the confrontation with Christine he couldn’t do the same.  They had talked for a while and come to an agreement of sorts on how to move forward.  But after all that, he didn’t think he would be able to sleep.  Not without a drink or a tranquilizer and he didn’t feel comfortable taking a sedative when he was the only licensed doctor onboard.  If there was an emergency he needed to be alert.  He also didn’t want to lay in his bed and allow his thoughts to run rampant.  His roommate was nice enough, but he really didn’t want to lay there and think about who _should_ be there in the next bed instead.   So he went back to medbay.   

Once he was satisfied that his standing orders were being followed he wandered around the bay observing the night staff and reviewed Pike’s latest numbers.  He made a couple of adjustments to his medications then let the night intern know he would be in his office if he was needed.

He took a couple of minutes to review the work that his staff done on the patient’s records project.  He finally felt like he was getting things organized to his liking.  For now this was his medbay, it would probably be someone else’s soon, but while he was here he would run it as he saw fit. 

But one look around the office reminded him that while he had made the medbay his, this was still Puri’s office.   From the family photos on the desk to the medical diploma on the wall, this space belonged to someone else.  If he was going to be comfortable in this space, for however long he was here, he was going to have to box up Puri’s personal effects and move them to storage so they could be returned to his loved ones. 

Len rooted around in the supply closet until he found a box he could use, emptied its contents onto the sparse shelves and returned to his office. 

He collected the holos from the desk and placed them carefully in the box.  Next was the framed diploma.  Sanjeev Puri, Weill Cornell Medical College Class of 2233.  It was very similar to the one that currently hung over his own desk in his dorm room and it reminded him that it could just as easily have been him lying in that morgue.  It would have been if he hadn’t followed Jim to the bridge. 

Len had been worried about Puri’s reaction to bringing Jim aboard, but he would much rather have had to face the consequences of his foolish decisions than to have them resolved like this.  Puri was a good man and a good doctor.  He hadn’t deserved to die.  But then, neither had any of the other souls that had lost their lives because of Nero.

Len worked methodically, moving from drawer to drawer but came to a halt when he opened the bottom desk drawer and found himself confronted with a pile of paper files.  He opened the other bottom drawer and found it full of similar folders.  Curious, he lifted out a stack of the old fashioned files.  Len scanned the numbered labels which didn’t make any sense without some type of context. 

He spread the files out on the desk top and noticed that the numbers weren’t sequential.  They appeared to have numbers ranging from 0027 to 3276.  He picked one file at random and read the number, 2653.  He opened the file.  On the left side were type written printouts of official Star Fleet documents.  The pages on the right were hand written medical notes.  Neither of which made any sense.  Starfleet had stopped using paper documentation two centuries ago and hand written medical documentation a half century earlier than that. 

He scanned the form and the date 2247 jumped out at him and he started to get a bad feeling.  He moved back to the form title, Witness Affidavit.  There was no name, the number from the file label was used in lieu of a name.  There was a short description of the witness, female, age 63, race Human, origin Terra.  The witness affidavit was a detailed transcript of her experiences on Tarsus.  Len’s hands started to shake.  He moved to the medical notes, handwritten by Lieutenant Puri, USS Aldrin.  The notes outlined the patient’s condition on recovery from the planet, initial findings, treatment and prognosis.   Puri’s notes contained details left out of the official record.  There were names and detailed medical notes.  And at the back, taped to the back file cover, under the hand written pages, there were pictures.  Len had reviewed the official record.  He had never seen these pictures.  The only way Puri could have collected all of this was to have been present.  He had been one of the first responders to the massacre on Tarsus. 

 

Len took several deep breaths and closed the file, unable to read any further.  He dropped heavily into the desk chair and set the file back on the top of the pile on the desk.

The implications were numbing. 

Somewhere on this desk could be a file containing Jim Kirk’s Tarsus testimony. 

He looked at the files fanned across the desk and the rest in the desk drawers, there were probably only a couple of hundred.  Everyone knew that there had been nearly 3500 survivors.  If Puri was one of a team of doctors that responded, the patients would have been divided between the responding starships.  The odds that Jim was recovered by the Aldrin were low.  He tried to mentally compute the rough odds, where was the damn pointy eared Vulcan when he needed a precise percentage? 

Len wracked his brain trying to remember the details of the emergency response force.  There had been a distress call from the planet and a passing freighter had relayed it to the nearest starbase.  A ship had been dispatched, the USS Olympus.  When the magnitude of the horror was realized, a call for reinforcements went out and twelve other ships had responded; six more from Earth, one from Vulcan, two from Andoria, one from Tellar Prime, and two from Betazed.  That meant that each ship must have received about three hundred survivors.  That figured to a roughly eight percent chance that Jim was one of the three hundred assigned to the Aldrin. 

But something in the way Puri had questioned him about Jim’s presence in the medbay gave Len the indistinct and uncomfortable certainty that he would find that one of these files contained all of the secrets that Jim had been hiding all these years. 

He sat staring down at the drawers’ contents in indecision. 

These files had been scrubbed from the official record for a reason.  And as much as he wanted to know what Jim was hiding from him, he wrestled with the legal implications and the ethical dilemma of violating Jim’s privacy.  He should just box them all up, and … do what with them?  He couldn’t release these to Puri’s family.  He should turn them over to Starfleet.  If he did that, they would disappear into the archives with everything else related to the Tarsus cover up.  And it had been a cover up.  Starfleet had been quick to brush it under the proverbial rug.  He had sat next to Jim through enough class discussions of the events that led to the colony wide massacre to know that there was more to the story than the official version.

Maybe he should ask Pike what to do. 

Should he tell Jim? 

If anyone found out he had these he would lose any chance of reading them.  He needed to read them.  He needed to understand.  He couldn’t help Jim if he didn’t know what he was working against.  It was his duty as Jim’s physician to have as detailed a knowledge of his medical history as possible. 

Len looked down at the drawers, his eyes picking slowly over the files.  Jim had been young, he had been tortured.  His injuries would have been extensive and his testimony extremely pertinent to the trial proceedings.  That meant his file was probably more substantial than many of the others.  His eyes landed on one file tucked into the back of the drawer.  One file that was thicker than the others.  Like that one.  He didn’t know how he knew, but he knew.  That was the one.  Len put one shaking hand to his mouth. 

He pulled the file from the drawer with numb fingers and set it unopened on the desk before him and sat staring at it.  He knew he was being stupid, but once he opened that file, everything could change.  There would be no going back.  No unseeing what he’d seen.  But unless he opened it, he would never know if it was Jim’s file.  It was a paradox Shroedinger could appreciate. 

God he needed a drink.

After staring at the file for the better part of the next hour Len finally came to a decision.  For now, he would put it back in the drawer unopened.  He couldn’t in good conscience read the file without Jim’s permission and he would have to open it to confirm it was his record before he took it to Jim, but he couldn’t do that tonight. 

So with only a couple of hours until he was expected in a Department head meeting, Len let himself out of his office.  He had locked the desk and added a biolock command.  No one other than him was going to be able to open those drawers.  To be doubly safe he locked his office with his override code.  On his way out of medical he snagged a stim to get him thorough the morning, muttering under his breath, “Medice, cura te ipsum,” and went to get ready for his meeting.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Nikki Sixx, Motley Crue, “If you don’t deal with your demons, they will deal with you, and it’s gonna hurt.”
> 
> “Medice, cura te ipsum” from Luke 4:23. Physician heal thyself.


	8. Chapter Seven

**Stardate 2258.45 (Saturday, February 14, 2258)**

 

oOo

Jim struggled against the tangled sheets twisted around his body.  The sensation of being restrained, of having his movements restricted, lending an ominous atmosphere to his dream.  Jim’s heart pounded in his chest, his hair was damp with perspiration and his gasping for breath finally woke him.  He threw off the coverings, but it took effort to haul himself out of bed.  He went into the bathroom and ran some water in the sink, bent over the basin, dipped his hands in and splashed the cool water on his face, then he braced himself against the counter and let his head hang and let the water drip from his nose and chin. 

The dream was just a confusing, unsettling mixture of impressions he couldn’t really remember.  The harder he tried, the more elusive it became.  He always felt groggy and heavy after waking from a sedated sleep, it was never refreshing.  He headed to the replicator for coffee, not usually his routine, more Bones’ thing, but on a day like this, he was going to need it.

His thoughts drifted as he sipped his coffee, his mind replaying the physical feel of Bones’ large, warm hand at his throat.   

Len headed to the replicator for his morning cup of coffee.  On a day like this, he was going to need it, but caffeine alone wouldn’t do it.   He administered the stimulant and took a moment to breathe as the jolt to his system made his extremities tingle.  He felt the spike in his heart rate and felt energized as he hopped into the sonics.  He knew he would experience the inevitable crash, but he would deal with that later, right now, he just needed to get through this meeting. 

He put on a fresh uniform and read over the Department report he’d prepared, but he kept hearing Christine’s voice in his head, _“Do you love him or not?”_  

He hadn’t had a drink, but he felt emotionally hung over, sluggish and dull after the confrontations with Jim and Christine, finding the Tarsus files and his sleepless night.  Stims would only help temporarily. 

The thought of the files in his desk haunted him.  He wasn’t looking forward to seeing Jim. 

 

oOo

Their first department briefing was being held in the conference room.  Jim looked around the large table, Spock was sitting to his left, McCoy to Spock’s left, then Scotty, Uhura, Sulu and Chekov, followed by the heads of Astrophysics, Botany, Geology, Hydrology and the Quartermaster.

Some essential decisions had already been made by the Captain and First Officer to allow for emergency operations, now it was time to hash out the details for the remainder of the voyage back to Earth.  With the primary mission complete and no additional orders from Starfleet, Jim and Spock under Captain Pike’s direction, had decided to implement a training regimen for the cadets aboard.  They were essentially using these two weeks as an unplanned Academy field trip for training in their individual classifications as well as learning to work under unusual and less than optimal conditions.  Jim knew they needed to keep the crew busy, it made the time pass faster.

As a result of the low power situation, lighting had been reduced ship wide and kept at 50% in most spaces, medical was the exception.  Which was a good thing Len thought sourly since they were dealing with all sorts of injures due to the low lighting.  They had seen contusions, sprains, even a broken ankle when one unsuspecting cadet missed a rung on one of the Jeffries tube ladders.

The temperature had also been reduced.  They were using the minimum of power to keep the ship at a livable temperature.  It was tolerable, but the ship was a little chilly.  People were left finding ways to keep warm. 

Species that required a warmer climate were being housed on one deck and they had to keep the spaces where the Vulcans were housed at a higher temperature.  Len glanced at Spock, senior officer housing was on Deck Five.  The temperature had been reduced on that deck and the doctor knew he would be uncomfortable, but he would accept it stoically.  Len couldn’t help but worry about what affect that might have on his overall health.  Blankets were scarce and some people are wearing extra layers of clothing. 

Jim seemed to have the same thought, “Spock, the temperature in your quarters must be uncomfortably low for you.  You should consider moving down with the other Vulcans.”

“I appreciate your concern, Captain, but I find my room adequate.”

Jim put one and one together and suddenly came up with two.  Of course his quarters were adequate, he had a hot communications officer keeping him warm at night.  Jim glanced at Uhura who was intently studying the wall behind his right shoulder.  Uh huh.

“Well, I appreciate your sacrifice, Spock,” Jim couldn’t help himself.  As an afterthought he added, “What about Ambassador Sarek?”

“My father has chosen to join the other members of the High Council.  They find comfort in proximity and it allows us to expend less energy heating multiple spaces.”

Jim called on Scott next to discuss the power reserves and the damage sustained when the warp core had been ejected.

Len had tuned out the Engineering report as much as was possible, the less he knew about the ship’s major structural issues the better.  All he needed to know was that the ship was in capable hands and he knew Jim wouldn’t settle for anything less.  While Scotty droned on, Len was distracted by the thought of the file in his desk.  He didn’t know what to do with the knowledge that a file existed, let alone what it might contain.  He was startled from his thoughts by Jim.

“Are we boring you, Doctor?”

“Huh?  No, of course not, just not much I can do to cure an ailing ship.  My input would be irrelevant.”

“Your input is never irrelevant, Doctor.”  This from Spock who was watching him a little too closely.  He made a conscious effort to pay attention after that.  He knew he looked like shit and that the stims made him jittery.  If he didn’t watch it, Jim or the damn Vulcan might figure it out.  He knew he was going to have to make time to sleep at some point.

Bones looked rough.  Jim couldn’t help glancing at him at what he hoped were sufficiently inconspicuous intervals, but he was concerned.  His eyes were bloodshot and, if Jim didn’t know better, he would have thought he’d been drinking, but Bones never drank on duty and he hadn’t been off duty since the Enterprise had left port.  That, and Enterprise was a dry ship.

The Quartermaster’s report followed Engineering and directly impacted Len’s department so he was able to ignore Jim for the most part. 

The Enterprise crew had been scrambled for service with no notice.  Most of the temporary cadet crew had been summoned from their dorms to the conference center for Kirk’s disciplinary hearing, they hadn’t known they wouldn’t be returning.  They’d came with only the clothes on their backs.  That meant that no one had access to needed prescription medications, healthcare or hygiene products. 

While the quartermaster would deal with housing, clothing, bedding, towels and basic hygiene products such as soap, shampoo and toothpaste, the medical department was left to handle any healthcare or medical related items.  On top of prescription medications, sleep aids and antidepressants they were also starting to receive requests for items like birth control, condoms and lube.  It was human nature after all, to seek solace in the company of others.  There were shortages of all items. 

Len was afraid that the Enterprise was going to be like one of those city wide blackout statistics of the early 21st century, there would be a population explosion in nine months without some kind of precautions.  Unfortunately, the old tried and true methods were unavailable and medical intervention might end up being necessary.  Jim had promised it was only supposed to be two weeks, but Len was pretty sure that that would prove just too long for some.

The medical report was next.

Len had had a difficult time treating Jim’s injuries because the medication alternatives that should have been requisitioned for his specific allergies weren’t.  Len explained the medication requisitioning process, “That task would have fallen to Dr. Puri who, as CMO, would have reviewed assigned personnel files for any drug requirements or allergies and submitted the necessary requisitions prior to the maiden voyage and the arrival of the full complement of crew.  Dr. Puri never got that chance.  So, now I’m left trying to ration limited supplies based on priority of need and to find alternate methods of treatment.”

After outlining the severe shortages in supplies and medications, Len tried to offer suggestions to mitigate the potential disastrous outcome.

“We’re going to have to be judicious in prescribing any kind of medication.  In some cases, I’m afraid we’re going to have to go back to old-fashioned and less effective homeopathic methods.  We have a crew that’s dealing with post-traumatic stress and I don’t have the amount of anti-depressants we’ll need to meet the demand.  We have no counselor on board, and, hell, I don’t even know if we have enough resources to replicate warm milk or chamomile tea.  We need to find ways to provide some kind of support and comfort for our people until we can get them what they need on Earth.

“We should start thinking about setting up some group therapy counseling sessions and maybe encouraging physical outlets like yoga, running or weight training.  We need to see what resources we have available on the ship because the crew need to find a way to decompress and recreation is essential in a closed artificial environment like this, especially as cut off as we’re all feeling at this point.”

That allowed Spock to segue into what he knew would be an unwelcome topic.

“Captain, I have received several crew requests with which I am uncertain how to proceed.  Apparently today is a historically recognized day of Terran celebration.” 

Len was beginning to bristle at the impropriety of what surely was coming. 

“It is Valentine’s Day and I have been approached about allowing a gathering for interested beings.”  The Vulcan took in the Doctor’s stormy countenance.  “It would necessarily be situated away from frequently traversed areas of the ship.”

“How would our Vulcans guest react?” Jim asked.

“They are preoccupied with their own concerns, this day has no meaning among our people.  Yet, they would recognize the importance of keeping your traditions.  We are attempting to retain our culture, they would wish you to do the same.”

Len couldn’t remain silent, “Are you out of your mind, Spock?  Jim, you can’t actually be considering this can you?  These people are grieving, you can’t throw a party.”

Jim looked at him, “You just said the crew need to find ways to decompress, and I don’t need your permission, Doctor,” Jim tried to soothe the sting of his words, “but I will take your opinion into consideration.”

“This crew is grieving.  A lot of these people just lost friends and loved ones.  You can’t ignore their grief.”

Spock answered him instead, “The gathering will be held in a remote recreation area.  We would allow anyone who wished to attend to do so and recognize that many will prefer to keep busy and work.”

“I’m inclined to grant the request,” Jim glanced around the table.  Bones looked ready to argue the point further, but he directed his next comment to the entire room, “Sometimes when you’ve lost everything, you need to remember you’re still alive and that life is still worth living.  Think of this as more of an affirmation than a celebration.”  He looked back to Spock, “I’ll allow it.”

Spock had been observing the dynamic between the Captain and the CMO.  There was something more here beneath the surface that he didn’t understand.  The Captain’s quiet words seemed to have had an effect on the doctor, effectively silencing McCoy’s dissent.  That diverged from Spock’s previous experience with the doctor who rarely refrained from expressing his every opinion.  He could tell by McCoy’s expression that his opinion hadn’t changed, but he remained silent.

As the meeting was dismissed Doctor McCoy lingered.  Once the room had emptied to just Spock, the Captain and the Doctor, McCoy approached.

“Captain, a word please?”  If they were determined to go through with this, Len felt it necessary to impress on Jim and the damn Hobgoblin that the Captain making the announcement could come across as an order.  

When he had Jim’s attention he continued, “The crew is grieving,” he looked at Jim significantly.  “They don’t want to disappoint you.  We don’t want them to attend something painful out of a sense of duty.” 

Jim was horrified, “I would never make it an order.  But I understand their need to find something to take some kind of,” he searched for the right word to make Bones understand, “I don’t know, _pleasure_ in.”  He huffed in frustration and lowered his voice aware that Spock’s hearing was acute.  “It’s important to remember you’re still alive, that you weren’t the one that died.”  Jim looked at Bones hoping he would understand.

Len’s expression softened and he too kept his voice low.  He hadn’t planned on having a conversation like this around the Vulcan, but he wasn’t going to miss a rare opportunity to offer Jim his support and comfort, “You know what you’re feeling is survivor’s guilt, right?  It’s completely normal, and I would expect that what’s happened would bring those old feelings to the surface again.”  Jim didn’t meet his eyes, his jaw was clenched so tight he could see the muscles tic. 

“I know that you understand the situation better than I do.  They’ll be looking to you as an example and I just want to make sure we’re giving them the best tools we have at hand to deal with their loss.”

Jim’s voice was barely above a whisper, “I shouldn’t be anyone’s example on how to deal with survivor’s guilt Bones.”  He looked up and Len saw the glittering of unshed tears starting to form, “You know that.” 

“I do, but Jim, you’re probably the most qualified person on this ship.”  He reached out and squeezed his bicep and gave him a little shake, “And you’re not alone this time.” 

Jim took a deep breath and nodded at Len’s encouragement.

Spock waited patiently until they joined him at the door and it was decided that, in the interest of diplomacy, the announcement wouldn’t come from the Captain. 

Instead the announcement was made by Lieutenant Uhura and included along with other ship’s business.  The holiday itself was not mentioned.

As a further concession, Jim agreed to offer an alternate remembrance ceremony earlier in the day where he would say a few words and encourage others to share their thoughts. 

Len thought that if Jim was helping others he might just end up helping himself as well.  Sure Len could speak to loss, but not on the level that Jim could.  He would be able to relate.  But he couldn’t lose sight of the fact that Jim had suffered additional loss as well.  That coupled with the already considerable losses he suffered on Tarsus could become disabling if Jim let them.  Jim had a habit of bottling up his emotions and letting them fester.  He knew he needed to be proactive with Jim if he was going to come out of this with his psyche intact.   Again his thoughts went to the file in his desk.  It would be so much easier if he actually knew what Jim had experienced, what he was working against. 

 

oOo

After the department meeting Spock had scheduled an inspection of the food service areas with the Doctor.  Len had invited the Captain along hoping it would help alleviate Jim’s food anxieties if he was involved in the meeting with the Mess Manager.

Spock took the lead with Jim and Len following as the manager led them through the kitchens.  They had already done a basic analysis of the crew’s nutritional needs and resources available and devised a plan to deal with the replicator shortages. 

The ship had been stocked with enough resources to replicate meals for a reduced crew for at least a week.  So, while the shortages weren’t dire, pre-planning was required to stretch them for the number of people on board.  Thankfully Starfleet fed its people well and the amount of food supplied had been more than adequate for the crew that would have taken the ship out on a short trip for engine and systems testing, but they would have to plan wisely to stretch those same supplies for a two week voyage with so many people aboard.  Meal options had been scaled back to the minimum and Doctor McCoy had reviewed and approved the menu.

While Spock reviewed the list of perishable items aboard, the head cook handed Jim a cranberry oatmeal bar.  They had been experimenting with recipe substitutions, going for healthier and more nutritional yet appealing offerings, and he was proud to show off his latest success to the ship’s Captain.  After he turned away Jim returned the bar to the counter unobtrusively.  Len picked it back up and handed it to him again indicating that he should eat it.  Jim just stared at it.  Len sighed and took it out of Jim’s hand, broke it in half and returned the smaller portion to him.  He knew it was the right move when Jim smiled at him gratefully.   It wasn’t enough for him, but it was better than nothing, which is what Jim would choose if given a choice.  Len was going to have to keep an eye on him.

 

Jim ran an egalitarian ship, at least for this mission.  He hadn’t given rank any privilege.  He figured that none of them had expected this mission and, since they had all shared equally in the tragedy, they would divide the resources equally.  He had closed the officer’s mess to consolidate resources and had restricted personal replicator use to the mess hall.  He had issued each crew member and guest a limited number of replicator credits to use as they chose within the restricted menu and all meals were served in the mess.  Room replicators were authorization code restricted and only those with special dietary needs were granted access.  This centralized control enabled conservation of precious resources. 

Coffee was one small luxury that Jim had made sure was available to all.  The compromise was that crew were limited to two cups a day.  Far short of McCoy’s usual intake, but the Doctor had to admit that less caffeine was healthier.

 

oOo

Once Len was satisfied that his nutrition directives were being followed, he and Jim left Spock to finish the inspection.  Their route took them past the ad hoc memorial that had now spread along the corridor in both directions, Len looked at Jim out of the corner of his eye as they passed.

Someone had written Marlena’s name in under the Hood since the last time Jim had seen it and his step faltered. 

“I’m sorry, Jim.”

Jim tried to brush Bones’ comment aside, still trying to delay the inevitable.  He would deal with it when he had a casualty list.  “Yeah,” he kept walking.  It was the only way he could compartmentalize the guilt for now and he sure as hell didn’t want to talk to Bones about it.  Things with Marlena hadn’t ended well and Jim wasn’t sure how much he could explain, or share with Bones, without admitting it hadn’t worked because of him, because Jim couldn’t get past his feelings for his best friend.

How did he really feel about Marlena?  He felt guilty.  Guilty that he was happy it was her name on the wall and not Bones’.  Bones was safe and he would never be sorry for that. 

Len puzzled over Jim’s response, but he didn’t push him.  There would be plenty of time for him to come to terms with the reality of Marlena’s loss.  All he could do was be here for him.  And he would be.  He didn’t want to be anywhere else.

 

oOo

Len thought about Jim and Marlena while he made his morning rounds.  The last thing he’d known, Jim had been monogamous, he’d had the proof, and he wasn’t sure how Jim was going to handle her death.  Jim had lost a lot of people in his life, some had left and some had died, but Jim’s chosen method of coping had always been denial and an unhealthy mix of reckless behaviors, from drinking and fucking to fighting.  It was like he needed to feel pain, like he sought punishment for his own perceived failures.  Len had tried over the years to guide him into healthier forms of self-expression, but coming from a man who had his own issues with unhealthy behaviors, he wasn’t sure how much the advice had helped.

Len found himself at Pike’s bedside and turned his attention to the Captain who had been giving his staff a hard time.  Len understood that being confined to a bed was trying, but he couldn’t let the man intimidate his nurses.  And it was impressive how intimidating Pike could be even lying flat on his back.  Luckily, he now had someone on Gamma who wouldn’t put up with Pike’s shit.  That hadn’t been the intention, but it was working out well.

He had granted Christine’s request to be assigned to the Gamma shift.  That way they would only be interacting a few minutes a day during shift pass down.  When he met with her that morning to take the pass down from Gamma, he was glad to see that she was making an effort to maintain a professional demeanor around him and he gratefully returned the gesture.  She was one damn fine nurse and she deserved to be treated as such.

The illusion that no one would notice was dashed as Pike piped up first thing while Len was looking over his latest vitals.

“So, what did you do to break Chapel?”

He gave Pike a side eye look, but refused to play.  “I know you’re bored Captain, but my social life is not open to discussion.”

“Really?  It’s the most interesting thing in this God forsaken bay.  You don’t want me meddling, then why don’t you release me to quarters?”

“As much as I’d like to get the pain of you out of my ass, that ain’t gonna happen.”

“Is that the way you speak to your commanding officer?”

Len looked around feigning surprise, “What?  Did Jim come in and I missed him?”

Pike harrumphed, “Like you’d miss him entering a room.  It’s like you two have some damn type of radar.”

“And don’t you forget it,” Len muttered while he made a few notes in his PADD then looked up.   “And while you’re at it, could you stop making inappropriate comments regarding me and Jim around my staff?  You’ve done enough damage.”

Pike looked contrite and Len rushed on, “Not that it was your fault.  I realize that.”  He sighed, “No real harm done, just…,” he shook his head in resignation, “just maybe moved things along a little sooner than I’d expected.”

“Chapel?”

“Yeah, Chapel.”

Pike nodded in understanding.  “It’s never easy when someone’s self-esteem is involved.”

“Yeah, I think her feelings got stepped on more by my not being honest with her than the fact that the relationship needed to end.”  He narrowed his eyes at Pike, “But that really isn’t any concern of yours.”

“It is if it affects my crew.”

“Not your crew, Jim’s.”

“Ouch.  Anyone ever tell you your bedside manner sucks, McCoy.”

He tucked the stylus back into his pocket.  “All the time, Captain,” he threw over his shoulder as he walked away.

 

oOo

After rounds, Len scrolled through the messages in his inbox.  He had come into his office and sat down at the desk intending to update patient files and sign off on the daily personnel report, but he found himself distracted and unable to settle into his work.  The glowing biolock on the desk drawer taunted him.  So, looking for some mindless work, he decided to wade through the notifications in his inbox.  As he scrolled, the terminal pinged receipt of a new message.  It jumped to the top of his queue and the title caught his eye.  It was from the Quartermaster and said ‘Housing Reassignment’.  

Curious, he opened the message to find that he was being moved to the CMO’s quarters.  Ambassador Sarek had been using Puri’s room, but Len knew from the Department meeting that Sarek had chosen to move closer to the other members of the Vulcan High Council.  Len hadn’t realized that would mean he would find himself with a private room.  Not that Lieutenant Carson wasn’t nice enough, but at his age, he valued his privacy. 

So, after his scheduled appointments, Len found himself standing in his new quarters.  The first thing he did, even before looking around was to cross the room and opaque the viewing port.  The last damn thing he needed to be reminded of was the fact that he was speeding, or limping, through the black in a damaged tin can.  If he stayed away from the bridge and the view ports, he could almost trick himself into thinking he was planet side.  Almost.  You could never really get away from the hum of the engines or the smell of recycled air, but most times he could put it out of mind.  If he had to psych himself up just to get out of the turbolift on the bridge, well Jim didn’t know about that. 

He looked around.  It wasn’t as big as Jim’s quarters, but twice as big as the one he’d been sharing.  It hadn’t taken him long to gather his things from his old room, he only had a couple of changes of clothes and some basic toiletries.  He moved to the sleeping area which was separated from the living area by a privacy wall and put his clothes into the dresser and the rest of his things into the attached bathroom. 

He returned the bedroom and stood staring at the bed.  It was big.  Almost as big as the one he had shared with Jim a couple of nights ago.  He sat down to test its comfort and fell back with a groan.  Apparently Puri enjoyed the luxury of a good mattress.  Len shut his eyes, only intending to rest for a few minutes before returning to work, but the long hours and waning stims conspired against him and he dropped quickly into a heavy sleep.

Len didn’t wake until he heard the ship wide announcement regarding the remembrance ceremony that would soon be convening on the observation deck.  One of his least favorite places on the ship.  He rolled out of bed with another long groan knowing that his presence would be expected.

oOo

As a compromise for the gathering that was planned that night, Jim had organized an informal remembrance ceremony where he said a few words and allowed others share their memories and take comfort in the communal sharing of grief.

Len hung around the back of the room, well away from the ceiling to floor viewing windows and listened to the solemn words and quiet stories.  Chapel was there, talking about her roommate, Carol Marcus, who had been assigned to the Mayflower.  He knew she was having a hard time with the uncertainty of their situation.  Being out of touch, not having news, many of these people were living on the edge of despair and hope.  They were clinging to hope despite the rational knowledge that the crews of the other starships at Vulcan were most likely dead.  Len shifted uncomfortably as he watched Jim work his way around the room offering his condolences and support.  Always giving, but refusing to take.  They needed to restore communications soon, these people needed closure.  It was the only way they were going to be able to process their grief and move forward.

 

oOo

Jim was not unaware of the significance of the day.  Just because he hadn’t given anyone a Valentine since Debbie Tarnowski in 5th grade, didn’t mean he didn’t know what today meant.  At least to the Terrans aboard.  He, himself, had made it a personal rule to spend every February 14th stag.  The day was just too complicated.  It was a romantic holiday wrapped in expectation and that was something Jim could do without, yet here he was heading to a Valentine’s Day “not-party.”

He wasn’t sure he wanted to attend the “not-party,” but as Captain it was his duty to give his blessing to the event. 

The gathering was being held in one of the rec rooms, far removed from the guest quarters and crew housing.  The lighting situation on the ship already leant it an unintentionally romantic atmosphere, but someone had added small lanterns on the tables to create a more intimate mood.  There were no resources for decorations but resourceful crew members had brought their own. 

Jim approached the refreshment table which held a lonely bowl of punch and a sparse selection of desert items.  Obviously individuals had pooled their replicator credits and brought what they could.  He fingered the red table runner.  The material felt like uniform material and was imprinted with small deltas – engineering. 

Scotty popped up at his elbow looking guilty.  “Aye, well there were damaged uniforms.  But don’t worry, Captain, they’ll be recycled after the party.”

Jim nodded, amused by his chief engineer’s enthusiasm.  He had a feeling he and the Scot were going to get along just fine. 

He looked around the room at the couples and small groups gathered in intimate conversation and couldn’t help thinking that this was probably a big mistake.  Not the gathering, but his being there.  He knew it was hard for the crew to act normally when the Captain was around, so he didn’t plan on staying long. 

 

Len turned the last corner to Recreation from where the turbolift had deposited him on Deck Eight and came face to face with Christine.  He’d only come down out of curiosity to see how the party was going, but she didn’t look pleased to see him.  Len didn’t want things to be awkward between them, so he thought maybe it would be better if he just left.

“I’ll, uh, I’ll just,” he indicated heading back down the corridor the way he’d come. 

“Why?” she snapped.  “Aren’t we friends now?  Or was that just lip service?”

Len sighed and slid his hands into his pockets and examined his boots before shaking his head and raising his eyes to meet hers.  “I know it’s what people usually say when they break up and they don’t know what else to say, but I _meant_ it Chris.  I would sorely miss your friendship.” 

She looked at him for several moments before she sighed, “Me, too.”

“But I’ll understand if you don’t want me around right now.” 

She shook her head in resignation, “I’m going to have to see you every day, guess I better get used to it, so don’t leave on my account.”

“Friends?”  Len asked and opened his arms to her in invitation.

“Friends,” she said as she stepped into his arms and he wrapped her in a warm hug.  “Against my better judgement,” she huffed against his chest.

“Yeah, well your judgement has always been flawed.”

“Don’t I know it,” she said as he released her from the hug but kept one arm around her waist as he ushered her into the rec room.

Len wished it had been half this easy with Jim to return to friendship, but that was the catch, they were never just friends, even when they were.

Before he released her, Len had one more thing to say.  He turned to her, “Listen. Chris.  I’m sorry about Carol.  And I just wanted you to know that no matter what happens, I’m here for you.  You aren’t alone.”

“Thank you, Len.”  Chris leaned up and placed a gentle kiss on his lips. 

He sighed again and brushed her hair back behind her ear, “You take care, hon.”

“You, too, McCoy.”

Len watched her walk away before he turned and scanned the room.

 

Jim downed the last of his drink.  He’d been chatting with crew members, silently quizzing himself on their names, ranks and designations, to keep his mind occupied.  Marlena was a brief passing thought before his thoughts had turned to Bones.  Part of Jim had wanted to see Bones tonight.  If things had gone differently – if he hadn’t fucked everything up – they might have spent this night together.

He was surprised when the Doctor come through the door with his arm around his nurse.  _What the hell were they thinking?_

It was like the diplomatic dinner all over again. 

Jim watched as Christine kissed Bones.  He’d thought things between the couple had cooled, but he must have been mistaken.

He knew from the duty roster that they were now working opposite shifts and, under the circumstances, Jim decided he wouldn’t interfere, but he sure as hell didn’t need to stand here and watch it.  Instead, he said his goodbyes and left to head back to his quarters.

 

Len looked around.  The space was dimly lit and there was low music playing.  The mood was not exactly somber, but it was a little more serious than you would expect on Valentine’s Day.  People were mingling and talking and, occasionally around the room, quiet self-conscious laughter was quickly stifled. 

It would take time, but maybe Jim had been right.  Maybe the crew needed a chance to forget for a few minutes and just be happy, if not happy, then at least thankful they were still alive.  Len had been wrong, he was willing to admit.  He owed Jim an apology, but when he looked around he realized the Captain had left.

Len hurried into the corridor hoping to catch him, but Jim was already turning the corner towards the turbolift.

“Jim, wait up,” he called. 

Jim thought about pretending he hadn’t heard Bones, but changed his mind and stopped before he got to the lift and waited until he got closer.  “I thought you said there wouldn’t be any public displays, Doctor.  You know that’s against regulations, you should show a little more discretion.”

Len’s hackles were instantly up, his apology forgotten.  “Christine lost a close friend and she’s been havin’ a hard time, I was just tryin’ to comfort her.  The fuckin’ regs don’t count right now, not when I’ve got staff that are just as traumatized as my patients.  We’re all just tryin’ to get through this.  Hell, you’ve got a whole fuckin’ ship that should be in counseling, it would serve you well to keep that in mind.”  He looked at the hard defiant look in Jim’s eyes, “Or am I just bein' held to a higher standard 'cause you’re personally offended?”

“ _You’re_ going to throw the fraternization regs in _my_ face?  Then I sure as hell shouldn’t be here.”  Jim stabbed at the door controls for the turbolift.  When they opened he stepped in, but Len stuck one hand into the sensor beam to keep it from closing.

“She ain’t the problem here, Jim.  You’re the problem,” he raised his voice to override Jim’s protest, “ _We’re_ the problem.  So don’t go blamin’ her for the fact that we’re fucked up.”  He softened his tone, “We got enough problems even without Christine,” and he left it at that.  He released the door and watched it close.

Len knew he shouldn’t have said it, but where the fuck did Jim get off?  Maybe he should have told Jim that he’d broken up with Christine, but, fuck him.  He was turning a blind eye to frat reg infractions all over the ship, from his First Officer on down, but he’s going to call _him_ on it?  Jim didn’t want him, he’d made that perfectly clear, but he also didn’t want to see him with anyone else.  Well, fuck him.  

If that was the way he wanted it, then maybe Len would do well to remember his place on this ship, Jim was his captain.  Christine was his nurse, Jim was his captain.  Simple as that.

Len needed a distraction, so he returned to the rec room and helped himself to a glass of punch then settled at a secluded table at the back of the room.  He could have used a real drink, but the watered down fruit punch would have to suffice.   As he looked around he couldn’t help but take stock of his situation.

It was Valentine’s Day and he was alone, again. 

Jim usually made a point of going stag on Valentine’s, so the last couple of years they’d fallen into the habit of sharing the day.  Of course, now things were different.  Last year they’d gotten drunk, staggered back to their dorm and fallen into their separate bunks.  Jim had spent the night making highly inappropriate suggestions and they’d laughed, a lot.  Funny how much difference a year could make.  So much had happened, so much had changed, but here he was, alone again.  More alone than he’d been in a long time.  Now he didn’t even have his best friend to share his loneliness.  Maybe just too much had passed between them for them to be able to go back to what they’d had before.  Maybe they’d missed whatever chance they might’ve had. 

Len wished, not for the first time, that he knew what had caused Jim to walk away, to get up from their bed and walk out.

There was a file sitting in his desk that could hold the answer to all of his questions. 

 

Scotty had been watching the doctor for the better part of the night, trying to figure out what made the man tick.  He always presented a scowling, cranky persona, but the Engineer figured that was just a defense mechanism.  He was protecting himself.  But from what, or who, was the question and he thought he might have figured out the answer. 

He had watched the captain watching the doctor and his pretty nurse before he’d made his hasty retreat.  He’d seen the doctor go after him only to return minutes later looking like a thunder cloud.  Now the man was holed up in a back corner looking like he’d lost his best friend. 

Scotty wandered over and settled into the chair opposite and offered his flask.  When the doctor didn’t protest Scotty tipped a generous portion into his empty glass then saluted with the flask, “Drink up!”

Len took a tentative sip and nearly choked as the homemade moonshine burned its way down his windpipe.  He gasped out, “The hell?”

Scotty took a nip and smiled serenely, “You get used to it.”

“What is that, seriously, paint stripper?” He rasped out.

Scotty chuckled, “Och, just a little something I brought from home.”

Len blew out a breath trying to find his equilibrium.  Once he could breathe again he took smaller sips until he got accustomed to the burn.  His tolerance was lower than usual and he could feel a sense of well-being suffuse him, untying the knots that his feelings for Jim always tied him in.  He looked at the Engineer in genuine appreciation.  “Thank you for sharing, Mr. Scott.  I really needed this.”

“It’s Scotty, and aye, I could see you needed a tipple.”  Scotty stood to take his leave, “Just remember, laddy, as my dear departed seanmhair used to say, ‘Whit’s fur ye’ll no go by ye!’”

Len was left looking down into his glass wondering just how potent the homemade liquor was, because he hadn’t understood one word of what Scotty had just said. 

 

When the lift doors shut on Bones, Jim just stood there, the lift not moving, waiting for his command.  He almost told the computer to open the doors again so they could have his out, but he didn’t know what exactly they were having out.  Bones was pissed, that was obvious, pissed at Jim for calling him on the PDA with Chapel, but as Captain, that was his job.  He knew his crew was emotionally compromised and he’d been lenient.  He’d let the thing with Spock and Uhura slide because they weren’t making inappropriate gestures in public.  Maybe he _was_ treating Bones differently, but it was different with Bones.

“Computer, Deck Five,” he said tiredly. 

He was going to have to find a way to keep his personal feelings out of his command.  He was going to have to treat Bones like any other crew member, even if he wasn’t.

It was getting late and he had an early shift in the morning, so he turned in.  He would have welcomed a sedative tonight, because any sleep would have been better than laying there thinking about how he’d fucked up the one relationship that really mattered in his life and wondering if there was anything he could do to salvage it. 

oOo

**Stardate 2258.46, February 15, 2258**

The next day Len was hunched over his breakfast and his second cup of coffee still trying to clear the cobwebs from the night before.  He’d managed to get some sleep, but it was nowhere near what he needed to erase the deficit he’d accumulated.  The stims had only made the whole situation worse. 

“What’s up, Doc?”

Len looked up as Sulu slid into the spot across from him, “Yeah, that never gets old.”  He took a sip of his coffee and looked the helmsman over.  He obviously had something on his mind.  “What can I do for you?”

“How do you know I want something?”

Len scowled, “Well, I’m pretty sure you aren’t here for the sparkling conversation.”

Sulu snorted at that, “No offense intended, man, but no.  I’m not here for that.”

“Didn’t think so.  So, what can I do for you?”  One of the hazards of his job was that crewmembers regularly approached him outside of medical with all manner of personal requests, things he should make them schedule an appointment for, but he figured he was just happy that they managed to get up the nerve to discuss things with him at all.  He knew he wasn’t the most approachable person and if he shut down any avenue of communication he could lose valuable interaction with the crew.  They might never make an appointment and he’d rather have a few minutes talking in a hallway than miss someone who really needed his help.  The CMO was never off duty.

“Well, see there’s this crew member that I would really like to get to know a little better, you know, but we, uh, we didn’t leave Earth prepared, if you know what I mean.” 

Len looked him over while he parsed his words and hesitant demeanor, “Man or woman.”

“What?”

Len popped a slice of bacon into his mouth.  “Makes a difference in my answer.”

Sulu looked uncomfortable, “Man.”

Len cocked one eyebrow in thought, “Uh huh.  So, what’s the problem?”

“Well, he, he’s young, and maybe he hasn’t done… God, this is awkward.”

Len suddenly understood the looks and quiet talking between the two helmsmen the night before.  “Lieutenant, are you telling me you wish to have sexual relations with that child?”

“He’s not a child!” Sulu looked offended, “He’s seventeen, he just hasn’t-“

Len cut him off, “I really don’t need to know the details.  Or want to.”  Why did everyone insist on telling him things he really had no need to know?  The information that he was required by code to keep confidential would make an Orion blush, but it was the nature of his job. 

Chekov was seventeen, but he looked like he was twelve.  The kid was cute, but Sulu had to have at least five years on him.  It all made Len feel very old.

Sulu didn’t strike him as being the kind to beat around the bush.  “Everyone has sex, Lieutenant.  Let’s hurry this along before my food gets cold.  Time to man up and just ask for what you need.”  Len cringed internally at that double edged advice. 

“Fine, Doc, can I get some condoms and lube?”

“See, was that so hard?”  As Sulu started to shake his head in relief, Len cut him off, “No.”  Sulu’s eyes widened in surprise, but before he could complain, Len continued, “Supplies are limited and will have to go to prevent conception, not disease.  Disease we can fix later.  Babies, not so easily.  And I doubt the two of you will manage to conceive.  Although, there was that on case on Omicron Ceti IV….,” he was rambling, but the look of horror on Sulu’s face was priceless.  Sometimes it was fun to be a doctor.  He had horrible anecdotes for almost any situation.  He preferred to think of them as teaching moments.  “But that was the result of the plant spores.  Nature has ingenious ways of ensuring procreation for the population’s survival.”

“So, that’s a no on the condoms?  What about the lube.”

“Nope.”  Len looked down at his plate and selected another greasy piece of bacon, “But I’m sure two very intelligent, creative Starfleet officers could think of some kind of substitute.  Look around, there are plenty of options.  Just remember, if it’s safe for you to eat, it’s safe for sex.”  He popped the bacon into his mouth. 

“Great.  Thanks, Doc,” Sulu looked a little perplexed, but Len could see the wheels spinning as he left the table.

Len wiped his greasy fingers on his napkin, he was sure they would figure something out.  Sometimes that was part of the fun.  That thought brought up some interesting memories and Len shifted to relieve the pressure of his half-hard cock pressing uncomfortably against his zipper. 

A tray slammed down onto the table at Sulu’s abandoned spot. 

“Hey, Bones.”

Len looked up into Jim’s impossibly blue eyes.  “Hey, Jim,” he sighed.  Did the damn kid have some kind of radar that zeroed in on him at the most inconvenient moments?  Now he was stuck here until the situation resolved itself. 

“Am I interrupting something?” Jim looked around at the empty seats surrounding the doctor. 

“No, I was just thinking about something Sulu said.”

Jim sat down and picked up his egg sandwich, “Care to share?”

“Can’t.”

Jim looked at him curiously, but didn’t push the issue.  He did know where the boundaries were supposed to be, he just usually didn’t usually respect them.  Looked like it was Len’s lucky day. 

Len gathered his things and stood, “Gotta get back to work.  Have a nice day, Captain.” 

Jim looked like he wanted to say something, but he remained silent.

 

oOo

It had been three days since Pike’s surgery to repair the damage done to his spine by the Centaurian slug.  The surgical site had healed nicely and Len was encouraged by the neurological testing results that had just come back.  It showed that the nerves were starting to repair themselves and in time Pike could regain most of the sensation and mobility in his legs. 

“Ok, Captain, I think it’s time we got you sitting up and started working the muscles in your legs.”

“About damn time.  I’m sick and tired of staring at this damn ceiling.”

Len raised Pike’s bed to a comfortable sitting position and Nurse Rodriguez readied him for some very basic physical therapy.  He watched silently until she left and it was just him and the Doctor. 

The nurses had been moving his legs to keep his muscles and joints from stiffening up, but today Len wanted Chris to provide resistance to the motions.  It wasn’t long before he was out of breath, sweating heavily and sore.  “I know this is hard, Chris, but it’s going to be worth it.  You have to keep your goal in sight”.

“My goal,” he said breathlessly as he pushed against McCoy’s sturdy shoulder with his right foot, “is to get out of this bed and kick Kirk’s ass and, if I’m not mistaken, I also owe you a dressing down for bringing him on board.”

“Lord, I was hoping you had forgotten that.”  Len eased Pike’s right leg back down to the mattress and raised his left and braced his foot against his shoulder.  As Pike pushed, Len leaned in gently providing more resistance and allowing him to stretch his hamstring.

“Not forgotten,” he panted, “just postponed.”

It was a painful exercise and Pike tired quickly.  After twenty minutes of intensive massage and resistance work, Len took pity on him.  “Ok, Chris, rest.  You’ve earned it.”

Chris looked at him gratefully.  It felt good to move again, but he was shocked at how difficult even the simplest movements were, even when supported by the Doctor. 

“I’ll have Rodriguez help you get cleaned up.”   

“In a minute, first I want your honest opinion about how Jim is doing as Captain.”                                                    

Len sat down in the chair beside Pike’s bed, “If it wasn’t for Jim, we wouldn’t be here having this conversation and Earth would have shared Vulcan’s fate.”

“I know the facts.  I also know that if you hadn’t brought him aboard, he wouldn’t have been aboard to save anyone, because his own arrogance had grounded him.”

When Len remained silent, Pike continued, “You’ve seen his psych evals.  You know him better than anyone else.  If he hadn’t fucked up on the Maru he would have been on the bridge.  Why couldn’t he take the lesson he was meant to learn from the Maru and move on like everyone else?  Why cheat?”

Len considered his answer carefully.  “Jim isn’t like everyone else.  He didn’t need the Maru to teach him how to face fear and maintain control in the face of defeat.  He’d already learned those lessons.  All the Maru did was reinforce his refusal to accept failure.  I don’t know why the idiot cheated, but from a psychological perspective it can be explained.  Jim truly believes that there is no such thing as a no-win scenario, he can’t allow himself to believe there is.  The fact that the Maru was designed with no possible option for success offended his sense of fair play.”

“Then isn’t he setting himself up for failure?  The Universe doesn’t play fair and someday he’s going to encounter a situation he can’t cheat and manipulate himself out of.”

“Maybe so, but we’re lucky Jim doesn’t accept failure.  If he did we wouldn’t be here.”

Pike and Len sat for a moment in silence considering that.  After a couple of minutes Len cleared his throat.  When he had the older man’s attention he broached a subject both had always chosen to leave unspoken.

“Chris, just how much do you know about Jim’s past?  About Tarsus?”

“Only what I read in the official files.”  Pike gave him a searching look, “I always figured it was less than you knew.  As close as you two were,” and Len didn’t miss the past tense, “I just figured Jim had probably shared things with you he would never share with me.  Why do you ask?”

“It’s recently come to my attention that Doctor Puri was one of the first responders who treated Jim on Tarsus.”

Pike nodded, “I served with Puri on the Aldrin years later.  He didn’t like to talk about it, but one night over a few beers he did tell me he’d been there.  I didn’t know he’d taken care of Jim, though, that never came up.  Why?”

“I just wondered if maybe he’d shared any information with you.”

“No.  But if I’d known, I would have asked.”  Pike glanced at the CMO’s office, “Did you find something in his things?”

“Maybe,” he hedged.  “I was cleaning out Puri’s personal effects and there were some files in the desk.  They have notes on the Tarsus survivors.”

Pike gave him a hard look.  “You know anything related to Tarsus has been declared confidential and restricted.”

“I do.  But…,” Len trailed off trying to think about how to explain his need to know.

“But it would go a long way towards understanding why Jim does what he does.”

“Yeah,” Len admitted, relieved that Pike understood.

“That’s quite an ethical dilemma.  You’re required by law to turn those files over to Starfleet.”

“And I will.”

“But not before you’ve read them.”

“No.”

“How do you think Jim is going to feel about that when he finds out?” Pike asked curiously.

Len sighed.  “I don’t know.  He refuses to discuss Tarsus and out of respect I haven’t read his file.  And I won’t unless he gives me permission.  If I did, he’d never trust me again.”

“You and I know Jim doesn’t trust many people.  If I were you I’d tread carefully or this could all blow up in your face.”

“Thanks.  I’d already figured that one out on my own.”

With that, Len went in search of Nurse Rodriguez and left Pike to rest.

 

oOo

Jim and Spock had finished reviewing the crew training schedules and he decided to take this rare break to bring up something that had been weighing on him.  He’d seen a glimpse of their future friendship through the mind meld with Old Spock.  He didn’t know if that pertained to this new reality, but if they were going to be friends, he needed to clear the air first.

Jim looked at the Vulcan who was signing his approval on the completed schedules.  “Do you wonder what my answer would have been?”

“Your answer?  I have not asked you a question.”

“My answer to your charge at the disciplinary hearing.”

Spock nodded in understanding.  “I do not wonder, as I no longer require a response to my accusation.  You have shown through action that you possess the qualities of a Starfleet Captain.”

Jim pushed the issue, “But you didn’t know that then.  I was being an arrogant asshole and you had every right to call me on it.  What you didn’t have the right to do was to bring my father into it.”

Spock tilted his head as he considered.  “I respectfully disagree.  Your performance would obviously be compared to your father’s.” 

“Why?  He was Captain for like, twelve minutes.”

“During which he performed admirably and exhibited the qualities Starfleet seeks to instill in its officers.”

“That’s great,” Jim muttered.  “He performed admirably for everyone else and I grew up without a father.”

“I am sorry if I upset you, Jim.”

“No,” Jim shook it off, “Never mind.  If anyone deserves to call me out, it’s you.  I had no right to bring your mother into things on the bridge either.  I just couldn’t think of any other way to force you to show your temper.”  He looked at his First Officer in complete sincerity, “The words I said, I didn’t mean them and I’m sorry that I caused you distress.”

“There is nothing to forgive.  You did what you believed was necessary under the circumstances as they were known.  Your actions require no apology, as it turned out to be the correct decision.”

 “Just because I was right doesn’t mean you can’t be mad at me.”

“Because I am Vulcan means I cannot be mad at you.”

“I call bullshit.  I know damn well you have feelings,” Jim ran one hand across his throat and smiled, “you proved that quite painfully.”

Spock raised one brow in question, “Why did you not defend yourself?”

Jim’s countenance darkened, “Because I deserved it.”

“You did not, Jim,” Spock answered gravely.

“Well, let’s just say we agree to disagree.”  Jim headed the conversation off before it strayed into dangerous territory.

Spock looked like he was studying a difficult equation whose answer remained elusive, “Most illogical.”

Jim pasted on his best cocky smile, “Yup, that’s me.”

But Spock would not be deterred, “What you did was for the good of the ship and the Federation.  I cannot fault you for that.”

“Well, thank you Spock,” Jim accepted reluctantly.  If only he could forgive himself as easily as it seemed Spock was willing to.

Jim searched for something to fill the awkward silence and all he could come up with was, “So, you and Uhura, huh?” 

“I am not discussing this.”  

Jim smirked.  That was better, he could deal with Spock on this level. 

Jim leaned back in his chair and studied Spock, “Are Vulcans and humans even compatible, I mean, of course they are, or you wouldn’t be here right?  But what do you two even talk about?”

“Nyota is quite versed in many subjects, conversation with her is always stimulating.”

“Stimulating, huh?  What do you talk about during sex?” 

Spock’s expression was impassive.

“Do you like whisper sweet nothings in her ear?”

Spock picked up his PADD and stood, “I am not discussing this.  But it may interest you to know that Vulcan males, unlike humans, do not require a refractory period.”

Jim’s eyes went wide as he processed that image as Spock walked calmly away.

Damn.  He was going to have to ask Bones about that.  And that thought caused a whole new level of problems for Jim as he made his way to the bridge.

As he took his seat he couldn’t help taking a good long look at Uhura.  She did seem very satisfied.  He glanced at Spock, who was clearly watching him watch Uhura.  He smiled nervously and made himself busy with ship’s business.  He had learned his lesson the first time, he had no intention of finding himself on the wrong end of that Vulcan anger again.

 

oOo

“Why can’t I lay in my own bed in my own quarters?” Pike pushed sulkily. 

“Because I would have to assign a staff member to be with you at all times and I can’t spare anyone.”

“I would be fine on my own.”

“Captain, you can’t even go to the bathroom without assistance,” he said gently, noting Pike’s embarrassed flush.  “I can’t release you from medbay, I am sorry.”  Len looked around the small very, very public space thinking.  “But maybe I can make you a little more comfortable right here.  Let me see what I can do.”

He took his leave and retreated to his office to make some calls.  It didn’t take long for Scotty to show up at his office door.

“That was fast.”

“Well, anything to help the Captain.  So what did you have in mind?”  They conferred for a while in the CMO’s office.  Scotty left and returned later with several of his men.

Pike watched with interest as they went to work.  The bay had been under reconstruction since the attack, but the Chief Engineer had obviously ordered some modifications. 

Pike called McCoy over, “What are they up to?”

“Just making a few changes to the floor plan.”

“Without authorization?”

Len tried to put this as delicately as he could, he hated reminding the Captain that he was no longer in charge.  “The changes were approved by the Acting Captain.”

It took most of the rest of the day, but by that evening Scotty and his crew had managed to take an open area of the bay adjacent to the CMO’s office and flank it on two sides with transparent privacy walls.  They had created an access door to the corridor behind the main bay that connected with the CMO’s office and the surgical bays.  The open ward floor plan in the medbay worked well for day to day minor emergencies, but it left a bit to be desired when a patient was required to remain long term.  There were two isolation rooms, but those were too far removed from the main bay.  What Len had needed was a place where Pike could have some semblance of privacy and where Len still had ready access to him.  Pike’s situation was still unstable and he required constant monitoring.

As Len and one of his orderlies moved Pike’s biobed into the newly repurposed area, he looked around with interest.  All of the monitoring equipment was ready and waiting.  He had a bedside table for his things, a tray table which could be used to work on and doubled as a dining surface, and there was a comfortable chair beside his bed.  It clearly said that the Doctor was now going to allow him visitors.  He was also pleased to see a PADD lying on the bedside table.

After the bed was locked into place on the deck, Len maneuvered the tray table over to where Pike could reach it easily.  He handed him the PADD and pulled up the program that controlled the bed and lighting and tapped the privacy controls.  The transparent walls on either side of the bed went opaque.  He then pulled the curtain that would close off the rest of the bay from view.  The walls were half height which would allow the medical staff to view the biomonitors while the walls and curtain would allow Pike some privacy. 

Len fixed the Captain with a stern look, “Ok, let’s get something straight right off the bat.  I’m going to clear you for visitors and allow you access to the ship’s library, but you are not cleared for duty.  Your only job here is to rest and recuperate.  As long as your vitals are stable you can maintain your privacy, but if the situation changes we might need to reassess.  You may need to keep the walls transparent during certain hours of the day depending on the staffing situation.  I need to be able to keep an eye on you.  Is that understood?”

Pike gave him a small thankful smile, “Yes, Dad.”

“Alright then.  Get some rest.  I’ll let the Captain know you’re able to have visitors for short periods.”  He had started to walk away, but turned back and gave him another stern look, “One chair, one visitor.”

The doctor acted like a hard ass, but he really was a softie underneath all that bluster.

 

oOo

Len had found himself keeping busy in the main bay and avoiding his office.  He was hyper aware of what waited in his desk.  He could feel it crawl along the edges of his consciousness and he knew he was weak.  If he went in there he would open that file, so he managed to avoid his office until the end of Alpha.

“Aren’t you off shift now, Doctor?” Nurse Rodriguez asked.

“I just have a little paperwork to do before I leave.”

“Ok, well, see you in the morning.”

“See you in the morning.”

Len did need to prepare the daily medical department report for Spock, but that was the last thing on his mind at the moment.

He punched in his access code and looked around the bay as the doors slip open.  No one was paying him any attention, it only felt like everyone was watching him, like they could sense his guilt.  He sat down in his chair and ran his hand over the smooth, cool surface of the desk.  His palms were sweaty even though the temperature in the office was cool.  He looked out over the bay one last time before he made the window opaque and locked the door to ensure his privacy. 

Len took a couple of deep breaths and tried really hard to shake the feeling that he was doing something wrong before he placed his hand on the biolock so it could read the DNA in his perspiration.  He was perspiring freely now, his bangs were beginning to stick to his forehead, and he wiped his palms against his pant legs.

He was about to knowingly violate a Starfleet Security Directive.  He knew could be prosecuted.  At the least he could lose his clearance, at the most, his rank.  But it was always better to ask forgiveness than to ask for permission, especially when you were pretty sure you would be denied permission.

He removed the thick file from the bottom drawer and set it on the desk front of him, took a deep breath, and flipped it open before he could lose his nerve.

_Leighton?_

His eyes scanned quickly down the right page: Leighton, Thomas, age 16.  Chief complaints:  Enucleation of the left eye and maxillofacial burns suffered as a result of phaser fire. 

He sat back stunned, numb.  It wasn’t Jim’s file.  He had been so sure. 

He reached into the drawer and started pulling files at random and flipping them open: female, age 43, female, age 22, male 37, male 43, male 67.  He tossed each one aside and grabbed another, the discard pile grew, covering the surface of his desk, some files sliding to the floor.  Very few were children. 

Another fun Tarsus fact that his mind dredged up unprompted; 12% of the population had been children under the age of 15, roughly 960.  Only 57 had been among the survivors.  He stopped on another file, male, age 6.  He set the children aside into a separate pile.  Kevin Riley, that name rang a bell.  New kid, freshman class, he’d seen him and Jim eating together in the mess - well, more like talking over trays of untouched food. 

Len was starting to lose hope when his fingers found another file near the back that felt thicker.  He pulled it out and flipped it open and stopped dead.  Male, age 14.   He looked to the medical notes.  Kirk, James T. 

The un-redacted trial testimony was longer in this file than any of the others and he could tell there were holos at the back, but he just briefly skimmed the medical notes.  He couldn’t help himself, he was a doctor after all, Jim’s doctor.  His trained eyes quickly picked out pertinent words and phrases; abuse, sustained torture, lacerations, concussion, phaser burns.  He knew that he needed to stop, that he owed it to Jim, but it still took all of his will power to close the file that contained the answers he had been looking for for years. 

Len sat staring at the folder in his hand.  It was all right there.  All of the answers to the questions that kept him up at night, right in his hand, and he couldn’t read it.  He slapped the file down on his desk in frustration. 

He needed to take this file to Jim, but what if Jim said no?  What if Jim took it and destroyed it?  He knew he couldn’t betray Jim’s trust, it had taken him too long to earn it.  He guessed that trust was going to have to go both ways.

Len sat contemplating the mess he’d made of his office and finally decided to box the files up and take them back to his room.  He had to have Jim’s permission to read _his_ file, but didn’t need permission to read the others.  As his grandfather used to say, ‘in for a penny in for a pound.’  After all, they could only prosecute him once whether he read one file or several hundred.

 

oOo

Once the files were safely stowed at the back of his closet and his room securely locked, Len decided to take a walk.  He knew he had to find a chance to talk to Jim, but he didn’t know how that was going to happen.  Jim was busy and they weren’t exactly on the best of terms at the moment.  He was going to have to wait until he could find a time when they were both off duty.  Jim was still his best friend, legally, and in all ways that mattered, he was much more than that and just having the file in his possession felt like a huge betrayal of Jim’s trust. 

Len couldn’t have a drink, so he decided to go to the mess for a piece of pie, peach pie like his mother used to make.  It was his comfort food.  He replicated a slice of pie and took a seat at a long mess table, the only other occupant several seats down. 

He took a bite and stared outraged at the abomination on his plate that dared to call itself pie.

“All of the most advanced tech on this ship and they still can’t replicate a decent piece of peach pie,” he muttered under his breath.

Chekov looked up from his spot at the end of the table, “Something is wrong, yes?”

“Oh, yeah, it’s all wrong,” Len scowled as he picked at his dessert.  He put another forkful in his mouth and rolled it around on his tongue before swallowing it.  “I know it’s stupid, but it _feels_ wrong.  The texture is wrong.  Peaches just don’t _feel_ like that.” 

He looked at Chekov’s wide eyed questioning look and sighed in frustration, “I can’t explain exactly why.”  He poked at the fruit filling, “They look like peaches, they smell like peaches.”  He took another small bite, “The taste isn’t quite right, but it’s not bad, but they feel wrong.” 

Len dropped his fork onto the plate next to the uneaten piece of pie. 

“Jim tweaked the one in our dorm room until I could almost taste my grandma’s pie, like I was sitting on the porch step in the sun, the ice cream melting into the warm peaches.”  Len got a faraway look in his eye as he remembered the Sunday afternoons in the Georgia heat, the adults sitting on the porch chatting, the kids playing in the yard.

“That is much to expect from a piece of pie.”

Len was brought back to the present and sighed, “I know, kid.” 

Chekov sat frowning, puzzling.  “I may try, yes?”

“Knock yourself out kid.”  Len slid the plate along the table toward the Ensign before he stood, leaving Chekov contemplating the plate he’d left behind.

 

oOo

The young Captain was becoming a frequent visitor to the medbay, but he usually timed his visits with Captain Pike for after Dr. McCoy’s shift.  That meant Christine was getting to see even more of Kirk than she had planned, but he was usually all business. 

She managed to make herself scarce when he was in medbay, but it was inevitable that their paths would cross on occasion.  Tonight was one of those lucky nights.

Jim didn’t bother to try to charm her, it never worked with her, but today he was definitely getting an irritated vibe.

“Everything ok, Lieutenant?”

“Just peachy, Captain.” 

The way she stressed his title made him cringe a little.  He never knew where he stood with this woman, when to address her personally instead of professionally.  His leading with her title had essentially shut down any avenue of conversation outside of her duties.

He took a breath and tried again.  “You sure, Chapel?”  He couldn’t call her Chris or Christine, he never had.  They usually stuck to last names in their personal interactions.  He waited while she tried to make up her mind whether to answer or not.

She looked him over and seemed to come to some sort of decision.  “No, everything is not ok, as I’m sure you’re well aware.” 

“Well, I know it’s been rough, but I have it on the best of authority that we should have the communications up and running again soon,” He smiled, but she just looked at him disgusted. 

“Communications really isn’t your strong suit is it?”

“I beg your pardon?”

“You should be begging for his pardon, not mine.”

Now Jim was confused.  “What exactly are we talking about here?”

“Don’t play stupid, Kirk.  We’re talking about Le-, McCoy.”

They were?  “Nooo …, I was talking about ship’s communications.” 

“You may have been, but the area you really need to work on is interpersonal communications.  I have never seen two grown men who were less capable of dealing with their emotions than the two of you.”

“Now hold on just a minute, Lieutenant.  You’re overstepping.”

Again with her title.  “No, you can’t pull the captain card now.  And if you think for one minute that I’m not going to say my piece just because you’re my commanding officer, you have another thing coming.”

“I wouldn’t expect anything less,” he said warily.  He couldn’t very well discipline her when he was the one who had made the conversation personal, but he was damned if he was going to stand here and listen to her lecture him on anything to do with Bones. 

Jim looked around to make sure there were no other crew members within hearing distance.  “Chapel, I don’t know what you’re trying to get at, but whatever it is, it’s none of your business.”  God, he wanted to tell her to fuck off, but in the interest of decorum, he couldn’t let her provoke him.

“Yeah, well at least you both agree on that.  And you’re right, it’s no longer my business,” and with that she stomped off.

What the fuck had just happened?  Jim played with the idea of finding Bones to see what had crawled up Chapel’s ass, but he was late for a meeting with Scotty. 

 

oOo

**Stardate 2258.47, February 16, 2258**

Scotty spent most of the night holed up in the transporter room with Chekov.  Scotty’s solution to their communications problems wasn’t elegant, but he hoped it would be effective.  He had managed to hobble together a homemade communications relay from parts found on the ship and the shuttles and planned to transport it out into space in front of the Enterprise. 

Chekov had calculated the farthest possible distance they could transport the relay and plotted the coordinates to a point directly in Enterprise’s path, a full day’s travel ahead of the ship at the impulse speed they were currently capable of.

Scotty made a few last minute adjustments before telling the ensign to, “Energize.”

They watched the large hunk of metal on the transporter pad swirl into nothingness.

“Well, now.  All that remains is the cryin’ if this dinnae work.”

The Engineer and Helmsman hurried to the bridge.

 

oOo

Jim and Spock waited for Scotty to test his relay’s performance.  Due to their distance, the transmission had to be very short and the beam very narrow to ensure it had enough energy to reach the relay, which would boost the transmission and send it on to the next relay in line.  It would be received and retransmitted in that fashion until it reached the outpost orbiting Pluto.  The transmission would take approximately three hours to reach Pluto, but it would allow the Enterprise to make contact with Earth and Starfleet two days earlier than anticipated.  And every hour counted.  Every hour that their loved ones didn’t know their fate. 

Then they waited.

The atmosphere on the bridge was one of optimistic anticipation.  The hours crawled past so slowly that Jim thought he might lose his mind.  They hadn’t informed the crew about this experiment in case it didn’t work.  He didn’t want to get anyone’s expectations up only to disappoint them.   

The first data burst they directed to Starfleet was a succinct message explaining the status of the ship and its location.  The most pertinent information that needed to be sent.  If nothing else got through, at least Starfleet would know they were alive.

It had been nearly four hours and Jim had started to lose hope when Uhura announced excitedly, “Captain, I have an incoming transmission!  It’s Starfleet Command!”

Jim sat up straight in the Captain’s chair, “On the screen, Lieutenant.”

“Yes, sir!”

Jim laughed with intense relief when the forward screen resolved to reveal the stunned visages of Admirals Komack and Barnett and Fleet Admiral Marcus.  The reception was spotty and the video showed interference, but the audio was loud and clear.

“Cadet Kirk?” Komack squinted at him in wonder.

“Yes, sir.  Well, Acting Captain Kirk, Sir.” 

“Captain?  What happened to Captain Pike and Commander Spock?” This from Admiral Marcus.

“Um, well, Captain Pike is recovering from injuries received in the confrontation with Nero.”

Spock stepped forward to stand beside the Captain’s chair, “And I, sir, am present.”

“Commander Spock, why have _you_ not assumed command?” Admiral Komack questioned.

“A cadet at the helm?  That’s highly irregular.” Admiral Marcus added.

Seeking clarification, Admiral Barnett addressed Spock, “Explain your actions, Commander.”

Jim was starting to get irked at being left out of the conversation and he refused to be pushed aside or have his authority questioned publicly.  He stepped in quickly to redirect the questioning.  “Admirals, everything will be explained in due course.”  Any further explanation or debriefing would have to be done in private. 

He knew that Starfleet Command would have no choice but to accept his field promotion for the duration of this mission, but once they returned to Earth he had no idea if he would retain his rank.  Hell, he still faced disciplinary charges at the Academy.

“Sirs, I will be happy to answer any and all of your questions as soon as we’re within communications range of Earth.  Our ship is damaged and right now we don’t know if we’ll be able to maintain this connection, so it is of the utmost importance that we make our mission report on the condition of the ship and crew.  In the interest of the sensitive nature of our information, I would request that this communication be continued on a secured channel.”

“Quite right Kirk,” Komack agreed.  “We will accept your report transmission and will continue this conversation over a secure channel.  It’s good to see you well and we’re highly pleased to hear of your success.  We’ll prepare for your arrival.”

Admiral Barnett continued, “I have to say, this is very welcome news.  There hasn’t been much to celebrate here since Nero’s attack.    It’s unbelievable that Enterprise weathered this battle with so few casualties.  I dare say there will be quite a few happy family members tonight.”

“My crew will be relieved to know that their families and loved ones will be informed of their return. But, sir, we’re aware of the tremendous loss at Vulcan and we respectfully request to know the status of the other ships that responded to the distress call.”

“Understood, Captain.  We will provide you with the report and casualty lists.  But, I must warn you that the losses were extensive.”

“Were there any other survivors?” 

“There were … some.”  Barnett became very somber.  “Of the 3673 Starfleet members responding, 178 survivors were recovered.”

There was a collective gasp among the bridge crew. 

“Some subsequently died of their injuries, some remain in critical condition.”

“Understood, sir.  But any news would help.” 

“Of course.”

“Thank you, Sir.  Kirk out.” He signaled Uhura to end the transmission. 

 

Jim wasted no time in making the ship wide announcement that they had made contact with Starfleet and that their families and next of kin were being notified.  It was the high point of his day.  Around the ship cheering shouting could be heard breaking out. 

Len stood in the center of the medbay in stunned silence as his staff and patients cheered around him.  He’d known Jim would find a way, he’d never doubted and now Joanna would know he was coming home.  Len brushed away the tear at the corner of his eye and thought about demanding a little decorum from his staff, but decided instead to let them celebrate.  There had been precious little to celebrate as of late.

 

Jim sat at the desk in his ready room and scrolled through the seemingly endless pages of data.  The list of names continued on for 142 pages.  They were arranged in alphabetic order and Jim jumped right to the M’s.  His eyes slid down the list, Makay, Martin, he paused, no Marcus.  The admiral’s daughter was thankfully absent.  He continued on, Merchant, Moran.  Moreau.  He sat staring at the stark black printing; Moreau, Marlena Louise, Cadet Ensign, Astrophysics, USS Hood.  He ran his fingers over the brief entry before turning the PADD off.  He flicked the comm link on the desk, “Lieutenant Uhura.”

“Yes, Sir.”

“You may release the casualty list to the crew.” 

“Yes, sir,” she said quietly, as she disconnected. 

Jim sat back in his chair and tried to figure out what he was feeling.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What Scotty meant: Well, laddy, as my dear departed seanmhair (grandmother) used to say, ‘Whit’s fur ye’ll no go by ye!’ (What’s meant to happen will happen).


	9. Chapter Eight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have increased the chapter number on this fic. I think I'll need at least two more to finish this up, then maybe an epilogue. We'll see.

**Stardate 2258.48, February 17, 2258**

Now that they had confirmation, Jim moved ahead with the formal memorial service to honor the lives of the crews, family and friends that had been lost in the battle over Vulcan.  He worked with Spock to create a multi-cultural remembrance.  Due to the sheer numbers of casualties, Jim wasn’t able to perform the usual Starfleet ceremony which culminated in ringing the ship’s bell once for each member lost, so instead he decided to incorporate the memorial the crew had started on the bulkhead outside the mess hall.  He had a list drawn up for each ship and posted them beside the name of their ship on the wall and they would ring the bell once for each ship.

Starfleet would probably have this memorial removed the first chance they got, it really didn’t belong in the Starship’s corridor, but Jim knew the importance of allowing his crew to express their grief and for them to know it was recognized by their command staff.  Military stoicism had its place, but this crew had been through too much to deny them this modest comfort. 

Len attended the ceremony and was overwhelmed by the sheer magnitude of the loss represented by the lists papering the ship’s corridor.  Len accused Jim of compartmentalizing, but he was just as guilty.  He had gotten so wrapped up in his duties and his relief that _his_ loved ones were safe, that he hadn’t given much thought to just how much had been lost. 

He hadn’t gotten close to many cadets other than Jim and Uhura and his colleagues in medical, but he had been acquainted with many of them through classes and as patients.  They had been so young, had so much potential.  The loss of experienced crews and the next generation of Starfleet officers would set Starfleet back for years to come. 

Jim wrapped it up, “Remember.  Don’t forget, but don’t dwell on the loss.  Celebrate their lives, share their stories and remember the good times.”

 

After the ceremony many lingered talking, hugging and crying, breaking into small groups to share their stories and celebrate the memories.  Jim shook hands and offered his condolences, but remained apart.

Uhura noticed Jim standing alone.  She searched the crowd for McCoy, he was usually the one keeping Kirk company, but he was nowhere to be seen and she was worried about the Captain isolating himself from the crew.   McCoy wasn’t around, so it looked like it was up to her to draw him out. 

Jim gave her a small diplomatic looking smile as she approached.  “How are you doing, Jim?”

He took a moment to consider before answering, “I’m missing, Gaila.”

“Me, too.  But she’ll always be here,” she said as she placed one hand over her heart and one over Jim’s.

The unexpected gesture nearly brought the Captain to tears and Uhura looked on in alarm until he managed to get himself back under control.  She looked once more around the room before taking him by the arm, “Come on, we need to talk,” she said decisively as she steered him out of the crowded chapel.

Jim followed as she led him to the mess hall and they found a small table where they would be able to sit and talk in relative privacy.

Once they were seated she turned her full attention on him, “Ok, Jim, talk to me.”

Jim shook his head sadly.  “It’s just that the last time I saw Gaila,” his voice cracked and he had to clear his throat to continue, “she told me she loved me and I … I didn’t take her seriously.”

Uhura reached across the small table and covered his hand with hers, “I know, she told me.”

Jim shouldn’t have been surprised by that.  Despite their differences Gaila and Uhura had been very close.

“We talked after you left.  Gaila knew she’d made a mistake.  She struggled with our language and with expressions of emotion and she knew that you had misunderstood.”  Uhura cast around for the right words, keenly feeling the responsibility to her dead friend to correctly express the sentiment Gaila had wanted to share with Jim.  “She wanted you to know that she loved you and valued your friendship, and that she had missed seeing you.”  

“But, I…, when she said it, all I could think to say was, ‘that is so weird’, because it was, but I didn’t mean it that way.  And now I’ll never get to tell her that, that I loved her, too.”

Kirk looked perilously close to tears again.  She looked around self-consciously, she didn’t know what she’d do if the Captain burst into tears in the middle of the mess and hurried to reassure him.

“She knew, Jim.  And she understood, she knew your heart was elsewhere.” 

That statement just caused the Captain to look even more miserable.

“She would never want you mourning her with regret.  She didn’t believe in regret.”

Jim huffed a small laugh at that, “No, no she didn’t.”

They shared a few more remembrances of Gaila before Uhura chanced expressing her other condolence.

“I wanted to tell you that I’m sorry about Marlena, too, Jim.”

Jim heard Bones sharing the same sentiment, _‘I’m sorry, Jim.’_

He hadn’t known what to say then and he still didn’t know what to say.  He didn’t deserve anyone’s condolences where Marlena was concerned. 

Uhura was watching him closely.  “Just because you’re the Captain now, doesn’t mean that you aren’t still Jim Kirk, the Cadet who was a constant pain in my ass.  We’ve known each other for three years, Jim.  You can talk to me.”

It was true, she was the only one who had known him longer than Bones, by eight whole hours.

Jim did trust Uhura.  She knew things about him from being Gaila’s roommate, but he’d never caught her telling tales.  She kept her confidences. 

Jim didn’t quite know how to explain how he was feeling.  He was ashamed of his behavior.  Through all of this he really hadn’t been thinking about Marlena at all.  The only one he had been thinking of was Bones.  Marlena had deserved better from him and Jim felt like he had dishonored her memory. 

“After I left your room, I went back to Marlena.”

Uhura looked at him in dismay, “Oh, Jim, tell me you didn’t.”

“What?”  He looked at the accusation in Uhura’s eyes, “No, nothing happened.”  Not that that hadn’t been his intention… 

 

He had returned to Marlena’s room and she had smelled Gaila on his reds and called him on it. 

_“Nothing happened, we’re just friends.” Technically nothing did happen and they were friends, they had been just friends for over a year now._

_“No one is ‘just’ friends with an Orion.”_

_Jim bristled at her choice of words, “I never took you for a xenophobe.”_

_“Everyone warned me about you.  You have a reputation.”_

_That stung.  He’d tried his best.  He really had.  Maybe everyone was right about him after all.  Maybe he couldn’t do monogamy.  Or maybe he just couldn’t do it with her._

_Marlena was the one to finally say what they were both thinking, “I think it might be better if you left.”_

_“Yeah, I think you’re right.”  Jim lingered for a moment at the door, not knowing what else to say.  There really wasn’t anything else_ to _say.  “I’ll come by tomorrow and get my things.”_

_She just nodded, but didn’t look at him as he left._

 

“She had some choice words to say about Gaila and we got into a fight.  We both decided it wasn’t going to work.  I spent the night in the flight simulator.”  Jim tried to make light of it, “Had to be there early the next morning anyway.  After the Maru, I stayed in Bones’ and my room.  I planned to go get my things on the day of the hearing.  And, well, I never saw her again.”  Jim scratched absently at a spot on the table.  “I never got a chance to say I was sorry.”

“Did you tell Leonard that you two broke up?”

“No.  I didn’t tell anyone.” 

“Why not?”

“I don’t know, I felt like maybe if we sat down and talked, maybe, who knows…,” he shrugged helplessly.  Truth was he was ashamed that his first long term relationship had failed.

“Did you love her, Jim?”

Jim had thought long and hard about that one.  “No.  I thought maybe I did, or could, at first, but I think maybe that was just wishful thinking or something.”   

“Jim, you can’t sit around martyring yourself to the memory of someone you didn’t love.  It sucks the way this went down, but you can’t be expected to act like she was the love of your life.  If you didn’t love her it wouldn’t have worked out.  You’re not to blame for what happened to her.”  She patted his hand and waited for him to look up before she continued.  “It’s ok to move on.  It doesn’t mean you didn’t care for her, but there’s no point in pretending there was anything more to your relationship than there really was.” 

“God, I feel guilty.”

“You didn’t know what was going to happen, no one did.  You can’t blame yourself.”

Jim’s attention wandered around the room as he replayed her words in his head.  His eyes settled on Bones who was sitting with Ensign Chekov.  They were sharing a piece of pie.

Bones took a bite and his face broke into a big jovial smile.  He laughed and grabbed Chekov in a big bear hug.  The boy was blushing when Bones released him to slap him on the back. 

Jim was overwhelmed by a sudden rush of jealousy instantly followed by regret.

Uhura watched the play of emotions across Jim’s unguarded face.  He was very expressive when his defenses were down.

“You’re practically transparent, you know that?”  Jim looked at her, his mask firmly back in place.  “Don’t even try.  I was there, remember, on the shuttle with you two when you met.”

“How could I forget?”  Jim reverted to his well worn cocky persona, “You were looking fine.”  He pointed an accusing finger at her, “I got beat up for you.”

It was Uhura’s turn to look guilty.  They had joked about this many times over the years, but she had never really addressed the situation seriously.  “I don’t think I ever apologized for that.”

Jim dropped the cocky tone.  “Wasn’t your fault Cupcake is, was, a complete Neanderthal.  And I might just have been asking for it.”  She laughed and he studied her for a moment, “You know, I’ve always wondered, if he hadn’t gotten in the way, would you have taken me up on it?” 

She considered him.  She probably owed him this, and as much as she hated to encourage him, he looked like he could use a boost.  She huffed a dramatic sigh, “Well, you were kind of charming.  In your small town hick kind of way, mind you.”

“Sure, sure.”  But Jim was already smirking, “I’m much more sophisticated now.” 

“I can see that.  But you’re still not my type.”

“What is your type by the way?  Tall, dark, and logical?”

“Exactly.”  She knew she had opened herself up for Jim’s renewed flirting.  It was harmless, but she should probably nip it in the bud.   

She looked up to see Spock approaching the table. 

Or she could let Spock deal with it. 

It seemed that thinking of the Vulcan had summoned him.  Perhaps it had.  She was still learning to navigate the minefield of having a telepathic lover.  Vulcans were normally touch telepaths, meaning they had to have skin to skin contact to read a person’s emotions or thoughts, but their relationship had progressed to the point that a bond had been formed between them. 

It was a new thing and she was still getting used to having someone else in her mind.  Sometimes it was damn inconvenient, but right now she was glad that he had correctly read her emotions.  She was worried about Jim, but wary about him overstepping the very new boundaries of their developing friendship.  Spock would put him in his place without seeming to do so. 

The Vulcan’s mere presence seemed to have the desired effect.  Jim cleared his throat guiltily, “Mr. Spock.  We were just talking about you.”

“Indeed?”  He held out one hand, “Nyota, it is time to go.” 

Uhura fought hard to suppress a smile as she placed her hand in his and stood, knowing that once their fingers met, he would know everything about the conversation she had had with Kirk.  It was ok though, he was very good at keeping secrets.

Before she followed Spock out she had one more word of advice for the Captain.

“Talk to Leonard.” 

“Why?” 

“Because he’s your friend?  Since when have you needed a reason to talk to him?”

Since he’d walked out on him and fucked everything up.  “I’ll think about it.”

She’d watched Jim’s face cloud over and frowned.  “What would Gaila say?”

Jim swallowed hard, “Well, first she would call me an idiot.”  He cleared his throat, “Then she would ask, ‘why did you not go to your doctor?’”

“Exactly.  Talk to him, Jim.”  She left the Captain lost in thought.

She had started to follow Spock when Jim called out, “Hey, thanks, Uhura.”

“Nyota” she called back over her shoulder.

Jim just smiled.  He knew he would get it out of her eventually.  But the victory was bittersweet.

 

oOo

Jim thought about talking to Bones.  He really did.  But Bones had been avoiding him, keeping him at a professional distance, and maybe Jim was avoiding Bones, too, because he let him. 

Now that they were back in touch with Starfleet Jim was busier than ever.  He was aware that his every decision was going to be scrutinized when they returned to Earth and he was trying to make sure every regulation that could be followed was.  There was just no good time to talk to Bones.

 

**Stardate 2258.49, February 18, 2258**

The next time they were in relay range with Starfleet the ship was flooded with data packets. 

“Sir, we seem to be receiving communications of a personal nature.  It looks like Starfleet is sending personal comms flagged as Urgent Diplomatic Communiques.”

Jim swung his chair around to face the communications officer, “Is it an error?”

“No sir, they’re being sent directly from Command.  They’re forwarding family messages on official channels usually reserved for highly confidential and urgent communications.” 

“Well, accept them Lieutenant.”

“Yes sir!” 

“But hold the distribution until they’ve all been received.”

Uhura frowned at her screen, “It may take hours at the current rate of transmission.  They’ve boosted the transmission priority, but at this distance it may take hours to receive them all.”

“We might have a mutiny if we start dribbling them out.  I say we hold them and release them in an organized fashion.” 

“What would you suggest, Captain?” This from Spock, who stood at Jim’s side, his hands clasped behind his back.

“We can’t have the entire crew leaving their posts unattended to check their comms.  We’ll need some kind of rotation.”

“We could have all members report to their departments then release the comms in two waves,” the First Officer suggested.

“Good.  Please make the arrangements.”

“What about your comms, Captain?” Uhura asked.

He turned back confused, “Mine?  I have a comm?”

Uhura smiled at Jim’s uncomprehending look, “You have two.  One is addressed jointly to you and Doctor McCoy.”

 Jim looked around the bridge, but no one seemed to give that much notice.  “Uh, I …”

“Captain, I would be happy to remain on the bridge so that you may answer your comm.”  Spock diplomatically didn’t mention Bones.  Spock took in the uncertain look, “I will have no communication to answer as my father is currently aboard.”

“Well, then, I guess under the circumstances, I’ll take you up on that offer.” 

It took two hours and forty three minutes to receive all of the communications forwarded from Starfleet Command.  Jim had spent that time worrying about what he was going to say Bones.

Jim stood, “You have the conn Mr. Spock.  Uhura, wait for my command before releasing the data packets to individual comms.”

“Yes, sir.”

 

On the turbolift ride down to medical, Jim was still trying to figure out what he was going to say to Bones.  They had been avoiding each other since the biting exchange on Valentine’s Day.  But none of that mattered right now.  He was happy that he would be bringing Bones good news, because he was sure that this joint communication was from Joanna.  The other?  Well that was probably from Eleanora and he would take a look at that when he had time after his shift.  This one couldn’t wait.  If it had just been for him, he would have waited until he was off shift and alone in his quarters, but Bones deserved to see it now.

Len looked up from the work on his desk and startled to see Jim standing in front of him, he quickly scanned the desk top irrationally paranoid that something regarding Tarsus might have been left out.

“What can I do for you, Jim?” He asked warily.

“It’s not what you can do for me, it’s what I can do for you for a change.”

Bones looked confused, “How’s that?”

“We received an unexpected transmission of highly classified data packets from Command and there’s one for us.”

Len was trying to decipher the implications.  What could Command want from him that required a secured communication.  His heart sank.  If it was addressed to the Acting CMO and the Acting Captain it couldn’t be good news.  Was he going to be held to task for his actions already?  He thought they would at least have had the courtesy to wait until the ship returned to Earth to discipline him.

“Stop that.”

“What?”

“The jumping to dire conclusions.”

In his experience, they were rarely otherwise. 

“It’s a personal communication.”

“Personal?  But you said it came through official channels.”

“It did.  Seems Starfleet has prioritized our personal communications.  They’re sending us messages from our families.”

Len was almost afraid to ask the next question.  “Joanna?”

Jim smiled and propped himself on the edge of the desk next to Len’s side and crossed his ankles, his hands gripping the edge at his sides.  Len couldn’t help glancing down Jim’s body to the now empty drawer behind him even as he heard Jim say, “It’s addressed to both of us, so I’m thinking that’s a pretty good bet.  So, you ready?”

“More ready than you can imagine.”

Jim chuckled as he leaned over Bones to press the comm link on the CMO’s terminal.  Len was momentarily distracted by the scent of him, but immediately shifted his focus to what was said next, “Uhura, please direct Dr. McCoy’s transmission to the CMO’s office, then release the rest of the communications to personal comm terminals.”

“Yes, sir.”

It took only a second before the light on Len’s terminal started to flash signaling receipt of an incoming communication.  He sat staring at it as it blinked. 

“You gonna answer that, Bones?”

“Yeah.”  He took a deep breath and tried to quash his nervous reaction as he reached over to accept the comm. 

Jim sat watching Bones instead of the terminal screen, so he didn’t miss the look of unconditional love that flooded Bones’ face as Joanna’s smile filled the screen.  “Daddy, Daddy, Daddy!  I knew you would come back!  I told Mama and Gramma!  They didn’t believe me, but I knew that Daddy Jim would keep you safe!”

Jim turned to look at the screen at the mention of his name to see the small girl, braids bouncing, with a grin as big as the sky.  A hand landed on her shoulder to settle her a second before Eleanora’s tearful face came into view as she sat down beside Joanna.

“I wish we could talk, but Gramma says we only have two minutes.  I miss you Daddy and Daddy Jim.  I can’t wait until you get home.  I have a new puppy!  His name is Cooper!  I can’t wait for you to see him.”

Eleanora put her arm around Joanna, “Why don’t you go get Cooper.”  Joanna jumped up at that suggestion and ducked out of view.

Eleanora waited until she heard the back door slam shut before she continued.  “Leo, I … I don’t know what to say.  We thought … well, what we thought doesn’t matter anymore.  Admiral Barnett himself called last night to tell us that they had had contact with the Enterprise and that you were on your way home.  I can’t begin to tell you how relieved we were to find out that you and Jim are safe.  We’ll be waiting for you when you get here.” 

They could hear the back door slamming and the sound of running feet accompanied by the shrill yipping bark of a young puppy.  “Oh, and I apologize right now about the dog, but there was just no consoling Joanna when they told us you were missing.  It was the only thing that made her smile.  Until tonight.  I love you Leo.  I love you too, Jim.  And thank you, Jim.  You kept your promise.  Joanna never had a doubt that you would keep your promise.”

Len looked at Jim suspiciously, “What promise?”

“Later Bones,” he pointed to the screen where Joanna was holding a pudgy squirming puppy up to the screen. 

“This is Cooper!”  The puppy was joyfully licking the girl’s face and Eleanora was laughing and shaking her head.  “We’re out of time Joanna.  Say goodbye to your Daddy and Jim.”

“Bye Daddy!  Bye Daddy Jim!  I love you!”

“I love you to Jojo,” Len whispered as the communication came to an end.  He sat very still and blinked back the tears that had welled making Joanna’s image blurry.  He wiped at his eyes with the back of one hand.

“Well.”  He looked at Jim who seemed to be having troubles of his own.

“Yeah, well.  Cooper, huh?”

“Guess so.”

“Well, I’ll let you get back to work.”  Jim stood and moved back around the large desk.  When he turned, he was surprised to find that Bones had followed him and they were now standing toe to toe.

“What promise, Jim?”

Jim looked at their feet and shrugged, “Jo made me promise that I’d always bring you back.”  He looked up at Bones, his eyes dark and determined, “That’s a promise I won’t break.”

“Jim, I …,” he was surprised when Bones enveloped him in a warm tight hug.  His words a breath across the shell of Jim’s ear, “Thank you.”

Before Jim could respond, Bones released him. 

“Just, thanks.  You kept your promise to me, too.”

Jim didn’t know what to say, so he just shrugged. 

That night there was cause for celebration.  All around the ship the unfamiliar sound of laughter rung out and echoed around the previously silent corridors.

 

oOo

After his moment with Bones, Jim had forgotten about the second communication he’d received.  He’d returned to the bridge and spent the better part of Alpha thinking about Georgia and how much simpler things had seemed at the time.  Of course he knew nothing in his life was simple, but he was happy for that few days he’d had with Bones.  They’d been putting on a show, but he hadn’t really been pretending. 

So, he was surprised when he returned to his room, after running the gauntlet of thankful crew members all wanting to pat his back and express their gratitude, to find the red light blinking on the terminal on his desk.  He had been notified by Command that due to limited transmission space, the comms that were transmitted were only from next of kin.  He had been promised that the next round would include other family and friends.  Joanna had been Bones’ next of kin, though technically Jim was, his daughter qualified as his planet side next of kin.   Jim had assumed that his other communication was from Eleanora, but she hadn’t indicated another message. 

Curious, he took a seat and hit the play button and pressed back in the chair in surprise as Winona Kirk stared back at him from his screen.  “Mom?” 

When she didn’t react, he was reminded that this was a one-way recorded message and sat scrutinizing every detail as it played out.

She seemed uncomfortable.  “Jim.  I just received notification from Command that your ship has been located.” 

So formal and stilted.  Not like Eleanora at all. 

“I heard from a colleague that they were soliciting next of kin for short vidcomms to be sent on to Enterprise.  Imagine my surprise when I wasn’t contacted.  I have my connections, though, and Admiral Liu agreed to submit a comm on my behalf.  So, I sit here with mixed feelings.  I am, of course, glad to hear that you’re safe.  I am relieved that Enterprise is safe and that you survived the fate of so many of your fellow cadets.”

Cold.  Disconnected.  That was how Jim would describe his mother. 

“But after I was told that I was no longer listed as your next of kin, that you had designated a friend of yours, I made a few calls.  Not only did you not see fit to tell me you had removed me, but I found out that you were hospitalized recently and I wasn’t consulted, let alone notified.  Of course, your life is yours to live, as you constantly remind me.  Far be it for me to second guess your decisions, but I would expect the common courtesy you would grant a stranger from my own son.”

Awesome.  He’s getting his ass chewed while everyone else gets tearful messages of love and thankfulness.

“And let’s not gloss over the fact that Command tells me you’re Acting Captain.  Rank jumping again, Jim?  I hope there’s a sufficient explanation as to how a cadet became Acting Captain on the ‘fleet’s flag ship during a time of crisis, because Starfleet Command will be happy with nothing less.”  She sighed tiredly.  “Be well, Jim.  I am glad you’re safe and I look forward to meeting Doctor McCoy.”

Emotionally unavailable. 

_Wait.  What?_

When was his mother planning on meeting Bones?  Jim broke out in a clammy sweat.  He hadn’t told her about Bones.  Sure, he had told Eleanora that his mother knew about Bones, and he _had_ mentioned him in passing the last time they had spoken, fourteen months ago, but he’d never mentioned him by name.

Dammit! 

Winona did have connections.  She’d rubbed elbows with all of the high brass at Starfleet Command, hell, probably in the Federation Council, too.  Who had she been talking to?  She’d mentioned Liu.  Liu had been present at his disciplinary hearing.  Winona probably got a full report considering Liu was never one of his biggest fans.  Not since he’d contradicted her in class. 

Jim stewed.  Liu had clearly been wrong, but had refused to listen to his argument or consider his supporting documentation.  Petty bureaucratic bullshit was what it was.  Jim hated professors who were so full of their own accomplishments that they were unwilling to confront the reality that they could be wrong about anything.  Jim smirked in self-satisfaction, At least Pike had listened when he had lodged a formal complaint when she’d dropped his grade on his presentation.   Of course, that whole incident just acted to further cement the opinions of the academy staff who thought he was cocky and arrogant, and that he had only gotten his position because he was Pike’s pet project. 

Jim slumped further down in his chair and crossed his arm across his chest.  Well, that explained the sour attitude his mother had about his being appointed Captain.  Well, fuck her.  He was used to her disapproval, why should this be any different.

Jim shoved himself up out of his chair and changed into sweats and headed to the gym to work off a little of his aggression.  He couldn’t afford to let it color his interactions with his crew.  He needed to find a healthy outlet and he could hear Bones in the back of his head telling him to punch it out.  The heavy bag was going to get one hell of a beating.

 

oOo

Jim was on the heavy bag when Sulu came down to use the gym.  Jim steadied the bag and picked up his towel off of the bench and wiped the sweat from his face and neck, rubbing vigorously at his hair to dry it.  He threw the towel across his shoulders and watched as Sulu worked his way through the complicated footwork of a kenjutsu exercise.  He waited until he’d finished before approaching.

“You were pretty impressive with that sword on the drilling platform.”

“Thanks, Captain.”

“Not here.  Here I’m, Jim.”

Sulu looked him over, “Have you ever trained with swords?”

Jim didn’t like to admit his inexperience, “Some, but mostly with knives.”  As a kid he’d done some training in knife-fighting techniques which had been developed by the early Marine Corps.  It incorporated the Ka-Bar military knife with hand to hand combat and martial arts for close quarter fighting. 

Sulu looked unimpressed, “Well, it’s a little different.”  Jim hefted Sulu’s sword and marveled at the balance of the blade.  “I could show you some basic techniques, but there are no training blades in here.” 

Jim looked around in thought.  “Be right back.”

Jim was used to using a standard 20cm blade, Sulu was brandishing a curved 60cm Japanese sword.  Man, he wanted to get his hands on one of those.  There had to be something similar in the weapons locker. 

He entered his authorization code into the closest weapons cabinet where he was pleased to find a number of standard issue sabers.  He selected one closest in length to the katana. 

Sulu nodded his approval when Jim showed him the saber.  “Ok, let’s see what you’ve got.”

They both dropped into a fighting stance. 

Jim held his off-hand in the familiar protective stance he’d learned in knife-fight training, vertically to protect his ribs, head and neck, his body at a 45 degree angle from Sulu.  His blade may be longer than Sulu’s, but Jim doubted that would give him the advantage over the experienced fighter. 

Sulu stepped in close and delivered a quick strike to his ribs which caused Jim to stumble at the sharp pain, reminding him that those ribs had only been repaired several days earlier.  Jim stumbled forward and his off-arm made contact with Sulu’s sharp blade.  He immediately stepped back, but the damage was already done.

Jim hissed as he wrapped his hand around the wound on his upper arm.  He applied pressure, but blood continued to ooze stubbornly between his fingers. 

Before Jim could stop him, Sulu had slapped the emergency medical response pad.

“Lieutenant, I really wish you hadn’t done that.”

“Why?”

Jim sighed as the automated system reported the Captain’s medical emergency to medbay, “You’ll see.”

Bones and his team were there in minutes, but by that point Jim was already covered in his own blood.  He had a towel pressed to his arm, but the bleeding still hadn’t stopped.  Jim knew he was going to have to try to mitigate Bones’ response, because Bones’ first instinct was to get all up in Jim’s shit about being an idiot, but he couldn’t have that in front of his crew. 

Len swooped in and started giving orders.  He grabbed Jim and physically rearranged the Captain until he had him lying on the mat with his arm elevated and he turned his complete focus to his patient.

“What the hell have you gone and done now, Jim?” 

“It’s nothing.  Just a little cut.”  He looked at the bloody towel, ok, maybe a more than just a little cut, he was starting to feel light headed, but he was damned if he was going to tell Bones that.

“Uh huh.”  Len didn’t need Jim to tell him he was starting to suffer the effects of blood loss, the kid was pale, even his lips were white.  

The question had been rhetorical anyway because the doctor had instantly assessed the injury based on the amount of blood and the swords lying discarded on the mat.  Jim had most likely nicked the brachial artery which was situated dangerously close to the median nerve that ran down his arm. 

A quick inspection of the damage relieved his biggest fears.  Jim could still turn his hand over and flex his wrist down, so he hadn’t damaged the median nerve too badly. 

Len removed the towel and wrapped a pressure bandage tightly around Jim’s bicep, “Any tingling or numbness in your fingers?” 

“No.”

Len held Jim’s hand in his, gently digging a nail into each finger tip.  “Do you feel that?”

“Yeah, I’m fine Bones.”

“Squeeze my hand as hard as you can.”  Jim’s grip felt weak.  “Mm hmm.  Ok, let’s get the Captain up to medical so I can seal that artery and regenerate the nerve.”

Len ignored Jim and directed his next comment to Sulu who was standing nearby trying to figure out what the punishment would be for maiming his commanding officer. 

“Did the _Captain_ ,” Bones bit out his title and Jim had no doubt he had merely substituted Captain for Idiot, “tell you he’s never used a sword?”

 Jim looked offended, “I’ve used a knife.” 

“Why didn’t you use a practice blade?”

Sulu stood aside wide eyed and watched as McCoy proceeded to scold the Captain for his reckless behavior.  When McCoy moved away to get the hover stretcher ready Sulu spoke to Jim, “That’s a little frightening.  Having all of that intensity focused on you like that.”

“Tell me about it,” Jim said, resigned to his fate. 

 

Len took a seat in front of the bed where Jim was sitting shirtless and rested Jim’s hand on his knee so that he could work comfortably on his upper arm.

“So care to tell me what you were doing sparring with Sulu using regulation combat weapons?”

“No, not really.  I’m the Captain, Bones, I don’t really need to explain that to you.”

“How ‘bout me, Cadet?  I think I’d like an explanation, too.”

Jim turned his head to find Pike’s piercing blue eyes boring into his.  Jim sighed, “Fine.  I went to the gym to work out some …. issues on the heavy bag.  Lieutenant Sulu was there practicing with his katana.  Sir, you have no idea how impressive he was on Vulcan with that sword.” 

“And you thought it was a good idea to challenge a trained swordsman to a duel.” 

“No, I asked him to give me some pointers.” 

“The gym wasn’t stocked with practice weapons yet, so where did you get a sword?”

Jim shifted guiltily and Len was forced to reposition the arm he was working on.

“Well, I kind of issued myself one from the weapons locker on deck twelve.”

Pike was doing a slow burn, Jim could see it in his eyes. 

“And I’m willing to bet that you forgot to mention that you had no prior experience.”

Jim was already shaking his head, “Well, I wouldn’t say that.  I’ve used a knife before.” 

“Uh huh.  I’m aware.”  His eyes never left Jim’s, “That would be the scar on your chest.” 

Bones looked up from the running the regenerator at that.  Up until then he’d been trying to pretend he wasn’t there.  He looked at Jim’s chest and the scar on his right pec.  He reached out and ran his fingers over it without thinking.  Jim caught his hand at the wrist and gave his head a barely noticeable shake.  Len withdrew his fingers, his face heating, and turned his attention back to the wound on Jim’s bicep. 

Pike watched the entire interaction in silence.  Jim stared at him defiantly, challenging him to make a comment.  He knew he wouldn’t with Bones right there.  No, he’d save it for later and catch him off guard.  It was how the man worked. 

He knew Pike had deliberately let that comment drop so that Bones would hear it.  He knew the Doctor would now need to know all of the specifics.  Damn.

 

Sulu chose that moment to drop into medbay to check on Jim’s status.  He stood, nervously looking between Kirk and Pike before addressing the Doctor.  “Is he going to live, Doc?” 

Len gave the Lieutenant his usual scowl as he gathered his tools, “He will unless I kill him.” 

It helped to break the tension in the room. 

Sulu still didn’t quite know how to take the Doctor and he wondered at the familiar nature of his relationship with the Captain.  Obviously they were close friends, Kirk always called McCoy Bones and he hadn’t heard anyone else call him that, nor would they dare to.  Captain Pike didn’t seem concerned, so Sulu figured it was just accepted, like a lot of irregularities were when you were around Kirk.  Well if Pike wasn’t worried, he wasn’t going to worry about it.

 

Pike was the closest thing Jim had to a positive male influence in his life and it pissed him off that the Captain was attempting to manipulate him using the Doctor.  Pike was smart.  He knew that Bones wouldn’t let this go.  Pike knew Bones was his weakness and he was going to exploit that to get Jim to behave the way he wanted him to. 

Len worked in silence while Jim brooded.

His eyes traveled over the scar on Jim’s right pectoral.  It was 2.5cm long, and 4cm above his areola and he knew how it felt under his tongue.  When he’d asked him about it, Jim had given him some dismissive answer about cutting it on a sharp piece of metal when he’d wrecked his bike.  He hadn’t told him it had been a penetrating wound.  It wasn’t close enough to his heart to be a concern, but now Len wondered if there had been any damage to his lung. 

If he had gotten it in a knife fight why hadn’t he had it repaired?  It was one of those scars that any competent doctor would have regenerated without leaving a trace.  Jim had too many of those for his liking.  He thought of the file which was now hidden in his room. 

Had he gotten that injury on Tarsus or during the time he was fending for himself in Iowa?  What kind of a kid would get into a knife fight?  Had it even been a fight?

Once the repair was complete, Bones retreated to his office where he scrubbed Jim’s blood from his hands.  There was only one way he was going to get the answers he needed.  And that was from Jim.

 

When Bones left, Jim settled in to the comfortable chair next to Pike to chat.

“I heard that you received a comm, Captain.  Care to share?” He asked in a teasing tone.  He happened to know Pike had received a message from Phil Boyce and he couldn’t help letting the Captain know that he knew.

Pike chuckled, “You going to share with me?”

Jim frowned, “My comms?  Sure one was from my mother, the other was from Bones’ daughter Joanna.”

Pike wisely avoided the topic of Winona, but it explained Jim’s visit to the gym.  No, he was more interested in the doctor.  “Now, why would the good doctor’s daughter be sending you a comm, Jim?”

“Why not?  She’s a great kid and we’ve gotten close.  I spent some time with her when Bones was in the hospital.”

“And in Georgia after the custody hearing.”

“Of course.” 

“So, just how close are you with the McCoys?”

Jim kept his expression carefully neutral.   “What are you getting at, Chris?” 

“Nothing.  Just wondering.”

“Well, I’m more interested in the comm you received from Doctor Boyce.”

Jim watched Pike closely and didn’t miss the slight blush, “Yeah, well Phil is a close friend.”

“That’s funny, I thought Command was only sending messages from next of kin.”  Yup, definitely a blush. “So, just how close of a friend is Doctor Boyce?”

“Fine,” Pike huffed, “I’ll mind my own business, if you mind yours.”

“Deal.”

They chatted for a little while longer while Jim waited for Bones to reemerge from his office. 

The Captain had started to blink his eyes closed at intervals and his words were becoming slurred, Jim knew it was late and he’d probably kept Pike from getting the sleep he needed.  He was about to take his leave when he was startled by Pike’s monitor blaring an alarm.  He scanned the bio readouts as Bones responded at a run.  His oxygen levels were dangerously low and his heart rate was too slow, his blood pressure dropping. 

“Bones, what’s happening?  Is he going to be ok?” 

Len was already half on the bed turning Pike onto his back and looked back over his shoulder at Jim.  “Someone get the Captain the hell outta here!”

Jim found himself manhandled into the hall way, the doors snicking closed in his face.  He watched through the small windows as Bones and his staff unhooked Pike from his monitors and hustled his bed into one of the treatment rooms that doubled as a surgical bay. 

He stood feeling a little lost, not registering the crew members quietly stepping around him.  He didn’t look up until he felt a hand on his elbow.  “Captain, Doctor McCoy notified me of Captain Pike’s situation.  He wished for me to escort you to the mess hall.”

“Huh?” 

“Doctor McCoy feels that you would benefit from some nourishment.”

How could Bones have found the time to worry about him with all that was going on?  It never ceased to amaze him and frankly it was a little creepy at times how well he knew him, or kept tabs on him.

 

“Don’t you have better things to do than babysit me, Spock?”  Jim looked over his coffee cup at the placid Vulcan. 

“Indeed I do, Captain.”  Spock looked up from his comm, “Doctor McCoy has sent word that Captain Pike has been stabilized and he is resting comfortably.  He regretfully requests no visitors at this time, but will send you a complete update of his condition.”

Jim set the cup down gently on the table before turning his full attention on his First Officer who returned the look calmly.  “Care to explain to me why I’m being managed?” 

“I do not understand the implication.”

“Why exactly is Doctor McCoy communicating through you?  Why did he send you to watch over me?”

Spock quirked one brow.  “I did not think to question his motives, but I could surmise that perhaps the Doctor was uncertain as to the outcome of today’s events or your reaction to them.”

Jim stood from the table and straightened his tunic, “Then the Doctor and I are about to have words.”

 

He was getting damn tired of being managed by the men in his life.

“What the fuck, Bones?  You sent Spock to sit on me because you thought Pike was going to die?”  Bones looked at him wearily, Jim could see the tired lines around his eyes and mouth.  He was beginning to look as old as he constantly made himself out to be. 

“‘m sorry, Jim.  Things coulda gone bad fast.  The Captain was crashin’ and I looked out and saw you lookin’ in the window with those fuckin’ lost puppy eyes.”  He shrugged, “What the fuck was I supposed to do?  I had my hands full.”

Jim pinned him with a serious look, “I’m a grown man.  I’m Captain of this ship.  I think I can handle myself.” 

Len was sure he could, if it was anyone other than Pike, or Len himself, on that table.  It didn’t need to be said.  Jim dropped his eyes. 

“You don’t need to worry about me.” 

“Yeah, like I’m ever gonna stop doin’ that.” 

 

Len sat in his office thinking about Jim’s words.  He _was_ a grown man and as much as he wanted to protect him, Jim had been taking care of himself long before he’d met Leonard **.**

 

**Stardate 2258.50, February 19, 2258**

oOo

Len spent the next day avoiding the Captain.  The ship had finally settled into a routine and he had spent the day thinking around the problem of Jim and the Tarsus file.

No matter how he came at it, he always came to the same conclusion:  Jim needed to be allowed to be in control of his own information.  It was his story to tell or not.  He had made Jim a promise a long time ago to always consult him and allow him to decide his own treatment when possible.  It was how he had gained his trust in the first place.  He couldn’t throw that all away now, Jim would never trust him again.

Yeah, he really wanted to have Jim’s medical history.  It would help to know what he’d experienced so he knew how to support him, to help him process the trauma that kept him trapped in a cycle of anxiety and self-destructive behavior.   But if he didn’t get that information, well they had managed so far.  Maybe not well, but they were still here, still trying. 

So that night, after Beta, Len pocketed a couple of hypos and stopped by his room for the file.  He hadn’t seen Jim since the confrontation after Pike’s medical emergency and they really hadn’t spoken since before the memorial service.  Len wasn’t sure just how Jim was faring, other than seeing him briefly at department meetings or on the bridge, so if he could, he was going to get a scan and see if he’d been eating and sleeping.

 

Len stood outside the Captain’s quarters shifting from foot to foot until he finally pressed the chime requesting entrance.  It wasn’t indecision, he knew they needed to do this, but he was dreading it.  It took Jim a minute to respond and he was starting to think maybe he wasn’t in his quarters.

“Hang on!”  He finally heard from deep in the room.  Then footsteps reverberated on the deck plating and the door slid open.

Bones drew himself to his full height, standing almost at attention and Jim almost laughed until he caught the serious look in his eye.  He was instantly on his guard, noting the papers in his hand.  “Bones.  What can I do for you?”

“Can I come in, Jim?”  Bones seemed uncomfortable. 

Jim looked up and down the corridor noting the ship’s personnel going about their business.  “Yeah, sure.”  He stepped aside and let Bones precede him into the room.  The door slid shut, but Jim remained in the shadows near the door and observed the doctor as he walked around the room moving nervously from object to object.  Jim’s apprehension started to ratchet up.  “What’s up?” He asked cautiously. 

Bones looked up at him then away quickly.  He stopped by the box that still sat unopened on the bar.  “What’s this?”

“Pike’s personal stash,” Jim said as he moved slowly into the room.  “I found it in the cargo bay.”

“Hmm,” Bones was distracted.  Jim knew that normally the mention of alcohol on an otherwise dry ship would have had all of the man’s attention.  It only put Jim more on his guard. 

Bones seemed twitchy.  Bones never seemed twitchy.

“You need something, Bones – or is this a social call?”

He finally looked up, “Uh, yeah.  I have something I need to talk to you about.”  He raised the hand slightly which held the file. 

It wasn’t quite the deadly ‘we need to talk’, but it was close enough.

“Well, why don’t we sit?” Jim indicated the sofa, but sat himself at his desk.  He felt like he was going to need the distance.

Len noted the positioning and knew Jim had chosen to keep this interaction professional.  Maybe it would help him get out what he needed to say, but what he needed to say wasn’t professional, it was personal, very personal.

Jim sat watching him. 

Bones cleared his throat and carefully placed the file on the table in front of the sofa.  Jim never looked at it, his eyes never left Bones’ face.  He felt a sudden swell of fear.  The last time he and Bones had shared a document written on paper had been their marriage certificate.  Was Bones here to ask for that annulment?  Only now it would be a divorce.

Bones sat on the very edge of the sofa, stiff and straight.  “I didn’t get a chance to talk to you after the memorial ceremony.”

Which they both knew was a load of shit, but Jim let it slide.  They both knew there had been time and opportunity, but they’d been avoiding each other.

“I wanted to see how you’re doing and I wanted to tell you how sorry I am about, Marlena.”

When Jim didn’t speak, Bones continued.  “I know you have a lot to deal with right now and you feel like you have to stay strong for your crew, but you need to deal with your own grief just as much as they do.  If you ever need to talk, Jim, I’m here.”

As Jim tried to find the right words, the silence grew awkward. 

“I’ll understand if you’re not comfortable talking to me.  I saw you talking with Uhura, and that’s great.  I just don’t want you to keep it all bottled up inside.   If you can’t talk to me, please find someone you can talk to.”

Jim was shaking his head, Bones had misunderstood his silence.  “No, it’s not that.  It’s just, well Marlena and I, we weren’t exactly seeing each other anymore.”

“What?”  Len was confused, “Since when?”

Jim felt like he had been caught out in a lie.  And perhaps he had, even if it had been a lie of omission, he had unintentionally let Bones believe that he and Marlena were still dating.  “The day before the Maru.”

Len was left trying to reevaluate the events of the last week in the light of this new information.  “But I thought…  Why didn’t you tell me?”  Yes, he saw the irony in that.

 “It was right before the Maru, then the hearing, then everything else.  It was never the right time.”  Jim shrugged helplessly, “And then she was gone, and then it just felt wrong.”

“Jim, you were serious about Marlena.  What happened?”

“I don’t know, we didn’t really have that much in common, other than math and physics.  She was starting to get clingy and I decided it wasn’t what I wanted.  I guess I’d known for a few weeks that it wasn’t going to work, but I put off dealing with it, then I got sick.”

Len didn’t need to be reminded about that particular chapter.  He remembered how Marlena had been at Jim’s bedside the entire time he’d been hospitalized.  

“Before the Maru, I went to see Gaila.”  Jim had gone to Gaila, because if he couldn’t have what he really wanted, he could at least have something familiar and comforting, but that decision had only made the whole situation worse.

Len caught the implication.  “Jim tell me you didn’t.”  It was a pattern of behavior for Jim.  Instead of talking, confronting issues, he ran.  He forced people away instead of dealing honestly with his or their emotions. 

“Nothing happened with Gaila.”  Jim hated the doubtful look on Bones’ face.  “I went back to Marlena’s and we got into a fight.”

“But you talked to her, right?” 

“Yeah, we talked.  She wasn’t terribly surprised.”  Jim heard her words echoing in his ears, ‘ _Everyone warned me about you.’_   “But I know I hurt her feelings.”

“Well, better to be honest with her than to go screwing around on her behind her back.  Marlena deserved better than that.”

“You deserved better than that,” Jim said quietly.

Bones’ expression softened, “We were different, Jim.”

“I know I shouldn’t have gone to see Gaila.”  He was apologizing not just for what he’d done to Marlena, but in a roundabout way, for what he’d done to Bones as well.  “I just couldn’t handle a confrontation.”

“So, you can face down a ship full of angry Romulans, but you can’t face an upset woman?” 

Jim jumped on the first bit of light hearted humor Bones had shown since he’d arrived, “Hey, they’re brutal, man, like take no prisoners brutal.” 

“Really.  Trying getting divorced,” Len bantered back thoughtlessly.

“Nope, I don’t plan to.”  Jim looked up quickly when he realized what he’d said. 

They looked at each other, each realizing what they’d said and afraid of the other’s response, and the mood was broken.

Len gave Jim a sad half-smile, “It’s ok Jim.  If we can’t joke about the fact we’re married….,” he shrugged, but didn’t finish his thought.

That was one subject Jim definitely didn’t feel like joking about.  He eyed the file warily.

Len followed his eyes and shifted uncomfortably, “Look, there’s something I need to tell you.” 

He paused and Jim couldn’t take the waiting any longer.

“About you and Christine?”

“What?”

“Isn’t that why you’re here?” 

Jim inclined his head indicating the file on the table, but Len didn’t understand.  “Yeah, that’s why I’m here, but it doesn’t have anything to do with Christine.”  He looked at Jim’s doubtful expression, but for the life of him couldn’t follow Jim’s train of thought, so he addressed his first question.

“Christine and I have decided to just be friends.”

Jim was relieved to hear that they’d decided to respect the regulations, it would make his job easier. “Well, it’s probably for the best, at least until we get back.”

Bones looked at him strangely, “No, I mean we broke up.”

Jim was a little bewildered, “I’m sorry,” he offered, because it was what you were supposed to say.

“I’m not.” 

Jim’s heart quickened a little at that. 

Bones’ gaze was intense and Jim had been trying to get a read on his mood, but he couldn’t quite get a handle on it.  The atmosphere in the room felt like it had been stretched to the breaking point, like something was about to snap and Jim was fairly vibrating from the tension.

For his part, Len was feeling overwhelmed by how dramatically recent events had reminded him just how much this man meant to him, how much he could have lost.  How much he could still lose if he fucked this up.  But they were stuck.  If things didn’t change somehow, they would never be able to move forward, if that was even what Jim wanted any more.  Len wasn’t sure about anything but his own feelings.  The Tarsus file could go a long way toward resolving some of the past issues they’d had that had forced them apart.  But it all depended on Jim, because it couldn’t happen if Jim wasn’t willing to try. 

Len cleared his throat, and girded himself for the coming confrontation.  He could sense Jim’s anxiousness.  “I was cleaning out some of Puri’s things and I found that.”  He indicated the file on the coffee table.

Divorce papers would have been bad, but this was so much worse.  Jim felt blindsided and it took him a minute to parse the implications of what Bones had said. 

Puri’s things.  He remembered Puri.  He knew the doctor had been stationed on Enterprise.  He hadn’t been looking forward to seeing him again after all these years, and all of the inevitable questions it would raise, but he thought he had escaped those when Puri had been killed.  It never occurred to him that the doctor he’d met on Tarsus would have left any notes behind. 

Jim’s expression shuttered.  Len had expected it, but the blank hard look in the blue eyes that usually sparkled with wicked humor made him shiver.  The transformation was disturbing and he remembered Pike’s advice to tread carefully.

“You read it?” Jim asked tonelessly.

“No.”  Len rushed to reassure him, “I wouldn’t do that without your permission.”  He felt honor bound to admit that he had looked at the med notes.  “I did skim the first page of medical notes, just to make sure it was your file.”

Jim sat silent and still and Len started to worry that Jim was going to shut him out again and refuse to talk.

“I need you to talk to me, Jim.  I’ve never asked before, but I need to understand what happened on Tarsus.”

“Why?”

“Because there are things in your past that still affect you.  If you don’t find some way to process what happened in your childhood, those issues could affect your future.  You’re in a command position now, hundreds of people rely on you and you can’t afford to let past traumas affect your future decisions.”  Len really didn’t want to pull the CMO card and force Jim’s hand by reminding him that it was Len’s job to certify him fit for command. 

“Do you trust me, Jim?” He knew it was a loaded question.  He knew Jim trusted him, and by questioning it he was forcing Jim to prove his trust.  He felt dirty doing it, but Jim was leaving him no choice. 

Jim knew what Bones was saying was logical, but this topic was anything but logical to him, it was wrapped in emotion and anger and fear.  As hard as he’d tried to keep his demons at bay, he knew they still controlled him. 

The bitch of it was, he did trust Bones.  And he knew that he owed Bones the truth.  But there was a reason he’d never shared this information with him.  Jim had found that despite professing their need to have the truth, most people were happy with the lies.

His mother hadn’t been able to handle the truth.  Their relationship had never recovered.  He’d watched her shut down incrementally as the trial had progressed.  After that, she’d left for the black and Jim hadn’t seen her much since.  If his own mother couldn’t handle the truth, could Bones?

“What if I say no?” Jim watched him closely.

“Then I’d have to respect your decision.  I wouldn’t like it, but I’d respect it.”  Len hadn’t intended this to be a test of their relationship, but that was what it was turning out to be.  “If we’re going to move forward, we need to deal first with what’s in the past.”

Jim answered reluctantly, “Then I guess maybe you should read the file.”

Len tried to cover his immense relief.  He hadn’t been sure that Jim would give him permission.  He picked up the file and held it out for Jim.  “Don’t you want to look at it first?”

Jim moved his hands from where they had been resting on the desk to his lap.  “I don’t need to read the words, they’re my words.” 

Puri had been a competent physician, Jim remembered his kindness, and he had guessed at a lot that Jim hadn’t explicitly stated, but not all.  Jim knew Bones would read between the lines, he knew Jim better than Puri, better than anyone alive.  Jim’s insecurity reared its ugly head.  What if, after reading the file, Bones decided that Jim was too damaged to waste any more time on? 

Len watched the younger man wrestle with his thoughts.  It could have been the result of the poor lighting, but he thought Jim was looking thinner, his complexion wan.  He reached for the med kit at his waist and extracted his med scanner as he stood and moved around the desk and into Jim’s personal space.

Jim looked up startled from his thoughts by the annoying whine of the scanner sensors.  He waited resigned until it beeped its completion and Bones had read the results, and pinned the doctor with an exasperated look.  They had both done this so many times that neither of them needed to express themselves verbally.  Bones knew Jim hated it.  Jim knew Bones was going to do it anyway.  When he held up the nutritional booster Jim just tilted his head and accepted it without comment, because what was there to say that hadn’t been said before?  He was pleased when Bones administered the hypo more gently than usual. 

Len pocketed the empty hypo and held up another.  He knew Jim wouldn’t be able to get to sleep easily tonight and he was afraid that once he left, the younger man might allow his anxiety to spiral out of control.  “Take this.”  Jim started to shake his head, but Len pressed it into his hand.  “Just take it.  In case.”

Len picked up the file and walked to the door where he turned and waited for Jim to join him. 

Jim followed and stood in the shadows turning the medical instrument absently between his fingers as he tried to formulate his thoughts.  Once Bones walked out that door Jim would have no way to lessen the damage of what Bones was about to learn.

Len watched the nervous action of Jim’s hands and knew that he was worried.  “Nothing in this file is going to change how I feel about you.”

Jim desperately wanted to believe that.  “We’ll see if you still feel that way after you’ve read it.”  Jim’s voice was rough with barely controlled emotion, “I’m damaged goods, Bones.”

Len was standing close to Jim, but the shadows were obscuring his expression and he found himself reacting purely to the broken sound of Jim’s words as he moved in a little closer, hoping his proximity would lend a little comfort.  “We’re all damaged in some way, Jim.  Doesn’t make you any less worthy of love.”

Jim looked up from the hypo at Bones, the little bit of light from the desk behind them slanted across Bones’ face and illuminated the gold in the green of his eyes and Jim knew that this was the tipping point.  That whatever he said next, their relationship hung in the balance.  

“Bones, I don’t know if anything is ever going to happen with us ever again, but I don’t think I could stand to know that it never could.” 

Jim was so caught up in his own anguish that he was surprised by the cool dry press of lips to his.  It was just a quick promise of kiss. 

“There’s no such thing as never with you, Jim,” Bones whispered, his mouth so close to Jim’s he could feel the breath of his words.

Jim stood for long minutes in the shadows after Bones left just trying to breathe, he ran his finger across his lips and tried to convince himself that his world wasn’t about to implode.

 


End file.
